ParentDish http://www.parentdish.com ParentDish http://www.parentdish.com/media/feedlogo.gif ParentDish http://www.parentdish.com en-us Copyright 2013 Weblogs, Inc. The contents of this feed are available for non-commercial use only. Blogsmith http://www.blogsmith.com/Helping Kids Beat Homesickness at Sleep-Away Camphttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/06/02/homesickness-sleep-away-camp/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/06/02/homesickness-sleep-away-camp/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/06/02/homesickness-sleep-away-camp/#commentsFiled under: , , ,

Homesickness

I visited nine sleep-away camps last summer and talked to a lot of children about their experiences of being away from home. What impressed me was how proud kids are of overcoming their homesickness, especially if they had a pretty bad case of it their first week or their first year.

One girl, Jenny, remembering her homesickness at camp said, "I felt like I had a fire in my stomach, and it was burning. ... I didn't know what it was but it terrified me. ... I didn't want my friends to make it better. I just wanted to wallow in my sadness."

Did the staff help her? "People told me that I should get distracted and that would help me, but I just wanted to get my tears out."

I asked whether she had cried all day at camp. "Not all day," she related with a big smile. "There were breaks in there." And how did she manage? "There was a girl here my first year who helped me. ... She told me to think of it in three-day chunks. So I lasted."

The girl who was telling me this was 14 years old, enjoying her fifth summer at residential camp. Early on, she had been one of the most homesick campers. It took her three summers to beat it, and, looking back, she was angry at her mom and dad for letting her leave early that second summer.

When I asked her whether she felt proud of herself, she said, "If it had only been one year, maybe I'd be prouder. ... It was just something that was there, and I learned to do it."

She sounded matter-of-fact, but I could tell she felt victorious.

Ninety-five percent of children experience at least a bit of homesick feelings when they are away from their parents at summer camp. Homesickness is completely normal. If a child loves his or her parents and has a good home, why wouldn't he or she feel some longing for Mom, for Dad, for the dog or for home cooking? The paradoxical thing about camp is that even though children sometimes report painful levels of homesickness, they often rate themselves as very happy in the activities of the day.

The parents' problem is figuring out whether their child is happy or miserable at camp. It's tough to judge from a distance, especially if your child is one of those campers who sends notes like this:

Dear Dad/Mom,

I'm still not feeling good. I have thrown up four times since I got here. I'm having no fun and just really want to come home and see my doctor to figure out what is going on with me. I hate Windy, it is worse than Camp Sunset. My cabin is OK, but I haven't slept a full
night yet.

Throwing up? Not sleeping? Reading this note, the conscientious mother has grabbed her car keys and is half-way out the door, heading for camp to rescue her child. But wait ... the letter continues:

My fave person in my cabin is our AC Lisa (AC is assistant counselor) she is really great.... I even miss Ben & Johnny. At least this week has kind of gone by sort of kind of fast... Well, tell the cats hello for me...

Love you, Miss you & Want to come home,

Haley

This letter makes me laugh because it was written by the daughter of a camp director in Minnesota who had sent her to a residential camp in Massachusetts, where, a decade later, she is now a long-term member of the staff.

The research tells us that even though almost all children will have some "homesick feelings," only one in five campers -- like Jenny -- experience real distress. And only 8 percent of children develop such severe homesickness that they're unable to beat it. For those children, homesickness remains high throughout the camp session, dipping only in the last few days when they know their caretakers will be arriving soon.

What can you do to help your child beat homesickness at camp?

  • Do some preparation. Tell your child homesickness is normal, that it means he or she has a home that he or she loves.
  • Empathize with your child's fears, but do not get infected by them.
  • Express confidence in your child's resilience and admiration for his or her courage in going to camp.
  • Tell your child you are sure he or she will get help from counselors and friends when needed.
  • And, please, tell your children you want them to have fun. Children need to go off to camp with your blessing, not your anxiety.
If your child's been to sleep-away camp before, was his homesickness manageable? If this will be your child's first overnight camp experience, are you overly concerned about how she'll fair?

This article originally appeared on PBSParents and was written by Michael Thompson. Michael Thompson, Ph.D. is a consultant, author and psychologist specializing in children and families. He is Senior Advisor to the PBS Parents Guide to Raising Boys and the host of the PBS documentary Raising Cain

He and his coauthor, Dan Kindlon, wrote the New York Times bestseller, Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys, in 1999. Most recently, he has published a comprehensive guide for raising boys entitled, It's a Boy! Your Son's Development from Birth to Eighteen (Ballantine, 2008). Michael Thompson has appeared on The Today Show, The Oprah Winfrey Show, 20/20, 60 Minutes, The Early Show and Good Morning America. He is the clinical consultant to The Belmont Hill School and has worked in more than two hundred fifty schools across the United States, as well as in international schools in Central America, Europe and Asia. He is the father of Joanna, 24, and Will, 19.

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]]>campHomesicknesssleepaway campSleepawayCampsummer campPBSParents.orgThu, 02 Jun 2011 17:00:00 ESTPassing on Perfection: Why Being a 'Good Enough' Parent Is Greathttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/26/being-a-good-enough-parent-is-great/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/26/being-a-good-enough-parent-is-great/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/26/being-a-good-enough-parent-is-great/#commentsFiled under: ,



Yesterday morning, I got home after my 5:30 a.m. boot camp to find my husband of 16 years had locked one of the cats in the closet, and she had pooped in his favorite carry-on bag.

Neither of the children was up, and the bath I ask him to draw every morning was ice cold. That meant the cranky son wouldn't want to wash his hair in it (and our water pressure doesn't allow us to run the bath and shower at the same time). This was a surefire combination for a sibling battle and just another day in the life of a Good Enough Mother.

I'm René Syler. Welcome to my world! I bet it looks a lot like yours. Three years ago, I wrote "Good Enough Mother: The Perfectly Imperfect Book of Parenting," which outlined my philosophy on parenting and life in general. Back then, I had a high-powered job as a network news anchor, a husband and two beautiful kids -- my daughter, Casey, and son, Cole. I was trying to do it all.

Like so many of my girlfriends, I was running myself ragged trying to provide my precious babies with a perfect childhood when it hit me: I didn't have a perfect childhood, and, yet, I survived. I was so tired of living up to an absolutely unattainable standard of parenthood that left me tired, frustrated and overall unfulfilled.

It was then I decided good enough was going to be perfect. Now, that doesn't mean we don't try to be perfect parents, but we do get to cut ourselves some slack when we fail. And failing, my friends, is a given.

One of the stories mentioned in "Good Enough Mother" was about my son's grade school birthday party. He wanted donuts in the shape of an "8," just like his best friend had. I searched high and low and found a well-known chain that would do just that. So, after working eight hours, I drove to the donut store, only to find the pubescent kid behind the counter had given my 8s to another mother.

The only thing left were 9s. He was completely oblivious to my panic. For a split second, I thought about scrapping the donut plan altogether and getting cupcakes, but there wasn't time for that. So, off I went, mulling over what explanation I was going to give to my crest-fallen 8-year-old boy as to why he didn't have his special donuts.

When I got there, guess what? He didn't care. You know why? Because it was his special day, they got to eat donuts in class and his mom was there to help him celebrate.

That was a big lesson for me. I realized that, even with my faults, which are way too numerous to count, what my children really wanted was me. So, now I preach the gospel of imperfection.

I have screwed up more playdates than I can remember, forgotten permission slips and am a really lousy cook. But I give my kids what they really want, which is my time, love and attention and, with a fair amount of frequency, breakfast for dinner.

Want to be a Good Enough Mother? Try these tips:

  • Lower the expectation: Forget perfection altogether. Understand that you will do your best, and your best will have to do.
  • Enough with the competitive parenting: Do what works for you and your family. Remember, you are parenting for your children, not your mother-in-law, neighbor, sister or best friend.
  • Keep your own hopes and dreams alive: Just because all of these people came into your life, does not mean you have to give up ALL of yourself.
  • Take time to nurture yourself: That means not always putting yourself at the bottom of a long to-do list. How can you possibly take care of others if you don't do the same for yourself?
Years ago, while pregnant with my daughter, an older woman struck up a conversation with me. She must have sensed my palpable fear at giving birth and being responsible for another human being, because she gave me the words that have stuck with me through this whole humbling experience. She said, "You alone will be the best mother that child could have." Instantly, I was put at ease because I understood what she was saying.

I didn't have all the answers then and still do not. But I am smart enough to figure it out. So are you.

Remember, imperfection is the new black!

This article originally appeared on PBSParents and was written by Rene Syler. René is the daughter of two breast cancer survivors. Due to her parents' diagnoses and her own pre-cancerous condition, which led to her own mastectomy, René has made it her mission to help educate and eradicate breast cancer. She travels the country as an ambassador for Susan G. Komen for the Cure. She was also awarded the prestigious Gracie Allen award for her television series on breast cancer.

René lives in Westchester, New York with her husband, Buff Parham and children, Casey and Cole. As much as she loves them, she admits part of the attraction speaking to groups across the country is the opportunity to sleep in a bed without three other people in it and not having to answer the question that strikes fear into the hearts of exhausted mothers everywhere: "What's for dinner?"

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]]>good enough motherparenting adviceperfect parentingrene sylerPBSParents.orgThu, 26 May 2011 17:00:00 ESTConnect With Your Child Through Playhttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/25/connect-with-your-child-through-play/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/25/connect-with-your-child-through-play/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/25/connect-with-your-child-through-play/#commentsFiled under: , ,

child play

When you think about your own childhood, do you recall times when you and your parents played together? Maybe it was hide-and-seek, or Monopoly or rock-paper-scissors. I remember pretending to be circus performers with my mom and dad, and playing gin rummy with my grandmother.

We used to think of family games as inexpensive entertainment or simple ways to pass the day. Now, with competing demands on everyone's time, the excess of toys marketed to kids and so many electronic diversions, these kinds of activities can seem a bit dated. But they are the stuff memories are made of. They were fun, and they allowed us a chance to feel close to people we love. That's reason enough to play together as a family.

But there are also many other benefits of play -- and research shows its role in children's development.

Play is both a catalyst and context for learning. Through play, children make sense of their experiences, and express their ideas and emotions. Play helps them develop and practice skills underlying success in school and beyond: self-control, working memory, cognitive flexibility, persistence and following rules among others. Playing with others also helps children build relationships.

We also know that, despite evidence of the benefits of play, opportunities to play have diminished. Kids are more likely to be involved in scheduled and structured activities, and plugged into digital devises. To make matters worse, play has largely disappeared from the school day, even in the earliest grades.

So what does this mean for parents? And how does playing with your child fit into the picture?
  1. It is important that your child has uninterrupted play time every day with simple materials that can be used in many different ways.

  2. Resist interrupting or taking over when he's contentedly playing alone or with other kids. But, remember, he also loves and needs to be with you.

  3. When you're busy, you can take advantage of daily routines to play together. You might play peek-a-boo when you're changing your toddler's diaper, a guessing game when you're making breakfast for your preschooler, pretend when you're doing chores with your kindergartner or a license plate game when you're taking your older child to school.

  4. When there's more time, your child will thrive on your undivided attention as you play together. In the process, you'll have many opportunities to tune into his interests, concerns and needs and to support his development and learning.

While you'll find many opportunities to capitalize on teachable moments during play, the key is to do what comes naturally. Playing together shouldn't be a chore or something you feel pressure to do. Enjoy the time you spend with your child. It will pass all too soon! If you don't like card games, ride bikes or dance together. Take cues from what interests your child and follow his lead. Playing together will help you build strong connections that he will rely on as he grows and quite possibly memories that will last a lifetime.

Here are a few more simple activities you and your child or family might enjoy:
  • What's missing?: Take turns lining up several items. One player covers his eyes and the others remove one or more items. The guesser tries to figure out what's missing. This is a great game to play while you're waiting at a restaurant.

  • Surprise Jar: On slips of paper, write messages of things for family members to do. For example, wiggle like a worm, do 20 jumping jacks, empty the trash or try to touch your tongue to your nose. Put these in a jar, and take turns drawing a message from the jar.

  • Sidewalk Games: Use sidewalk chalk to draw paths to follow. For example, draw a long line to make a "tightrope" to walk on or take turns drawing an obstacle course to navigate.

  • Earth Day Play: Go on a scavenger hunt to find interesting leaves or stones, follow ant trails, watch pigeons or collect and release insects. Make a bird feeder or create something beautiful together from discarded materials.

What are some of your favorite family activities?

This article was originally on PBSParents and was written by Ann Barbour.Dr. Ann Barbour is Professor of Early Childhood Education at California State University, Los Angeles, (CSULA) and Series Content Advisor for the Peabody Award winning daily television series A Place of Our Own and Los Niños en Su Casa. These programs are designed to help parents and caregivers nurture the development and enrich the learning experiences of preschool-age children.

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]]>child playplayplaying with your childplaytimePBSParents.orgWed, 25 May 2011 17:00:00 ESTHenry Louis Gates Jr. on Tracking the Family History of Slaveshttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/24/henry-louis-gates-jr-on-tracking-the-family-history-of-slaves/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/24/henry-louis-gates-jr-on-tracking-the-family-history-of-slaves/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/24/henry-louis-gates-jr-on-tracking-the-family-history-of-slaves/#commentsFiled under: ,

family history

By Henry Louis Gates, Jr.

One of the transformative moments of my life occurred when my grandfather, Edward Gates, died in 1960. I was 10 years old, and, following his burial, my father showed me my grandfather's scrapbooks.

There, buried in those yellowing pages of newsprint, was an obituary -- the obituary, to my astonishment, of our family matriarch, an ex-slave named Jane Gates.

"An estimable colored woman," the obituary read, also mentioning that she had been a mid-wife.

"That woman was Pop's grandmother," my father said, quietly. "She is your great-great-grandmother. And she is the oldest Gates."

I was fascinated. I wanted to know how I got here from there: from the mysterious and shadowy preserve of slavery in the depths of the black past. I became obsessed with my family tree, and peppered my father with questions about the names and dates of my ancestors, which, ever so dutifully, I wrote down in a notebook.

I knew I had white ancestors. My father, his six brothers, and their sister, were clearly part white. I wanted to learn the names of both my black and white ancestors. I remember poring over ads in the backs of magazines that encouraged readers to send in their names and $20 or so, in exchange for one of those colorful European coats of arms, the sort one would see hanging on the wall of a castle in England.

I thought about ordering one for the Gates family. I knew it wouldn't have anything to do with me, necessarily, but who could be sure? As I got older, I even allowed myself to dream about learning the name of the very tribe we had come from in Africa.

I became an historian, in part, I think, out of this desire to know myself more fully, which, of course, over time became a desire to understand others, as well -- to learn about the past of my people, the African-American people, and, ultimately, the past of my nation.

Finding my own roots has been my lifelong quest ever since my grandfather's funeral. But there was always a problem in this search. And, if you're black, and have tried to trace your roots, you know it well: slavery. Slavery was, among many other evil things, a systemic effort to rob blacks of all family ties and the most basic sense of self-knowledge.

With very few exceptions, each slave had one name only, a first name. Good luck building a family tree for somebody who only has one name.

After decades of being frustrated by this experience, I decided to do something about it. Over the past four years, I have been producing a documentary series for PBS called "African-American Lives," which traces the family histories of prominent African-Americans back to slavery and beyond.

We track down every little scrap of paper we can find about our subjects, and when the paper trail ends, inevitably, in the abyss of slavery, we look at something that our ancestors from Africa brought with them that not even the slave trade could take away: our distinctive strands of DNA.

With cells collected from the insides of our mouths, geneticists can compare our genetic material to DNA samples taken from people on the African continent. The process is a bit like matching finger prints on "CSI."

The series was a risky experiment at first -- no one had tried this before -- but it has turned out to be a remarkably rewarding experience. I have learned more about myself and my people than I ever imagined possible. And I am very curious to see what you all think about this work.

As a parent, as well as an historian, I also encourage you to introduce your children to their family history. A great way to start is by showing them photo albums and scrapbooks from the past. That's how my father got my attention. Look for family documents such as obituaries, birth certificates, diplomas - - anything that might show your ancestors' names and details of their lives. Talk to older family members. Track down distant relatives. And write everything down. You also might want to check out "A Beginner's Guide to Tracing Your Roots" for more ideas.

If you've already introduced your children to their ancestry, how did you go about it?

This article was originally on PBSParents and was written by Henry Louis Gates, Jr. Henry Louis Gates, Jr. is the Alphonse Fletcher University Professor at Harvard University and the director of the W.E.B. Du Bois Institute for African and African American Research. He is also editor-in-chief of the Oxford African American Studies Center, the first comprehensive scholarly online resource in the field of African American and Africana Studies.

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]]>familyfamily historyfamily history of slaveshenry gates jr.slaveryPBSParents.orgTue, 24 May 2011 17:00:00 ESTWhen to Introduce Kids to Music: Early and Oftenhttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/23/introducing-kids-to-music/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/23/introducing-kids-to-music/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/23/introducing-kids-to-music/#commentsFiled under: , ,

music

As a musician, music educator and researcher, parents often ask me when they should begin introducing their children to music. As with most easy questions, there's an easy answer that is incomplete and a more nuanced answer that is correct.

The easy answer is: You should begin age-appropriate music "lessons" soon after birth, or maybe even before birth. That being said, please stay with me before giving your 6-month-old a trumpet.

There is a great deal of research supporting the notion that musical ability develops during a critical period from birth through age 9 (or 10 or even 11, depending on the research). However, it seems clear that after age 11 the window for developing certain musical abilities is shut -- and shut forever.

This makes sense. Our brains seem to be "wired" for learning and processing the patterns we hear. This is most obvious in how young children develop language. They hear the patterns and inflections in their native tongue and their brains internalize them. Language learning seems natural, and they learn the language of the culture they're living in. A child can also learn multiple languages at this time and being bi-lingual seems natural. Yes, an adult can learn a second language, but it will rarely be as natural as the first language or without an accent.

The same is true with music. At its most basic level, music is made up from a surprisingly small vocabulary of rhythm and pitch patterns. These basic patterns vary by culture, (which is why Japanese music sounds different from Canadian music), but the basic principle of music being comprised of patterns is true of all music.

These patterns can be considered the basic units of music, much like words are the basic units of speech. The individual notes are like letters -- they only take on meaning when combined into a word. Likewise, the individual notes only take on musical meaning when they are combined into patterns.

A child learns the musical patterns of the music they're exposed to during their formative years. The patterns are internalized and become the child's natural musical language. So, early music "lessons" should have as its goal engaging the child with music in a way that will help him or her focus on, and learn, the basic building blocks of music.

This internalizing of musical patterns is most often accomplished by singing and movement at an early age. Like language, it is best learned if the entire environment is immersed with music.

This takes us right back to our basic question. While weekly "lessons" or "Mommy-Baby Classes" are worthwhile, the fact that they only meet once or twice a week makes them enhancements to the process, not the core of the process. Imagine if your child only heard language during prescribed classes once or twice a week and the rest of the time the child experienced no language. The chance of a regular development would be remote.

So, providing basic music experiences is really up to the parents. Now, before you start protesting, "I can't carry a tune in a bucket" or "I haven't played my instrument since I was in middle school," there is some good news. You don't have to be a musician! The key is to help your child focus and internalize the basic patterns of music -- to engage her in music. Here are a few ways in which you can go about it:

  1. Sing with your child. The reason many children's songs (for example, "Itsy, Bitsy Spider" or "Row, Row, Row Your Boat") have lasted through generations is that they have the basic patterns we're trying to instill.

  2. Download songs to your iPod and do the movements along with the song. The purpose is to focus attention on the music.

  3. Hold your child and sway while singing or listening to music.

  4. March around your living room.

  5. Clap a rhythm. Any rhythmic "dancing" to music at this age will fulfill this purpose.

  6. Have music as a constant "soundtrack" in the home. This will be especially helpful if there is repetition of certain pieces.

The musical learning you build in your child will last a lifetime. If later in life (whether it's age 7 or 52) he or she decides to learn an instrument, your child will already have the basic "musicality" developed in his or her brain. Even if they don't, kids will have an enhanced appreciation of the music they hear for the rest of their lives. These basic active and passive musical experiences early in life are not just beneficial for the future musicians. They lead to an enhanced quality of life for anyone, regardless of calling.

So, the answer to the original question is: Start your child's musical development as early as you can, but do it in an age-appropriate way, with age-appropriate goals.

How are you engaging your child in music?

This article was originally on PBSParents and was written by Rob Cutietta. Rob is the Dean of the University of Southern California Thornton School of Music. He is a noted author and popular speaker whose areas of expertise include the middle-school learner, choral education, learning theories and the psychology of music. Additionally, he is a highly-regarded musician and educator, and he has extensive knowledge about the full range of musical talent nationally as well as internationally.

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]]>babies musicdevelopmentintroducing musicmusicmusic lessonsturning kids onto musicPBSParents.orgMon, 23 May 2011 17:00:00 ESTRaising Kids to Be Less Stuff-Centeredhttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/20/raising-kids-to-be-less-stuff-centered/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/20/raising-kids-to-be-less-stuff-centered/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/20/raising-kids-to-be-less-stuff-centered/#commentsFiled under: , ,

stuff

Since launching "The Story of Stuff" film and book, some people have accused me of being against stuff. I'm not; in fact I consider myself pro-stuff!

I want people to appreciate their stuff more. I want us to think about the resources and energy that went into making our stuff, to respect and care for it and make it last as long as possible, rather than mindlessly buying, using, tossing and replacing it as such a frenzied pace.

I'm certainly not advocating we stop consuming stuff altogether; I'm advocating that we have a more aware, more balanced relationship with stuff. Too often, we turn to acquiring stuff to meet our emotional, social, recreational and other needs. This consumer-mania isn't good for our resource-stressed planet, isn't good for our family budgets and ultimately doesn't work.

We have more stuff than previous generations could have dreamed of, but we also have less leisure time, fewer friends and spend less time with our kids. There is a better way.



One of the toughest places to combat excessive consumerism is with today's kids. Advertisers spend millions of dollars and employ teams of child psychologists to convince our children to constantly want more stuff. Some youth advertisers actually call parents "gatekeepers" whom they must circumvent to reach the kids. Of course we're gatekeepers! We're parents! It's our job to protect and nurture and help our children grow into healthy, confident and caring adults. Fortunately, there are many ways to do this even in our stuff-focused culture.

Here are some tips I've gathered from my own experience in parenting, as well as from the thousands of parents who have emailed "The Story of Stuff Project" to share ideas.
  1. Model it. Raising kids to be less stuff-centered must be integrated into the overall way we live and work and play. Develop family traditions around creative time together, rather than buying stuff. Encourage homemade gifts rather than store bought, board games rather than commercial television, outings with friends and family to parks and museums rather than shopping malls. The more that choosing community and creativity over stuff is a part of who we are, the more natural and fun it becomes.

  2. Create Community. Seek out other families that value people based on their character rather than their stuff. Befriend neighbors and find parents at your child's school with similar values, It's a harder sell to preach consumer restraint if all your kid's friends have the latest electronic gadgets or wear only brand name clothes.

  3. Nurture non-product based identities. Most kids want some kind of group-based identifier. We can help them develop identities that aren't based on the logos they wear or the type of cell phone they own. Sports teams, theater groups, musical ensembles, hobby groups and cultural clubs all offer healthy non-commercial group identities.

  4. Bring back sharing. With parents working longer hours than previous generations, we spend less time getting to know our neighbors. One result is the erosion of the traditional networks for sharing. We don't all need our own wheelbarrow, bundt pan and glue gun! Sharing is good for our budgets, battling clutter in our homes, and good for building community since we have to talk to share. I've heard from families who've launched toy sharing circles so kids can have access to a variety toys without buying each and every one. My neighborhood has an annual book swap brunch for kids to swap books they've finished for new ones to read. The Sharing Solution has lots of tips for ramping up sharing in your community.

  5. Talk about it. Cultivating a resistance to the constant barrage of commercial messages takes awareness. Make it fun. Kids don't like being duped; explain how advertisers try to trick people into associating products with status and success and make a game of deciphering the techniques you see. My daughter and I play a game when we see a commercial: who can be the first to guess what the product is that's actually being sold. Whenever the commercial starts with a picture of an untouched green forest, she shouts out "new car!" Naming the tricks advertisers use is a great way to eliminate their ability to influence us.

  6. Protect commercial free zones, especially for kids. We simply must reclaim our physical and mental landscape from the constant barrage of messages telling us that we will be happier, more successful and more loved if we buy more stuff. If we want our kids to develop a sense of self beyond being consumers, some places simply have to be off limits for commercial messages. Join a group to keep commercial messages out of schools. Watch public commercial-free TV.
Combating the constant messages encouraging kids to buy stuff can be hard, but it also can be fun and can make our families, and our communities, stronger and healthier. And remember, you're not alone. There are great organizations, including the Campaign for a Commercial Free Childhood, The Story of Stuff and, of course PBS KIDS, which promote a less stuff-focused culture.

And, speaking of PBS KIDS, I worked with WGBH to create age-appropriate videos that get kids thinking about their stuff. You can check them out on Loop Scoops.

This article was originally on PBSParents and was written by Annie Leonard. Annie Leonard is the Director of the Story of Stuff Project and author of the book, The Story of Stuff (Free Press, March 2010).

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]]>stuffteaching kids to be less stuff-centeredPBSParents.orgFri, 20 May 2011 17:00:00 ESTParents Are the Ultimate Video Game Controllerhttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/18/kids-video-games/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/18/kids-video-games/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/18/kids-video-games/#commentsFiled under: ,

video game

If you have a child between the ages of 3 and 17, chances are there is some video game playing going on in your house. And, these days, it's more likely than ever that most of you parents are gamers, as well.

A whole generation has now grown up playing video games, which is why it isn't all that surprising to find that the average age of a gamer today is 34. This also helps explain why some games are not intended for kids, and underscores why it's important parents play an active role in making sure the games their children play are ones they consider age-appropriate.

We recently asked PBS Parents to invite questions about kids' video games via Facebook and Twitter. Based on what we heard, we created these tips to help you be the "game controller" in your house:

1. Violent games aren't going anywhere, but that doesn't mean you have to let your kids play them. Some parents lament the violence in many of today's games and the fact that these seem to be all kids want to play. Whether we like it or not, many adults enjoy these games and that's not going to change. However, video games have ratings for a reason.

At the Entertainment Software Rating Board (ESRB), we assign age ratings and content descriptors that give an indication of what's in a game and which ones are suitable for different ages. We also provide rating summaries that offer a detailed description of a game's content, and a free mobile app that lets you look them up right from the store.

Use these tools along with your own judgment about what you consider appropriate, and don't be afraid to enforce some basic ground rules. Some parents forbid all M-rated games. Others allow them case-by-case depending on the content descriptors, the age and maturity of their kids (and how reliably they finish their homework and chores) or the type of game. Find what works for your family and stick with it.

2. Today's games have online features parents can and should manage using parental controls. Every game system comes with parental controls that let you restrict certain games and content, typically by ESRB rating. Some also provide tools for managing online features including whether games can be played online, with whom, when and for how long.

I highly recommend becoming familiar with the parental controls on your system and setting them in a way that suits your family's needs. Being aware of how your kids are engaging via online games is becoming increasingly important, given features such as "microtransactions" (buying virtual goods right from within the game itself), downloadable content (add-on items such as new game levels that can be purchased and downloaded directly to the game system) and live in-game chat via text, voice or even video.

3. There are plenty of great games that are not in the "first-person shooter" category. Nearly 75 percent of the ratings we assign are for games suitable for kids 12 and younger, and these games are frequently among the top-sellers. Parent-focused game review sites can be a big help when it comes to finding fun and popular options for different ages. Websites such as Common Sense Media and What They Play both provide helpful game reviews.

4. Remember, moderation in all things -- including video games. Video games are fun, and, of course, kids will want to play them for hours on end. By their very nature, games motivate you to keep playing. There is always another level to beat, bonus feature to unlock or achievement to attain. (If only we could get our kids to attack their schoolwork with the same level of single-minded dedication, right?)

As with the types of games you allow for your kids, try setting some reasonable time limits. Let your kids earn video game time instead of it being a given. And finally -- and this is something I always tell parents -- keep the game system in the living room or some other common area. This is an ideal way of keeping tabs on how much gaming is going on, what that gameplay is like, and just as important, reserving the bedroom space for schoolwork.

This article was originally on PBSParents and was written by Patricia Vance. Patricia was appointed president of the Entertainment Software Rating Board (ESRB) in November 2002. Ms. Vance serves as a member of the Board of Directors for the Family Online Safety Institute as well as the Academy of Interactive Arts and Sciences. She was also appointed to the National Telecommunications and Information Administration's Online Safety and Technology Working Group (OSTWG), which was established by Congress to make recommendations on the protection of children on the Internet through education, labeling and parental control technology.

Ms. Vance holds a B.A. in International Relations/Russian from Washington University in St. Louis, is the mother of two children and lives in Westchester County, NY.

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]]>parental controlparents and video gamesvideo gamevideo gamesPBSParents.orgWed, 18 May 2011 16:00:00 ESTGetting Your Child Ready for Camphttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/17/getting-your-child-ready-for-camp/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/17/getting-your-child-ready-for-camp/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/17/getting-your-child-ready-for-camp/#commentsFiled under: , ,

camp

I remember once speaking about camp with parents of a 12-year-old girl I'd been seeing in my psychotherapy practice. The girl had expressed an interest in going to a horseback riding camp in Vermont and the father was balking at the cost.

"Two thousand dollars seems like a lot of money to pay for my daughter to learn how to ride a horse!" the father complained.

I sat back for a moment then answered, "If all you think your daughter is going to learn is how to ride a horse, then don't send her!"

"What do you mean?" he asked.

I explained that many parents, especially ones who have never been to camp as children themselves, make the mistake of thinking camp is about the activities or the facilities. While those are important aspects of camp, that's not what camp is. Camp is about making some of the best friends of your life. It's an exercise in self-reliance and social learning. Kids not only make some of their best friends at camp, they learn what real friendship is.

Since campers live in groups, it is also about learning the give-and-take of making decisions and getting along with all those "brothers" or "sisters" you suddenly inherit when you arrive. In a time when resilience -- the ability to stick with something and recover from a setback -- is a great quality to cultivate in our children, camp is an increasingly attractive option. I can't tell you how many parents have told me how much more confident, calm, purposeful or focused their children seem after a couple of weeks of camp.

But Are We Ready?

Many parents wonder when the best time is to send their kids to camp. The answer depends on your individual child. There are some 6- and 7-year-olds who march eagerly off to camp without a problem, while some 11 year-olds cower with a fear of becoming homesick.

If your child has been able to sleep over at Grandma's or a friend's house, he or she is probably ready for camp. If your child consistently has trouble making or keeping friends, then speak with the director. While camp is a great place for making friends, don't expect camp to magically do what your child hasn't been able to do at home.

The biggest question to ask is, are you ready as a parent to let your child go? Children are like little membranes -- they pick up all of the subtle emotions of their parents. It helps to be clear with yourself about what your child signed up for in the first place, whether it is to make new friends, learn new skills or try out some new exciting activity or program.

Think of camp as "life experience with training wheels." Camp professionals have been helping kids separate and become more independent for years. This is their true business. They tell you they teach swimming or arts and crafts or canoeing, but what they really teach is self-reliance and resilience--in other words, coping skills for kids!

Reassure yourself, as a parent, that you've done your job. All the advice, coaching, caring and goodwill you've given your child over the years is in there. Trust the job you have done. Let him try out his wings, even if it means he takes a little nosedive once in a while. You can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs.

How Do We Get Them Ready?

I created a few tips for parents to help them and their children get ready for the adventure of camp:

  • Involve them in shopping for camp, maybe even doing some packing together.
  • Pack a favorite personal item, such as a T-shirt, cap or small stuffed animal.
  • Have them "practice" showering, sleeping over at friends or relatives and writing letters.
  • Talk with them about the fun things they are looking forward to doing at camp. Watch the camp DVD together.
  • Parents should share stories about their own first times away from home. (Keep it positive!)
  • Parents can point out what a child does well and how that will be an asset at camp.
  • Post a letter to your new camper one or two days before she departs for camp, so that it will be there on her first full day at camp.
It also helps to have a few conversations with your child, before he heads off to meet his new friends. Here are a few things you can say -- not all at once, but a little over time in the week before he goes:

  • Every camper is part of a group and, as your parents, we expect you to cooperate and help out.
  • If you are having a problem, your counselor is there to help you. Don't wait to tell us, you can tell your counselor. Be honest and ask for what you need.
  • If your counselor doesn't help or is part of what makes you uncomfortable, talk to your division leader.
  • Clean-up is part of camp; you do it everyday; we expect you to participate.
  • There are many new things at camp, and you may not like them all or be as good at some as you are at others. We expect you to try!
  • Go about making a new friend or two. If you are timid about meeting someone new, ask about what she likes and be a good listener.
  • Not everyone has to be your friend, and you don't have to be everyone else's friend. If you have one or two good friends at camp, that's great!
  • Have fun and tell us all about it on your first call home!
So, good luck and congratulations on giving your child the "gift" of growing up -- it will serve him for years to come.

This article was originally published on PBSParents and was written by Bob Ditter. Bob is a senior level clinical social worker who specializes in the evaluation and treatment of children, adolescents and their families. He maintains a clinical psychotherapy practice in Boston, Massachusetts, and consults nationally with agencies that work with young people, including the Salvation Army, the Girls Scouts of America, the YMCA, the American Camping Association, Jewish Community Centers, Sea World (Busch Entertainment), the Disney Channel, private and public schools, and others.

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]]>campsummer campPBSParents.orgTue, 17 May 2011 17:00:00 ESTPlanning for Summer Child Carehttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/13/planning-for-summer-child-care/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/13/planning-for-summer-child-care/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/13/planning-for-summer-child-care/#commentsFiled under: , ,

Summer Child Care

Summer will be here before you know it, and our little ones are counting down the days until school lets out. When that happens, families will have to fill anywhere from eight to 10 hours a day of child care. Summer isn't only a difficult time to plan and arrange child care, it's also the most expensive part of the year.

The average family can spend up $7,000 per child during the summer months. That's half of their annual child care budget! I asked our Care.com members if they planned on cutting back for the summer. In this economy, it wasn't surprising to see that 75 percent planned to find money-saving alternatives this year.

In the past, Ron (my husband) and I always put our boys into summer camps. But, this year, with the economic downturn, we've chatted about some other creative ways to cut costs while still making sure our 9-year-old son, Adam, enjoys his summer.

For example, Adam would love to go to a baseball camp, but that quickly gets pricey. Our local town camp is a great alternative since it's more economical and many of his school friends would be there, too. Of course, with the local camp, we'd have to figure out after-camp babysitting ... planning just never ends, does it?

If you're thinking about your child care plans for the summer, I've put together some ideas to keep the season fun for your little ones, while staying friendly to your family's budget.

Enlist Backup Babysitters
We ran another poll within the last few weeks asking Care.com members what kind of child care they'll need for the summer. The biggest response? A babysitter.

Before you hire a sitter, make sure you check the market rate. With college students looking for work, babysitting rates may be lower than other times of year. This handy salary calculator can keep you up-to-date on the local babysitting rates.

In the summertime, schedules can get crazy between work and the kids' activities, so prepare a backup list of caregivers. Sitters get sick (or take vacation), so you'll need extra help.

If you can, try using friends or relatives. Maybe they won't be your primary babysitters, but just using them as alternates can save money. You'll just have to help them out in return.

Share Sitters
Share the cost and split a summer sitter with a neighbor or two! This works great, especially if you're like my family and only have one child who needs a sitter. With the economy the way it is, most regular babysitters are used to these cost-saving arrangements, but you still want to be sure not to overload them with too many children. Try not to have them watch more than three kids under age 6, four kids under age 12, or more than five of any age.

Co-operation is key!
Care exchanges or swaps are great for setting up playdates and saving some money. They help parents connect with other families looking to share sitter services (for kids and pets). They're also an easy way to meet a family like yours and trade off babysitting shifts. However you set up an exchange, remember this--one day a week of free child care equals a 20 percent savings over the whole summer.

Summer Camp Savings
Many families are concerned about summer camp's cost. There are low-cost alternatives, though. Day camps can be great money-saving alternatives to overnight camps. And church or community camps often attract a wide range of local children, are usually pretty affordable and have a ton of activities for kids of all ages.

School's Out, Education Isn't
It's summer break for teachers, too, you know. Many of them spend their summers as a tutor to pay the bills. Instead of camp, why not hire one for a day each week to teach hobbies and skills? Make it fun for your kids so they don't think it's a chore -- pick a subject they're already interested in and create playdates by inviting friends. They'll enjoy themselves and their brains won't go to mush (which makes moms like me happy).

This article was originally published on PBS Parents by Sheila Marcelo. Sheila has always been passionate about business and family. After frequent struggles to find quality care providers not only for her two boys, but also following her father's quadruple bypass surgery in 2001, Sheila recognized the lack of resources available to help families address their constantly changing care needs. Thus, the idea for Care.com was born.

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]]>Babysitterbabysittingchild careSummer Child CaresummertimePBSParents.orgFri, 13 May 2011 11:00:00 ESTAre You Ready for Equally Shared Parenting?http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/12/are-you-ready-for-equally-shared-parenting/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/12/are-you-ready-for-equally-shared-parenting/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/12/are-you-ready-for-equally-shared-parenting/#commentsFiled under:

Equally Shared Parenting

When we talk about equally shared parenting to others, it's not unusual for someone to bring up the sheer impracticality of the idea.

We might hear something like: "I make so much less money than my husband, so I just can't see asking him to do half the laundry." Or perhaps: "I work from home and my husband has an hour commute -- it feels silly to insist that he ever drop off our daughter at preschool." Or: "Why make him cook if I enjoy it and he hates it?"

Or maybe even: "The baby wants only Mommy when he cries at 2 a.m., so why would we upset him just to share?" Why indeed? Why would we turn our lives upside down to create some artificial, unrealistic equal sharing of responsibilities between mothers and fathers?

Before tackling this question, we invite you to step back and mull over one a bit more general. That is, why would a couple aspire to share these duties (and joys) at all? For some families, this is not an important goal. It may be that traditional gendered family roles fit well with each parent's life aspirations and both partners feel fulfilled in their divided handling of paychecks, diapers and cooking. This standard lifestyle is a fully valid option -- neither better nor worse than any other.

But for many other parents -- both men and women alike -- a more evenly shared partnership is desired for many reasons. Sharing keeps us connected in an intimate way to the details of our lives together -- to each other, to our kids, to our communities. When we share, we can relate to each other because we're both in the messiness and wonder of raising a family together every day, and we can both understand each other's challenges and triumphs in the workplace as we tend our equally important (although not necessarily equally earning) careers.

Sharing keeps us both in the game -- competent enough at any particular chore or situation to not always defer to the other spouse as the 'expert' or to feel trapped because our partner cannot handle things in our absence. Sharing gives us each a chance at a life full of what we most cherish -- at work, at home -- without going crazy from having to handle it all.

Sharing prevents the burden of earning the family paycheck from landing squarely (or mostly) on one spouse, often allowing both a bit more freedom to take risks at work and find the jobs that energize them. And sharing teaches our kids that men can nurture and women can provide, and gives them two equally connected parents who can show them, up close, two different ways of navigating the world.

Yet, so many of us sharing-minded parents find ourselves bending to decisions that make perfect sense at the time, and drifting farther and farther from our goal of an equal partnership. Social customs nudge us along, too, telling us men's careers are primary and women are ultimately in charge of raising the kids and keeping house -- allowing women to consider staying home far more easily than men, and allowing men to opt for junior-status parenting duties more easily than women.

Pretty soon, after a few months of Mom changing more diapers than Dad and Dad pushing ahead on that big project at work that earns him a promotion, it seems downright ridiculous to force the sharing of any particular task. Life has a way of making us forget what we had hoped for ourselves.

So, when we wonder about the utter nonsense of asking a father to drop off his children -- and risk arriving to work late while his wife calmly sips her morning coffee from her snug home office -- we need to remember the dream, instead.

This doesn't mean such a couple should begin a regimented sharing of the school drop-offs tomorrow. But it does mean talking about what really matters -- a conversation that will be different for each couple. Maybe school drop-offs should be Mom's purview forevermore, but Dad might want to get equally involved at school in other ways -- perhaps pick-ups or 'room parents' duties or by being the default parent who goes to the school functions. Or perhaps Dad takes charge of piano lessons, instead.

Or maybe, just maybe, there is a way to share that drop-off duty, after all. What if Dad could go in to work a bit late twice a week, returning home a few minutes later, too? Would his boss care? Would he get something out of being the one responsible for marching his kids out the door in time for the school bell -- juggling their breakfast, teeth brushing, hair combing, supply-gathering, lunch-making and proper attire wearing? Would Mom get something out of not having to be the family drill sergeant twice a week, perhaps enjoying a run or gym workout and helping out as needed?

When we focus only on the status quo -- how we've arranged our lives today -- sharing the load can often sound downright foolish. Equally shared parenting never means a strict 50-50 division of any particular task (rather, the goal is an even sharing of the whole of childraising, the whole of breadwinning, the whole of housework and general time for recreation).

But, yet, a mother gets something invaluable by having a place in her family as an equal worker with an equally important career, and as an individual with a built-in full partner in the childraising duties as she watches her husband take charge of the children's morning routine. And the chance for a father to connect with his children as he begins his morning with them on an intimate level -- not just every so often but about half the time -- is priceless.

The first step to creating the dream of equally shared parenting is to claim it. Everything else is easy in comparison. Sure, the rest of the world will throw seemingly practical roadblocks in your plans. It will say you should build your life on making the most money possible -- saddle the lower-earning spouse with the bulk of the home responsibilities so the higher-earning spouse's career can soar.

It will insist you base your decisions on sensibilities like mileage, time, comparative aptitude for a task, and interest level. But if we follow the "rules," we'll get lives that our culture picks out for us instead of lives that might nourish our souls far more deeply.

We would love to hear your stories of crazy-wonderful equally shared parenting, or your reservations about the craziness. What works? What is absolutely nuts?

This article originally appeared on PBSParents and was written by Marc and Amy Vachon. They are the authors of Equally Shared Parenting: Rewriting the Rules for a New Generation of Parents, a how-to guide for sharing the joys and challenges of childraising, breadwinning, housework and time for recreation. They are also the founders of equallysharedparenting.com, the first dedicated online resource for egalitarian parenting from the perspective of both parents. Their work has been covered by the New York Times, USA Today, Boston Globe, Guardian (UK), Fitness Magazine, TODAY Show, Parenting,/i>, Babble, Chicago Tribune, Huffington Post, and other media. They are active speakers at professional work/life balance and family/marriage conferences, and have written their personal story of equally shared parenting in One Big Happy Family, an anthology by Rebecca Walker. They live in Watertown, Massachusetts, with their two children, ages eight and five.

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]]>equal parentingEqually Shared Parentingshared parentingPBSParents.orgThu, 12 May 2011 17:00:00 ESTHelping Adopted Children Find Their Identitieshttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/11/helping-adopted-children-find-their-identities/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/11/helping-adopted-children-find-their-identities/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/11/helping-adopted-children-find-their-identities/#commentsFiled under:

adopted children

Twenty years ago, when my husband and I adopted our children from Korea, it was suggested that if we loved them enough they would not crave missing identity elements from their past.

Somehow, this advice didn't seem right. We wanted to acknowledge our children's experience of often being the only Asian faces among their peers. So, we decided to be the only Caucasian faces among many Asian ones in the Sacramento, Calif. Korean-American community.

We didn't stay on the surface; we dove in deep to form friendships with first-, second- and third-generation Korean Americans, as well as Koreans living in Korea. I made my first Korean-American friend by walking into her dry cleaning shop. I spent hours manning the front counter of her store while she took her children to the doctor and attended school conferences. She spent hours teaching me to cook Korean food at her house or simply talking to me while my children played with hers in the back of her store.

The latest expert advice is to expose adoptees early and often to their cultures of origin. On the Internet, I see many discussions revolving around the question "How much culture is too much?" People ask, "Should children be forced to learn about their countries of origin?"

To me, these don't seem to be the relevant questions. This type of experience is different from having family friends to whom children can relate as little or as much as they like. Korean and Asian-Americans are often in our homes and in our lives. They are not our "Korean friends." They are our friends.

As they grew, our children related to these family friends almost casually. Because they were readily available, my children asked our friends questions about Korea and got ideas about how to handle racial incidents as they arose.

Even with many resources available, identity formation is not easy. In addition to parenting, children are influenced by many factors, including their innate genetics, the communities in which they are raised, the friends they make and the resolution of unexpected experiences that arise in their lives.

For many adoptees there is the additional layer of an unknown birth family. And, for inter-ethnic adoptees, there is another culture and another ethnicity to add to the mix when forming a sense of self. A good relationship between parent and child helps. As parents, the best thing we can do is to show our children that we value all the elements of who they are. Having friends from our children's ethnic background makes a strong statement of our willingness to love what is not inherently within ourselves.

Friendships are best when they include reciprocity. In order to give as well as get, here are some ideas to make friends from your child's ethnic background. We don't become friends with everyone we meet, so it may take many encounters to find good friends.

1. You may find friends at your child's school or in your neighborhood. If you see someone who is isolated and struggling to connect, you might be a good bridge. If you find someone who is already well-integrated, you have an excellent role model for your child.

2. Travel to your child's homeland in a way that promotes deeper interaction. Programs that include home stays are wonderful for really getting to know others. If you host an exchange student from your child's birth country, you may have a chance to visit that student in their home.

3. Get involved in ethnic community organizations. Attend an ethnic church, a cultural fair, or volunteer to help seniors. If you don't give up easily and are open to new ways of doing things, opportunities for making friends will emerge.

4. Frequent ethnic businesses. Who doesn't appreciate a good and loyal customer? Friendships can evolve.

5. Make friends through adoption community events. You will have fewer opportunities here. You are asking people to come into your comfort zone rather than entering theirs. But if you become one of the organizers or volunteers, you may find opportunities to connect.

If you've adopted a child from another ethnicity, how are you connecting him with his culture?

This article originally appeared on PBSParents and was written by Chris Winston. Chris is founder and former president of the Korean American Adoptee Adoptive Family Network (KAAN), which aims to support networking and build understanding among Korean-born adoptees, adoptive families, Koreans and Korean Americans. KAAN hosts an annual national conference in a different city each year. Winston has published articles and presented papers and workshops for numerous adoption- and Korea-related organizations and conferences. In 2006, KAAN published her book, A Euro-American on a Korean Tour at a Thai Restaurant in China. She lives in Sacramento, California with her husband, Mark. They have three adult children, two of whom were adopted from Korea.


Deann Borshay Liem was adopted in 1966 from South Korea by an American family in California. She has made two films about her experiences - "First Person Plural" and "In the Matter of Cha Jung Hee" - both of which have aired on PBS.

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]]>adopted childrenadopted childrens cultureadoptionPBSParents.orgWed, 11 May 2011 17:00:00 ESTNurturing Sibling Relationshipshttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/10/nurturing-sibling-relationships/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/10/nurturing-sibling-relationships/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/10/nurturing-sibling-relationships/#commentsFiled under: ,

sibling relationships

When my oldest daughter was 7 and her little sister was 5, I told them they could go swimming after finishing a page of homework. After a while, my 5-year-old raised two pages of work up in the air and proudly proclaimed, "We can go swimming now! Let's go!"

Confused, I asked her what she meant because her older sister was still working on her homework. She replied, "Oh, Mommy, we can go swimming now because I did two pages of homework." Wondering if she had misunderstood the guidelines, I pointed in the direction of her sister, who was still busily working at her desk. With a proud smile on her face and wide-eyed excitement, my sweet little 5-year-old exclaimed, "No, Mommy, we can go now because I did two pages: one for me and one for my sister!"

While applauding her for her thoughtfulness, yet setting the correct boundary, I told her, "Oh, honey, that is very sweet of you to want to help your sister, but she really needs to finish her own work. Thank you for the thought, but your extra page doesn't count for your sister."

With an accepting nod of the head she replied, "OK, Mommy, but the love counts, right?"

It warms a parent's heart to see love between siblings. When a parent witnesses one sibling choosing to do something loving towards another on his own accord, it creates a deep sense of satisfaction. More than anything else, parents want to see their children get along harmoniously, support each other and be "bestest" friends.

Unfortunately, this love between siblings does not always come naturally or easily. Siblings are often squabbling, competing or having less than positive feelings about each other. Left to their own devices, they will bicker to no end. It takes vision, patience, modeling and encouragement on the parents' part, and plenty of practice on the children's part, for the sibling relationship to be a positive one.

Yes, children are young, but relationships are real. As much as adults struggle with having positive relationships, children do, as well. They need their parents' help.

While parents want to nurture a positive relationship between their children, many times they don't know exactly how to go about it. Should they have their children room together so that they will develop a closer bond? Should they insist on their children taking classes together or sharing hobbies? Or should they step back and let their children figure out the relationship and hope for the best?

Just like so many other areas in life, children need specific instruction and good modeling to know how to develop good sibling relationships. As most parents know, siblings do not become best friends automatically just because they are living in the same house. Children need parents to help nurture this very important relationship.

Try these five tips to help strengthen the connection between your children:

1. Practice what you preach, because your children are learning more from what you do than from what you say. Instead of shouting at your children to stop shouting, encourage them to use a gentle voice with each other. Use kindness and thoughtfulness in your actions, and your children will be more likely to follow suit.

2. Does every child in the family get shoes just because one of your children gets his much needed soccer shoes? Do your children always complain that you're not fair? When children complain about something not being fair, what they really mean is that it's not exactly "equal." They want the exact same portion of ice cream as their sibling every time but let's face it, life is not always equal. Explain to your children that fairness means you get what you need, but it doesn't always happen at the exact same time or in the exact same way. And, that's okay.

3. Siblings need meaningful activities in order for them to have opportunities to work together and have memorable, bonding experiences. If left unattended on a daily basis without goals or focus, frequent conflicts and aggravations are sure to flair up. Bake cookies together. Build forts. Work together as a team toward a common goal. Children benefit greatly when parents help to channel their children's energy into something positive.

4. Consider whether your children have been together too much for their own good. Allowing each child to have private time in the playroom for a day or letting a child attend birthday parties alone once in a while can be a good thing. Maybe they could benefit from a change in scenery and company.

5. For siblings who have five or more years between them, it can be more challenging to find connections and opportunities to nurture. Despite the wide gap, it is still very important for them to have a positive relationship and the energy put into this is well worth it. One danger to avoid is giving the older sibling authority over the younger sibling. Of course they should look out for their younger brother or sister but parents need to set the boundary and expectation that siblings are friends first.

As often as you can, intentionally nurture the sibling relationship with good modeling, opportunity, encouragement and teaching. It's impossible for kids to always get along, but at least you now have a few strategies to help create harmony among your kids. What other strategies have worked for you?

This article originally appeared on PBSParents and was written by Suzy Martyn. Suzy is the author of Enjoy the Ride: Tools, Tips, and Inspiration for the Most Common Parenting Challenges and Sleep Tight: Help Your Child Attain a Good Night's Sleep in Three Days As a mentor mom and keynote speaker for Babies 'R Us and MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) groups, Martyn enjoys sharing her knowledge and experience with parents and hearing what concerns them the most. Her experience has been enhanced by more than 25 years of caring for children in the classroom, through in-home childcare, and as a parenting consultant as well as from being the mother of three daughters who are "bestest" friends.

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]]>nuturing sibling relationshipssibling relationshipssiblingsPBSParents.orgTue, 10 May 2011 12:00:00 ESTWhy Do So Many Boys Not Care About School?http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/09/why-do-so-many-boys-not-care-about-school/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/09/why-do-so-many-boys-not-care-about-school/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/09/why-do-so-many-boys-not-care-about-school/#commentsFiled under: , ,

boys in school

Over the last 40 years, the United States has seen a remarkable change in the academic success of boys and girls. In 1970, 58 percent of college graduates were young men; now close to 60 percent of college graduates are women, and this gender gap continues to grow.

There will always be boys who will thrive in school, but more and more, it's girls who do well academically and boys who are losing ground.

Two-thirds of the D's and F's given out in school go to boys. Boys are one-third more likely to drop out before finishing high school. Eighth grade girls score higher in both reading and especially in writing than boys do, and, by 12th grade,that gap has widened. The average 11th grade boy in the United States writes at the level of the average eighth grade girl.

A few years ago, medical schools in the United States began accepting more young women than young men; soon medicine will be a female-dominated profession. I could go on and on with these statistics, but you get the point: On average, girls outperform boys in elementary school, middle school, high school, college and graduate school.

Why is that? Experts disagree on the reasons. If you read Christina Hoff Sommers' "The War Against Boys," you'll blame feminism for feminizing schools; if you read Leonard Sax's "Why Gender Matters" or Michael Gurian's "The Minds of Boys," you'll think it's the brain differences between boys and girls that educators don't take into account.

If you read Peg Tyre's "The Trouble with Boys," you'll conclude that classrooms are unfriendly places for boys, and that teachers' techniques don't work for them. If you read other experts, they'll tell you that the "boy crisis" is overblown.

What we do know is that this is happening not just in the United States, but in Western Europe, the United Kingdom, Australia and New Zealand. Once parents and educators removed the psychological barriers to higher education that used to exist for girls, that is, once we leveled the playing field, girls outstripped boys in school.

How can you motivate your son to do better in school? You may be asking yourself one of the questions so many parents ask me: "My 7-year-old son hates school. It's a fight to get him to school every morning." "How do I motivate my 15-year-old son to care about school?" "My son is bright, but he's just cruising through school. He never makes an effort to do his best work."

I think you have to start by figuring out why your son hates school or doesn't think it's important. In my opinion, there are five types of boys who aren't doing well in school.

1. The Struggling Boy. The vast majority of boys who get poor grades in school are not "underachieving." They are making their best effort and are struggling academically because they are of below average intelligence and the work is extremely hard for them, or they are of average intelligence in a very hard-driving school district.

It is humiliating to know you struggle with academics other boys find easy; it's frustrating and makes you want to run away. These struggling students need teachers who can make learning fun, and require the ongoing respect of teachers and their parents in order to stay motivated. These boys need to hear the old saying, "As long as you're trying your hardest."

2. The Learning Disabled Boy. Priscilla Vail, an expert in learning disabilities, used to say one-third of boys have "funny brains." We know boys have more variable brains than girls do, and that this affects their school performance. Two-thirds of children in special education are boys. Many of these boys have real learning disabilities. (Some are there for emotional or disciplinary reasons.)

We used to call boys with learning disabilities "stupid" or "lazy." Now, we're able to focus on the areas of their brains that do not work as well as others. However, we do not have a cure for learning disabilities; they do not go away, and they are demoralizing for any boy.

3. The Cruising (or Good-Enough) Boy Student. These boys often feel that school is hard, and pretty boring, and that they do enough homework, and that there are other things to be interested in: girls, sports, a part-time job, cars, etc. It's not that a boy like this has a particular passion, it's just that -- well, he doesn't like school all that much and doesn't see how it is related to his future.

The only ways to motivate a "cruising/good-enough" boy: 1) Continue to hold high expectations for him, and express your ideals and some sense of disappointment, or 2) Use incentives to induce him to change his priorities. (Getting a car? He must maintain a B average to drive it). Some parents react negatively to the idea of "bribes," but I call them incentives; they work in business, they work for kids.

4. The "Otherwise Engaged" Boy. There are boys who develop interests outside of school that are so compelling that school can no longer hold their interest. The satisfaction -- not to mention the applause -- that talented, athletic boys receive playing football, for example, or the sense of usefulness that other boys get from paying jobs, editing the school newspaper, being part of a band, or -- gulp -- computer games (or online businesses) are far greater than anything mere grades can offer them. Though it's exciting when a boy discovers a passion he wants to pursue, it can present many challenges to their parents.

5. The Allergic-to-School Boy. In my book, "The Pressured Child," I talk about children who seem to be allergic to the school environment. There are some boys for whom the physical experience of being in a class all day, the psychological experience of having a teacher controlling everything, the frustrations of having to sit still, the humiliation of grades -- or any one of a thousand annoying things about the school environment -- are simply intolerable.

If your boy is allergic to school in this way, it is going to be a struggle to keep him going until he finishes. He'll need teachers who understand and can work with boys who hate school without taking it personally. They have to be willing to modify homework demands and try to see the school environment through a boy's eyes -- if he will let them.

Does your boy fit into one of the categories above? I welcome any ideas or questions you have about motivating boys in school.

This article originally appeared on PBSParents and was written by Michael Thompson, Ph.D. Michael is a consultant, author and psychologist specializing in children and families. He is Senior Advisor to the PBS Parents Guide to Raising Boys and the host of the PBS documentary Raising Cain

He and his coauthor, Dan Kindlon, wrote the New York Times bestseller, Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys, in 1999. Most recently, he has published a comprehensive guide for raising boys entitled, It's a Boy! Your Son's Development from Birth to Eighteen (Ballantine, 2008). Michael Thompson has appeared on The Today Show, The Oprah Winfrey Show, 20/20, 60 Minutes, The Early Show and Good Morning America. He is the clinical consultant to The Belmont Hill School and has worked in more than two hundred fifty schools across the United States, as well as in international schools in Central America, Europe and Asia. He is the father of Joanna, 24, and Will, 19.

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]]>academic successboysboys in schoolPBSParents.orgMon, 09 May 2011 17:00:00 ESTGetting Kids to Try New and Healthy Foodshttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/06/getting-kids-to-try-healthy-foods/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/06/getting-kids-to-try-healthy-foods/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/06/getting-kids-to-try-healthy-foods/#commentsFiled under: , , , ,

Getting Kids to Try New and Healthy Foods

"How do I get my child to eat fruits and veggies?" "Is it OK for my child to take a vitamin supplement and then eat anything he wants?" "My child only eats five foods: chicken fingers, fries, applesauce, cereal and milk."

Do any of these questions and comments sound familiar? As a registered dietitian, I hear them on a weekly basis from parents. I am amazed how many "picky eaters" I encounter. I see it from infancy through adolescence. (Actually, I meet plenty of adults, too, who eat the same foods over and over again.) So what are parents to do when their kids are reluctant to try new foods?

Children learn their habits, attitudes and beliefs from their parents and other caregivers, and that includes their willingness to try new and healthy foods. For National Nutrition Month, the American Dietetic Association encourages parents to be good role models and teach their children how to appreciate nutrition and enjoy healthful eating.

Here is what sometimes happens: A parent introduces applesauce to baby. Baby likes it and eats the entire serving. The next week the parent offers pears. Baby tastes it, spits it out and makes a face. The parent does not force it and thinks, "OK, baby does not like it, so I won't offer it again." So baby is only eating the applesauce.

It is true that it often takes multiple tastes of a new food before a child accepts it -- of course, some foods require more offerings than others, and some foods are never accepted. The most important thing you can do is offer your children as many new foods as possible, as early in life as possible.

It takes much longer to accept new foods when you are older, as you may already know. I meet 10-year-old children who have never tried a fresh pear or red pepper. I am also discouraged by the statistic showing that the number one vegetable consumed by toddlers is the fried potato.

Let's commit to changing that statistic -- these tips will get you started:

  • When infants are at the stage of trying new foods, offer new foods every few days to see if there are any reactions or allergies. By the time baby is 1 year old, hopefully, baby has a varied diet of fruits, vegetables, grains and protein foods, including beans, tofu, soft meats and yogurt.
  • When toddlerhood (and independent eating) arrives, stick with meal times and avoid filling the child up on cheese, crackers and milk, or juice, before mealtime.
  • Let your child see you try new foods. Children are copycats, so if you model an interest in trying new things, there's a stronger chance that your child will, too.
  • The most important tip I can give to help get kids to taste new foods is to make sure they are hungry at mealtime. Halt snacking at least one to two hours beforehand and even longer for older children.
  • If children are labeled as "picky eaters," guess what? They will be! Let's stop the labeling and eat with our children the most nutritious meals we can provide.
If you're looking for more fun ways to get your kids excited about trying new (and nutritious) foods, see what's cooking at Fizzy's Lunch Lab on PBS KIDS GO! There are lots of great ideas and activities to inspire kids to give new foods a try.

This article was originally published on PBS Parents by Sarah Krieger, MPH, RD, LD. A national spokesperson for the American Dietetic Association, Sarah Krieger developed and is lead instructor for All Children's Hospital's Fit4AllKids Weight Management and Fitness for Families program in St Petersburg, FL. The program targets families with 8-12 year olds and has a teen program for 13-18 year olds. Krieger and a research team of physicians at the University of South Florida completed a study that determined the outcomes of the program for obese teens. She continues to work per diem for All Children's on the clinical side by working with children at nutritional risk.

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]]>eating healthyhealthy foodshow to get kids to eat healthy foodspicky eatersPBSParents.orgFri, 06 May 2011 17:00:00 ESTExploring the Concerns of Adoptive Parentshttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/05/exploring-the-concerns-of-adoptive-parents/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/05/exploring-the-concerns-of-adoptive-parents/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/05/exploring-the-concerns-of-adoptive-parents/#commentsFiled under:

adoptive parents

Twenty-four years ago, when my newly-adopted daughter, Joanna, was about 4 months old, I was reading an article about adoption in the Sunday paper. The author made the sweeping statement that all adopted children feel a life-long "sorrow" about having been given up by their birth parents.

When I read this, it made me angry. Here I was, preparing to be a loving, caring, generous adoptive father to a beautiful baby girl. The idea that she would carry a sorrow with her for her entire life felt like an affront to my loving heart. As her excited psychologist father, wasn't it my mission to protect my daughter from pain? Wasn't it my job to make sure she had a happy childhood and felt wonderful about being adopted by us?

I read the offending sentence out loud to our in-house expert on adoption: my wife, Theresa. As a malnourished baby weighing only 11 pounds at 7 months, Theresa had been adopted from an orphanage outside Dublin, Ireland by an American family. She also has three adopted younger siblings.

She was the expert, and I fully expected her to refute the author's sorrow argument. "This is a little much, isn't it?" I prompted. She looked me in the eye and said, "That sounds about right to me."

Was there anything I could do to transform our daughter's sorrow? "No," she declared with the voice of authority. I realized how naïve I was. It was time for me to start thinking more deeply about the psychology of adopted children and adoptive parents.

Let's jump ahead to my daughter's 18th birthday. I found her upstairs sobbing on her bed. "I want to meet my birth mother," she cried. "You promised I could when I turned 18."

Fast forward now to Joanna's 23rd birthday, which we celebrated as a family that included not only our adopted 17-year-old son, Will, but also Joanna's birth-mother and her family -- including two daughters she later adopted from China.

Every adoption comes with a fascinating back story, and, of course, that amazing first meeting between parent and child. But all adoptions come with questions and doubts, too, both for the adoptive parents and later on for the adopted child. These questions may continue throughout the child's entire childhood and adolescence.

Each year, I speak to more than 100 audiences of parents, and whenever I mention that I am an adoptive father, an adoptive parent approaches me later with questions and concerns. Below are the top four worries that come up when adoptive parents talk about their children, and the one, big worry that adopted children have expressed to me in psychotherapy.

How can I be sure the loving bond I have with my adoptive child is as strong and close as the attachment (I imagine) between a biological child and birth parents?
The idea of "my flesh and blood" has a strong psychological hold on all of us. You can't raise someone else's biological child without wondering whether you are getting it "right." How can adoptive parents tell whether they have formed a strong bond of love, especially if they adopted a child later in infancy or childhood? Adoptive parents must contend with an extra measure of normal parenting doubt.

How do I raise a child whose temperament and learning style are so different from mine?
Because traits run in families, the chances of having a child with a very different temperament from your own obviously increase when you adopt a child. In addition, research has proven adopted children have above-average rates of learning disabilities, ADHD and other school problems. Things that came easily to you may not to your adopted child and vice versa. Raising an adopted child forces us all to stretch a bit to understand a different temperament and brain.

When my child has behavioral or emotional difficulties in childhood, how can I tell whether they are "normal" problems or adoption-related problems?
When an adopted child hits developmental snags, as all children do, it is impossible not to wonder, "Is this happening because he or she is adopted?" Most of the time, most problems are simply developmental, true, but some problems like hoarding and stealing, or unusually ferocious identity struggles in adolescence may, in fact, be related to a child's early infantile experiences or to the sorrow and anger related to adoption itself. It's important to be able to talk about these challenges.

How do I talk to my child about his or her being adopted when it's hard to bring the subject up, or I'm not ready for it myself?
Talking about adoption is always important and rarely easy. It used to be common to keep adoption a family secret; not so much anymore. Yet, I still run into parents who are waiting until their children are 5 or 6 before telling them. Yikes! Even if you are open and positive about adoption from the beginning, direct conversations about it can be emotionally difficult for parents and children alike. Waiting years to drop this bomb can mean intense feelings of hurt and betrayal for the child, because it changes his or her feelings of identity so radically.

And that brings me to the concern so many adopted children share with me in conversation -- the question of fit between adoptive parent and adopted child: "Was I the child my parents hoped I would be when they adopted me? Have I been a good son or daughter to them?"

All children hope to please their parents. It is one of the fundamental motivators in a child's life. They want to be loved, certainly, but they also want to honor their parents' love and sacrifice on their behalf. How does this worry about expectations affect an adopted child?

This article was originally published on PBS Parents by Michael Thompson, Ph.D.Michael Thompson, Ph.D. is a consultant, author and psychologist specializing in children and families. He is Senior Advisor to the PBS Parents Guide to Raising Boys and the host of the PBS documentary Raising Cain.

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]]>adoptionadoptive parentsPBSParents.orgThu, 05 May 2011 10:00:00 ESTSteps to Stepfamily Successhttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/04/steps-to-stepfamily-success/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/04/steps-to-stepfamily-success/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/04/steps-to-stepfamily-success/#commentsFiled under: , , , ,

stepfamily success

Typical multi-home stepfamilies are like intact biological families in many ways. But, they differ structurally, developmentally and dynamically in many ways too.

Stepfamilies who aren't aware of these differences risk using biological family norms and expectations to guide their day-to-day lives. That's like trying to play baseball with soccer equipment and basketball rules -- guaranteed to create confusion, conflict and stress.

Learning to live well in a new family takes time. Everyone has a lot to learn, including how to cope in a new environment. One of the first things you'll want to do is to recognize some of the myths of stepfamilies. For example:

Myth #1: "I love you, and I must love your kids."
Reality: "I love you and will patiently work at respecting your kids. They and I may never love each other. If we do, it will feel different than biological parent-child love, and that's okay.

Myth #2: "Your or my ex-mate is not part of our family!"
Reality: "As long as your biological children from your previous marriage live, their other biological parent, and their new mate(s), if any, will emotionally, financially, legally and genetically influence all of your lives. Ignoring or discounting the needs and feelings of these other adults will stress everyone for years.

Myth #3: "We're just like a regular biological family."
Reality: Not really. Your new extended family and the linking of stepfamily co-parenting homes add up to loads of relatives with many major losses to mourn, and many conflicting values and customs to resolve. You are, however, normal -- a normal multi-home stepfamily.

Myth #4: "Your or my kids will never come between us."
Reality: Stepfamily adults' inability to resolve clashes over one or more step-kids, including related money issues, is the most quoted reason for a stepfamily divorce. Underneath this usually lie your own unhealed wounds.

Myth #5: "Stepparenting is pretty much like biological parenting, without the childbirth."
Reality: While stepparents' primary goals are about the same as those of biological parents, the emotional, legal and social environments of average stepparents differ in numerous ways. This usually leads to confusion, frustration, and stress, until all the stepfamily adults agree clearly on what each other's key responsibilities are.

Myth #6: "Your and/or my biological kids(s) will always live with us."
Reality: In about 30 percent of U.S. stepfamilies, one or more minor biological kids move into the home of their other biological parent at some point. The resulting emotional and financial shock waves can be extremely challenging. The key is to build realistic expectations for your new stepfamily homes, roles and relationships. If you don't, ongoing frustrations and disappointments can end up harming your marriage. Learning together what's normal in average stepfamilies -- early on -- can help considerably.

Here are a few more ideas on how to keep your new family on the right track:

1. Adopt an open learner's mind to new ways of doing things.

2. Award yourself patience, permission to mess up and learn, and strokes for the smallest triumphs.

3. Expect some people to misunderstand and to criticize your new values, goals, and plans -- or you. Realize they probably are stuck in a biological family mode of thinking. That's their issue.

4. Keep your emotional knees flexed, hold hands, and enjoy the adventure and challenge together. It's worth it!

Your relatives and friends might mistakenly expect your new household and kin to feel and act like a biological family. They also may not approve of either the prior divorce(s) or the remarriage. Yet, when well-run by confidant stepfamily adult teams (not simply couples), this modern version of an ancient family form can provide the warmth, comfort, inspiration, support, security -- and often (not always) the love -- that adults and kids long for.

What's your biggest challenge as a stepparent? How are you dealing with it?

This article was originally published on PBS Parents by Gloria Lintermans. Gloria Lintermans is the author of The Secrets to Stepfamily Success: Revolutionary Tools to create a Blended Family of Support and Respect, The Healing Power of Grief: The Journey Through Loss to Love and Laughter, and The Healing Power of Love: Transcending the Loss of a Spouse to New Love.

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]]>stepchildrenstepfamiliesstepfamily successPBSParents.orgWed, 04 May 2011 10:00:00 EST