Is it OK to lie to your kids?

Because of an argument I recently had with my mom, an article titled "House of lies: Is fibbing to your kids ever OK?" grabbed my attention.
A few months ago, my 8 and 6 year old spent spring break in Arizona visiting their grandparents. My kids are very close with my parents and while there, the subject of peer pressure came up in a conversation they were having about school with their grandmother. My mother explained that both children and adults are susceptible to peer pressure. As an example, she said it was like "when Uncle Pat goes out to smoke on the patio and convinces your Daddy to smoke with him.".
The problem is that our kids have no idea that their Dad has ever smoked cigarettes. My mom, apparently, didn't know that.
It's true that my husband, Sean, shared a cigarette with my brother a couple years ago. However, it is the rare social occasion where Sean smokes and it is always out of the sight of the kids.
When the kids returned home, one of the first things they told us was that Grandma told them "Daddy smoked with Uncle Pat." Clearly they were shocked and wanted to sort out the story. Totally surprised by the revelation, my husband told them that grandma must have been mistaken and left it at that. The kids believed him and that was the end of the story ... sort of.
When my mom found out, she was upset because she felt that Sean's explanation undermined her credibility with the kids. She also thinks that this could have been a teachable moment: children and adults must overcome temptations to give in to peer pressure -- even Daddy. More importantly, she insists that we should not lie to the children, lest they catch Sean smoking one day.
My husband and I do not believe that we need to tell our kids everything. While it would be best if Sean never smoked at all (and he hasn't in a long time), I agree with his decision to "lie" in this instance given how rarely he smokes. In this case, I do not think it is something we need to discuss or explain to the kids. Sometimes, withholding some information, especially when they are young, is for their own good.
So, is it OK to lie to your kids? Weigh in. Both my mom and I are curious about your answers.
To learn more about Rachel, visit her website @ www.rachelcamposduffy.com
Kids overscheduled this summer? Go retro!
Kids 5-7, Kids 8-11, Fun & activities, Siblings

So far, this is turning out to be a retro summer! By foregoing the organized sport/activity route, my kids are busy making themselves busy.
Two weeks ago, my budding capitalists set up a lemonade stand in our driveway. They made signs, lemonade, and used their own piggy bank money to buy supplies. They were so excited to have "customers" and I found myself surprised by how seriously they took their job.
With all this free time, there's time for elaborate dress-up games. Most mornings they come down dressed as spies in black leggings, old trench coats and a back pack full of "spy things" which consist primarily of walkie-talkies and primitive telescopes. Today they divulged their secret hiding place in the ravine by the side of the house where they "spy on the cars" that drive by.
Combat child obesity with a home-cooked meal
Eating & nutrition, Medical conditions, In the news, Mealtime

I'm one of those moms that cares a lot about the food my family eats. Even as food costs rise, we've cut back in other areas in our budget so that we can continue to buy organic and locally grown meat and produce.
But by far, the most important thing I do to ensure that my family eats healthy, well-balanced meals is to COOK. That is why I found myself particularly peeved as I read a Time Magazine cover story entitled "How America's Children Packed on the Pounds."
In summing up the answer to the dilemma presented in the cover story title, the author describes "a long multifront war" on childhood obesity as such: "Parents are fighting it in the home....... Policymakers are fighting it as they study the growing body of research..... Doctors are fighting it as they deal daily with the ills associated with childhood obesity. And perhaps most important, teachers, mentors, and public role models are fighting it as they help kids navigate a culture that fosters fat but idealizes thin....".
Teachers, mentors, and public role models are the most important front in this war??!! I have a serious problem with the assigned hierarchy. In fact, this mentality, which inevitably leads to millions of wasted tax dollars, makes my blood boil!
A child's food preferences, habits, and his/her relationship with food are determined at HOME. Teachers, mentors, and public role models (whatever that means) can do precious little once the mold is set.
If America thinks that real solutions to childhood obesity lie in government campaigns such as the $125 million "VERB" campaign aimed at preteens and featuring Miley Cyrus, they are either grossly naive or, more likely, in serious denial. The campaign's budget was eventually slashed, which Time Magazine described as the government "dropping the ball."
Actually, parents are the ones "dropping the ball." We don't need another million-dollar government study to figure out that childhood obesity increased at about the same time that the once sacred family meal became optional and even non-existent in some homes.
If your child is a latch-key kid who heats up his dinner in the microwave or if eating take-out in the car on the way to soccer practice has replaced good food and conversation around the family table, you may have a genuinely good reason for your family's meal arrangements. And that's fine by me.
My problem is not with your particular arrangement (to each his own), but rather with our national denial. We blame McDonalds, school lunches, commercials, video games, the government -- the list goes on.
To combat childhood obesity, kids don't need government funded celebrity campaigns or mentors as much as they need parents who take the time to plan and cook nutritious meals that family members are expected to attend.
Why do we insist on complicating things so much? It's the family meal, stupid.
For more information about Rachel, visit her website at www.rachelcamposduffy.com.
From tots to High School Musical
Toddlers, Kids 5-7, Kids 8-11, Development, In the news, Media

"She went straight from Disney princess to High School Musical," complains one mom in an article titled "Parents fret as as tots love 'High School Musical."
As Disney shows such as Hannah Montana and High School Musical (HSM) predictably make their way down the marketing food chain, there is growing concern among parents that adolescent themes like boyfriends and break-ups are now being digested by two and three-year olds. Today, it's not unusual for a four year-old to have a High School Musical birthday party or to proclaim Sharpay, HSM's superficial, Jimmy Choo wearing mean girl to be her "favorite character." So long Cinderella.
I have sounded off on this disturbing trend often in my blogs and I stand by my position that the sexualization of childhood via entertainment, toys, and clothes is one of the most insidious forces facing young kids -- especially young girls.
It's not easy to safeguard childhood given the corporate marketing onslaught and the fact that so many kids are steeped in what now passes for "kid culture."
So what's a mom to do? My strategy is to stick to my guns. If I can postpone a premature adolescence by even a couple of years, it will be worth it. I set age-appropriate boundaries and explain them in a way that my children can understand and explain to their peers if questioned about it.
Of course, they want to know why their friends can watch these shows when they can't. I simply tell them that all families have different rules. This won't be the first time where ours differs from those of other families. In our home, I explain, kids watch and play with kid stuff because being a kid is FUN and there is no need to rush it. I assure them that there will be plenty of time for tween and teen things in the future. So far, this explanation has been satisfactory. I used a similar tact with the Bratz Dolls: "I want you to play with a doll that looks like you. This doll looks kind of mean and wears so much make-up. She doesn't look very fun."
This year our 8 year-old daughter attended a party where High School Musical was shown. She informed the girls that she isn't allowed to watch "teenager movies" and an animated G-rated film was played instead. She also left the room when the conversation turned to things she recognized that we would not like her to be part of. I didn't expect that to happen, but it did and I was proud of her. It happened to be the day before Mother's Day and I told her it was the best present she could have ever given me.
This weekend, she attended Girl Scout camp by herself for the first time. Initially, I had flashbacks of all those "camp" movies where the bad girls talk the other girls into compromising dares and rites of initiation involving boys. Luckily, camp came on the heels of her very commendable (and courageous) conduct at the birthday party. I let her go.
As the bus drove off, I thought to myself, "First Girl Scouts, then college." It goes so fast. That's precisely why she should be a little girl as long as she can.
Tim Russert taught that parenting matters

I love that I have so many friends and relatives with older kids. My children are all under the age of eight so when my husband and I find ourselves in the company of a nice, well-adjusted young adult, we often wonder what our own kids will be like at that age. Inevitably, we ask ourselves, what did these parents do to turn out such a good child?
Observing other people's older kids has truly informed our parenting. After all, they are the end "product,", so to speak, and we still have time to change course. We see things we like and don't like and adjust our rules or parenting styles accordingly.
With few exceptions, the proof is in the pudding.
This morning on the Today Show I saw an excellent example of this. In an interview with Matt Lauer, Luke Russert, the son of the recently deceased journalist, Tim Russert, demonstrated the kind of poise, good humor and love for his dad that spoke volumes about his upbringing and his parents.
The secret to Luke's character is not a secret. In a best-selling book (Big Russ and Me) and countless interviews he did promoting the book, Tim Russert talked about the lessons he learned and tried to pass on to his son. Life lessons about discipline, perseverance, accountability, and love through actions and words. These were lessons he learned from his parents, from the nuns and priests at his Catholic school, and from the hard-working ethics of his blue-collar community in Buffalo, New York.
I hope you will enjoy this clip as much as I did; I was especially tired today and this interview seemed to recharge my batteries and refocus my day. It was a powerful reminder to this mom that what I do as a parent matters. This family's tragedy and love for each other made me grateful for my own family and for the privilege it is to be with and raise my kids. My children are my legacy. Tim can be proud of his.
To learn more about Rachel Campos-Duffy visit her website at rachelcamposduffy.com.
A SAHM's dirty little secret

These days, bringing up the "mommy wars" is as potentially explosive as a faux pas at a Middle East peace negotiation -- except everyone is a lot less diplomatic.
I happened to grow up in a family of political junkies who loved to philosophize and argue at the family dinner table about all the supposedly taboo topics -- politics, religion, the Arab-Israeli conflict. So as a SAHM, the emotional minefield of the so-called "mommy wars" is familiar and fascinating territory and I read just about everything I come across on the subject whether I agree with it or not.
One of the latest releases in this genre is Linda Hirschman's Get to Work...and Get a Life Before It's Too Late. No surprises here. It's standard feminist fare; you know, boomer feminist rails against Ivy educated SAHMs for not taking their rightful positions of power and leadership in politics and commerce, thereby shirking their duty to improve conditions for less fortunate working-class women. With educated women home caring for toddlers instead of working to change the world, who, asks Hirshman, will fight for gender equity? Shame on all you over-educated, ungrateful, Pilates-toned, Starbucks-swilling moms! Now get back to work!
Mom gives public punishment for 12-year old accused of bullying

A 12 year-old boy who bullied a fellow classmate and stole his iPod will have to cut the grass this summer at his school. That's the punishment his school doled out. His mother had something else in mind.
Believing that her son, Montavious Lewis, needed something more severe to get the message through, Bertreice Dixon decided that an afternoon at a busy intersection spent ringing a bell and wearing a sandwich board bearing his transgressions would be more effective. The get-up also included a plastic hat with the letter "D," for dumb, a description of his actions, she says.
According to Dixon, Montavious was trying to be "tough in front of his friends" and she says she is trying to save him from going "down a road where [he's] gonna end up in prison or dead."
She insists that it is love that motivates her: "This right here is showing him how much I love him, and hopefully he'll take it into consideration and don't do it again."
18 kids: How many is too many?
Newborns, Pregnancy & birth, In the news

When Michelle Duggar, the Arkansas mother of 17, made a surprise Mother's Day announcement on the Today Show that she was pregnant with baby number 18, I was glued to the television screen in amazement.
On that day, my own two youngest children were in Arizona with my parents as I awaited the birth of our fifth child. As I rested and prepared for the new baby while they were gone, I would occasionally get anxious thinking about their return. Would I really be able to handle five kids, all under the age of eight, with the demands of a newborn nursing schedule and the sleep deprivation I knew all too well awaited me?
Seeing the 17 clean-cut and well-behaved Duggar children on television and hearing how these home-schooled kids also play the violin and the piano and participate in an elaborate routine that ensures household order, I wondered how these parents manage to stay sane, let alone organized and connected to their large brood. Was there something a soon-to-be mother of five could learn from their extreme parenting experience?
In search of answers, I Googled them. As it turns out, there were plenty of stories dating back to when their family was the relatively small size of 14. They were also the subjects of a TLC reality show so there was no shortage of information about them.
In doing my research, I was shocked by the amount of vitriolic articles and comments directed at them by people who think it is irresponsible and just plain wacky to want to have that many kids. The most hateful and vile comments came from environmental/green bloggers who deem this family's carbon footprint to be downright criminal.
Granted, 18 kids is not for everyone, but by all accounts, the Duggars are good parents who educate and take care of their own kids (arguable better than many smaller families). I'm all for being environmentally conscious, but when environmental activism places more value on a tree or a whale than on a human baby, I draw the line. Babies are a blessing and so long as the Duggars take care of theirs, who are we to scold or judge them?
As for how they do it, it seems that they run their family like a small country. They're committed to organization and there is a large degree of family loyalty. Like any good enterprise, leadership counts and these parents appear to be 100% dedicated to the sustainability of their clan. A reunion episode 20 years from now will make for a very interesting case study. Till then, I wish them all the best.
Welcome Paloma Pilar Duffy!

On Sunday, May 18th, we officially welcomed little Paloma Pilar Duffy into our family. She was 6.48 lbs and 19 inches. She was welcomed home today by pink balloons tied to the family mailbox -- courtesy of her doting daddy. I was greeted by a dozen of the most beautiful pink roses I have ever seen waiting for me on the kitchen counter. What a guy!
Paloma is already devastatingly adored by her siblings who's favorite past times have now become 1. taking turns holding her, and 2. watching her nurse. Even after five kids, I totally understand their fascination.
Thank you to everyone who sent such lovely notes and e-mails wishing me well with the delivery. I look forward to getting back to my regular blogging schedule very soon. In the meantime, I will be resting, nursing and bonding with my little angel.
From butterflies to bonding: Saying hello to child #5
Newborns, Pregnancy & birth, Baby essentials

With my due date now only one day away, I am looking forward to the labor and delivery of this baby, my fifth, with an entirely different energy and perspective.
For one, this pregnancy has been different. Physically, the last nine months have been harder than prior pregnancies. More kids to take care of, less rest, and a heavier belly due to weaker, older abdominal muscles.
On the other hand, the familiarity of it all has also made it easier. With the exception of a few splurges at an overpriced children's boutique and a new Boppy pillow cover, I haven't had to buy anything. No stressing over strollers, infant carriers, or nursery paint colors. My preparations have consisted of washing linens and baby clothes from my "newborn girl" bin in the basement and a trip to Wal-Mart for diapers and wipes.





















