Dear AdviceMama,

How do I get my teenage daughter to speak to me? She always seems to be in a bad mood, no matter what the problem may be. Even if it has nothing to do with me she takes her anger out on me. I've tried talking to her and explaining that she can't hate the world or me if things don't always go as she would like it. It doesn't seem to matter what I say, she still refuses to speak to me for a week if not a month, if she's upset about something. And she'll never tell me what she's upset about.

Signed,
Daughter Distant


Dear Daughter Distant,

Most parents believe that as their children move into adolescence, they no longer want the companionship or advice of mom and dad.

Society fuels this myth, resulting in the fact that many parents give up on having any kind of meaningful relationship with their kids once they hit their teen years. They accept the lack of eye contact, preference for friends over family, and their teen's resistance to opening up to them about the challenges they're facing.

Dear AdviceMama,

My husband and I both work long days. After work, four nights a week, I go to school so I don't come home until about 9 pm. That leaves my husband picking up the kids from school. On my day off I do any running around that's needed, cleaning that has been missed around the house and I give my husband a break from picking up the kids. Since my husband has a lot more free time than I do, how can I get him to help with the children's homework and clean up on a regular basis, and not just when I ask him?

Signed,
Help!

Dear Help,

While women tend to be instinctively good at multitasking, most men are wired to focus on one thing at a time. Rather than taking his behavior personally, and criticizing him for not doing more, acknowledge the many things he does do, and let him know the relief it brings you at the end of your busy day. Regardless of the fact that he is jointly responsible for your children and household, appreciating him for his support will go a long way toward motivating him to stretch further.

Dear AdviceMama,

My 12-year-old stepson just came to live with us for good. He has no respect for what I say. My husband and I have talked to him about how important it is for all of us to get along, but he plays his cards very well, being one person with me alone (disrespectful) and someone else when my husband (his father) is around. What should we do?

Signed,
Struggling Stepmother!

Dear Struggling,

In spite of the fact that some people might advise you to come on strong with your stepson to show him who's boss, or have your husband threaten him to behave, these are Band-Aids, not solutions. This is a problem that needs to be addressed at its root.

Dear AdviceMama,

Our daughter has 4-year-old twin boys. She is forced to raise them without any help from their father. The problem is they walk all over her and they are out of control. She doesn't seem to want to correct them ever and my wife and I feel as if it is not our place to do so either. Please help?

Signed,
Concerned Twins' Grampa


Dear Grampa,

It sounds like your daughter lives primarily in survival mode, struggling to get from breakfast to bedtime with everyone in one piece.

Raising twin boys is overwhelming for anyone. Doing it alone probably taps all of her reserves, and then some. But the fact is, if she were to regain her role in the family as what I call the Captain of the ship, her life would be much easier.

My daughter is 13 and is a really sweet girl. Her grades have been slipping after hanging out with some girls who are not necessarily bad, but are popular and when it comes to grades not very driven. I have spoken to my daughter many times about her choice of friends but with no change. Next year she is going on to high school with these same girls. How do I keep her motivated to be the student I know she can be?

She has fallen from a A/B student to a barely C student and is not too upset about it. Many children hit the wall academically in seventh and eighth grade. Where A's and B's came easily in elementary school, the workload often becomes far more challenging in middle school, requiring a much greater amount of effort to keep grades up.

While it's true that a 13-year old can be negatively influenced by her peers, friends are not the only determinant in whether she gets good grades or not.

My 17-year-old is a wonderful boy, great student -- the only issue is his messy room. Is there a way in which we can agree on him tidying up his room that will work on a regular basis? Is this even important or should we just let it go, as all teenagers are messy? When asked to do this, his reply is "I'll get to it," which never happens, then I will get upset, and it's done, and so on. Thanks!

Some of the questions I get these days are about relatively new issues: "My son won't turn off his video games," or "How can I protect my daughter from inappropriate things on the Internet." But your question is an ancient one, addressing an issue that I suspect has plagued parents forever.

Teenagers are messy. Period. Unless they have friends coming over who are worth impressing, most teens don't even see the mess their parents are complaining about. Chances are, the dirty clothes tangled in his sheets or the clutter on his floor don't even register on your son's radar.

For someone to be interested in solving a problem, they first have to have a problem. Right now, other than a nagging mom, your son doesn't have a problem when it comes to his room.

The solution? Give him a problem!

Dear AdviceMama,

My 15-year-old daughter is awful to my 13-year-old son. She is the second out of five children but only treats my third child with hate and anger. He cannot even look at her when she starts to belittle him. I am at my wits end trying to put an end to it. Should I send her to counseling?

Signed,
Siblings are Suffering

Dear Siblings are Suffering,

While sibling rivalry is commonplace, there is an ever-growing body of evidence that suggests that abusive relationships with brothers or sisters can have an even greater impact on a child than poor parenting can.

Dear AdviceMama:

My 6-year-old daughter is very well liked and is asked to a lot of playdates. We live in a relatively affluent community, but personally, my husband and I struggle financially. There are several stay-at-home moms who often want my daughter to come to their house to play with their kids, which I fully support.

My daughter loves it! I try to reciprocate as best as I can with a playdate in return. I operate a home day care at my house, so it is not really too much trouble. However, twice now on separate occasions parents have asked to take my daughter out to lunch or do an activity that costs money. It was last minute and not a luxury I could afford, but did not feel I could say no since it was as they were picking up my daughter. I don't think that the parents meant for me to pay but, as an after thought, I am not so sure I did the right thing. I know I should have offered to pay but in all honesty I do not have the cash to spare.

I hope I didn't make a terrible mistake.

Signed,
Not the Joneses

Dear AdviceMama,

My 5-year-old will get angry at me/the family and yell, "Everyone hates me!" or "Do you think I'm stupid or something?"

It's usually when things aren't going the way she plans, and yes, she may be a bit hungry or tired. But what do these words mean? You've talked about the child speaking above the neck and below the neck (not your exact words, I'm sure), but how do I know what's going on? I'll say to her, "Tell me more" or "What do you mean?" hoping I'll get a better understanding of what she means. But I don't get much.

Signed, Translate, Please!

Dear Translate,

Your question touches on a misunderstanding that many parents trip over regularly. When a child misbehaves or acts out, our first instinct is to ask them why they did what they did. If you have an especially precocious child -- one who is very talkative or verbally sophisticated -- it may seem perfectly reasonable to ask them why they hit their brother or, in your case, why she thinks that everyone hates her.

But when we ask an upset child to explain why they did something, we're really asking them to an impossible question. They don't know why.

Dear AdviceMama,

My little one is slightly overweight and is desperately in need of exercise. It's been raining a ton here lately and the highs have been in the 30's, so it's either too wet or too cold or too muddy to go out. What are some indoor exercises that we could do together that would keep her 3-year-old self interested and actually burn some calories without making her feel overworked?

Signed,
Wet, Cold and Muddy

Dear Wet, Cold and Muddy,

A 3-year-old who is overweight does of course need exercise, but I would be more concerned about what she's eating to put on the extra pounds that about tricking her into burning off calories.