ParentDish http://www.parentdish.com ParentDish http://www.parentdish.com/media/feedlogo.gif ParentDish http://www.parentdish.com en-us Copyright 2013 Weblogs, Inc. The contents of this feed are available for non-commercial use only. Blogsmith http://www.blogsmith.com/My 17-Year-Old is Addicted to Video Games!http://www.parentdish.com/2011/07/25/my-17-year-old-is-addicted-to-video-games/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/07/25/my-17-year-old-is-addicted-to-video-games/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/07/25/my-17-year-old-is-addicted-to-video-games/#commentsFiled under:



Dear AdviceMama,

Our family is trapped in video game hell. My son is 17, and the gaming is out of control. It has ruined our relationship, turning him into someone I don't even know who uses language that I can't believe is coming from him. What's more, my husband (his dad) allows it, because he is just as addicted to playing. They will sit and play games for 12-plus hours at a time, ignoring mealtimes and my requests to set a time limit.

Since we aren't in agreement, I'm trying to find a solution on my own. Forget imposing limits or taking the game away; violence begins (doors smashed, etc). I'm to the breaking point and don't even want to be in my own home anymore. I am even considering divorce. Any suggestions?

Signed,
Trapped in Video Hell

Dear Trapped,

I have worked with a number of teenage clients whose addiction to video games resemble what you're describing. What started as an innocent diversion became -- for these young men -- as addictive as drugs. When their parents attempted to manage the behavior by either limiting access or pulling the plug on the credit card that funded the game, their youngsters became frantic, violent, depressed and/or withdrawn.

In some cases, Mom or Dad caved in and removed the restrictions, but, in two families, the parents held their ground. I distinctly remember one of these teens telling me a few months later how dependent they had gotten on the exhilaration the games provided, and how it had served as a diversion from painful adolescent issues that they felt unable to face.

I've long believed that we don't understand how addictive video games can be to some people, and that we need to bring them into our homes more consciously and cautiously. For a teen who is shy, awkward, socially immature or lacking in confidence (and very few teens aren't in that category!), the power and sense of camaraderie that video games offer are compelling.

And, of course, if your son is having some semblance of "bonding time" with his dad as they play together, it can be an almost impossible habit to break.

Frankly, there are two issues in your question; one has to do with video games, and the other -- which I won't address here, but should be explored by you and your husband -- has to do with the shape your marriage is in. If your husband is playing video games non-stop whenever he's home, and has withdrawn from engaging in meals and family activities, I would urge you to seek professional counseling. The marital tension is likely to be spilling over into your son's obsession with video games, and, therefore, the advice I offer will have to include you and your husband at least attempting to heal the rift in your marriage.

As for your son, if he falls apart or becomes violent when you try to limit his gaming, it may be that he is relying on the games to mask other issues. Whether it's depression, social discomfort, anxiety or low self esteem, you'll need to determine what's fueling your son's intense fixation on the games. It's likely that he is using them to numb himself, which is why -- like someone addicted to drugs -- he no longer speaks or behaves like his usual self.

Until you help him deal with whatever challenges he's trying to sweep under the rug by distracting himself with his video games, he is not likely to be agreeable about limiting them.

I wish I had a simpler answer for you, but, frankly, the human brain loves dopamine, and the rush of pleasure and adrenalin that video games provide is intensely compelling. I strongly encourage parents to establish clear-cut guidelines for how many hours a week their youngster can play video games before buying them, and to stick to the plan without negotiating.

Not long ago, a family I worked with told me they were planning to give one of their three young sons a video game system for his birthday. I shared my view that, in some respects, they were about to introduce their kids to heroin (a strong analogy, I know). I cautioned them not to underestimate the affect the games would have on their sons -- or the potential conflict they would create over who got to use them and for how long.

They gifted the system on a Saturday, and came in for a session with me two days later, on Monday. Laughing, they told me they had already packed it up and had it ready to be returned to the store. In less than 24 hours, the behaviors they saw in their boys convinced them to get rid of the video games.

Address these issues at their root, and get professional help if necessary so you can help your son get back on track. While many kids can and do enjoy video gaming as one of their many activities, when it becomes an obsession, parents need to step in.

Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama

AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.

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]]>gamingparenting advicevideo game addictionvideo gamesSusan Stiffelman, MFTMon, 25 Jul 2011 11:30:00 ESTMy 14 Year Old is Awful to Her Younger Sister!http://www.parentdish.com/2011/07/18/my-14-year-old-is-awful-to-her-younger-sister/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/07/18/my-14-year-old-is-awful-to-her-younger-sister/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/07/18/my-14-year-old-is-awful-to-her-younger-sister/#commentsFiled under: ,




Dear AdviceMama,

My 14-year-old is always angry with her 11-year-old sister. She is also rude with me. She is very caring to others, especially little children, and is a good friend at school. It is hard for my younger daughter to watch her older sister be so kind to others and so mean to her. We don't like this new, mean teenager. We want the pre-teen back! How can I help her act with civility?

Signed,
Sick of it

Dear Sick of it,

If it's any comfort to you, there are probably thousands of parents reading your question who feel they could have written it themselves. It's painful to watch anyone treat our child unkindly, but it's doubly difficult when one of our own children is inflicting the damage. On top of that, it's awful to see what was once a cheerful youngster transform into someone unrecognizable as she or he moves into the teen years.

Adolescence isn't just tough on the person going through it; the rest of the family suffers as much or even more, as they endure moodiness and bad attitudes! Here's my advice:

Start scheduling regular family meetings, perhaps just after Sunday dinner, or on Saturday mornings before everyone heads out to their separate activities. If possible, gather in a room you don't ordinarily hang out in to create a focused atmosphere.

Begin each meeting by sharing something you appreciated during the week about each member of the family, being as specific as possible. "Sarah, I wanted you to know how relieved I was when I got home from my class on Tuesday and saw that you had already fed the dog." "Claire, it really touched me when you called Grandma, all on your own, to tell her about your audition." Take your time, elaborating with about something positive you observed them doing, and how it affected you.

Then have each of your daughters (and your partner, if you have one) do the same for everyone else. It may take time for them to sincerely offer kind words to one another (especially your older daughter) so don't criticize if they're reluctant or sarcastic.

Once you're shared what you appreciate, invite each member of the family to bring up something that has upset or hurt them during the week. Encourage everyone to use "I" statements: "I got sad when I tried to talk with you about the show you were watching and you just glared at me." Or, "When I wanted to borrow your sweater and you said 'No' in a mean way, I got really mad -- and hurt."

Try to show your girls how to express feelings in a way that avoids judging or blaming, which simply puts people on the defensive. Set a time limit so no one is allowed to ramble on and on, and don't require the listener (the one who hurt someone's feelings) to do anything other than listen respectfully.

It will be especially helpful if your daughters are able to express the hurt underneath their anger. While lectures probably won't penetrate your 14-year old's defensive shell, if she hears her younger sister authentically revealing how her unkindness is impacting her heart, she may soften.

Finally, let your girls know what specific behaviors you would like them to work on changing in the coming week. It might be that you want them to speak more politely to one another, or to lend a hand before dinner. By targeting just one shift you want them to make, you'll see more progress.

Now, I am very aware that this may not play out smoothly. Your 14-year old may roll her eyes, or think this is "lame." But try to establish to a weekly family meeting ritual, making it a safe time and place for each member of the family to listen to one another, and to feel heard.

While it's difficult to legislate "niceness" with punishments, families who work to keep the sense of connection strong tend to navigate the adolescent years with more sanity -- and more kindness.

Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama

AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.

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]]>family timeparentingparenting advicesibling rivalrySusan Stiffelman, MFTMon, 18 Jul 2011 10:30:00 ESTMom's Spanking Fuels Toddler's Aggressionhttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/07/11/moms-spanking-fuels-toddlers-aggression/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/07/11/moms-spanking-fuels-toddlers-aggression/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/07/11/moms-spanking-fuels-toddlers-aggression/#commentsFiled under: , ,




Dear AdviceMama,

I take care of twin 18-month-olds, a boy and girl. The mom has started "disciplining" them with spanks and timeouts. As a result, the girl frowns and hits -- I feel she is acting out what she sees, and trying to process it, since I don't believe an 18-month-old understands this kind of "discipline." She is also acting aggressively with her brother, which starts the whole "discipline" cycle over again. How can I help this young family find a better way to deal with the twins' growing assertiveness?

Signed,
Concerned

Dear Concerned,

Toddlers are inherently uncivilized, and need to be gently taught what is and isn't appropriate as they learn to interact with the world and with one another. But the word "discipline" actually means "to guide or instruct." True discipline isn't about punishment; it's about teaching children right from wrong with patience and understanding.

Children who are disciplined with anger and force often demonstrate the behaviors you are observing in this little girl. Kids mimic the behavior of adults; if the grownups caring for these toddlers spank or shout when their children don't do what their parents want, their youngsters will behave aggressively when another child isn't doing what they want.

Having worked with thousands of parents and children, I can say with confidence that there are alternatives to using aggression or timeouts to get children to cooperate. Kids want to please parents when they feel lovingly connected. But young kids -- especially toddlers -- have poor impulse control and find it hard to act with restraint when they're agitated or upset.

It would be helpful if the mother of your charges understood some basics about child development. Eighteen-month old children are in an enormous growth spurt as they expand their capabilities while simultaneously dealing with the constant frustration that comes from being restricted in what they can do. By managing her toddlers' encounters with the things they can't do or have, Mom will minimize those moments when frustration (her daughter's and her own) turns into aggression.

Let Mom know that you sympathize with the challenge of raising two active little ones. She'll be more open to your suggestions if she doesn't feel judged, so help her know that you're on her side, rather than criticizing her parenting style.

Ask Mom if she's seen her daughter acting out with aggression. If she hasn't, give her some examples of what you've observed. Find out if she is willing to try a different approach when her daughter's frustration turns into hitting, biting or pushing. Most parents admit to feeling badly about resorting to timeouts and spankings and would use other methods if they were effective.

Offer to work with Mom to experiment with alternatives to timeouts and spankings. One strategy is to avoid problems by making sure this little girl isn't over-stimulated, hungry or tired. Toddlers need plenty of down time, rest, good food and opportunities to experience success; a little one who's wired, worn out or constantly frustrated is more likely to turn aggressive.

Pay attention to how things are going when the children are playing, and use distraction before things get bad. By noticing when this little girl is getting fussy, you and Mom can help avoid her acts of physical aggression by giving her something else to do or engage in. Toddlers usually have very short attention spans. It should be fairly easy to shift her focus onto a snack, book, song or toy before she reaches her melting point.

Also, make sure these twins have time to play alone, so they aren't constantly having to navigate one another's moods and rhythms. You may find this little girl is more out of sorts just before a meal, or right after waking up from a nap. If that's the case, address her need for a quiet, slow wake up or a pre-lunch bite of something nutritious to help prevent her from falling apart.

If your little toddler does hurt her brother, comfort him first, and then take her aside and simply say, "Hitting isn't OK." Show her what she can do when she's mad and help her feel understood: "You wanted that toy. You wanted it. You were mad that he was playing with it." Help her cry, pout, or hit a pillow to get her mad feelings out. But, generally speaking, it is far better to prevent problems with 18-month-olds, than to punish them for impulse control that is beyond their developmental capacity.

Thank you for caring so much for your charges to have asked this question. Please watch for more on the subject of discipline in upcoming columns.

Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama

AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.

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]]>babysitterchild disciplinechildrendisciplinespankingtimeoutSusan Stiffelman, MFTMon, 11 Jul 2011 11:00:00 ESTMy Son's Tantrums Leave Me Exhausted!http://www.parentdish.com/2011/07/04/tantrums/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/07/04/tantrums/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/07/04/tantrums/#commentsFiled under: ,





Dear AdviceMama,

I have a 9-year-old son, and three and 2-year-old daughters. My son has had a temper since he was a baby. I thought his tantrums would end by 4 years, but they are getting worse. He throws tantrums for everything: He screams, stomps, cries and yells. We've tried time outs, taking things away, reward systems. They don't work. We have now resorted to yelling at him when he gets out of control. I'm beside myself because I feel I have failed him and I don't know what to do. I never envisioned having to deal with this kind of situation. What can we do?

Signed,
At Wit's End

Dear Wit's End,

I feel for you. Looking after three young children is tough already, but having one who frequently has tantrums will wear down even the saintliest parent. Here's my advice:

  • Pay attention to when your son has tantrums, and what triggers them. It may sound inconvenient, but I would urge you to get a notebook and start writing down the time of day and circumstances that set off your son's upsets. If you do this for a week or so, you're likely to find a pattern. Are his meltdowns typically in the late afternoon, after he's been at school or in a stimulating environment? Do they happen when you've been spending time with his sisters? Are they before a meal? Just before bed? By taking notes about his tantrums, you'll be better able to prevent them.
  • Once you've discovered at least some of the triggers for your son, take steps to address them. If you notice that he falls apart right before dinner, give him a protein snack half an hour earlier. If he starts to ramp up right after a birthday party, try cutting down on the sweets, or fortify him with healthy food. If you see him melting down every time you give special attention to his sister, give him what I call a Sunday Afternoon Act I, where you take him aside -- one on one -- at a relaxed time, and invite him to offload any pent up frustrations he has about his siblings.
  • Yelling at a child who's having a meltdown is understandable; your son's demands and unreasonable behavior is likely to trigger your own frustration. I'm sure you try not to shout, but in the heat of the moment, it's difficult to manage your reactions, especially when you're probably already feeling like you're spread so thin with everyone's demands. But in my counseling work, I've had great success with having parents identify the thought that triggers their anger, and looking at how its opposite might be as true -- or even truer. If you find yourself getting angry because you're thinking, "My son shouldn't demand a new toy just because his sister was given one for her birthday," try looking at how the opposite of that upsetting thought might be true: "My son should demand a new toy when his sister is given one."

Surely you can come up with reasons -- from a child's point of view -- that your son might feel slighted if he sees his sister getting a new toy, even if he rationally understands that on his birthday, his sisters don't get new things. Taking a look at what triggers your son -- from his vantage point -- will help you manage your upset, and shift to a quieter, more calming way of handling him. Here are a few turnarounds:

1. He's a normal, egocentric 6-year-old who likes new toys and doesn't care if it's not his birthday! Nothing unusual about that. He has a short fuse, and an immaturity about him that makes it difficult to express his frustration with words.
2. In the past, when he has had a tantrum about getting a new toy, he's finally been given one to quiet him down. In other words, perhaps he has learned that having meltdowns produces the results he wants.
3. He's tired, hungry or over-stimulated.
4. He needs opportunities to be gently shown how to identify and name his upsetting feelings, and guidance in expressing himself more appropriately. Simply telling an angry child to "use your words" will do nothing but fan the flames of his aggression.

If you try these ideas, you should see some improvement. Do stay tuned as I offer more advice about tantrums in future columns. It's a hot topic for parents, and one that I look forward to addressing further.

Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama

AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.

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]]>tantrumstemper tantrumsSusan Stiffelman, MFTMon, 04 Jul 2011 10:20:00 ESTWhy has 'Go the F**k to Sleep' Struck Such a Nerve With Parents?http://www.parentdish.com/2011/06/29/go-the-f-to-sleep/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/06/29/go-the-f-to-sleep/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/06/29/go-the-f-to-sleep/#commentsFiled under: , ,

go the f to sleep

Credit: Amazon

I admit, it's funny. And there's another thing I like about Adam Mansbach's "Go the F**k to Sleep": It exposes the underbelly of parenting -- that dark, secret part of us that needs a little time to ourselves when we can do grown up things -- or maybe just crawl into our own bed for some desperately needed sleep.

In the book, the author uses expletives to convince his child to release him from endless cuddles or drinks of water. Who among us hasn't visited moments (for some, every night) when our longing to escape the clutches of a sleepy child has prompted the type of sentiments Mansbach uses in his take on a children's bedtime story?

So much of parenting is done behind closed doors. We rate ourselves against the behavior of imaginary parents, falling prey to insecurities that have us convinced we're the worst of the bunch. Surely Danny's mommy and daddy never lose their patience at bedtime. They always appear so calm, so on top of things.

But, the fact is every parent reaches a breaking point, nearly weeping when, after believing little Trudy has finally dropped off to sleep, she grabs our arm as we try to make our escape, starting yet another round of, "Don't go!!!"

Raising kids is exhausting. Children are relentlessly demanding, needy and egocentric. They love us in their own precious way, but they don't really care if we're tired, or if we'd rather spend time with our spouse or a good book.

Mansbach has highlighted our need to talk openly about how tough it can be to raise children, especially at the end of a long day. Most of the parents I see for counseling are running on empty, getting significantly less sleep than bodies require. Sleep rejuvenates, nourishes and restores us not only physically, but emotionally. Chronically exhausted parents are more stressed, impatient and likely to explode and/or become abusive toward their child.

We simply need sleep to function well. If you've gotten to the point where you're thinking (or saying) "Go the f**k to sleep," it's time to create some clear bedtime rituals.

Mind you, it takes time and commitment to establish end-of-day routines that work with children. Kids love our company, and don't like being alone when they fall asleep. It's human nature to snuggle with other humans when we sleep. And, frankly, a child left alone in the dark often doesn't know what to do with his active mind, which means without your calming presence, he might end up lying there for hours, triggering those endless rounds of "Mommy, I'm scared/need to go the bathroom/have a tummy ache..."

When parents are clear about how they want bedtime to go, it's easier to implement a realistic strategy. Depending on the child's age and temperament, that might mean two stories, a 10-minute cuddle and a lava lamp to occupy an active mind while the child drifts off to sleep. Or, it could be that after your goodnight kisses, your youngster can use a headlamp to look at books until she's drowsy. Still, other children may end up sleeping in their parent's room.

I'm not defining how bedtime should look -- that's for each parent to decide. I'm simply suggesting that if a parent is committed to a plan, most children will relax into it. It's when we change our minds from one night to the next, or deliver ultimatums that we have no intention of enforcing, that children push, and the nightly craziness persists.

Mansbach opened up an important conversation about parents' need for grown up time, and for a good night's sleep of their own. Some say the book is funny, and others call it downright crass. Mostly, I'm concerned about how easily it could fall into the hands of a child; no little one should stumble across this book, geared for adults with a particular brand of humor.

But if his book is helping moms and dads feel less guilty about being imperfect, that's a good thing. Parents who feel like failures tend to take their frustrations out on their children, perpetuating a vicious cycle of anger and drama.

We all reach a point when we long for "Goodnight" to mean, "I'll see you in the morning." Bedtime rituals can go a long way toward helping reduce long, drawn out nighttime drama. So can getting our own healthy dose of sleep, exercise and grown up time. But, if all else fails, just fast forward to imagine the day when your little one is off on her own life adventure. You might just find yourself wanting to read one more bedtime story, or to hang on for a little more snuggling.

AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.

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]]>Adam MansbachbedtimeGo the F.... to SleepsleepSusan Stiffelman, MFTWed, 29 Jun 2011 11:30:00 ESTAwkward! My Daughter Refuses to Hug Her Relativeshttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/06/27/my-daughter-refuses-to-hug-her-relatives/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/06/27/my-daughter-refuses-to-hug-her-relatives/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/06/27/my-daughter-refuses-to-hug-her-relatives/#commentsFiled under: ,




Dear AdviceMama,

We're going to be visiting my extended family next month, and one of my children is very resistant to hugging her uncles. I don't want to hurt their feelings, but I don't want to force her. What should I do when my child makes it obvious that she doesn't want to hug a relative?

From,
Confused

Dear Confused,

It's never OK to force a child to hug or kiss someone if they aren't comfortable -- even if that someone is a relative or close family friend. I know this can create some embarrassing moments, but it's vital that children know their boundaries are worthy of respect. Here's my advice:

1. If your daughter seems especially awkward around a particular relative, make sure her resistance isn't based on any inappropriate behavior that may have taken place between her and that relative. Gently ask if her uncles have ever done anything to make her ill at ease. "I notice you don't seem to want to hug Uncle Joe or Uncle Eddie. Have they ever done anything that made you feel yucky or uncomfortable, sweetheart?" Listen in a relaxed way, without making her feel she's being interrogated or about to get into trouble.

2. If you're sure nothing inappropriate is causing your child to resist hugging her uncles, ask her what she doesn't like about hugging them. Do they hug too tightly? Have bad breath or a scratchy beard? Listen to whatever reasons your child might share, and resist the urge to immediately tell your daughter why she should hug Uncle So and So. She needs to know from you that her sensibilities matter.

3. Talk with your brothers-in-law and explain that your daughter finally revealed her reasons for avoiding their affection: "Daisy told me she doesn't like long hugs" or "She confessed that she gets tickled by your beard and doesn't like that feeling." Suggest that she might be more likely to show her affectionate side with them if they try offering a shoulder squeeze, or tousling her hair instead of coming at her with arms stretched wide for a big bear hug.

The best way to empower children to not be a target for inappropriate or abusive behavior by an adult is to teach them to pay attention to their inner voice about what is and isn't OK, and to honor and respect their boundaries.

A wonderful book on this subject is Gavin de Becker's, "Protecting the Gift," in which he makes the case -- strongly -- for encouraging children to trust their instincts. If you know Uncle Joe is harmless but has a vice-grip of a hug, let him know that if he backs off, your child may greet him more warmly. But don't force your daughter to endure an unwelcome touch. It is never in her best interest to be told to ignore what feels OK to her, no matter how awkward it may make things.

Learning to establish boundaries for herself is a skill that will help your daughter throughout her life. Support her, and look for other ways to facilitate a warm greeting with her uncles -- perhaps a secret handshake or a funny dance -- that acknowledges their important role in her life, without compromising her sense of self.

Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama

AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.

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]]>relativesshy kidsSusan Stiffelman, MFTMon, 27 Jun 2011 10:30:00 ESTA Conversation With Jennifer Garner on Save the Children With AdviceMamahttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/06/21/jennifer-garner-save-the-children/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/06/21/jennifer-garner-save-the-children/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/06/21/jennifer-garner-save-the-children/#commentsFiled under: ,

jennifer garner save the children

Jennifer Garner picks veggies with kids to kick off Frigidaire's Kids' Cooking Academy Summer Session in support of Save the Children. Credit: Dimitrios Kambouris, Getty Images for Frigidaire

As ParentDish's AdviceMama, I'm privileged to hear from parents around the world who are trying to do their best for their children. Whether the question is about getting a son to try harder on his homework, or helping a daughter handle problems with friends, I am touched by how dedicated our readers are to helping their children thrive and succeed in life.

For some children, however, these kinds of issues are secondary to more pressing challenges. In the United States, one out of six children lives in poverty. Save the Children is an organization that is taking practical steps to address the needs of children in these disadvantaged situations.

Recently, I spoke with actress Jennifer Garner, the artistic ambassador for Save the Children, as well as a passionate advocate of helping ensure all children are given the head start in life they deserve. I came away from our conversation with a painful awareness of the gap between children growing up in middle classes and those living below the poverty line. But I also felt hopeful, and inspired to do more -- especially with the many opportunities available for us to help close that gap.

As we began talking, Garner told me when a child grows up in poverty, by the time he or she is 4 years old, the child is developmentally 18 months behind. And, statistics show, children who are not kindergarten-ready are unlikely to graduate from high school.

"We all love our kids and we all want to do a good job," Garner says. "It doesn't take money to be a good mother, but it does take someone showing you what to do. We simply aren't born with that knowledge."

Garner says she understands that early childhood education isn't about trying to teach preschoolers how to read.

"The brain has to learn how to learn," she says. "These children may not even know what letters are; they may have never even held a book."

U.S. Senators Bob Casey (D-Pa.) and Barbara Mikulski (D-Md.) recently introduced a bill that would increase funding of early childhood education to include a year of pre-kindergarten across the country.

"For every $1 we invest in high-quality early childhood development programs, our society sees a return of $16," Mikulski, chairwoman of the HELP Subcommittee on Children and Families, says in a press release announcing the legislation.

Garner tells me that if we can increase money distributed to early childhood education on the federal and state levels -- as well as through corporations such as Frigidaire, who participate in a fundraising efforts for Save the Children -- we can reach kids from birth to break the cycle of poverty through education.

Gowalla, a mobile phone application, offers yet another way to participate: When you visit your local farmer's market, simply check in through the app and Frigidaire will donate a dollar toward its $500,000 commitment to Save the Children.

Finally, you can sponsor a child at Savethechildren.org and keep track of how your small contribution is making a practical difference in the life of the child you're helping.

As Garner put it, you'll see pictures of "your" child -- often from a town not far from your own -- and realize how much he or she looks like your own son or daughter.

"It makes the problem -- and the solution -- real and human," she says.

AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.

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]]>frigidairejennifer garnerSave the ChildrenSusan Stiffelman, MFTTue, 21 Jun 2011 10:30:00 ESTMy Daughter is Super Sensitive and Gets Her Feelings Hurt Easily! What Can I Do?http://www.parentdish.com/2011/06/20/my-daughter-is-super-sensitive/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/06/20/my-daughter-is-super-sensitive/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/06/20/my-daughter-is-super-sensitive/#commentsFiled under: ,



Dear AdviceMama,

My daughter is extremely sensitive and gets her feelings hurt easily. I have tried to explain to her that she shouldn't take everything so personally but it doesn't help. What can I do?

Signed,
Walking on Eggshells

Dear Mom,

In her wonderful book, "The Highly Sensitive Child," Elaine Aron talks about the fact that in every animal population 15 to 20 percent of the group fall on the impulsive side of the spectrum, and 15 to 20 percent on the sensitive side. Once again, in her great wisdom, Mother Nature has orchestrated her creation so that some members of our "pack" will be fearless enough to venture forth out into the larger world, while others are cautious enough to pay attention to subtle warning signs that might lead to dangerous situations.

It's easier to be born with a nature that falls somewhere in the middle. Parents of children whose temperament is impulsive worry constantly about what kind of trouble the reckless behavior of their youngins' might get them into.

And as you well know, children who are highly sensitive face the challenge of simply coping with all the noise and commotion in our increasingly stimulating world. These youngsters tend toward shyness, meltdowns and/or a rigidity about what they they can and cannot comfortably do that create restrictions that drive parents a little crazy at times.

But just like hair color or height, children are born with the temperament they are born with, and the more parents try to force their kids to be different than their essential nature, the more problems they create.

Here's my advice on dealing with a sensitive child:

1. Rule out any trauma that might make an otherwise thick-skinned child suddenly sensitive, anxious or unstable. As I've said, a traditionally sensitive child is born with that temperament, but there are times when a child suffers an emotional blow and takes on extremely sensitive, insecure characteristics. If your otherwise resilient child is suddenly sensitive, find out what might have happened to cause her to be so thin-skinned, reactive or fearful. It may be worth exploring this with a professional, if you suspect she has experienced significant trauma.

2. Avoid being overly indulgent or overprotective. Some children become sensitive because they've been raised to expect people to give them whatever they want, which means they don't know how to handle frustration or disappointment. Don't reward her for being hypersensitive by fussing over her or giving in when she's not getting her way.

3. If she's not using the sensitivity as a manipulation, be gentle with your daughter. Children who are among that 15 to 20 percent on the sensitive end of the temperament scale have thinner filters; lights are brighter, sounds are louder and looks or comments that might go unnoticed by other children can hurt deeply. In other words, don't make her feel ashamed for being who she is, or tell her to simply lighten up.

4. Teach her cognitive tools for dealing with the behaviors in others that trigger her hurt feelings. I use something called ABC thinking that helps children identify what happened that caused then to feel hurt, and step back to see how their interpretation of an incident might be completely wrong.

Highly sensitive children find it harder to handle life's ups and downs. Be gentle with your daughter while helping her learn cognitive tools that she can use when she jumps to conclusions about life events or social interactions that leave her feeling victimized or overwhelmed.

And make sure that you highlight the many wonderful qualities -- including thoughtfulness and caring -- that your highly sensitive child brings to your world.

Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama

AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.

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]]>hurt feelingssensitive childSusan Stiffelman, MFTMon, 20 Jun 2011 10:00:00 ESTMy Kids Fight All the Time! How Do I Stop Sibling Rivalry?http://www.parentdish.com/2011/06/13/stop-sibling-rivalry/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/06/13/stop-sibling-rivalry/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/06/13/stop-sibling-rivalry/#commentsFiled under: , , ,


Dear AdviceMama,

What can I do about my children's sibling rivalry? They fight all the time!

Signed,
Exasperated Mom


Dear Exasperated,

It's natural for children to feel frustrated when big sister takes the last cookie, or little brother touches their "stuff." Not only do brothers and sisters compete with one another for a parent's attention, they sometimes simply argue out of habit. But when siblings cannot negotiate disagreements without hurting one another -- either physically or emotionally -- parents need to take action. Here's my advice:

1. Establish expectations for behavior so your children clearly know what you will and will not allow. I like the phrase, "Our home is a non-violent home," delivered with authority. While you should explain to your children that it's perfectly normal and OK to be angry, it is not OK to strike out with hurtful behavior or words. And make sure you're sticking to the standards, as well.

2. Try to address the root cause of hurtful remarks. A child who consistently taunts his brother or sister is a) feeling chronically frustrated and misunderstood; b) shaking loose difficult feelings from other situations (like the school playground); or c) "paying back" a sibling for hurting him.

Choose a time when you can give each of your children your undivided attention, and ask leading questions such as, "I notice it's been hard for you to resist hitting your brother when he comes into your room without asking. Tell me what makes you so mad when he does that..." Avoid interrupting with threats or lectures. By listening with care, you may be able to address the underlying causes of your siblings' frustrations with one another.

3. Schedule regular family meetings where each member gets to feel heard as they offload annoying issues that fuel discord. Insist that everyone first share something positive about each family member, and then make time for them to voice a complaint or make a request. Allow whoever's talking to have the stage -- some families use a talking stick -- so they get the sense that no matter how old or young, everyone in your family gets to be heard. By teaching your children that they have the right to respectfully make reasonable requests of one another, you will lessen their reliance on verbal or physical aggression to get their needs met.

4. Try not to turn on what I call "Mom TV" when your kids fight. Sometimes bickering happens simply because children are bored, or they want to stir things up and get some drama going with mom. While my approach generally focuses on preventing problems, if your kids are bickering and won't try to work things out, separate them without a lot of discussion until they've cooled down. In other words, don't make your own dramatic reaction a payoff for their misbehavior.

Sibling rivalry is a serious issue, and needs to be managed by cool, calm parenting. By addressing underlying causes, establishing clear guidelines for how to handle disagreements and making sure your children have a chance to feel heard about their upsets, you can minimize the bickering, and establish a more peaceful home.

Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama

AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.

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]]>Sibling RivalrySusan Stiffelman, MFTMon, 13 Jun 2011 10:00:00 ESTHow Can I Get My Child to Sleep in His Own Bed?http://www.parentdish.com/2011/06/06/how-can-i-get-my-child-to-sleep-in-his-own-bed/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/06/06/how-can-i-get-my-child-to-sleep-in-his-own-bed/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/06/06/how-can-i-get-my-child-to-sleep-in-his-own-bed/#commentsFiled under: , ,



Dear AdviceMama,

I am the mother of three children. Our youngest refuses to sleep alone in his own bed. We have tried lying down with him until he falls asleep or letting him lie in our bed until he falls asleep, but as soon as we move or try to move him, he wakes up and the whole process starts all over. I feel like we have tried everything! I'm hoping you have some advice for us.

Signed,
Sleepy Mom

Dear Sleepy Mom,

This is one of the most common questions I'm asked, and probably because a disrupted sleep affects children (and their parents) so significantly. There's nothing quite as rejuvenating as going to bed peacefully and sleeping undisturbed through the night. A child who either can't fall asleep easily, or who requires parents to stay for extended periods of time is affecting their own sleep, as well as their weary parents'.

Get clear. This situation is made worse by sending mixed messages to your child. Do you lecture him about how he has to sleep in his own room, only to cave in when you're tired, tucking him into your bed as you give up ... "just for tonight"? Do you sometimes scold him for creeping into your bedroom in the middle of the night, and other times sweetly make room for him to join you?

Until and unless you're very clear about what you and your husband want your son to do, he's going to push to get what feels best to him. Remember, children are egocentric. As much as you're little boy loves you, he isn't thinking about how tired you might be as you lie there waiting for him to finally fall asleep; he's focused on what feels best to him.

So don't expect your child to recognize how sleepy you are and tell you to go off to bed. He -- like most children -- prefers your company as he falls asleep. It's normal; humans have been co-sleeping for thousands of years. I'm not telling you to sleep with him, but I am suggesting that you'll need to be crystal clear that the goal is to help him go to sleep in his own bed and stay there before you try the new strategies I will offer you.

If you're certain that you do not want your son to sleep in your room, choose a relaxed time -- not before bedtime -- when you explain the new bedtime plan. Give him the chance to be upset, scared or sad, and help him offload his feelings without trying to convince him of how much he's going to love sleeping alone! He probably isn't, at least at first. So let him express his anger, fear or tears about the fact that you've decided that he cannot sleep in your room anymore.

Proceed in stages. Think of the process as weaning, rather than a cold turkey, all-at-once experience of making him stay in his room. Focus on helping him go to sleep in his own room, rather than moving him after he's fallen asleep in yours (which clearly doesn't work).

Offer distractions. First, give him something interesting to look at or listen to so he doesn't feel bored and alone in the dark. Quiet music, audio books or a projector that shows stars moving across the ceiling can help distract a sleepy child.

Address fears. Charlotte Reznick, author of "The Power of Your Child's Imagination," suggests that if your child is fearful of sleeping in his own bed, engage his imagination for protection. One 9-year-old, initially terrified of break-ins even with a working alarm system, created an enormous white dragon to wrap around her bed and added a tiger at the door (just in case...). It helped her feel safe enough to allow her eyes to close and her body to relax into sleep."

Move across the room. Lie beside your son silently for a while, and then sit across the room from him while you listen to your iPod or read with your itty bitty light without engaging in any conversation. Let him know that, for a while, you're going to stay nearby until he falls asleep, but only to help him get used to being alone. Let him know if he tries to get you to talk, you will go out of the room. (But give him a reminder or two, as this will take some getting used to.)

After a week or so, start leaving for two to three minutes to "go to the bathroom," and be sure to return as promised. This will help him develop greater tolerance for your absence, without causing him to panic.

Usually within a couple of weeks of sticking closely to these guidelines, the parents I have worked with find that their children adjust to sleeping alone. Give it a try, and let me know how it works! And sweet dreams!

Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama

AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.

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]]>child sleepchild to sleep in own bedsleep in own bedsleeping in own bedSusan Stiffelman, MFTMon, 06 Jun 2011 11:00:00 ESTMy Little One Was So Excited About Being a Big Brother ... But Not Anymore!http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/30/advice-mama-sibling-rivalry/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/30/advice-mama-sibling-rivalry/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/30/advice-mama-sibling-rivalry/#commentsFiled under: ,





Dear AdviceMama,

During my pregnancy, my 3-year old could not have been more excited about having a little brother or sister. He told everyone he was going to be a big brother and couldn't wait for "his" little baby to be born. He was OK for the first few weeks, but now he is misbehaving in ways he never did before, having meltdowns at home and even at preschool -- a place he loves. What should I do?

From,
Pregnant

Dear Pregnant,

Ah, the proverbial Before and After Baby predicament. Welcome to a club with millions of members!

Your 3-year old is "saying" -- with his behavior -- what he lacks the words to express. And, truth be told, even if he had the words -- "I'm jealous of the baby..." or "I don't like seeing you kiss her..." -- it wouldn't repair the "ouch" in his little heart.

It certainly doesn't mean he won't get over his negative feelings and thoroughly love his little sister, but it does mean that, in a way, your little boy is grieving. He is going through many losses, and just needs some extra help to get through them.

When parents bring a newborn home, they are, for all intents and purposes, in an altered state. The first baby is a complete game-changer. We go from individuals with our own needs, wants, rhythms and moods to hardly recognizable versions of ourselves who would literally take a bullet or stop a train for this 7- or 8-pound bundle in our arms.

We sort of go crazy -- in a good way! -- as we instantaneously transform into parents, spurred on by hormones that seem to reconfigure who we are on a cellular level. Nothing will ever be the same -- ever -- when we first become parents.

When the second child arrives, that transformation has taken place, so at least we have a head start in terms of having some idea of what it means to care for a baby. Even though each child has their own temperament and personality, we've usually mastered the basics.

But what we can't be prepared for is the fact that we have now brought home to our first child a competitor for our love, time and attention. I realize we don't think of it that way (it sounds fairly awful), and it most definitely isn't what adding to our family is all about. But the initial impact on a child when a new sibling is brought into the picture is pretty much that his parents will be less "his."

A 3-year old is already in the midst of an attachment stage referred to by Gordon Neufeld as "Belonging or Loyalty," which has a possessive quality to it. In your son's eyes, you are his. Having a baby messes with his love affair with you, which had placed him exclusively on the stage of your heart.

Be patient with your son, and help him cry whenever he's upset. He needs to offload the swirling mixture of feelings he's trying to sort out. No doubt he is excited about having a baby sister, and will fall in love with her. But, for now, take advantage of the times he's frustrated about anything -- not getting the last piece of cake, or having to go to the store with Grandma when he wanted to be stay home with Mommy.

Don't try to explain why he shouldn't be frustrated when he is, or why he should love the baby when he doesn't. Avoid reminding him that he was excited about his sister before she came; that was before he knew what it meant to have her there every day!

Of course, it will help if you include him in big brother tasks that help him feel good about his new sister's presence in the family, such as helping you change her, or carrying the diaper bag for you. And, naturally, you'll want to give him as much one on one attention as you can so he gets nourished by your special love.

But ultimately, your little boy needs to be held, cuddled and gently guided through the maze of challenging emotions as he adjusts to the new look of your family. Give him room to let his difficult feelings bubble up and be tenderly understood, and he'll come around.

Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama

AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.

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]]>big brothersibling rivalrySusan Stiffelman, MFTMon, 30 May 2011 11:00:00 ESTMy Preschooler's Whining Is Making Me Crazy!http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/23/my-preschoolers-whining-drives-me-crazy/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/23/my-preschoolers-whining-drives-me-crazy/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/23/my-preschoolers-whining-drives-me-crazy/#commentsFiled under: ,


Dear AdviceMama,

I have a 4-year-old son. What do you recommend when he whines? It drives me crazy, but when I try to get him to stop, he just does it more!

Signed,
Driven Crazy Mom

Dear Driven Crazy Mom,

I feel for you. While parents find many behaviors annoying -- such as hitting or talking back- - there's something about whining that gets under our skin like nothing else can. A child's plaintive, repetitive whimpers can make even the most easy-going parents lose their patience. Here's my advice:

I have a section in my book -- "If Whining is the Answer, What is the Question?" -- where I explore this issue the way you might on "Jeopardy." To put an end to whining, you have to figure out how it is serving the child, and address that need -- or "question" -- in a healthier way.

I recently worked with Lydia*, whose 5-year old, Daisy*, was a chronic whiner. When I watched the two interacting in my office, I saw right away how their dynamic made whining a logical behavior choice for this little girl.

As Lydia and I spoke, Daisy told her mother she was bored. Mom responded by saying she had warned her we'd be talking for a while, and had suggested her daughter bring a few of her favorite toys, which Daisy had refused to do.

Daisy -- a shy little girl -- didn't know what to do with herself, and didn't yet feel comfortable asking to play with the many toys in my office. The easiest "fix" was her mother's attention, and she knew from experience how to get it. She whimpered, flopped on the floor and repeatedly invoked her mommy's name with a desperate moan.

Lydia found it impossible to resist. She scolded Daisy, threatened to withdraw her offer of a trip to the park, and told the little girl her whining was "driving me crazy!"

In other words, Daisy's whining got her the thing she needed: her mother's undivided, focused attention.

Now, the truth is, that isn't exactly what Daisy wanted. What she really wanted was something interesting to do, and she felt too timid to explore the fun things in my office (as she would eventually do with great enthusiasm.) The whining gave Daisy a bit of temporary relief from her feelings of restlessness.

I asked Mom to look for the root of her daughter's behavior so she could understand why it made perfect sense that Daisy had gotten into the habit of whining to get her needs met. I also encouraged her to make sure she didn't reward her daughter by giving her attention -- even negative attention -- when Daisy persisted in demanding it.

I invited Lydia to give me specific reasons that would explain or justify Daisy's whining. She admitted that Daisy tended to whine when she was unstimulated. With nothing to engage her curious mind and a temperament that made her uncomfortable exploring new environments on her own, she whined to find relief from her boredom.

While I don't think parents should establish themselves as their child's source of non-stop fun, Daisy was going to be in a new place (my office) where her mom would be distracted by conversation with a strange lady, leaving the girl to wiggle and squirm. It was a foreseeable problem Mom could have prevented by better planning. I suggested Lydia be more pro-active, bringing along toys in novel situations so her daughter would have something to do until she felt brave enough to explore a new environment her own.

When I asked Lydia to think about any patterns to her daughter's whining-time of day, circumstance or setting, she said one predictable time was about a half an hour before dinner, when Daisy claimed she was "starving." I suggested Lydia give her daughter a protein snack to tide her over, rather than rigidly ignoring her hunger by making her wait till Daddy got home. I also encouraged her to involve her daughter in dinner-making to give her a healthier way to engage with Mommy.

Rather than looking for ways to punish your children for whining, uncover for the payoff they get and address it before they resort to misbehavior to get their needs met. Be the captain of the ship who steers clear of rough waters, rather than scrambles to cope with problems once his ship is in the middle of the storm.

If whining is the answer, look for the question or the child's need, address it in advance and things will undoubtedly improve.

Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama

* Not their real names

AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.

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]]>parenting advicewhiningSusan Stiffelman, MFTMon, 23 May 2011 10:30:00 ESTMy Teen's Grades are Dropping and College is Around the Corner!http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/16/my-teens-grades-are-dropping-and-college-is-around-the-corner/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/16/my-teens-grades-are-dropping-and-college-is-around-the-corner/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/16/my-teens-grades-are-dropping-and-college-is-around-the-corner/#commentsFiled under: ,



Dear AdviceMama,

My teenage son's grades have been going downhill all year. His last report card was all Ds, a few Cs and one A. The main reason seems to be that he doesn't study enough and has been missing assignments. If I say anything to him he tells me that he's trying and I need to get off his back. He's actually a very smart kid and he's really hurting himself because he does want to go to college. Can you give me some advice?

Signed,
Dragging Uphill

Dear Dragging Uphill,

I have seen this situation many times in my private practice, and watched parents debate whether to intervene when a teen stops making effort in school, or leave him to suffer the consequences of his actions.

It is my belief that many teens lack the ability to envision a long-term picture of their lives that would allow them to make a connection between not turning in homework today, and the resulting impact on their ability to get into college in a year or two.

When parents stop encouraging their teens to see the value in working hard in school, they are not serving them. I've spoken with many discouraged young adults whose parents gave up on helping them buckle down with their schoolwork -- resulting in diminished academic or job opportunities.

So, don't turn a blind eye to your son's poor academic performance. Instead, help him know that you're on his side. Acknowledge that you understand that he doesn't enjoy doing his homework, and that you can relate to how difficult it can be to put aside things that are immediately gratifying in order to work on school assignments that aren't much fun.

Help him better experience the payoff for doing his work. One reason kids start sliding downhill academically is that they don't see any immediate benefit. In other words, while there is a carrot at the end of the stick -- college -- the stick is so long that for all practical purposes, your son can't see the carrot!

Take him to one or two college campuses and let him walk around, visit the student union or sit in on classes to make college real, and make a connection between the effort he makes on schoolwork today, and a tangible reward in the near future. Buy something at the bookstore with his favorite school's logo that he can display in his room as a reminder of where he's headed.

I would also suggest you rule out any learning challenges that might be making it difficult for him to handle the workload. Many times, a teen appears to be unmotivated when, in fact, he's drowning academically but doesn't want to ask for help.

Is his reading up to par? He could have 20/20 vision, but still need a workup with a developmental optometrist to make sure his eyes are tracking together. Does he have focusing and attention problems? It may be that he needs strategies for getting started on assignments to "kick start" his brain when the subject matter is inherently uninteresting to him.

You might also consider reducing Internet, video games and television time, so that your son has fewer things to distract him from doing his work. Some kids need more structure than others, and it may be that you'll have to limit the diversions available to your son that are causing him to avoid tackling his schoolwork.

It may be helpful to hire a college kid to work with your teen for a few hours a week. While your son may be resistant to your help with homework, he may benefit from the influence of a serious college student who can help fire up his motivation, and mentor him toward better study habits.

When you come at an adolescent with unwanted advice, there's a very good chance that it will not be acted upon. Kids are hard-wired to resist our input, especially when it's delivered with judgment, shaming or long lectures.

Come alongside your son with support, and help him onto a better track by following these tips. He'll thank you when he's a little further down the road, if all goes well!

Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama

AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.

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]]>bad gradescollege admissionsparenting adviceteen collegeSusan Stiffelman, MFTMon, 16 May 2011 11:00:00 ESTMy Son Confessed That He's Tried Pot! Should I Punish Him?http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/09/my-son-confessed-that-hes-tried-pot-should-i-punish-him/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/09/my-son-confessed-that-hes-tried-pot-should-i-punish-him/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/09/my-son-confessed-that-hes-tried-pot-should-i-punish-him/#commentsFiled under: ,




Dear AdviceMama,

My 15-year old son just admitted to me he tried marijuana over the summer. I have no idea how to handle this. I talked to him about drug use, making good choices, my disappointment in him, etc., but do I punish him? How should I punish him? I want him to be open and honest with me, but not sure what else I should be doing except talking to him. Please help.

Signed,
Weeding through my options

Dear Mom,

Yours is one of the most common questions asked by parents of teens: What should I do when I discover that my youngster has experimented with drugs or alcohol? I wish the answer were simple; it isn't. But I will try to touch on a few ways you might generally approach the situation, while asking you to keep in mind that, for kids who are in serious trouble -- depression, family history of drug or alcohol abuse, promiscuity, family crisis -- I would point you toward seeking professional help.

Most kids in today's society are going to be offered the opportunity to try alcohol and marijuana, probably many times. These substances are so much a part of adolescent life that it would take extreme isolation to prevent your teen from being exposed to them.

Some parents take the view that all kids will experiment with at least marijuana and alcohol, and that there's nothing much to do about it, other than hope it doesn't become a significant part of their youngster's life. Perhaps these parents use substances themselves, and don't see them as harmful. Others will go as far as to tell their teens that if they want to drink or smoke pot, they should do it at home, believing that it's "good parenting" to have their child -- and his friends -- imbibing under their roof, rather than out and about.

But while it's almost inevitable that our kids will be offered the chance to try illegal substances, it is not in their best interests for parents to simply look the other way. Teens still need parents to help them make good choices; acting like it's no big deal can send a confusing message to a youngster who might not want to drink every weekend, but may not know how to handle the peer pressure to do so.

The other side of this is that if your teen is terrified of your reaction if you discover he's been experimenting with pot or alcohol, he may not tell you about it. Punishing your son for experimenting with marijuana may simply encourage him to become better at hiding it from you.

If there is no significant history of alcoholism or addiction in your family tree, and you're confident your son is generally happy and doing well (rather than depressed, increasingly angry or withdrawn or in the midst of a life crisis), your best approach is to keep communication open.

Ask him how it felt when he smoked pot, and if it was something he was tempted to do more. If he admits he liked it a lot, talk to him about why drugs and alcohol make people feel better. Explain the way the brain works, and the impact these substances can have on lowering inhibition or lifting mood -- temporarily.

Ask him if he'd be willing to listen to your concerns. Explain that while you understand "everyone" may be doing it, you know that, for many kids, the stress relief they experience while under the influence of pot or alcohol can quickly become at least psychologically addicting, and that there are better -- and healthier -- ways of handling social anxiety and pressures. Talk about the impact these substances have on the brain; there are some great scans at brainplace.com.

Most of all, make sure your son knows he can talk with you openly. If you start to sense that his use has escalated beyond normal experimentation, do not hesitate to set guidelines that send him a clear message that it is not OK. At 15, his brain is still in a vulnerable and formative stage, and it is your responsibility to help him make sound decisions that preserve his health and safety.

Finally, take a look at how your son sees you unwinding at the end of the day, or when you socialize. If you have a cocktail the minute you walk in the door after work, or a six-pack when friends come over, you're "teaching" him that people need a substance to unwind or enjoy themselves. Show him you can enjoy life without leaning on something to make you relax or numb out, and you'll be sending the strongest message possible that he can do the same.

Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama

AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.

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]]>drug usemarijuanateen drug useSusan Stiffelman, MFTMon, 09 May 2011 12:00:00 ESTHow Can I Get My Teenage Son to Open Up?http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/02/how-can-i-get-my-teenage-son-to-open-up/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/02/how-can-i-get-my-teenage-son-to-open-up/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/02/how-can-i-get-my-teenage-son-to-open-up/#commentsFiled under:



Dear AdviceMama,

My son isn't interested in sharing a lot of what he is feeling and he becomes annoyed when I try to talk to him. We seem to be managing all right, but I know things must eat him up inside every day, and it sometimes comes out in explosive anger if we have a fight. How can I get him to open up?

Signed,
Mom who misses son

Dear Mom,

The best way to encourage a teen to open up is to "teach" him that it is safe to do so. Many of us react to the things our kids tell us by becoming angry or threatening, giving unwanted advice or overwhelming them with questions.

When we do this, our kids learn that, despite their desire to lean on us as a trusted confidante and guide -- which they need, it's best to keep things to themselves. Even worse, they may end up confiding in their friends about their problems, which is like the blind leading the blind.

Our teens do need us to be a sounding board for them, but we have to be careful not to scare them off with our reactions when they begin to open up to us.

Chances are, your son "tests" you from time to time by sharing a tidbit about his day, or a piece of news about something he's heard. Depending on how you react, he may tell you more -- or shut down and walk away.

It's not easy to keep your thoughts and suggestions to yourself when he opens up, but it is in your best interest to keep him talking by simply saying, "Oh," "Really?" or whatever signals him that you're listening and capable of hearing more.

I'm not saying you won't eventually weigh in with advice or input, but it's important to give your son a chance to offload some of what he has to say -- without interruption -- before you jump in. You may even prime the pump by asking him what he thinks about things, whether it's related to politics, movies or music.

The more you're able to show him you can respect what he has to say, the more your son will discover that it's safe to confide in you.

Finally, ask your son to tell you what he needs if he brings up a sensitive subject. If you let him know you're willing to weigh in with advice, or simply listen if that's what he wants, he'll be more relaxed about saying more.

Your son's explosiveness may indeed be a result of bottling up big feelings. If that is the case, then these suggestions may help you provide him with a safe way to avoid penting up his feelings by sharing them -- tentatively, at first -- with you. It also may help to connect him with a trustworthy male mentor; teenage boys often have things going on in their lives that are simply too awkward to discuss with their mother.

If his temper becomes a serious problem, though, please consider finding professional help. While occasional outbursts are normal in adolescence with hormone fluctuations combining with school and social stressors, if your son's only way of expressing emotions is to rage, it is important to provide him with additional strategies for coping with life's inevitable frustrations and disappointments.

Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama

AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.

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]]>talking with your kidsteen angstteen boysteenage boysSusan Stiffelman, MFTMon, 02 May 2011 12:00:00 ESTComputer and Video Games Make My Boys Forget Homework and Even Dinner!http://www.parentdish.com/2011/04/25/computer-and-video-games/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/04/25/computer-and-video-games/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/04/25/computer-and-video-games/#commentsFiled under: , ,


Dear AdviceMama,

Once my sons are on the computer or video game, I can't get them to come to dinner or do their homework. They say they aren't hungry, or that they have to use the computer to do their homework. What can I do?

Signed,
Tech's Taken Over

Dear Tech,

I often equate the adrenalin rush and enjoyment of video games (or their close cousins, the computer and Internet) to a heroin drip. Dramatic, I know. But despite the many wonderful things that technology has given us, there are addictive elements to it that are causing profound disconnection in families. Here's my advice:

o. You may not like hearing it, but the solution to this problem begins with you, the parents. If your kids see you glued to your BlackBerry or iPad, they will think it's OK to mimic your behavior. Are they watching you engage in conversation without stealing a side glance at your smartphone? Do you take time to play music or read, or are you on your computer at every spare moment? I often say, "Live like your kids are watching ... because they are." Take an honest look at how hooked in you've become to your devices, and take steps to unplug.

o. Schedule a family meeting and tell your kids that if you have to call them more than twice for dinner, or argue about starting homework, the next day they won't be allowed to use whatever device made them late. Create guidelines that you're willing to stick to (that means no negotiations) and be prepared for tears.

o. Have a family "Unplugged" night once a week where no one uses their devices after 6 or 7 p.m. (This means any computer-related homework need to be finished early.) Have leisurely dinners with extended conversations. Play board games with your kids. Listen to them share their hopes, dreams or the mundane matters of their day. Or just curl up in the living room with books, reading aloud now and again. It sounds terribly old-fashioned, but one of the best ways to teach kids to become less device-dependent is to promote family activities that don't require electricity.

Don't be afraid to pull the plug on video games or computers if your kids get so hooked that they don't know how to hit the "off" button when it's time for dinner or homework. It's OK for kids to be upset (they probably will be), but it's better than having them forget how to live life unplugged. Most of all, model a healthy balance in your own lives with technology, while you create rituals that teach your kids that there are ways to have fun without being plugged in.

Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama

AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.

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]]>computersparenting advicevideo gamesSusan Stiffelman, MFTMon, 25 Apr 2011 11:00:00 ESTDoes It Have to Be a Chore to Get My Daughter to Do Chores?http://www.parentdish.com/2011/04/18/getting-kids-to-do-chores/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/04/18/getting-kids-to-do-chores/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/04/18/getting-kids-to-do-chores/#commentsFiled under: , ,

Dear AdviceMama,

How do I get my 7-year old daughter to stop trying to get out of chores? I have tried everything except spanking. I do not believe in physical punishment at all for any reason. Thanks.

Signed,
Wanting Help!

Dear Wanting,

Having just finished up tax season, allow me to ask you a question: Did you start working on your taxes well in advance, or was there a bit of procrastination involved?

Did you work on your taxes with enthusiasm, or did you put off the task as long as possible, choosing to watch a good movie or chat with a friend instead of organizing your paperwork?

In other words, did you avoid doing your taxes for as long as possible so you could do things that were more ... fun?

Unless you're a passionate accountant or a lover of numbers, it's likely that when faced with something unpleasant, such as tax preparation, you find yourself struggling to motivate yourself to get to work. Similarly, when your daughter is presented with the option of cleaning her room or playing with her toys, chances are she'll choose playing with those toys.

Just as adults tend to put off unpleasant tasks, most children don't like chores and will do whatever they can to squirm out of having to do them. While there are ways to make them a bit more fun, it's wise to recognize that your child isn't naughty for not wanting to do chores; she's normal.

If you scold or lecture your daughter in an effort to convince her that she should care about tidying up the bathroom or sweeping the patio, you're not likely to get a cheerful response. Similarly, if you use sarcasm or a voice full of criticism, it's unlikely that she'll want to be helpful. You can resort to bribes or threats, of course, but there are better ways. Here are a few suggestions:

  • Write 10 things that need to be done onto slips of paper and drop them into a hat. When it's chore time, invite her to reach into the hat to find out what she's responsible for doing this week.
  • Creating rituals is important; in my house chore-time was Saturday morning; by the time my son was 16, he had two hours of chores to take care of before he set out on his day. By establishing this as a ritual when he was younger -- starting with 20 minutes when he was 5 or 6 -- he came to see it as non-negotiable.
  • Give your daughter a clipboard and let her walk around the house to write down things that need to be fixed, cleaned or organized. By encouraging her to develop the eyes to see what's needed in keeping the apartment or house in good shape, you'll be helping her develop important life skills.
  • Allow her to vent about how "unfair" it is that she has to do chores, or how she's "the only one of her friends" who has to help out around the house. Don't engage in long-winded explanations about her complaints. Simply let her offload her frustration with what I call "Act I" responses: "It sounds like you're pretty mad that you're having to clear the table." Or, "I guess it seems unfair that Julie and Carrie don't have to help out, and you do." Resist the urge to justify your requests. Allow your daughter to express her upset, and let her know that you hear and understand her feelings.
  • Create a bit of fun when it's chore time. Play loud music and have your daughter tidy up the living room for the duration of one or two songs. Or make a contest where you give everyone in the family a paper bag to toss in trash or items that need to be put away. Whoever has the fullest bag after 10 minutes can be crowned the Triumphant Trash-Nabber!
I appreciate your frustration -- parents do things endlessly for their children, and it's easy to feel shortchanged when they resist helping out. But I commend you for recognizing the importance of teaching your daughter to take responsibility for helping maintain the family home. And I'm especially glad that you understand how terribly harmful physical punishments are to a child's sense of safety, connection and self-esteem.

Make requests of your daughter in a friendly tone, create rituals for household tasks, rotate what you ask her to do and allow your daughter to be mad without negotiating or engaging in power struggles. Once she sees that doing chores is part of life, she'll come around. Just don't expect her to like it any more than you like doing those taxes!

Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama

AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.

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]]>choreskids to do choresteensSusan Stiffelman, MFTMon, 18 Apr 2011 09:00:00 ESTMy Neighbor's Child Often Hits My Daughter! Help!http://www.parentdish.com/2011/04/11/violent-behavior/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/04/11/violent-behavior/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/04/11/violent-behavior/#commentsFiled under: ,


Dear AdviceMama,

My 3-year-old loves to play with our neighbor's child, but things often fall apart when the other child hits my daughter. What should I do?

Signed,
Mom who wants a bruise-less kid

Dear Mom,

When our child is threatened or harmed by anyone, our instinct is to take action, and that's a good thing. Even if the threat comes from a 3-year-old, we instinctively know we need to do something.

Here's my advice:

Approach the parent of the other child to see if he or she is willing to collaboratively problem solve. In other words, find out if the hitting child's parents recognize the problem already, or are in denial.

If they are already aware of their youngster's aggressive tendencies, then you can work with them to arrange more supervision at playdates, or perhaps simply take a break from having the children play together until they can figure out what's behind their child's aggression.

If they are in denial, then they will tell you that their child doesn't ever hit other children (suggesting it's your daughter's fault) or that "all kids hit." They may even try to convince you that your daughter is the one provoking things, and that their innocent little one was merely acting in self-defense.

If the other child's parents are unwilling to work with you to solve the problem, then, as disappointing as that may be, you will at least know that it's probably best to reserve their play time -- if it happens at all -- to your home, so you can keep a closer eye on what's going on.

If your daughter generally enjoys playing with the other child and you're comfortable having the children play at your house, here are a few things to keep in mind to help minimize opportunities for the hitting to take place.

  • Make sure the playdates aren't more than an hour or so in length; in other words, build on success. At the end of the hour, walk the other youngster home and commend him or her on how well things went. End on a happy and positive note.
  • Make sure both kids are rested and well-nourished. Children become frustrated as a matter of course. That frustration turns into aggression more easily when they're hungry, tired, over-stimulated or running on lots of sugar.
  • Stay involved. Only arrange times for these kids to play together -- at least for now -- when you can be involved in their activities, or at least in the same room.
All children experience frustration. But for some, their inability to cope with not getting what they want unleashes aggression. Take these tips to heart, and see if things improve. If not, I would recommend that you avoid having your daughter play with this child for a little while, and then try again in a month or two.

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]]>Susan Stiffelman, MFTMon, 11 Apr 2011 11:00:00 EST'You're the Meanest Mom in the World!'http://www.parentdish.com/2011/04/04/youre-the-meanest-mom-in-the-world/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/04/04/youre-the-meanest-mom-in-the-world/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/04/04/youre-the-meanest-mom-in-the-world/#commentsFiled under: , , ,


Dear AdviceMama,

My 12-year-old wants to do things that her friends get to do, but I don't think she's old enough and she's furious ... what should I do?

Signed, "Meanest Mom"


Dear Mom,

When it comes to contests, there's one that nearly every responsible parent wins now and then, and that's "Meanest Mom (or Dad) in the World!" If you take your parenting role seriously, it's inevitable that there will be times when your instincts about what's appropriate or safe for your youngster will collide with what they desperately want to do.

The first thing to keep in mind is that we need to be our child's parent, and that often means they aren't going to like us. Our job is not to be their friend, although it's wonderful when we're getting along and sharing laughs, interesting conversation or mutual interests. But hopefully you have your own friends. If you're looking to your child to fulfill your friendship needs, you're in trouble. To parent effectively, you have to be willing to create clear boundaries, even if it means your daughter "hates" you.

She doesn't hate you. She's mad.

And, underneath her anger, she's sad, or afraid, or anxious about what will happen because of your "no." In her mind, maybe she'll be excluded from future get-togethers with friends, and lose status in her social group. Or maybe she's afraid the other girls will talk badly about her behind her back (a realistic fear for a 12-year old). Or, she could be terrified that if she doesn't get to go to the mall/watch that R-rated movie/spend the night at Caitlyn's when her parents aren't home, she'll look like a baby to her peers, a horrible notion to a tween.

When these concerns get triggered by your "no," it's time to let your daughter vent, but it isn't time to offer long explanations. In the midst of her fury, she doesn't have the wherewithal to process whatever rational explanations you might have to offer. If you come at her with logic about why she can't do the sleepover or watch the R-rated movie, you'll simply awaken her "inner lawyer" and end up in loud, messy, and ultimately unsatisfying debate and drama.

My advice is to state the facts: "Unfortunately I'm not comfortable letting you sleep at Caitlyn's when her parents are away." If your daughter starts to fling horrible accusations, stay as steady as you can, at least on the outside. (On the inside, you may be crumbling, but try your best to appear strong.)

If she demands a reason, the best line is this: "I know you desperately want to go, and, whatever reason I give you right now isn't going to make any sense." This doesn't mean that later, when she's calmed down, you shouldn't explain your thinking. I think it's very important for children to understand what informs your thinking -- when they're calm enough and capable of doing so.

But in the midst of a hurricane, we don't hang pictures on the wall. When a child is in the midst of an emotional storm, it's not the right time to try to convince them of why your limitations are in their best interest. It will be tempting to justify your decision, especially if your daughter accuses you of being mean, old-fashioned, behind the times or any number of awful things.

This too shall pass. It may help to align with similarly-minded parents, so your daughter isn't the only one who doesn't get to do certain things. And of course, as she gets older, you'll have to continue to adjust, and rethink what is and isn't okay.

I would even go as far as saying that if you're on the fence about whether you feel comfortable with her doing something, you might invite her -- if she's respectful and calm -- to lay out the facts to you, and perhaps give you information that might change your mind.

But in the same way that we don't negotiate with terrorists, I would strongly discourage you from caving in to your daughter's demands simply because she's worn you down or hurt your feelings.

Effective parenting requires us to make choices that often cause us to temporarily lose the popularity contest with our kids. That's OK. In the long run, it's our job to parent, not make sure our kids like us. Sad, but true.

Ultimately, what will help your daughter the most will be your calm, soothing presence, helping her offload her fears about what your "no" might mean to her social status. It's likely she'll need to have a good cry. Who better to do that with than her loving parent? That would be ... you!

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]]>am I a mean mommean mommeanest momtweensSusan Stiffelman, MFTMon, 04 Apr 2011 13:00:00 ESTHelp! I Can't Get My Teen Out of Bed in the Morning Without Shouting and Drama!http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/28/help-i-cant-get-my-teen-out-of-bed-in-the-morning/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/28/help-i-cant-get-my-teen-out-of-bed-in-the-morning/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/28/help-i-cant-get-my-teen-out-of-bed-in-the-morning/#commentsFiled under: , ,



I have to scream every morning to get my 16-year old daughter up for school. She stays up too late and is always tired. Any suggestions?

This question has two parts. The first is about the age-old problem of getting kids up in the morning and out the door in time for school. Regardless of their age, most children don't bounce out of bed to catch the bus because they'd rather stay home!

Despite our well-intentioned lectures about the importance of education, or our desire to motivate our youngsters to be enthusiastic students, kids are biased toward having fun as much as possible, and, for many of them, it's just more fun to stay home.

That's not to say that once they're at school, our children don't have a good time playing with friends and learning new things. It just means that to a sleepy child, the pull is strong to stay in that cozy, comfy bed as long as possible!

Rather than resorting to threats, bribes and general hysteria to light a fire under that slow-moving youngster of yours, focus on waking her and her groggy brain up without relying on drama and shouting to get her adrenalin pumping. Bring her a protein smoothie or an apple slice to kick-start her system when you wake her up. Turn on energetic music to help your daughter shift out of her foggy state. Some kids like it when you inject a bit of fun into the morning routine, having them eat breakfast with their left hand (if they're right handed), or holding a contest to see who can make it to the car first -- with shoes, backpack, lunch and homework in tow.

But your teen may not respond favorably to games, especially if she's tired, which adolescents usually are. The lure of Facebook and the magnetic pull of the online world -- not to mention late night cell phone chats and texts -- keep our kids up much later than is healthy, given the early hour they have to awaken for school.

Help your daughter find a meaningful incentive. Does she care about her grades? She will, if she's motivated to get into a particular college. Help her see the link between missing part of class and getting a lower grade. Or, perhaps the two of you can invent a motivator -- something she can remind herself of in the morning when she's tempted to hit the snooze button. Often, something relatively insignificant can work -- the promise of her favorite dinner on Friday night if she gets to school on time all week, or an extra hour added to her Saturday night curfew.

But the most important element of your question is the fact that your daughter, like most of her peers, is tired all the time. Teenagers should get vastly more sleep than they typically get. They need between 8 ½ and 9 ¼ hours, but most of them average just 6 ½ hours.

And, because of hormone activity and biorhythms, most adolescents don't feel sleepy until 11 p.m., or even midnight, which spells disaster when school starts between 7:30 a.m. and 8 a.m. In 1996, Edina High School in Minneapolis changed its start time from 7:30 a.m. to 8:30 a.m. and noticed a significant difference in students' performance. But inadequate sleep impacts more than just grades; it can contribute to mood swings, car accidents, illness and behavior problems.

What can you do? Instead of trying to force your daughter to unplug earlier, set a quiet tone in the evening for the whole family, turning off computers and opening books, pulling out colored pencils or playing music. Create unwinding rituals that gently help her body shift out of the stimulated state it's in when the TV or computer is on. If need be, establish a time when the Internet router and cell phones are turned off.

Even if you do manage to get your daughter to go to sleep earlier, however, don't expect her to cheerfully leap out of bed when you tell her it's time to rise and shine, and don't take her grouchiness personally. She is, after all, a teenager, and no matter how much sleep she gets, she'll almost always want to stay in that cozy bed to catch a few more zzzs.

AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.

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]]>morning rushteensteens sleeptired teensSusan Stiffelman, MFTMon, 28 Mar 2011 11:00:00 EST