Here's a Thought: Hit the Books, Not the Sack!

by Jennifer Mattern

Ah, college! One's first foray into adulthood, a time of self-growth, newfound wisdom, and rampant casual sexual encounters conveniently orchestrated online!

Say what?

An Internet site offering the college crowd a veritable EZ-pass to casual hookups is now expanding its operation. Originally created for University of Chicago students, eduHookups.com ("Where Fun Comes to Thrive!") is expanding its randy range to Northwestern University and Columbia College students -- making sure Chicago's collegiate crowd has better sex access, 24-7.

Proponents of eduHookups.com espouse the site as a "safe" way to scratch that special itch. The site's FAQ insists that eduHookups is vastly preferable to trolling Craigslist for one's next booty call, for the following reasons:

• eduHookups is open to members of selected colleges and universities only, while Craigslist is public. It's not hard to conclude which community is safer and has the more reputable (not to mention the more intelligent!) members.
• Because an EDU email address is required to sign up on the site, the amount of spam/fakes/etc can be kept to a minimum.
• Craigslist eventually requires interested parties to communicate on their own via email. eduHookups handles every step of the process, from public posting to private communication. Our private messaging system means that no user information is ever disclosed.
• Our campus events section allows publication of local events that are more interesting and relevant to our user base.

Listen up. I may be a creaky old MILF now, but I went to college, peeps! And while I was there, I learned deductive reasoning skillz, yo! I hate to bust your butt, eduHookups, but actually, it's NOT so simple to conclude that eduHookups is a "safer" community to Craigslist, simply because its members have an .edu suffix to their emails. Anyone seen "Animal House," or one of the 4,000 versions of "I'm a College Sex Addict" flicks out there? No? Just me?

No email suffix will ever guarantee safety. There are a lot of freaky-deaky souls out there, and plenty of them go to college. It's like that old joke: "What do you call someone who graduates in last in Pervy School?"

A pervert!

Okay, so it was a med school joke, originally. Whatever. You get the point.

The fact is, a degree (or the attempt at a degree) has nothing to do with sex cred (or sex ed). Let's get that straight.

EduHookups offers an illusion of safety, but there's no real safety net whatsoever for a very vulnerable, very unschooled population. Call me a paranoid pessimist, call me a mother of daughters, but man, sites like eduHookups can't help the very serious matter of date rape on campuses, not one bit: "She was looking for casual sex JUST like I was -- her profile proves that. We had a responsible plan, as advocated by eduHookups.com! And we had .edu email suffixes!"

Did I see some action in my college days? You betcha. Do I expect my kids to see some action in their college days? You know it. Call me old-fashioned, though, but I actually think there's still some merit in getting to know a potential sex partner over a cup of coffee.

Sex is a very complicated dance, and trying to "simplify" the casual version thereof via an online hookup marketplace is a joke, benefiting only the most casual of the casual-sex-seekers.

I appreciate the need to get one's rocks off during those stormy collegiate years. But if you're supposedly smart enough to have earned that .edu? Maybe it's also time to earn the sex you're jonesin' for -- the sex you think you're entitled to -- by taking the time to be a human being in your college community and encountering (gasp) other human beings, without laptop screens as smokescreens, with real names instead of usernames.

That's becoming a lost art, and that scares me for my kids. Sure, sex is fun when it's safe. Really fun. It's even more fun when it's a part of life, and not a rabid goal.

It's a scary world out there, and college kids are in a hurry to grow up, in every way. I'm not going to be the cool mom who says, You go, girlfriend! to my daughters. I'm going to tell them what I've told them since the beginning:

1) You're worth more than the cheap, quick way to anything -- always.

2) The right people will find you, if you're being the best version of yourself. Be patient.

3) Do your homework. There's no shortcut for homework, in any arena. Including sex.

Online Or Off, College Kids Will Make Dumb Sexual Choices

by Tom Henderson

When I was in college, I often quoted Woody Allen.

"Sex without love is a meaningless experience," he observed. "But as meaningless experiences go, it's one of the best."

Not really. Experience taught me it truly is meaningless. Serves me right for turning to Woody Allen for sexual wisdom.

Unless you really are just a rutting pig, all purely recreational sex does is leave you hungry for a true emotional, intellectual, spiritual and physical connection. You end up feeling more alone than if you had just stayed home and read a good book.

Not that you can tell anyone between the ages of 18 and 22 such things. They will listen attentively and promptly go out and heed the calling of their Klingon blood.

Maturity is a hard journey. You can't take a taxi. You have to carry a canoe. In other words, my son is going to make the same stupid hormonal mistakes and learn the same painful lessons I did until he realizes there's a reason the poets pipe of love in their childish way. It's a good thing.

In fact, it's the best thing.

By the time he reaches college, my guess is there will be something akin to the website at the University of Chicago that enables students to arrange casual sexual encounters. He will use it. God knows I would have at that age. Everything else is available online these days. Why not casual sex?

Even dull-witted undergrads are endlessly brilliant when comes to tracking down sexual opportunities. If this site were not available, students in Chicago would still have Craigslist and countless other online venues for getting what they want.

And I must admit, it beats my old M.O. of lying to girls in journalism school. ("Wow, Ming, you may just be learning English, but you're a great writer!")

At least everyone approaches the website with the same agenda. You know what the other person is after.

I was after the same thing when I suddenly found myself middle-aged and single in the wake of a divorce. I should have remembered the lessons of my youth, but after being rejected by my wife of 15 years, I wanted someone to find me desirable.

Besides, I was comfortable being someone's partner. So I hit the Internet in search of a replacement part or, barring that, a warm body to tell me I was still purty. Those sorts of bodies are easy enough to find online. Sadly, they can often be found among the people who insist they are looking for true love.

I met some of those people, and God forgive me, heeded the call of my Klingon blood. It was college all over again. Part of my brain was there, in the moment. The rest was wondering if I should stop on the way home and pick up some milk.

I remembered why I was so happy to be married in the first place. Making love is only truly satisfying if you are in love.

Good luck finding many people -- young or old -- who will heed that wisdom. Most young people are going to lose their virginity during their college years, if they haven't already. Whether they find sex online or in political science class, there's little use getting mad at them about it.

About all you can do is hope you raised them to make good choices so early experiments with recreational sex don't have life-long consequences.

They must learn themselves that drinking too much gives you a headache, staying up all night makes you tired and having sex for the sake of sex drains your soul. They will learn.

We all did.

Here's hoping they won't need refresher courses later on, and the lessons won't hurt -- too much.

Hot Sauce Doesn't Constitute Child Abuse

by Tom Henderson

Ohmigod! Another child killed by hot sauce! When will this madness end?!

Oh, wait. A mother in Anchorage, Alaska, punished her son by forcing him to drink hot sauce, but he didn't actually die. Yet 36-year-old Jessica Beagley has been arrested for ... for ... what?

Felonious hot saucing?

Granted, forcing your 7-year-old son to take a cold shower and drink hot sauce comes right off a page from of Dr. Evil's Guide to Child Rearing. However, it's an old book.

My father got a mouth full of hot sauce during the '30s and '40s if he so much as thought about the F word. My mother was more enlightened and progressive. She made me take a swig of Woolite. This was after I psyched her out by saying Dial soap tasted good.

"Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child," Proverbs 22:15 tells us. "But the rod of correction shall drive it far from him."

Our forebears took that passage seriously. And hot sauce is a dandy substitute if the rod of correction isn't handy. Such, uh, creative brands of punishment are no longer in vogue, but that doesn't mean they are criminal. Our parents and grandparents somehow managed to survive to maturity.

Personally, I would never resort to such harsh punishments. Psychological torture is much more effective -- and fun. Yet I think we should tread lightly when applying our standards to others.

Beagley got in trouble after she sent a tape of what she did to her 7-year-old son Kristoff to -- of all people -- Dr. Phil McGraw. He showed it to the world on a segment called "Mommy Confessions." The studio audience turned into a veritable barnyard of clucking chickens.

"Dr. Phil, no one in this audience can stay in our seats," Areva Martin, a family attorney and child advocate, said during the show. "We're just appalled at this. We're looking at this little boy who seems so sweet and innocent, and we're looking at this behavior as moms. We're just shocked."

Audience members were not alone. Viewers across the country flooded the Anchorage Police Department with calls for Beagley's arrest. Police obliged the angry mob, charging Beagley with child abuse.

"Nothing Jessica has done is criminal, Bill Ingaldson, a lawyer for Beagley, tells ABC News. "If you give your child food that has hot sauce on it -- maybe they eat Mexican food -- does that mean its child abuse?"

Good point. There is a fine line between child abuse and strict punishment. Wherever it's drawn, it should be by competent legal authorities after a thorough investigation, not a bunch of a reactionary hens clucking about something they saw on "Dr. Phil."

A television audience is not a courtroom jury.

Few people even spank their kids nowadays. I have spanked my own son exactly twice. Both times he was in imminent danger, and there was no time to explain the situation to a crib dweller whose vocabulary didn't extend far beyond "goo goo." I have also grabbed him by his short collar a time or two, but that's been it in terms of physical punishment.

However, I know if I pulled half my son's shenanigans when I was a lad, I would have found myself on a one-way flight across the living room courtesy of Dad Airlines. And my dad is about the sweetest guy in the world. But standards change.

Yesterday's stern punishment is today's child abuse. We shouldn't jail someone just because she's behind the curve.

Not all change is good. We might be kinder, gentler parents than our forebears. However, we seem to have lost our grasp on what -- and is not -- any of our damn business. Reality TV and talk shows like "Dr. Phil" apparently make us think we have a license to judge.

Beagley clearly sent the tape to Dr. Phil not to brag, but to seek help. She mistakenly thought she would get it. Instead, she was scorned and ridiculed as the latest freak in our ongoing national sideshow.

Her biggest crime was not forcing Kristoff to drink hot sauce. My guess? He'll survive. He might have a few therapy bills later on, but who among us reaches adulthood without baggage?

No, Beagley's biggest crime was looking for help from a nation of reactionary and judgmental busybodies.

Save the Hot Sauce for Her Lawyer and Dr. Phil

by Jennifer Mattern

At the very least, Jessica Beagley (a.k.a. "Hot Sauce Mom") needs a new lawyer, one capable of issuing a statement that is not completely inane.

"Nothing Jessica has done is criminal. If you give your child food that has hot sauce on it -- maybe they eat Mexican food -- does this mean it's child abuse?" Bill Ingaldson, Beagley's lawyer, tells ABC.

I'd love to hear Ingaldson argue the pros of waterboarding at Guantánamo Bay: "Nothing the U.S. government has done is criminal. If you take your prisoners to a waterpark -- maybe they like the Roaring Rapids -- does this mean it's prisoner abuse?"

A proffered taste of Mexican food does not equal a bottle of hot sauce forced into a sobbing child's mouth. (I could argue that Taco Bell is abuse for the whole family, but that's another SmackDown entirely.)

Let's back up: If you haven't heard, Beagley, a 36-year-old mother of six from Alaska, was recently charged with child abuse and arrested, following a November appearance on "Dr. Phil." The segment, called "Mommy Confessions," featured home video of Beagley screaming and shaming her 7-year-old adopted son, Kristoff, by pouring hot sauce into his mouth as consequence for telling lies, then forcing the child to strip and climb into an ice-cold shower. She confessed that she is angry at her son "all the time" and has tried numerous methods to punish him, to no avail.

I watched the video, submitted freely to Dr. Phil by Beagley herself. Three things occurred to me: 1) Appearing on "Dr. Phil" in a video showcasing your worst parenting moment is never a super-savvy move; 2) None of us would look fantastic on home video captured during our worst parenting moment; and, 3) This is a mom who is aware that she needs help and is aware she is doing damage -- or she wouldn't have agreed to ask Dr. Phil for his dubious "help."

I'm not in the business of vilifying other parents. Parenting is a dirty job, and at various times, every parent makes a damn mess of it. But I don't believe that hauling her ass into court is going to address this incredibly sad matter at its core. Using hot sauce and cold showers on a regular basis to discipline a child is repugnant, certainly. But there are two issues in play that are far more sobering to consider than the act itself: How did the ugly dynamic between Beagley and her son escalate to this point? And what will the consequences of her extreme corporal punishment be in the long-term?

There are no published studies available on the far-reaching consequences of hot-sauce-and-cold-shower discipline. But the cons of physical discipline are well documented. Take your pick. In a 2009 study conducted by Duke University and other top universities, researchers found that when parents' use of physical discipline continues through childhood, they're far more likely to have serious behavior problems by the time they become teens.

In addition, corporal punishment actually creates more aggression in children, according to a 2004 study by the Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health "[S]tudies showed that corporal punishment was linked with difficulties later in life ... the study takes into account other possible explanations for aggressive behavior such as violence between parents and maternal depression, drug abuse and neglect. It does, however, point to the explanation that spanking is the biggest factor that contributes to a child's aggressive behavior," the study states.

The studies of sociologist and family researcher Murray A. Straus suggest this common-sense conclusion: "When a parent resorts to physical punishment and the child does not comply, the parent increases the severity of the punishment, eventually harming the child."

Jessica Beagley and her son are caught up in a devastating cycle of abuse. This family needs counseling, stat -- and not of the sensationalist Dr. Phil variety.

I'll finish up with a quote from my favorite child psychology expert, my 10-year-old daughter:

"One spank is one spank. But being shoved into a freezing shower and getting hot sauce poured in your mouth makes you afraid of your mother. The results are just pain. Their throat would burn. And they could choke. They lose trust. And that's really hard to get back."