ParentDishhttp://www.parentdish.comParentDishhttp://www.parentdish.com/media/feedlogo.gifParentDishhttp://www.parentdish.comen-usCopyright 2012 Weblogs, Inc. The contents of this feed are available for non-commercial use only.Blogsmith http://www.blogsmith.com/The Gay Genealogist: Creating a Modern Family Treehttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/07/20/the-gay-genealogist-creating-a-modern-family-tree/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/07/20/the-gay-genealogist-creating-a-modern-family-tree/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/07/20/the-gay-genealogist-creating-a-modern-family-tree/#commentsFiled under: , ,

As hobbies go, genealogical research is not exactly on par with snowboarding -- it ranks right up there with stamp collecting in its total lack of "cool" factor. Does anything really say "geek" more than an obsession with family trees?

But that's me -- genealogy freak (and geek). Even as a kid, I was fascinated by charts that showed relationships and family lineage and my great sea of cousins and second cousins, most of whom I would never meet.

I was obsessed with the grandparents who'd come from Ireland as very young adults (some still teenagers), never to see their own parents again. I felt their loss as my own, in that my family history seemed to begin with their immigration. Somewhere between Ireland and New York I found a hard line of mystery: I knew nothing of my great-grandparents, and I felt cut off from my own ancestry.

As an adult, my obsession became more intense -- and more professional -- as hand-drawn trees were replaced by a full binder of documents culled from my research. Real, primary sources replaced family lore, and the Internet made a new wealth of documents available to me. I now have copies of Ellis Island ship manifests, U.S. and Irish census forms, draft registration cards, marriage certificates and all sorts of other material that have helped me create life stories for ancestors I've never met.

Looking at any of those documents, I can't help but think of the young immigrants, brides and grooms and prospective soldiers who filled them out. Did their nervous hands shake a little as they signed their names, or did they dash off their signatures with the rash confidence of youth? One thing I'm pretty sure of is that they weren't thinking about me, the 21st century genealogical researcher. I'm sure they never imagined someone using a laptop in 2011 to look at those signatures, tracing a family's path back to 1920s New York tenements and 1880s Irish farms.

But I spend a lot of time thinking about that 22nd century researcher who may someday be looking for me. As I've signed my official documents -- New York City domestic partnership agreement, New York State second-parent adoption forms, California wedding license, name change form -- I can't help but think about how being gay complicates things.

Will my searching descendants think to look in California for my marriage license, when I lived in New York at the time? Will they be looking for a 2008 document at all, when we'd been together since 1993, bought our house in 1999, and started our family in 2004? Will they have that "aha!" moment when they realize same-sex marriage was (briefly) legal in California that summer, when it still wasn't sanctioned in New York?

I also recognize what an odd hobby this is for any adoptive parent. After all, I've created my little clan based on the absolute belief that your family is what you say it is, not what biology mandates for you. How do I reconcile that with my obsession with finding my own biological lineage?

As a child, I was fascinated by my dad's mother. He'd only been 12 years old when she died, so he had a limited number of childhood stories that included her. Since I was only 17 when he died, I never got the chance to press him for more memories of his mother. I felt a real affinity to her, since I had her name, but she was always the mystery grandmother to me. What was she like? Did I have her hair, her eyes, her sense of humor? It frustrated me that I could never know those answers.

My kids often ask about their own grandparents, none of whom they'll ever really know. Both Em* and I had lost our dads before we became parents, and Em's mother died just a few years ago. Ann* will remember her, vaguely, but Mary* probably won't. My own mother is lost in the fog of Alzheimer's, so she is also "gone" to her grandchildren. But are any of these even the "right" grandparents to talk about with our girls?

In the largest sense, of course, they are. They made Em and me who we are today, and, like all parents, we want to tell our kids stories from our own childhoods -- and the kids want to hear them. They want to know what we were like as little girls, what we wore, what games we played, what tricks we played on our moms, what kinds of things got us into hot water. Those tales are filled with stories of our parents and grandparents, and our kids eat them up.

But our girls also ask about their birth parents, and those questions are just as important, although they're different. Where did my blond hair come from? How tall will I be? Why do I have brown eyes? We can't answer all of them as completely as we'd like, since we just don't know. (We tried an international birth parent search for both girls, but came up empty.)

I can trace my family's trademark ski nose back three generations -- I've actually seen it on Irish cousins -- but I can't tell my daughter where she got her cute little button nose. That hurts me now, and I'm pretty sure it will hurt her later.

We're at least a year away from the inevitable family tree project at school, but I'm thinking about it already. I know it will be a tough one. I don't think there's a good model for an adopted child in a gay family. We've read articles about how to help, like creating a fluffy family "shrub" showing the complicated bunch we are instead of the traditional straight-line tree with roots and branches. That's one approach, I guess, but I know I would have found it unsatisfying as the geeky kid I was. I drew my tree to help me understand where I came from, and find my place in the family -- will a shrub do the same for my kids?

I worry that my children will come to see their adoption by American parents as the same mysterious hard line I found with my grandparents' immigration. Will they end up feeling like pioneers, first-generation Americans with no connection to the country and lineage they left behind? Or will they embrace Em's and my family trees as their own, and find satisfaction in knowing their place in their adoptive family?

I hope they come to understand that they have two separate trees, one born of biology and the other from love, now forever entwined. I hope they learn to appreciate both for what they have to offer, and I hope they someday have the tools to find out more about their own biology if they want to. Just as the Internet opened up vast treasures that weren't available to me as a child, maybe someday another new technology, undreamed of today, will help them find the genetic histories that are currently out of their reach.

Or maybe I'll get lucky and they'll both just take up snowboarding instead.

*All names have been changed to protect my family's privacy

Veronica Rhodes writes about gay parenting under this pen name; read her blog on RedRoom. She and David Valdes Greenwood alternate weeks writing the Family Gaytriarchs. Look for them on ParentDish every Wednesday.

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]]>adoptionfamily treesgay parentinggenealogysame sex marriagesame sex parentingVeronica RhodesWed, 20 Jul 2011 11:00:00 ESTGay Parents Fight to Get Both Their Names on Son's Birth Certificatehttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/07/13/gay-parents-birth-certificate/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/07/13/gay-parents-birth-certificate/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/07/13/gay-parents-birth-certificate/#commentsFiled under: , ,

supreme court

Fathers want to take their case to the U.S. Supreme Court. Credit: Karen Bleier, Getty Images

A gay couple in California wants both their names to appear on their son's birth certificate as his adopted parents.

However, their 5-year-old son was born in Louisiana, a state that frowns upon adoption by same-sex couples. State law only allows one name.

So, CNN reports, the couple wants the U.S. Supreme Court to step in and decide the constitutionality of the Louisiana law.

Oren Adar and Mickey Ray Smith argue that same-sex parents have a right to due process and should therefore be listed on amended birth certificates as joint custodial parents. A federal appeals court has already ruled against them.

The next step is the Supreme Court.

That could be a good thing or bad thing for gay parents. Gay marriage and parental rights are currently defined by each state. If the court takes their case and supports Adar and Smith, it would mean rights must honored across state lines.

But the reverse is also true. If the court rules against Adar and Smith, it would chisel a precedent in stone that would toss gay rights issues back to the states.

"Obtaining an amended birth certificate that accurately identifies both parents of an adopted child is vitally important for multiple purposes, including determining the parents' and child's right to make medical decisions for other family members at the necessary moments [and] determining custody, care and support of the child in the event of a separation or divorce between the parents," CNN quotes a brief submitted by the gay rights advocacy group Lambda Legal.

The 16-member 5th Circuit U.S. Court of Appeals ruled against Adar and Smith in April. "Adoption is not a fundamental right," the appeals court wrote in its decision.

"Louisiana has a legitimate interest in encouraging a stable and nurturing environment for the education and socialization of its adopted children," reads the ruling. "Louisiana may rationally conclude that having parenthood focused on a married couple or single individual -- not on the freely severable relationship of unmarried partners -- furthers the interests of adopted children."

CNN reports Supreme Court justices area likely to decide in late September whether to accept the case for review.

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]]>adoptiongay parentingsame sex parentssupreme courtTom HendersonWed, 13 Jul 2011 14:30:00 ESTFacebook Connecting Adopted Kids With Birth Parentshttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/06/27/facebook-connecting-adopted-kids-with-birth-parents/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/06/27/facebook-connecting-adopted-kids-with-birth-parents/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/06/27/facebook-connecting-adopted-kids-with-birth-parents/#commentsFiled under: ,



Using Facebook to track down old loves, former classmates or long-lost friends is nothing new, but now the social networking site is being used to connect adopted children with their birth parents.

The New York Times reports the Internet is changing the speed of the search -- which once could take years -- and kids as young as 13 are now being contacted by their birth parents online, sometimes before they even know they were adopted.

"Kids, at the most vulnerable time for developing identity, are plugged in online," Leanne Jaffe, a New York therapist who specializes in adoption, tells the newspaper. "Either they are savvy enough to find their birth parents, or they spend time in places like Facebook, where their birth parents can find them."

Adam Pertman, author of "Adoption Nation," tells "Today" this is a growing trend.

"It can't be stopped," he tells the new show. "Some people like it, some won't like it, but we have to deal with it. We have to understand that this is the future in adoption and we have to set policies and practices accordingly."

Lisa Belkin who wrote the story for The Times, tells "Today" we're the issue deals with an "in-between generation."

"These are kids coming of age right now who have the social media tools were adopted in relatively closed adoptions and are now trying to find their parents in a very open era and so it's shifting," she tells the show. "The sands are shifting as we speak. ... I don't think the answer is more protection, I think the answer is more openness."

What do you think? Is it OK for birth parents to track down the kids they gave up for adoption via Facebook or the Internet?

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]]>adoptionadoption facebookfacebookLesley KennedyMon, 27 Jun 2011 12:30:00 ESTMeant to Be: A Letter to My Daughter on Her Birthdayhttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/06/01/meant-to-be-a-letter-to-my-daughter-on-her-birthday/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/06/01/meant-to-be-a-letter-to-my-daughter-on-her-birthday/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/06/01/meant-to-be-a-letter-to-my-daughter-on-her-birthday/#commentsFiled under: , , ,

Long ago, before there was you, when Daddy was not yet Daddy and I was not yet Papa, he and I promised each other that someday we would be parents. We had a wedding and bought a house, but then let more than a decade pass while we waited to be "ready" for a child. (We didn't realize there is no ready, only willing.)

In the early fall of our 11th year together, Daddy's beloved Nana passed away, one week after deciding it was her time to go. But first, she'd called her children and their children to her bedside, sharing her love one last time and commanding us all to live full, happy lives.

When Nana died, Daddy and I both felt something stirring inside, a clear impulse that it was time to move forward with our plans to adopt a baby, adding a new life to the now smaller family. Many of the people who would become your relatives, godmothers and aunties were thrilled when we announced this decision.

But my own mother didn't think God approved of two men raising a child, an opinion also shared by the governor of our home state and some of the most prominent men in the land. The doubters didn't stop us: Our course was set.

It was almost spring when Daddy and I filled out the paperwork to start the adoption process. We were told it would take 18 months or even longer for us to become parents, and we believed that would be true -- until the first surprise of many came our way. Your birth mom picked us to be your dads a mere eight weeks later, just weeks before her due date.

Everyone involved was amazed; the process never happened that fast. Moreover, there was a coincidence we couldn't ignore: We learned that you had been conceived the week that Nana died. Destiny.

Then, to our great sadness, things fell through. The agency told us to try and forget it, to move on -- such a speedy match was a fluke, after all. But every night of the week we'd been told you were due, I went to bed imagining a baby out there somewhere, and thinking that maybe, just maybe, it would all still work out. I dreamed of you, not yet knowing who -- or if -- you were.

The next week, your birth mom called us from the hospital, still wanting us to be your dads, after all. We heard your voice for the first time, a distant cry that tethered you to us for good, even across the miles. In the thrill of our connection that morning, we almost missed an impossibly wonderful detail: arriving five days late, you had been born on Nana's birthday.

How could you be any child but ours? Even my mother, who had been praying to understand what God wanted, had to agree: It seemed miraculous. If her Creator was strong enough to command a universe into being, He could certainly have disrupted one small adoption, but had not chosen to. She changed her prayer, instead asking God to watch over us as we flew across the country to her new granddaughter.

There were a couple of twists still lying ahead in the road that brought us to you, but they fade in memory next to the sun-soaked summer morning I held you in my arms for the first time. So tiny, a fluttering thing, a bird. We passed you back and forth, terrified and in love, and began to earn the names you call us: Daddy and Papa. There are no words, written or spoken, for what that moment meant (and means) to me.

Today, you are 6. You are too young to care what so many politicians and pundits are still saying about families like ours, but I know someday you will hear and understand their callous words, the harsh proclamations they utter without regard for their effect on children like you. I am sure those comments will sting when they land, but when that happens, I want you to remember this story.

I am not a mystical person, but there was a kind of magic in the making of our family. Nana somehow knew this; in her last night on earth, she told the granddaughter at her side that a baby was coming, that there was a little girl on the way to the family. Nana was right, for here you are.

As you celebrate your birthday -- and hers -- you're exactly where you are meant to be.

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]]>adoptiongay parentingDavid Valdes GreenwoodWed, 01 Jun 2011 11:00:00 ESTBabies Adopted From Other Countries Have Trouble Speaking Canadian English, Frenchhttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/31/adopted-babies-language/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/31/adopted-babies-language/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/31/adopted-babies-language/#commentsFiled under: ,

Speaking Canadian

When babies are adopted from other countries, learning the Canadian forms of English and French can be difficult. Credit: Getty Images

Cut babies some slack, eh?

Speaking Canadian is tough. These are people who go out and about and call it being "oot" and "aboot." That's just weird.

And that's just the English speakers. A lot of Canadians speak French.

All this comes naturally for babies born in Canada. But when babies are adopted from other countries, the Canadian Press news service reports, learning the Canadian forms of English and French can be difficult.

Researchers followed children adopted from China and natural-born Canadians, and found the Chinese babies had a harder time picking up the language.

"They are not huge differences, but they are statistically reliable differences," Fred Genesee, the study's director, tells the Canadian Press.

Genesee, a psychology professor at McGill University, conducted the study along with his doctoral student Karine Gauthier. Their findings appear in this month's issue of the journal Child Development.

Genesee and Gauthier compared households of similarly high socio-economic status to provide a valid comparison. The differences are minute, Genesee tells the Canadian Press.

"From most people's point of view they're looking quite typical," Genesee says of the Chinese-born children. "But if you look very carefully you realize there are lags or gaps in their language development taking into account the fact that they're being raised in these fairly enriched kinds of environments."

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]]>adopted babieslanguage barrierslanguage developmentSpeaking CanadianTom HendersonTue, 31 May 2011 16:00:00 ESTFlorida Uses Twitter to Find Adoptive Parentshttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/16/twitter-to-find-adoptive-parents/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/16/twitter-to-find-adoptive-parents/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/16/twitter-to-find-adoptive-parents/#commentsFiled under: ,

twitter adoption

Almost one in 210 Americans uses Twitter, sending short messages to family, friends and assorted hangers-on. Credit: Getty Images

"Wow, you guys are going to be parents? I had no idea you were even on Twitter!"

That could be party talk in the near future.

The Palm Beach Post reports adoption officials in Florida plan to use a 140-character tweet to find homes for the state's 850 foster children.

Florida officials are really into technology. They previously used an email campaign called "30 Days of Beautiful Children" to match kids with new parents.

Joann Uszuko of Panama City, Fla., tells the Post that's how she and her husband found their 8-year-old son.

"I really applaud what they are doing in this effort to get adoptive parents," she tells the newspaper. "There's just so many children out there."

But will Twitter reach people? Apparently. Almost one in 210 Americans uses Twitter, sending short messages to family, friends and assorted hangers-on. Officials at the Florida Department of Children and Families regularly sends Twitter messages -- or "tweets" -- to communicate with the public.

Adoption officials and Florida Gov. Rick Scott have been tweeting about training sessions and support tools for future adoptive parents to followers of @ExploreAdoption since April.

"We want to use every means possible to reach out to people and let them know about children who need and deserve permanent homes and families," Joe Follick, Department of Children and Families' communications director, tells the Post.

The email campaign in November was successful, the Post reports. Aside from Uszuko and her husband, 11 other parents found children.

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]]>adoptionsocial mediatwittertwitter adoptionTom HendersonMon, 16 May 2011 13:30:00 ESTJillian Michaels Hoping to Adopt Baby From the Congohttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/12/jillian-michaels-hoping-to-adopt-baby-from-the-congo/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/12/jillian-michaels-hoping-to-adopt-baby-from-the-congo/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/12/jillian-michaels-hoping-to-adopt-baby-from-the-congo/#commentsFiled under: , ,

Jillian Michaels adoption

Jillian Michaels plans to adopt as soon as possible. Credit: Dave Kotinsky, Getty Images

She's helped a slew of obese contestants on TV's "The Biggest Loser" shed pounds, but now trainer Jillian Michaels is ready to take on a whole new challenge: toilet training.

Michaels, 37, tells Us Weekly she is planning to adopt a baby from the Congo.

"My dossier, which is your paperwork portfolio, is in to the Democratic Republic of the Congo," she tells the magazine. "So the paperwork is done, and now it's just a waiting game. It could be six months, 12 months; it could be two years. Or, it could be tomorrow! They call you and they say, 'Oh, we have your referral,' which is essentially the child they match you up with, and you go overseas and you get him or her."

The star fitness guru told Women's Health last spring that she wanted to adopt.

"I can't handle doing that to my body," she said of being pregnant. "Also, when you rescue something, it's like rescuing a part of yourself."

Michaels is leaving "The Biggest Loser" this year, but Us reports she'll be part of the panel on "The Doctors."

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]]>adoptionjillian michaelsjillian michaels adoptionthe editors at ParentDishThu, 12 May 2011 12:30:00 ESTHelping Adopted Children Find Their Identitieshttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/11/helping-adopted-children-find-their-identities/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/11/helping-adopted-children-find-their-identities/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/11/helping-adopted-children-find-their-identities/#commentsFiled under:

adopted children

Twenty years ago, when my husband and I adopted our children from Korea, it was suggested that if we loved them enough they would not crave missing identity elements from their past.

Somehow, this advice didn't seem right. We wanted to acknowledge our children's experience of often being the only Asian faces among their peers. So, we decided to be the only Caucasian faces among many Asian ones in the Sacramento, Calif. Korean-American community.

We didn't stay on the surface; we dove in deep to form friendships with first-, second- and third-generation Korean Americans, as well as Koreans living in Korea. I made my first Korean-American friend by walking into her dry cleaning shop. I spent hours manning the front counter of her store while she took her children to the doctor and attended school conferences. She spent hours teaching me to cook Korean food at her house or simply talking to me while my children played with hers in the back of her store.

The latest expert advice is to expose adoptees early and often to their cultures of origin. On the Internet, I see many discussions revolving around the question "How much culture is too much?" People ask, "Should children be forced to learn about their countries of origin?"

To me, these don't seem to be the relevant questions. This type of experience is different from having family friends to whom children can relate as little or as much as they like. Korean and Asian-Americans are often in our homes and in our lives. They are not our "Korean friends." They are our friends.

As they grew, our children related to these family friends almost casually. Because they were readily available, my children asked our friends questions about Korea and got ideas about how to handle racial incidents as they arose.

Even with many resources available, identity formation is not easy. In addition to parenting, children are influenced by many factors, including their innate genetics, the communities in which they are raised, the friends they make and the resolution of unexpected experiences that arise in their lives.

For many adoptees there is the additional layer of an unknown birth family. And, for inter-ethnic adoptees, there is another culture and another ethnicity to add to the mix when forming a sense of self. A good relationship between parent and child helps. As parents, the best thing we can do is to show our children that we value all the elements of who they are. Having friends from our children's ethnic background makes a strong statement of our willingness to love what is not inherently within ourselves.

Friendships are best when they include reciprocity. In order to give as well as get, here are some ideas to make friends from your child's ethnic background. We don't become friends with everyone we meet, so it may take many encounters to find good friends.

1. You may find friends at your child's school or in your neighborhood. If you see someone who is isolated and struggling to connect, you might be a good bridge. If you find someone who is already well-integrated, you have an excellent role model for your child.

2. Travel to your child's homeland in a way that promotes deeper interaction. Programs that include home stays are wonderful for really getting to know others. If you host an exchange student from your child's birth country, you may have a chance to visit that student in their home.

3. Get involved in ethnic community organizations. Attend an ethnic church, a cultural fair, or volunteer to help seniors. If you don't give up easily and are open to new ways of doing things, opportunities for making friends will emerge.

4. Frequent ethnic businesses. Who doesn't appreciate a good and loyal customer? Friendships can evolve.

5. Make friends through adoption community events. You will have fewer opportunities here. You are asking people to come into your comfort zone rather than entering theirs. But if you become one of the organizers or volunteers, you may find opportunities to connect.

If you've adopted a child from another ethnicity, how are you connecting him with his culture?

This article originally appeared on PBSParents and was written by Chris Winston. Chris is founder and former president of the Korean American Adoptee Adoptive Family Network (KAAN), which aims to support networking and build understanding among Korean-born adoptees, adoptive families, Koreans and Korean Americans. KAAN hosts an annual national conference in a different city each year. Winston has published articles and presented papers and workshops for numerous adoption- and Korea-related organizations and conferences. In 2006, KAAN published her book, A Euro-American on a Korean Tour at a Thai Restaurant in China. She lives in Sacramento, California with her husband, Mark. They have three adult children, two of whom were adopted from Korea.


Deann Borshay Liem was adopted in 1966 from South Korea by an American family in California. She has made two films about her experiences - "First Person Plural" and "In the Matter of Cha Jung Hee" - both of which have aired on PBS.

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]]>adopted childrenadopted childrens cultureadoptionPBSParents.orgWed, 11 May 2011 17:00:00 ESTTeaching Moments: Mystery Moms and the 'Interrupting Chicken'http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/11/teaching-moments-mystery-moms-and-the-interrupting-chicken/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/11/teaching-moments-mystery-moms-and-the-interrupting-chicken/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/11/teaching-moments-mystery-moms-and-the-interrupting-chicken/#commentsFiled under: , ,

the interrupting chicken book

"The Interrupting Chicken" by David Ezra Stein


For most of this past year, I had a very intense, life-consuming job that cost me a lot of the smaller moments in my children's lives. I still tried to be home for dinner (even if it meant the kids had a delayed bedtime) and I tried hard not to spend too many weekend hours catching up on work I hadn't finished during the week.

But the little "extras" -- the bake sales, the class trips -- were not to be. Until now, that is. A new, less insane job has freed up more hours in my week and made me available for some of those moments.

That's why I really wanted to be a "mystery reader" in my 5-year-old's kindergarten class this month. Every Friday, someone shows up at school to read a story to the class -- it could be a mom or dad, an older sibling, anyone special to one of the students. It's a 10-minute appearance that the kids look forward to all week, as they wonder who this week's mystery reader will be.

The teacher, of course, spends a fair amount of time arranging these appearances, so it's no mystery to her who's coming in. Em* had put herself on the schedule for a Friday in April, and had told the teacher that I was hoping to do it, but that she'd appear in my place if I couldn't make it.

Then, one night Em was reading Mary* a book called "Interrupting Chicken," in which a papa chicken tries hard to read a bedtime story to his little girl, who repeatedly breaks in to put her own ending on the tales.

It occurred to me that it might be fun for us to be a mystery reader duet, with one of us reading the part of the little interrupting chicken. We practiced reading upside down (how do kindergarten teachers do that?) and alternating lines, so we were ready to perform when we knocked on the door of the classroom.

We could hear the teacher wonder aloud "Who's our mystery reader today?" as she opened the door, then exclaim in mock surprise that there were two of us.

Turns out, the surprise was on us. As bad as I'd felt about not having gotten to know Mary's classmates this year, I hadn't thought about how they hadn't gotten to know me, either. Or about me, even.

So, as we were taking our seats in front of the reading rug, we could hear the conversation going on in back. "Who's that other lady?" "That's my other mom," Mary was explaining. "You have two moms?" "Do you have a dad?" "Which one is your real mom?"

Mary answered that last one perfectly: "They're both real." But the questions continued: "But which one did you come out of?"

Now, Em has never been entirely comfortable answering unexpected questions like these, and I could see she wasn't thrilled with the way things were going.

"That's for another day," she said, and the teacher quickly jumped in to add "Yes, children, let's start our story!"

But I was, after all, the interrupting chicken. And if there's one thing I've realized about having kids, it's that you should answer their questions as they arise. Take the opportunity to explain something in a way they can understand, and they're satisfied (at least for a little while). Don't leave them wondering, and on this topic, especially, don't make them think there's something to hide.

So, I said, "Well, I think we can answer those questions before we read our story." (I could sense the murderous twitch of Em's hands even without turning my head.) In about 30 seconds flat, I explained that Mary had been born in Russia, just like her older sister, and that they'd come to America as babies to join us, and that's how we became a family. And that was that -- asked and answered, and we went on to read our story aloud. Mary was thrilled, the children went back to their tables, and the mystery readers left the building.

Our post-mortem lasted a little longer than story time had. Em's take on it was that Mary's adoption story is hers to tell or not tell, and that by talking about it we'd intruded on her privacy. What if Mary doesn't want her classmates to know she was adopted? We can't unring this bell -- the information is out there now, like it or not.

I disagreed (obviously). There are details of both our children's adoption stories that we have not shared with anyone, not even aunts and uncles -- those particulars do belong to them, I think, and they can decide someday whom to tell, and how much. But the fact that they were adopted? To me, that needs to be out there, to be matter-of-fact, to be simple.

And, come on, now, we're both women -- people will want to know how we came to have a child, since we're clearly missing an ingredient for creating one. Why make a mystery out of it?

Em and I will continue to disagree on this one, I'm sure. If she gets questions when she's alone she'll handle them her own way (which may mean dodging them). But when the interrupting chicken is on hand, you can be sure I'll take advantage of the teaching moments and squawk away. Which is why Em just might find herself feeling a little nostalgic for my previous job, after all.

As for me, I can't wait for the next bake sale.

*All names have been changed to protect my family's privacy

Veronica Rhodes writes about gay parenting under this pen name; read her blog on RedRoom. She and David Valdes Greenwood alternate weeks writing the Family Gaytriarchs. Look for them on ParentDish every Wednesday.

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]]>adoptiongay parentinggay parentsinterrupting chickenVeronica RhodesWed, 11 May 2011 13:00:00 ESTExploring the Concerns of Adoptive Parentshttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/05/exploring-the-concerns-of-adoptive-parents/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/05/exploring-the-concerns-of-adoptive-parents/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/05/exploring-the-concerns-of-adoptive-parents/#commentsFiled under:

adoptive parents

Twenty-four years ago, when my newly-adopted daughter, Joanna, was about 4 months old, I was reading an article about adoption in the Sunday paper. The author made the sweeping statement that all adopted children feel a life-long "sorrow" about having been given up by their birth parents.

When I read this, it made me angry. Here I was, preparing to be a loving, caring, generous adoptive father to a beautiful baby girl. The idea that she would carry a sorrow with her for her entire life felt like an affront to my loving heart. As her excited psychologist father, wasn't it my mission to protect my daughter from pain? Wasn't it my job to make sure she had a happy childhood and felt wonderful about being adopted by us?

I read the offending sentence out loud to our in-house expert on adoption: my wife, Theresa. As a malnourished baby weighing only 11 pounds at 7 months, Theresa had been adopted from an orphanage outside Dublin, Ireland by an American family. She also has three adopted younger siblings.

She was the expert, and I fully expected her to refute the author's sorrow argument. "This is a little much, isn't it?" I prompted. She looked me in the eye and said, "That sounds about right to me."

Was there anything I could do to transform our daughter's sorrow? "No," she declared with the voice of authority. I realized how naïve I was. It was time for me to start thinking more deeply about the psychology of adopted children and adoptive parents.

Let's jump ahead to my daughter's 18th birthday. I found her upstairs sobbing on her bed. "I want to meet my birth mother," she cried. "You promised I could when I turned 18."

Fast forward now to Joanna's 23rd birthday, which we celebrated as a family that included not only our adopted 17-year-old son, Will, but also Joanna's birth-mother and her family -- including two daughters she later adopted from China.

Every adoption comes with a fascinating back story, and, of course, that amazing first meeting between parent and child. But all adoptions come with questions and doubts, too, both for the adoptive parents and later on for the adopted child. These questions may continue throughout the child's entire childhood and adolescence.

Each year, I speak to more than 100 audiences of parents, and whenever I mention that I am an adoptive father, an adoptive parent approaches me later with questions and concerns. Below are the top four worries that come up when adoptive parents talk about their children, and the one, big worry that adopted children have expressed to me in psychotherapy.

How can I be sure the loving bond I have with my adoptive child is as strong and close as the attachment (I imagine) between a biological child and birth parents?
The idea of "my flesh and blood" has a strong psychological hold on all of us. You can't raise someone else's biological child without wondering whether you are getting it "right." How can adoptive parents tell whether they have formed a strong bond of love, especially if they adopted a child later in infancy or childhood? Adoptive parents must contend with an extra measure of normal parenting doubt.

How do I raise a child whose temperament and learning style are so different from mine?
Because traits run in families, the chances of having a child with a very different temperament from your own obviously increase when you adopt a child. In addition, research has proven adopted children have above-average rates of learning disabilities, ADHD and other school problems. Things that came easily to you may not to your adopted child and vice versa. Raising an adopted child forces us all to stretch a bit to understand a different temperament and brain.

When my child has behavioral or emotional difficulties in childhood, how can I tell whether they are "normal" problems or adoption-related problems?
When an adopted child hits developmental snags, as all children do, it is impossible not to wonder, "Is this happening because he or she is adopted?" Most of the time, most problems are simply developmental, true, but some problems like hoarding and stealing, or unusually ferocious identity struggles in adolescence may, in fact, be related to a child's early infantile experiences or to the sorrow and anger related to adoption itself. It's important to be able to talk about these challenges.

How do I talk to my child about his or her being adopted when it's hard to bring the subject up, or I'm not ready for it myself?
Talking about adoption is always important and rarely easy. It used to be common to keep adoption a family secret; not so much anymore. Yet, I still run into parents who are waiting until their children are 5 or 6 before telling them. Yikes! Even if you are open and positive about adoption from the beginning, direct conversations about it can be emotionally difficult for parents and children alike. Waiting years to drop this bomb can mean intense feelings of hurt and betrayal for the child, because it changes his or her feelings of identity so radically.

And that brings me to the concern so many adopted children share with me in conversation -- the question of fit between adoptive parent and adopted child: "Was I the child my parents hoped I would be when they adopted me? Have I been a good son or daughter to them?"

All children hope to please their parents. It is one of the fundamental motivators in a child's life. They want to be loved, certainly, but they also want to honor their parents' love and sacrifice on their behalf. How does this worry about expectations affect an adopted child?

This article was originally published on PBS Parents by Michael Thompson, Ph.D.Michael Thompson, Ph.D. is a consultant, author and psychologist specializing in children and families. He is Senior Advisor to the PBS Parents Guide to Raising Boys and the host of the PBS documentary Raising Cain.

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]]>adoptionadoptive parentsPBSParents.orgThu, 05 May 2011 10:00:00 ESTSteps to Stepfamily Successhttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/04/steps-to-stepfamily-success/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/04/steps-to-stepfamily-success/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/04/steps-to-stepfamily-success/#commentsFiled under: , , , ,

stepfamily success

Typical multi-home stepfamilies are like intact biological families in many ways. But, they differ structurally, developmentally and dynamically in many ways too.

Stepfamilies who aren't aware of these differences risk using biological family norms and expectations to guide their day-to-day lives. That's like trying to play baseball with soccer equipment and basketball rules -- guaranteed to create confusion, conflict and stress.

Learning to live well in a new family takes time. Everyone has a lot to learn, including how to cope in a new environment. One of the first things you'll want to do is to recognize some of the myths of stepfamilies. For example:

Myth #1: "I love you, and I must love your kids."
Reality: "I love you and will patiently work at respecting your kids. They and I may never love each other. If we do, it will feel different than biological parent-child love, and that's okay.

Myth #2: "Your or my ex-mate is not part of our family!"
Reality: "As long as your biological children from your previous marriage live, their other biological parent, and their new mate(s), if any, will emotionally, financially, legally and genetically influence all of your lives. Ignoring or discounting the needs and feelings of these other adults will stress everyone for years.

Myth #3: "We're just like a regular biological family."
Reality: Not really. Your new extended family and the linking of stepfamily co-parenting homes add up to loads of relatives with many major losses to mourn, and many conflicting values and customs to resolve. You are, however, normal -- a normal multi-home stepfamily.

Myth #4: "Your or my kids will never come between us."
Reality: Stepfamily adults' inability to resolve clashes over one or more step-kids, including related money issues, is the most quoted reason for a stepfamily divorce. Underneath this usually lie your own unhealed wounds.

Myth #5: "Stepparenting is pretty much like biological parenting, without the childbirth."
Reality: While stepparents' primary goals are about the same as those of biological parents, the emotional, legal and social environments of average stepparents differ in numerous ways. This usually leads to confusion, frustration, and stress, until all the stepfamily adults agree clearly on what each other's key responsibilities are.

Myth #6: "Your and/or my biological kids(s) will always live with us."
Reality: In about 30 percent of U.S. stepfamilies, one or more minor biological kids move into the home of their other biological parent at some point. The resulting emotional and financial shock waves can be extremely challenging. The key is to build realistic expectations for your new stepfamily homes, roles and relationships. If you don't, ongoing frustrations and disappointments can end up harming your marriage. Learning together what's normal in average stepfamilies -- early on -- can help considerably.

Here are a few more ideas on how to keep your new family on the right track:

1. Adopt an open learner's mind to new ways of doing things.

2. Award yourself patience, permission to mess up and learn, and strokes for the smallest triumphs.

3. Expect some people to misunderstand and to criticize your new values, goals, and plans -- or you. Realize they probably are stuck in a biological family mode of thinking. That's their issue.

4. Keep your emotional knees flexed, hold hands, and enjoy the adventure and challenge together. It's worth it!

Your relatives and friends might mistakenly expect your new household and kin to feel and act like a biological family. They also may not approve of either the prior divorce(s) or the remarriage. Yet, when well-run by confidant stepfamily adult teams (not simply couples), this modern version of an ancient family form can provide the warmth, comfort, inspiration, support, security -- and often (not always) the love -- that adults and kids long for.

What's your biggest challenge as a stepparent? How are you dealing with it?

This article was originally published on PBS Parents by Gloria Lintermans. Gloria Lintermans is the author of The Secrets to Stepfamily Success: Revolutionary Tools to create a Blended Family of Support and Respect, The Healing Power of Grief: The Journey Through Loss to Love and Laughter, and The Healing Power of Love: Transcending the Loss of a Spouse to New Love.

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]]>stepchildrenstepfamiliesstepfamily successPBSParents.orgWed, 04 May 2011 10:00:00 ESTAdoption Scam Outed in Undercover Stinghttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/28/adoption-video/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/28/adoption-video/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/28/adoption-video/#commentsFiled under: ,

Holly and Mark Gonzales had been trying to have a child for four years when they received a phone call from a woman who said she was pregnant with twins.

"And a half an hour later she sent me a text message saying I think you're going to be great parents to the twins," Holly Gonzales tells CBS's "The Early Show."

The woman was actually Roxanne Janel Jones, an alleged Kansas City con artist. CBS set up an undercover sting revealing the adoption scam.

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]]>adoptionadoption scamthe editors at ParentDishMon, 28 Mar 2011 17:00:00 ESTBarbara Harris on Adopting Drug-Addicted Babies and Why She Started Project Preventionhttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/24/barbara-harris-project-prevention/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/24/barbara-harris-project-prevention/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/24/barbara-harris-project-prevention/#commentsFiled under:

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Barbara and Smitty Harris are surrounded by their adopted children. Courtesy of Barbara Harris

Twenty-one years ago, when Destiny Harris was born, she tested positive for crack, PCP and heroin.

At 8 months, she was adopted by Barbara and Smitty Harris, who had served as foster parents to the girl and already had six sons between them. In the next few years, they adopted three more children, two boys and another girl, all from the same birth mother as Destiny.

Barbara Harris became frustrated with a system that allowed drug-addicted mothers to have drug-addicted babies who were put into foster care. So, she started Project Prevention, an organization that pays female drug addicts to go on birth control.

Harris recently spoke to ParentDish about the charity and answers her critics. An edited version of the conversation follows.

ParentDish: How did you come to adopt these children?
Barbara Harris: When I met my husband, he had three sons. I had one (from a previous relationship) and, together, we had two sons. At that point, I realized we were never going to have a daughter, so that's what led me to becoming a foster parent -- I knew I could say I wanted a little girl and get one.

Before becoming a foster parent, I never thought, as a lot of people don't, about the fact that women who are using drugs are having babies. It never entered my mind. So when we got our first little baby, Destiny, in 1989, we learned that her mother had five total children. (Destiny) had four older sisters and we learned that when she was born she tested positive for crack, PCP and heroin. So, that was the first time I thought about women who are using drugs, conceiving children and basically marinating them in drugs until they give birth to them.

PD: And the babies kept coming.
BH: Four months after we got Destiny, we got a phone call saying that the mother had had her sixth baby, a little boy, and did we want him? And we decided to bring him home because I wanted them to be together. And then, the next year, we got a call that she'd had another baby girl and did we want her? And I decided we couldn't say no. And then, the next year, we got a call she'd had her eighth baby, and did we want him? So, we brought him home. That's how we ended up with all four of them and we adopted them and they're one year after the other.

PD: Did she have more kids?
BH: She didn't, because if she would have they'd be living with me because I wouldn't have said no. My husband was very grateful that she stopped, as he said, "Barbara, I'm not buying a school bus."

PD: Did you see your kids go through drug withdrawal?
BH: When I bought Isaiah home, I saw how he suffered. I had to watch him withdraw from drugs and the way he suffered and the way his eyes looked like they were going to bulge out of his head. He couldn't keep food down and he screamed and he wouldn't sleep and, oh, my gosh, I was so upset.

At first, I was angry at the mom, how dare you do this, six babies! But then I started focusing my energy towards the system that allows them to do this. Why do we allow women who are drug addicts or alcoholics who are acting totally irresponsibly to walk into the local hospital every year and drop off a damaged baby and walk away without any consequences?

PD: And, so you decided to take action.
BH: Everyone was complaining, the social workers, the hospitals, the courts. I thought, complaining doesn't change anything. So, I tried to get legislation passed in California, where I was living at the time, which would have made it mandatory that if a woman gives birth to a child with fetal alcohol syndrome or tests positive for drugs, she had to use long term birth control, and that's how I wrote the bill.

The politicians took it and added they'd have to go to jail. I don't believe jail is the answer, because if you start locking them up, they'll stop going to the hospital. The bill almost passed and then it didn't. I asked the law professors I'd been working with if I could offer these women money to use birth control and they told me I could do it.

PD: What do you say to people who say your organization is unethical?
BH: My opinion is, with rights come responsibilities, and if you're acting irresponsibly, then you should lose that right 'til you act responsibly. I guess it depends on where your heart is. Some people are so into the women and their rights to get pregnant that they seem to forget about the rights of the kids. They act like these children don't matter.

People need to realize these women don't want to have babies that are taken away from them. Nothing positive comes to the woman who has eight children taken away from her. Typically, it sends her deeper into her addiction because she feels regret and sadness about losing yet another child.

PD: How does money play into it?
BH: Yes, it takes money to get their attention, but it's something they know they need to do. They're not thinking about the birth or the child. They're thinking about how they are going to get high and who they are going to rob and prostitute with; that's their whole life.

They're consumed with that, so, when they hear "money," it gets their attention and they listen to the message. A lot of them tell me if it wasn't for the money, they wouldn't have done it, but, to me, if you can spend $300 to prevent child abuse, then it's the best $300 you can spend.

PD: Are some women sterilized?
BH: They can be if they want to. One third of the women who have come through our program choose to do so, but before doing that they had numerous children. None of them didn't have children before doing so.

They choose either the implant in the arm or an IUD, and those women can get paid $300 a year, because as long as they keep it in, we keep paying them.

PD: Do you offer rehab?
BH: Yes, we offer referrals to drug rehab programs. A lot of the women who come to us are in drug rehab programs and they often relapse and go back out and use drugs before we can get their check to them. At least they are on birth control, so we know they're not going to get pregnant again.

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]]>barbara harrisbirth controldrug addictioninterviewproject preventionNicki GostinThu, 24 Mar 2011 16:30:00 ESTGay Parenting: Out of the Closet and In Againhttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/09/gay-parenting-out-of-the-closet-and-in-again/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/09/gay-parenting-out-of-the-closet-and-in-again/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/09/gay-parenting-out-of-the-closet-and-in-again/#commentsFiled under: , ,

I was delighted when ParentDish asked me to be the mom half of this new column on gay parenting -- reveling at the thought of how mainstream we "alternative" families have become. In fact, the same week I agreed to write the column, I read an article in a national parenting magazine by a gay mom that was all about just how ordinary we are these days -- and she was writing under her real name.

Are we really, finally, completely unremarkable?

Well ... not exactly. The woman who wrote the article lives with her family in the Park Slope section of Brooklyn, New York, which is a kind of Lesbian Central. My partner, Em*, and I used to live there; every time you leave your house, you could easily get the impression that you're no big deal at all.

But elsewhere in the country and the world (elsewhere in New York, even) we remain surprisingly, stubbornly alternative.

When Em and I decided to move out of Park Slope and buy a house -- an actual house, with a yard and a sidewalk and a driveway -- we were more than a little nervous. We picked a neighborhood that seemed mixed enough that we'd mix right in. Our (gay) real estate agent pointed out other homes in the area owned by gay couples.

Still, we wondered: How would the neighbors respond to us? Would we feel like interlopers, oddballs or even targets?

We've been none of those, thankfully, but there's no denying that we had to consider it as a factor in our home buying. Straight home buyers have lots of real estate angst -- school districts, property taxes, commuting times and even their ethnic fit. It felt lousy that we had to add "gay-accepting" to our house hunt.

When we decided to become parents we went through a similar questioning: Was it fair to kids to expose them to possible ridicule or bullying? Would we have the strength to be out all the time, everywhere, every day? Would our kids end up resenting us? What about down the line -- how would we deal with our future in-laws? (Hey, we've seen "La Cage.")

We don't know yet about the in-law problem, since our oldest is in second grade. We don't know yet about what high school will bring, or what will happen in the dreaded middle-school years.

What we know now is that we live in a wonderful neighborhood, with first-class folks living all around us, who welcomed us warmly when we moved in (one actually brought us a Bundt cake) and later welcomed our two little girls, Ann* and Mary*. Our kids haven't been mocked or bullied or ostracized. Rather, they have pals and play dates and parties like all the other kids, and so far they seem completely well adjusted and in no way damaged by being a part of a two-mom family.

So why the asterisks, you might ask, and why the pen name? I live in a gay-friendly neighborhood, my kids go to a gay-friendly school and our lives are completely mainstream. So why not be totally out there and write this column under my real name as well as the real names of my partner and children?

What's the big deal?

Well, here's the big deal: We're not there yet. There are still some people out there who don't approve of me or my family. Not that we need their approval, or care (much) if we don't have it. But in these scary, polarized times, one disapproving nut can ruin your life. What parent would risk that? I could write completely openly as a white parent, an Irish-American parent, an older parent or an adoptive parent, and not worry about someone gunning for me or my family.

But a gay parent? I have a reason to worry. Just look at the news; bullying gay folks seems to be a national pastime.

I have the added fear that comes with our having adopted our girls internationally. The foreign government that approved the proceedings does not allow gay couples to adopt. It's more of a "don't ask, don't tell" policy. However, an unmarried woman could adopt, no questions asked.

So Em checked off the box marked "unmarried" and went through the adoption process without mentioning me. But I realize that, if those overseas bureaucrats had known the truth, our girls would not be ours today, and there's always that little fear in me that the foreign authorities might someday learn the truth.

I dare not fill in the "and then what?" part of that scenario.

I was telling a friend, another adoptive mom, about this new column and my decision to use a pen name, and I told her of my fear.

She looked at me as if I were crazy and asked, "And what, you think they'd take them back? They didn't want them in the first place. There are thousands more just like them and they sure don't want yours back."

I know she's right, of course. But my straight friend doesn't know what the terror of being found out feels like. Because no matter how remote the possibility of "and then what?" coming true, it's a risk I wouldn't dream of taking. I want my kids. Period.

I'm pretty sure I'll never run for office, be nominated for the Supreme Court or otherwise stick my neck out onto the public chopping block, and sadly, that includes writing under my own name as it relates to gay parenting. You'll get to know a lot about me, Em, and the girls in this column, but sadly, not our names. I can only hope that things will be different when they become moms.

*All names have been changed to protect my family's privacy.

Veronica Rhodes and David Valdes Greenwood alternate weeks writing the Family Gaytriarchs. Look for them on ParentDish every Wednesday.

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]]>gay parentingGayParentingVeronica RhodesWed, 09 Mar 2011 12:00:00 ESTAdult Adoptees Legislation Would Give Access to Original Birth Recordshttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/07/adult-adoptees-legislation-birth-r/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/07/adult-adoptees-legislation-birth-r/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/07/adult-adoptees-legislation-birth-r/#commentsFiled under: ,

adoptees original birth certificate request

Proposed legislation in New Jersey could give adult adoptees direct access to their original birth certificates. Credit: New Jersey Department of Health and Senior Services

If you're an adoptive parent, you probably grapple with questions of when, how and what to tell your child about his or her birth parents. And, if you're an adult adoptee in search of your biological parents, you may have difficulty finding them.

In New Jersey, two competing bills are pending in the state legislature that would give adult adoptees access to their original birth certificates and family medical information, removing a major impediment for those who wish to explore their birth families, the Asbury Park Press reports.

Currently, when a child is adopted in New Jersey, the original birth certificate is modified to contain only the adoptive parents' information, the newspaper reports. The state files away the original birth certificate -- which contains birth parents' names, ages, ethnicity and other identifying information.

However, if New Jersey resident Carol Barbieri gets her way, adult adoptees may soon be able to access their original birth certificates for the first time since about the 1940s, according to the Press.

Barbieri, of Atlantic Highlands, N.J., has been fighting for adoptee rights for about 20 years, since she began a quest to locate her own birth family, seeking critical medical information to help doctors treat her son, who had Wolff-Parkinson-White syndrome, an electrical imbalance in the heart, the newspaper reports.

When the cardiologist asked Barbieri if the condition ran in the family, it was all the motivation she needed to find out all she could about her biological family -- turning into a decades-long fight to get a state law passed to allow adult adoptees to obtain their original birth certificates.

However, though passage of bill A-1406 is close, another roadblock recently popped up, in the form of competing bill A-3672, introduced in January, the Press reports.

The original bill, sponsored by Assemblyman Vincent Prieto, provides adoptees with direct access to their original long-form birth certificate, with the option of having an intermediary go-between them and their biological parents, the newspaper reports. The new bill requires an intermediary and gives biological parents the right to deny their access to the original birth certificate.

Those who favor the new bill say it's the only fair way to protect both the rights of adoptees and birth parents who may not wish to reveal their identities. However, proponents of the original bill, A-1406, say their bill already accomplishes those objectives and, at this point, is much closer to actually being passed into law, the Press reports.

"It's taken us 30 years to get the bill to where it is now," Barbieri tells the Press. "It's a fair bill."

If the original bill passes, birth parents would have one year from the date of passage to notify the state in writing that they want their identifying information removed from the original birth certificate. They will also be able to choose whether they prefer direct contact or contact through an intermediary.

In addition, the law would require birth families to update their health information with the state every 10 years.

Under the new bill, sponsored by Assemblywoman Joan Quigley, if the birth parents deny the adoptee's request for their original birth certificate, they would be asked to provide family medical information, which would then be given to the adoptee, the Press reports.

Quigley says the original bill will provide adoptees only with the names of their alleged parents and addresses that are 20 or 30 years old, and therefore no actual useful information for tracking down birth parents at the time of the request, according to the newspaper.

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]]>adoptionadoption legislationAdoptionLegislationadult adopteesAdultAdopteesbirth certificateBirthCertificatelegislationnew jerseyNewJerseyparentsHoney BerkMon, 07 Mar 2011 15:15:00 ESTAuthor Explores Lives of 'Practice Babies' Once Raised on College Campuseshttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/02/23/practice-babies/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/02/23/practice-babies/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/02/23/practice-babies/#commentsFiled under: , ,

practice babies

This semester, we'll be studying art history, geology and baby-raising. Credit: Getty

It may sound like an episode from the popular MTV hit "Teen Mom," but once upon a time, babies were fed, bathed, read nursery rhymes and rocked to sleep by 18-year-olds on college campuses across the country.

From 1919 to 1969, infants -- called "practice babies" -- were delivered from orphanages to the home economics classrooms of U.S. colleges and universities, where young women were taught the science of mothering, NPR reports.

These "practice mothers" were taught Donna Reed-like domestic arts: cooking, cleaning, running a household and being a mom. According to NPR, the infants were essentially raised by teams of college coeds.

The campus approach to parenting served as the inspiration for author Lisa Grunwald's novel "The Irresistible Henry House," leading her to take a deeper look into what life was like for practice babies and their college-aged "moms."

ParentDish caught up with Grunwald, 50, mom to Elizabeth, 18, and Jonny, 13, via phone from her New York City apartment. An edited version of the interview follows.

ParentDish: How did you discover these "practice babies?"
Lisa Grunwald: I was working on an anthology of letters written by American women at the turn of the century. I was trying to study what life was like for mothers at the time, famous and not, and was seeking the secrets of women who aspired to be Betty Crocker. I expected to find letters about making good casseroles.

But I stumbled on the Corenell University website about home economics. There, I found this snapshot of the most beguiling baby with this roguish grin who had been a "practice baby." His name was Bobby Domecon and he had been cared for by about a dozen women who took turns being his "practice mom." Domecon, is short for "domestic economics." All of the babies at Cornell had the last name: Domecon. At Illinois State University, the babies all had the last name North or South.

PD: What inspired you to write the book, and why fiction?
LG: When I first read about this, I thought it was sort of weird and a little bit creepy. But I was gripped by Bobby's story and wanted to know more. So, I found out he'd arrived malnourished, very scrawny and not healthy, but that by the time he turned 4 months old in the "practice baby" setting, he was robust and obviously much healthier. I wanted to explore this further, but there was no real information on what happened to the babies after they were returned to the orphanages as toddlers and then were adopted. I had to make it fiction.

PD: What was the thinking behind colleges setting up "practice baby" programs?
LG: At the time in which this took place, everything was considered a possible opportunity for a scientific approach, and child care was no exception. The practice houses really embraced the idea that you could learn mothering the same way you learned cooking or learned chemistry -- everything was learnable, and systems were really important. I also discovered that many of the babies were in the orphanages because their families had fallen on hard times and couldn't care for their babies. The orphanages and colleges figured this was a better place for babies to be, to be cared by a team of "moms" and with all the scientific parenting practices in place -- a strict diet, regimented nap times, etc.

PD: How widespread was the "practice baby" phenomenon?
LG: I discovered that by the 1950s, there were 40 or 50 colleges and universities throughout the country who had this program in place, or something very similar. According to one 1952 estimate, there were 41 practice baby programs around the country, including ones at Eastern Illinois State, Oregon State University, Iowa State University, East Tennessee State University and Montana State University. At Cornell University for example, eight women students lived with a resident advisor in the "practice apartment."

PD: What where you looking to discover about these babies?
LG: There are all kinds of theories on parenting babies, from Doctor Spock to the idea of attachment disorder for babies who don't form a reliable attachment with one person, and I wanted to see how children developed without that. I found that these babies would have two or three "moms" within the course of a day, and 10 or more all told. They'd take turns being "the mother" so one might put the baby to sleep for a nap, and another would be the "mom" getting the baby out of the crib.


PD: Describe how the classes worked.
LG: At Cornell, "Practice, 126," was a required course for a Bachelor of Science in home economics. Half a dozen or more students worked rotating shifts of five weeks each, weighing and measuring, feeding and changing, taking the baby out for walks and losing sleep when he cried at night. The babies were supplied by child welfare groups and leased on contract by the universities before they were eventually returned to the orphanages and put up for adoption. The "moms" were very proud of their role and even kept scrapbooks of the baby's milestones.

PD: What has happened to the practice babies?
LG: Adoption records were hard to come by and there was no evidence, because the babies weren't followed and studied as they grew up. Just a couple weeks ago, I got my first call from a woman who said her mom was one of the practice moms, but I haven't had a chance to follow up yet. So, because I couldn't find out what happened to them, I figured it would be better to try to imagine what happened. It makes a much yummier novel.

PD: What discoveries did you make about parenting from studying the practice babies?
LG: When I first heard about this, I imagined I would discover a cautious tale about over-parenting or under-parenting, or something that would show me if I did right or wrong as a mom with my own two kids. I considered myself the opposite of a helicopter mom when they were little.

But I discovered that the theories on parenting are always changing. During the early part of the century, the thinking was that virtually anything could be improved by science, so, if transportation, communication and health could, why not motherhood? And there was no evidence that this was wrong, as most of the babies were returned to the orphanages physically healthier then when they arrived.

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]]>author interviewAuthorInterviewhome economicsHomeEconomicslisa grunwaldLisaGrunwaldpractice babiesPracticeBabiesThe Irresistible Henry HouseTheIrresistibleHenryHouseMary Beth SammonsWed, 23 Feb 2011 10:00:00 ESTRussians Want Woman to Support Adopted Child She Sent Backhttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/01/21/russians-want-woman-to-support-adopted-child-she-sent-back/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/01/21/russians-want-woman-to-support-adopted-child-she-sent-back/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/01/21/russians-want-woman-to-support-adopted-child-she-sent-back/#commentsFiled under: ,

Hey, you break it, you buy it.

Or, at the very least, you pay child support. This could be store policy when you treat a kid like a Blue Light Special at Kmart.

Torry Hansen of Shelbyville, Tenn., adopted a boy from Russia and made national headlines in April when she stuck the boy on a plane by himself with a note saying she didn't want him after all.

Hansen handled the adoption through the World Association for Children and Parents. Now, the Associated Press reports, organization officials have gone to court, with the support of Russian authorities, demanding that Hansen pay $2,500 a month to care for the 8-year-old boy.

Her attorneys say forget it.

The demand for child support was filed with the juvenile court in Shelbyville. Hansen's attorney at the time, Trisha Henegar, argued in court documents late last month that the juvenile court lacks jurisdiction to order child support because Tennessee is not the boy's "home state," adding that termination of Hansen's parental rights is being handled by a Russian court.

Henegar further argued that Tennessee state law defines the "home state" as where a child lived with a parent for at least six months. The boy, who was named Justin Hansen but is known as Artyom Savelyev in Russia, reportedly lived with Hansen in Shelbyville less than six months before he was sent back.

The National Council for Adoption, an adoption advocacy group that joined in the petition against Hansen, has been trying to persuade a court in Moscow to postpone terminating Hansen's parental rights.

Her client "will not have to pay child support in Tennessee once her rights are terminated and will not be held criminally liable," Henegar writes in court documents.

However, the case is complicated. Russian authorities claim it is Hansen gumming up the process of terminating her parental rights.

The Moscow Times reports Russian children's ombudsman Pavel Astakhov says Hansen is delaying the process with "cynic slyness" aimed to avoid making child support payments.

He adds the boy can't be adopted by another family until Hansen gives up her parental rights.

Since filing her arguments in December, Hansen has hired a new attorney, Jennifer Thompson. Thompson is not speaking with the press.

For now, the boy lives in a Russian orphanage. The note Hansen sent with him in April said she couldn't handle him because he had psychological problems.

Neither Hansen or her mother, Nancy Hansen (who put the child on the plane), have been criminally charged.



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]]>adoptionchild supportChildSupportrussian adoptoinRussianAdoptointorry hansenTorryHansenTom HendersonFri, 21 Jan 2011 13:20:00 ESTThree-Way Custody Battle for 'Baby Vanessa' Postponed Againhttp://www.parentdish.com/2010/12/02/three-way-custody-battle-for-baby-vanessa-postponed-again/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/12/02/three-way-custody-battle-for-baby-vanessa-postponed-again/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/12/02/three-way-custody-battle-for-baby-vanessa-postponed-again/#commentsFiled under: ,


The heartbreaking custody battle for 2-year-old "Vanessa" between the adoptive mom who has cared for her since birth, the tot's biological father and the girl's grandmother has been put on hold until spring, the Dayton Daily News reports.

The toddler has been at the center of a bitter guardianship tug of war between adoptive mother Stacy Doss, of Orange County, Calif., the birth father, Benjamin Mills, of Dayton, Ohio and the biological father's mother, Rena Jordan of Middletown, Ohio, according to the newspaper.

But the hearing, previously scheduled to resume Dec. 6, has been postponed until March 7, 2011, to allow more time for motions and counter motions to be heard, the Daily News reports.

"It's in the child's best interests for everyone to have their day in court for each of these motions," Montgomery County Legal Director Greg Scott tells the newspaper.

Vanessa was born June 13, 2008, to a mother who claimed ignorance of the birth father, according to the Orange County Register. But three weeks later, Mills, 39, claiming to be Vanessa's father, filed for paternity. Doss had filed adoption papers by that time, but the paternity claim put the adoption on hold.

By November 2008, DNA tests confirmed that Mills was Vanessa's father. Doss and Mills have been in a legal battle ever since, the Register reports. Last July, Jordan, Mills' mother, who has had legal custody of two of his three children since 2008, stepped in to say she would raise Vanessa, the Daily News reports.

Doss tells the Daily News she's relieved she'll be able to enjoy the holidays with Vanessa without the stress of the hearing, but she's frustrated with yet another delay.

"Critics say adoptive parents bring this on themselves because they use the courts to drag the process out, while the child just gets older and older and it's harder for them if there is going to be surrender," she tells the newspaper. "These critics have no idea what the courts put you through. Adoptive parents have no say as to the time frame -- the courts have all the control."

Doss's fight to keep Vanessa has made national headlines and raises questions about the best interests of a child and the rights of a biological parent, according to the Register.

A divorced public relations consultant, Doss has drained her life savings and has sent her home into foreclosure twice paying for the fight to keep her child. She is relying on fundraisers to pay for ongoing legal fees, the Register reports.

According to a statement in the Dayton newspaper from Mills' attorney, Elizabeth Gorman with Legal Aid of Western Ohio Inc., Mills did not request the delay.

"The delay is unfortunate because it further prolongs Mr. Mills' and his family's separation from his daughter Vanessa," the statement reads.

Cristy Oakes, Jordan's attorney, tells the Daily News her client and the child's extended biological family also are disappointed.

"The sooner we can get some visitation between child and family the better," Oakes says. "She is being denied the right to see her grandmother and her two siblings. The family is saddened they won't ... see her over the holidays."

When the custody hearing resumes, Montgomery County Juvenile Court Judge Nick Kuntz is expected to rule on Mills' parental rights; if he upholds them, a custody trial would most likely ensue between Mills and Doss.

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]]>adoptionbaby vanessaBabyVanessachild custodyChildCustodycustody caseCustodyCaseMary Beth SammonsThu, 02 Dec 2010 16:00:00 ESTStupid Questions People Ask Adoptive Parents, and Our Smartass Answershttp://www.parentdish.com/2010/11/30/stupid-questions-people-ask-adoptive-parents-and-our-smartass-a/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/11/30/stupid-questions-people-ask-adoptive-parents-and-our-smartass-a/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/11/30/stupid-questions-people-ask-adoptive-parents-and-our-smartass-a/#commentsFiled under: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Adoptive parents

Actually, there is such a thing as a stupid question. Illustration by Dori Hartley


As we say goodbye to National Adoption Month, let's close on a positive note. If you're an adoptive parent, this list will give you great answers to the most ridiculous questions you will ever get. If you're not an adoptive parent, think of this list as a reminder of when to adopt a think-before-you-ask moment.

1. Are those your real children?
*No, they're robots from the planet Mergatroid who landed here overnight. Careful, they may zap you with their bacteria-building laser gun.
*Is that your real brain or a loaner from the moron store?

2. Where is their real mother?
*With your husband.
*Out on parole next month. I'll give her your address.

3. Are they orphans?
*Why yes, didn't you catch their cameos in "Annie?"

4. Are your children related?
*Yes, to your father.
*Yes, they're siblings. You know, like your parents.

5. What do they eat?
*Idiots who ask stupid questions.
*Oh, goodness. Am I supposed to feed them?

6. Why didn't their mother have an abortion?
*Why didn't your mother have an abortion?

7. Can we touch their hair to see what it feels like?
*Sure, for $100.

8. Were they abused?
*Do you consider stupid comments and questions abuse?
*Yes, someone hit them upside the head with a 2-by-4. Here, let me show you how it feels.

9. Did they eat monkey (kid from Africa), rice (kid from China), borscht (kid from Russia), rice and beans (Central/South America)?
*Yes, because they're walking stereotypes of [insert nationality], just like you're a walking stereotype of an American idiot.

10. Where/how did you get them?
*I think it was somewhere in a TSA patdown line.
*On sale at Macy's. Black Friday. Buy one get one free.
*Have you ever heard of the store Buy Buy Baby?
*Ebay.
*On the corner over there. I think there's some left if you want some.
*Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt had a few left over, so ...
*From the International Association of None of Your Damn Business.

11. Were they in an orphanage? If so, where and for how long?
*No, they were actually placed in a traveling, government-run circus.
*Yes, it was the hard-knock life for them, 'stead of kisses, they got kicked.
*Only until Fagin taught them how to pick pockets.

12. Do they come from Haiti? It's good they escaped the earthquake.
*Yes. All the other third-world disaster victims had been snatched up already.

13. Why did you adopt them?
*Because I wanted to gray faster, like you!
*Angelina was busy and Madonna couldn't take the bad publicity.
*Somebody's gotta do the household chores and it's not gonna be me.
*I'm starting a home mail-order business. Free labor!
*It was between them and a Chia pet, and all my plants end up dying.

14. Couldn't you have your own children?
*Sure, but it kinda seemed so ... 2009.
*Sure, but whenever I run into you, for some reason I'm unable to perform in the bedroom.
*What, and wreck this perfect body with saggers and stretch marks like you did? Hello?
*Yes, but God and I agreed that this isn't the right time for another Messiah.

15. Do you know anything about their real parents? Are they alive?
*Nope. I killed them. [Laugh madly.]
*I probably shouldn't say this, but, she's a well-known public figure and he's well, let's just say very important. [Say this in hushed tones.]

16. How much money did they cost?
*Less than the cost of your cosmetic surgery.
*I got the discount ones, so it wasn't too bad actually.
*They were in a basket with a note that said, "Free! Take 'em!"
*I got them for selling subscriptions to Mother Jones.

17. Don't you feel sorry for birth mothers?
*Yes, yours in particular.

18. Do they know who their real parents are?
*Yes, the ringmaster and the bearded lady.
*Honestly, does anyone?
*No, do you?

19. Do you have an open adoption?
*The offer is always open for them to return to the Big Tent.
*Absolutely. We swap children every two years with a sweet family in Ohio.
*Sure, we're going to have a seance tonight.
*Do you have an open marriage? Your husband said it was an open marriage. Gosh, I hope he was telling the truth. I would hate for you to be hurt by someone's boorish insensitivity

20. When will you take them to see their real parents?
*When the circus comes to town again next summer. They've promised us free tickets.
*Not until we're sure we wanna keep them.
*When they realize that we are just impostors, their fake parents.
*Thought you'd never ask. How's next Tuesday?
*Gee, what do you suggest? Did you ever meet your real parents, or were they moved to another zoo?

21. Did you get to "pick" them?
*There wasn't much choice after you eliminated the World's Shortest Man from consideration.
*Yes, we found a pick-your-own baby farm.
*Yep, like lint off your sweater. Here, let me get that for you.
*No, they fell right off the tree.

22. What do they call you? Mom?
*They've already adopted the American practice of, "Hey, you."
*'Mom' seems to have that motherly ring to it, which is kind of cool being that I'm their mom.
*They call me mom for the same reason people call you dumb ass. It just fits.

23. Did they have diseases when they came to America? Do they have diseases now?
*Only one. It's a strange jungle disease only communicable through a high-five. Hey, you didn't happen to ... ? Oh, never mind.
*They have foot-in-mouth disease, which I believe they caught from you.

24. Do any of them have HIV?
*Do you?
*No, you can't have sex with them.

25. Do you feel like you "missed out" on having your own children?
*Yes, morning sickness, extra baby weight and painful labor are all on my Christmas list this year.
*No, these little wonders fill that empty void that was my terrible, unsatisfied life of doom and gloom.
*There are worse fates. Just ask your parents.

26. Why did you wait so long to have children?
*We were too busy drinking, drugging and dancing naked on bar tables.
*Most people don't realize schizophrenia becomes more manageable in middle-age.
*You soured me on the whole concept of humanity until I realized not everyone is an imbecile.

27. Do they speak English?
*Only when they swear.
*Yes. You should try it sometime.

28. When they arrived, did they know how to use the toilet?
*Yes, of course, because it's easier than reaching the faucet. [Pause here so they can think about what you just said.]
*Don't worry. They won't try to flush you. I explained to them the different kinds of turds.

29. Why don't they have birth control in that country?
*They want rich Americans to take their children away. It's a master plan to bring down the United States.

30: Do they still speak (Swahili, Chinese, Spanish, Russian)?
*Only at school. It gets them special ESL accommodations. We're trying to game the system.
*That and five other languages, all fluently.
*Yes, and they're teaching me several new ways to tell you to $#@! off!

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]]>adoptionadoptive familiesAdoptiveFamiliesthe editors at ParentDishTue, 30 Nov 2010 08:00:00 ESTTransracial Adoption Leads to Stares: How One Mother Dealshttp://www.parentdish.com/2010/11/04/transracial-adoption-leads-to-stares-how-one-mother-deals/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/11/04/transracial-adoption-leads-to-stares-how-one-mother-deals/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/11/04/transracial-adoption-leads-to-stares-how-one-mother-deals/#commentsFiled under: , , , , ,

transracial adoption picture

Ilie Ruby and her three children. Credit: Ilie Ruby

There is a natural curiosity about a Caucasian woman holding the hands of three African kiddos at a Chinese restaurant. Visually, things don't quite jive. Transracial families are still, in most places, an oddity, and staring comes with the territory. This is what I tell my three children, all adopted from Ethiopia.

Two years ago, when my children first arrived, people stared at us wherever we went -- a water park, the mall, the grocery store, the train station, the beach. During our first summer as a family, people seemed to be riveted by the striking beauty of my eldest; the dark shade of her skin made even more luminous by the summer sun.

The problem is compounded because my daughter has a penchant for lo mein.

The Chinese restaurant that my daughter insists on dining at has been the site of the most overt staring offenses. At one dinner in particular, the family behind us (whom she was facing) was staring at her, which included two little girls whispering. While she tried to ignore it, she said that the situation was hurting her heart. I leaned over the booth and politely waved at the staring family.

"Geez, my daughter thinks your girls are staring at her," I offered. "Is it because she is so beautiful?" Thankfully, the mother caught on quickly, and agreed that yes, it was because my daughter was so beautiful.

Not long after, it happened again in the same Chinese restaurant. I had just returned from taking my toddler to the restroom when my eldest reported that the people at the facing table were staring at her (different family than the previous offenders). So this time I told her to smile and wave. She did. Then I turned around and smiled and politely waved at them. They all waved and smiled back. "Your kids are beautiful," the mother called out. "And so well-behaved." I thanked her.

Now, two years later, we ignore the staring. Perhaps we don't notice it anymore. Perhaps we have become part of the fabric of our community. I am acutely aware that my repertoire of responses and reactions will continue to evolve as I grow in my own understanding of our family and its place in the world. And I also know that my children's reactions will change as they move through varying developmental stages. So we take each day and each situation as it comes. On occasion, when I am confounded, I call a very wise adoptive mom of six Ethiopian children for her best advice. It truly does take a village.

Thankfully, now, with some time under her belt, my eldest has a confidence that humbles me and a zest for life that gives her a rare charisma. She has a group of friends who adore her. She is charming, funny, and if you cross her, she'll stand up for herself.

Does race get in the way? Sometimes. Does it still hurt? Sometimes. As I cuddle my children, talk to them, walk them through scenarios and keep them from harm's way, what I try to keep in the front of my mind is that I can never truly understand what this particular issue feels like to them. I can share my own childhood struggles, but I can't pretend to know this particular struggle intimately. And I can't tell them not to let it hurt their hearts.

Though painful at times, I must let my children have their feelings. I can help them speak their truth and equip them to deal with whatever comes their way. But in order to flourish, we have to accept that "looking different" is a part of our lives, and assert that this is a real family built by adoption, bonded by love. My children have a place where they belong and parents who love and adore them. This seems to take the sting out of things, I've found. For all the questions and staring from strangers, the racial divide has, in some ways, strengthened us. Because when held up against the bond we have -- the humor, the connection, the trust, the love -- well, nothing really stands a chance.

As for the Chinese restaurant, my eldest has the standing option of never going back there. But my outgoing, glorious daughter has a penchant for lo mein. And regardless of what has gone on before, she continues to insist on going back to that Chinese restaurant.

Ilie Ruby is the mother of three children from Ethiopia and the author of The Language of Trees, a novel about healing, second chances and how far we will go to protect the ones we love. Read her blog on Red Room.

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]]>adoptiontransracial adoptionTransracialAdoptionIlie RubyThu, 04 Nov 2010 12:00:00 EST