ParentDishhttp://www.parentdish.comParentDishhttp://www.parentdish.com/media/feedlogo.gifParentDishhttp://www.parentdish.comen-usCopyright 2012 Weblogs, Inc. The contents of this feed are available for non-commercial use only.Blogsmith http://www.blogsmith.com/Suspense Writer James Patterson Takes on Middle School Sethttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/07/08/suspense-writer-james-patterson/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/07/08/suspense-writer-james-patterson/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/07/08/suspense-writer-james-patterson/#commentsFiled under: , ,

james patterson

Credit: Amazon

James Patterson's books often deal with murder, mayhem and the truly dark corners of human experience.

In his latest book, however, prolific author plunges into what could well be the very heart of darkness ... middle school.

"Middle School: The Worst years of My Life" is timed to hit bookstores the same day as his latest novel for adults, "Now You See Her."

It's no coincidence.

Patterson tells Business Daily Africa he hopes parents will go to bookstores or websites for his suspense novel and pick up a copy of "Middle School" for their kids in the process. He insists this isn't a ploy to boost sales of his books but, instead, an attempt to get kids reading.

"I am obsessed with it," he tells Business Africa Daily. "It's a huge, huge problem in this country [the United States] and probably all other countries. But we have millions of kids in this country who have never read a book in their lives."

According to the Children's Literacy Initiative, he's right. One in six children in the United States do not read proficiently by the time they reach the end of third grade.

Patterson has written 17 books for young audience, but "Middle School" (co-written with Chris Tebbetts) is the first to target middle school kids. It takes a humorous look at growing up through the eyes of a boy named Rafe as he copes with bullying, crushes and family changes.

Patterson is one of the publishing industry's most prolific and successful writers. Business Africa Daily reports he outsold Stephen King, Dan Brown, Stieg Larsson and John Grisham combined last year.

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]]>books for kidsjames pattersonJames Patterson Middle School Now You See Her Suspense Murder Lisuspense novelsTom HendersonFri, 08 Jul 2011 16:00:00 ESTWhy has 'Go the F**k to Sleep' Struck Such a Nerve With Parents?http://www.parentdish.com/2011/06/29/go-the-f-to-sleep/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/06/29/go-the-f-to-sleep/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/06/29/go-the-f-to-sleep/#commentsFiled under: , ,

go the f to sleep

Credit: Amazon

I admit, it's funny. And there's another thing I like about Adam Mansbach's "Go the F**k to Sleep": It exposes the underbelly of parenting -- that dark, secret part of us that needs a little time to ourselves when we can do grown up things -- or maybe just crawl into our own bed for some desperately needed sleep.

In the book, the author uses expletives to convince his child to release him from endless cuddles or drinks of water. Who among us hasn't visited moments (for some, every night) when our longing to escape the clutches of a sleepy child has prompted the type of sentiments Mansbach uses in his take on a children's bedtime story?

So much of parenting is done behind closed doors. We rate ourselves against the behavior of imaginary parents, falling prey to insecurities that have us convinced we're the worst of the bunch. Surely Danny's mommy and daddy never lose their patience at bedtime. They always appear so calm, so on top of things.

But, the fact is every parent reaches a breaking point, nearly weeping when, after believing little Trudy has finally dropped off to sleep, she grabs our arm as we try to make our escape, starting yet another round of, "Don't go!!!"

Raising kids is exhausting. Children are relentlessly demanding, needy and egocentric. They love us in their own precious way, but they don't really care if we're tired, or if we'd rather spend time with our spouse or a good book.

Mansbach has highlighted our need to talk openly about how tough it can be to raise children, especially at the end of a long day. Most of the parents I see for counseling are running on empty, getting significantly less sleep than bodies require. Sleep rejuvenates, nourishes and restores us not only physically, but emotionally. Chronically exhausted parents are more stressed, impatient and likely to explode and/or become abusive toward their child.

We simply need sleep to function well. If you've gotten to the point where you're thinking (or saying) "Go the f**k to sleep," it's time to create some clear bedtime rituals.

Mind you, it takes time and commitment to establish end-of-day routines that work with children. Kids love our company, and don't like being alone when they fall asleep. It's human nature to snuggle with other humans when we sleep. And, frankly, a child left alone in the dark often doesn't know what to do with his active mind, which means without your calming presence, he might end up lying there for hours, triggering those endless rounds of "Mommy, I'm scared/need to go the bathroom/have a tummy ache..."

When parents are clear about how they want bedtime to go, it's easier to implement a realistic strategy. Depending on the child's age and temperament, that might mean two stories, a 10-minute cuddle and a lava lamp to occupy an active mind while the child drifts off to sleep. Or, it could be that after your goodnight kisses, your youngster can use a headlamp to look at books until she's drowsy. Still, other children may end up sleeping in their parent's room.

I'm not defining how bedtime should look -- that's for each parent to decide. I'm simply suggesting that if a parent is committed to a plan, most children will relax into it. It's when we change our minds from one night to the next, or deliver ultimatums that we have no intention of enforcing, that children push, and the nightly craziness persists.

Mansbach opened up an important conversation about parents' need for grown up time, and for a good night's sleep of their own. Some say the book is funny, and others call it downright crass. Mostly, I'm concerned about how easily it could fall into the hands of a child; no little one should stumble across this book, geared for adults with a particular brand of humor.

But if his book is helping moms and dads feel less guilty about being imperfect, that's a good thing. Parents who feel like failures tend to take their frustrations out on their children, perpetuating a vicious cycle of anger and drama.

We all reach a point when we long for "Goodnight" to mean, "I'll see you in the morning." Bedtime rituals can go a long way toward helping reduce long, drawn out nighttime drama. So can getting our own healthy dose of sleep, exercise and grown up time. But, if all else fails, just fast forward to imagine the day when your little one is off on her own life adventure. You might just find yourself wanting to read one more bedtime story, or to hang on for a little more snuggling.

AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.

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]]>Adam MansbachbedtimeGo the F.... to SleepsleepSusan Stiffelman, MFTWed, 29 Jun 2011 11:30:00 ESTYou May As Well Laugh: A Conversation With Judith Viorsthttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/06/03/judith-viorst/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/06/03/judith-viorst/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/06/03/judith-viorst/#commentsFiled under: , ,

Judith Viorst's newest book is "Unexpectedly Eighty."

By Marlo Thomas

I've been a huge fan of Judith Viorst for ages. Her writings have continued to amuse, inform and delight audiences, especially her "decade" books. The latest is "Unexpectedly Eighty" - and the minute I heard it had been published I wanted to chat with my old friend about it.

Judith, your new book "Unexpectedly Eighty" continues a series you started with "When Did I Stop Being Twenty and Other Injustices." When you wrote that one, did you ever imagine you'd still be writing these so many years later?

I never actually planned to write decade books, but by the time I was writing about my 40s, I realized that I was, in fact, able to pinpoint certain experiences/challenges/qualities that seemed to characterize each decade for me -- and for other women of my generation, and even, to a surprising degree, for women of younger generations. In my 40s, however, it was still unimaginable that I'd ever be 80, still be writing at 80, and still finding things to laugh about at 80.

If you were to tell us a lesson you learned in each decade of your life, what would those be?

Wow! I can better describe the challenges of each decade.

  • 30s: Dealing with the shocks of married life as romantic illusion collides with messy reality.
  • 40s: Struggling to come to terms with the fact that there are limits - that I'll never be a ballerina or brain surgeon, and that I'm probably not going to be the first immortal.
  • 50s: Becoming pretty clear on who I am and what I am and am not good at, and feeling really comfortable in my own skin.
  • 60s: Except ... Just when I thought I finally had it all nailed down, I'm facing a whole new set of difficult truths, and preferring a good report on my next bone density test to a night of wild rapture with Denzel Washington.
  • 70s: So here I've been expecting the worst, but despite the losses and limits of the 70s, everyone I know is busy working on staying fit, and trying to make the world a better place, and finding plenty to please both body and soul.
  • 80s: Not the new 60s - no way. More and more of the people we care about succumb to awful illnesses; many of them die. But sharing Metamucil and grandchildren with the man I've loved for over 50 years is pretty damn sweet.
Has there been a favorite decade so far?

My favorite decade has been my 50s, when I felt at peace with my options, proud of my capabilities and no longer as self-absorbed, as self-pitying, as just plain dumb as I used to be. But what I didn't have in my 50s, and what is lighting up my life in the decades since, are Miranda, Brandeis, Olivia, Isaac, Toby, Nathaniel and Benjamin, my practically perfect - no, totally perfect - grandchildren.

These books are life stories, written in poetic verse. How did that concept of storytelling begin for you?

My first writings were poetry, which always felt to me like a quite natural way of expressing what was in my heart and my mind.

"Unexpectedly Eighty: And Other Adaptations"

But these decade books are just one part of a very full career. You've written fiction, non-fiction and a series of children's books. The "Alexander" series is based on your son Alexander and includes your other two sons, Anthony and Nick. How did that series come about?

My Alexander books began when I noticed that my real-life Alexander seemed to be having more than his share of bad days. So to cheer him up I wrote about another (sort of fictional) Alexander's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. Though I never spell this out, of course, I see "bad day" as a helpful container concept-not limitless misery but a period of time that has a beginning and END. The book also makes the point (again, not explicitly) that all of us, not just my own Alexander, not just the unlucky hero of this book, are sometimes going to have some bad days.

How did your sons feel about being young boys that children around the world were reading about?

My kids were basically pleased to have their names mentioned in my books, but more interested in what I was making for dinner.

And, I imagine, your grandchildren grew up reading about their dad and their uncles! Did they know they were reading about their own family?

My grandchildren are not as impressed with reading about their dad and uncles in my books as I thought they'd be, though I do make yearly cameo appearances at each of their classes, and will do so until they grow old enough to ditch me and want their grandfather to come and talk about the Middle East.

Childhood issues don't really change, no matter what decade you're a child in, do they?

No, childhood issues don't change. Sibling rivalry, dreams of glory, envy, loneliness, needing someone to love, the longing for safety, the longing for independence, and on and on and on-all are part of our shared history.

You've also written some very important non-fiction books - "Necessary Losses," "Grown-up Marriage," "Imperfect Control," as well as "People and Other Aggravations." Before we talk about those, we have to discuss your decision to go back to school in your 40's, to study Freudian psychology. What prompted that move?

Judith Viorst books include several written for children.


I went back to school to study psychoanalytic theory for six years not to become a therapist (though I did work as a therapist for a couple of years as part of my training) but to enrich my writing. Everything I write -- for kids and adults, in poetry and prose, serious and funny -- is about our inner lives and our relationships with others. Though by no means a perfect tool for understanding who we are and why we do what we do, I found-and still find-psychoanalytic theory a wonderful resource, a wonderful well to dip into.

Some women feel that life is over after they've sent their kids off to college. Yet, obviously, you never saw it that way. You just began a new chapter! What would you like to say to women out there, that think it's too late to pursue their dreams?

I really don't know anyone who felt their lives were over when they sent their kids off to college. Everyone I know found something exciting to learn, some meaningful way to help the world, a whole new career to pursue. To any woman who thinks that it's too late to pursue a dream, all I can say, to not coin a phrase, is Yes, you can.

Your training in psychology, of course, led to the books I mentioned earlier, which deal with important life issues. "Necessary Losses" was on the New York Times bestseller list for two years. Let's talk about some of the losses we need to accept in life, so that we can move forward.

The losses I wrote about in "Necessary Losses" begin with the loss of leaving the safety of our mother's arms and trying to make our separate way in the world and include: the loss of the dream of exclusive, indivisible love (instead of having to share love with our brothers and sisters and mothers and fathers); the loss of freedom that comes with the acquisition of a conscience and sense of guilt; the loss of the unrealistic expectations we lay on our families, on friendship, on marriage and on parenthood; the loss of our younger selves as we grow older and then old; and, of course, the inevitable loss-of others, of our selves-through death. My book's argument is that all of these losses can lead-if we consciously work at them-to hard-won but valuable gains.

You have maintained a very long and happy marriage. You've also written a book ("Grown-Up Marriage") on the subject! What's the secret?

The secret of a happy marriage above all else is hanging in there and seeing the marriage as a THIRD THING, as a creation a husband and wife keep building together and are willing to make certain sacrifices for -- sacrifices not to him, not to her, but to this third thing that we both value. I have a very long list of other things in my book "Grown-up Marriage" that I think go into making a marriage good. But hanging in there and hard work really help.

So many of your books are filled with humor. I'm guessing that you believe, as I do, that laughter is the best medicine?

I can't imagine life without humor. There are so many moments, especially in the course of marriage and motherhood, when the only two options seem to be laughter or homicide. You might as well laugh.

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]]>booksinterviewjudith viorstJudithViorstmarlo thomasthe editors at MarloThomas.comFri, 03 Jun 2011 16:00:00 ESTMotherhood Moments: More Than a Strike, She Quit!http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/08/motherhood-moments-more-than-a-strike-she-quit/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/08/motherhood-moments-more-than-a-strike-she-quit/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/08/motherhood-moments-more-than-a-strike-she-quit/#commentsFiled under: ,

Jessica Anya Blau

Jessica Anya Blau with her mother, Bonnie Blau Credit: Jessica Anya Blau

Around the time I was 8, when my sister, Becca, was 11, and my brother, Josh, was 3, my mother told Becca and me: "I quit."

"Quit what?" I asked.

"Being a housewife," she said. "I'm done." And she was.

My sister and I were given a tour of the house that started with the washer and dryer, moved to the kitchen (where the stove flame terrified me), went to the hall closet (where mops, buckets and the vacuum cleaner were stored) and ended in our bedrooms where we were given instructions on how to use the new alarm clocks we each had so we could wake ourselves up, pack lunches and get to school on time.

My sister was, and still is, incredibly fast-moving, tidy and efficient. She took on some of the chores and what she didn't do just didn't get done. A postcard taped to one of the kitchen cupboards said, "This house is clean enough to be healthy and messy enough to be happy." I'm not sure if an inspector would have agreed on the health of the kitchen (the white floor was black with dirt), but, for the most part, we were happy.

When I wrote a fictionalized version of my mother quitting in my novel "Drinking Closer to Home," critics who were praising the book wrote about the "abusive" mother and described the children as "survivors." I am touched by the response to the book and have no intention of trying to tell anyone who read it that they read it wrong. It's fiction, and, if they saw abuse in there, then so be it.

But, when I think about my mother (other than when I was writing the book), I never think about the fact that she didn't pack my lunch, or pick me up from school, or hem my pants. (A
friend's mother once scowled at my rolled up jeans and said, "Doesn't your mother hem your pants?" "No," I said, as what else was there to say?)

What I think about is how much fun it is to hang out with my mother. When my friends and I came home from school and put on the latest album full-blast in the living room (Rolling Stones, "Some Girls"), my mother danced with us, doing the Funky Chicken and harmonizing with Mick.

As a kid, if I walked into a room and she was standing there, she would pull me toward her, hug me in tightly and kiss the top of my head or my cheeks. If I was ever scared, or couldn't sleep, or had a nightmare, no matter how old I was, I could climb into bed, cozy up and sleep with my mom (and my dad).

I never woke up in their bed, but it was nice to fall asleep there. If any of her children were sad or crying, she would hold and snuggle them until the trauma had passed. When we laughed, she laughed with us -- she laughs at everything, big and loud, the way good friends laugh.

No one I knew as a teenager could talk to their mother the way Josh, Becca and I talked to our mom. We told her about boyfriends, or difficult friendships, or teachers -- she listened carefully, never judged, and only offered advice when asked.

When I tried out new thrift-store fashions in college, or when I wore ridiculously thick eye-liner and colored my brown hair orangey-red, she insisted I looked gorgeous (I have the pictures to prove her wrong!). In short, my mother has never been critical of anything Becca, Josh and I have done. We are brilliant in her eyes, beautiful no matter what, and, as her Vermont relatives always say, "funny as hell."

If a mother is someone who packs your lunch, hems your pants and mops the kitchen floor, then I grew up without a mother. But if a mother is someone who supports you, cherishes you and stands behind you no matter what, then I have one of the best mothers in world.

In the end, it comes down to love. From the time we were children, through today, my brother, sister and I have been given enough love to sustain us all for the next hundred years.

Jessica Anya Blau is the author of newly released "Drinking Closer to Home," which has been called "a raging success" and "unrelentingly sidesplittingly funny." Her first novel, "The Summer of Naked Swim Parties," was picked as a Best Summer Book by "The Today Show," the New York Post and New York Magazine. Jessica lives in Baltimore and teaches at Goucher College. Read her blog on Red Room.

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]]>Jessica Anya Blaumothers dayRed_RoomJessica Anya BlauSun, 08 May 2011 11:00:00 ESTMotherhood Moments: Try a Little Selfishnesshttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/08/try-a-little-selfishness/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/08/try-a-little-selfishness/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/08/try-a-little-selfishness/#commentsFiled under: , ,

elizabeth eslami

Elizabeth Eslami and mother. Credit: Elizabeth Eslami

When I was 10, my mother took me out to the shed behind our house to ask me if she should divorce my father.

"I'm thinking of leaving him," she said. "But you need to know what that would mean."

She explained that she would have to go back to work for the first time since my brother and I were born, irregular hours and night shifts, that we'd have to leave the house, definitely our school, probably our friends. She spoke of my father as a dream killer, a Grimm's fairytale devil who revealed his black heart only after they'd married. She said much about him -- speaking more to herself than to me -- while I grabbed tufts of a discarded shag carpet and held fast.

"You have to decide," she said, gagging on tears. "Are you willing to make those sacrifices?"

She asked me that question 23 years ago, and though I recall the shed's plywood walls and the oil stains from my father's weed eater, I can't remember how I answered. I remember the queasy certainty that this decision wasn't mine to make, that it required special information I didn't possess, like looking too many lessons ahead in my math textbook.

My mother was asking because she loved me, that I knew. She had, as always, put my interests before her own. Important decisions were handed off to me, a gift of selflessness, because my happiness was all that mattered, her future long since offered up at an altar to her children.

This is neither a story about divorce nor reconciliation.

Whatever I said, my mother didn't leave my father. We opened the door and walked across the grass, returned to what I took for normal, a life between fights, "I hate yous," springing up with the constancy of weeds. My mother would age wearing the mantle of martyr, arrows of regret protruding from her skin, while my father sleepwalked through their marriage. Both burrowed down into their neuroses.

In time, I realized that living somewhere between mutualism and parasitism, my parents probably couldn't survive on their own. Unhappily ever after, it seemed, was better than the alternative.

I think about that day as I watch my friends becoming mothers. I keep a tally of the women who announce their pregnancies with sadness at the edge of their faces. This baby who will save a floundering marriage, bring meaning to an empty life, honor a deceased sister, do what I always wanted to do (but didn't), who will bring us closer together, heal old wounds, this creature who will serve as the next great step. Becoming a real woman, which for them means becoming a mother.

I marvel at what these babies must accomplish -- superheroes all, before they are even born.

One by one, my friends' children grow up beautiful and free, playing among the fragments of their mothers' lost desire. The new jobs that aren't applied for, the books never written, the trips never taken, sacrifices made each moment with varying degrees of regret, or sometimes no regret at all. Because the truth is, none of these mothers will regret their sacrifices any more than they'll regret having their children.

But these sacrifices run deep. Each one leaves a scar.

It is believed that infants are born with the ability to recognize faces, to pick out eyes instantly. Almost immediately, a baby bonds to her mother's voice; before she is old enough to understand her separateness, she will match her emotions to her mother's. A smile for a smile, worry for worry. We like to tell ourselves that children are close to angels, that they possess a pure understanding of the world. If so, what must they make of those scars, the million dim dreams in their mothers' eyes?

If I could have 23 years ago, I'd have asked my mother to give herself permission to make her own choices. To take the job, go on the trip. I'd tell my friends to make themselves happy first, their children second. Because if mothers don't teach their children how to be happy by example, who will? Maybe a mother's legacy -- along with unconditional love -- should include a lesson in self-preservation. Selfishness.

Not long ago, I had lunch with my mother. "If you could do one thing with the rest of your life," I asked, "what would it be?"

"I would write," she said.

"Then why don't you?" No more children, no more sacrifices to make.

"Because there's never enough time," she said. "Always a millions things to do. Go here, go there." She looked away at a young mother with two small children, one in a stroller and the other, a toddler, at her side, yanking on her wrist.

"I wanna go!" The toddler screamed.

My mother sighed. "Maybe someday."

Elizabeth Eslami is the author of the novel "Bone Worship." Her essays and short stories have appeared in numerous publications, including Crab Orchard Review, The Millions, The Nervous Breakdown, Matador and American Literary Review. To find out more about Elizabeth's work, and to read her blog, visit Red Room.

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]]>Bone WorshipElizabeth Eslamimothers dayRed_RoomElizabeth EslamiSun, 08 May 2011 10:00:00 ESTMotherhood Moments: Raising a Girl (Not) Like Mehttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/08/raising-a-girl-not-like-me/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/08/raising-a-girl-not-like-me/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/08/raising-a-girl-not-like-me/#commentsFiled under: , ,

jenny block and daughter

Jenny Block and her daughter. Credit: Jamie Abbott

I remember being scared. That's what I remember most about bringing my daughter home from the hospital 12 years ago, being scared. She was so tiny and perfect. A clean slate. I was afraid I would mess her up. What if I dropped her when I was carrying her? What if I smooshed her while we were sleeping? What if I cut her while trimming her nails?

After I had exhausted the physical fears, the emotional ones started racing through my brain. How do I invoke self-confidence? How do I inspire inner-strength? How do I support her in her journey without usurping it for myself? It was that final question that stuck.

Ask anyone who knows me, and they'll tell you I have a very big personality. I know what I like. I want what I want. I have no tolerance for intolerance. And I imagine the world could be a different place if we all put our energy towards peace and justice instead of money and dominance.

I knew I wanted to raise a daughter who believed in truth and equality. But I also knew I wanted to raise a daughter who was her own person. I get so queasy around helicopter moms and parents who mold their children into a hyper-version of themselves. I wanted Emily to be Emily.

The powerful thing about raising an independent daughter is that she grows into her own person.

The painful thing is that, well, she grows into her own person.

My goal has always been to give her information and allow her choices. That's not to say that I let her eat nothing but junk. But I don't force Brussels sprouts when she'll eat broccoli without argument. And I don't care if she wears the same jeans three days in a row. Nor do I bother her if I think her outfit looks more like a costume. So mimics most of what's on the runways these days.

I do care about her grades. But I care more that she cares about her grades. I want her to make friends. But what I want more is for her to be invested in building good relationships. I hope she feels pulled to be a steward of the Earth and a positive force in the universe. But what I hope for even more is that a desire for that grows from within her without my saying a word.

I want her to want to be the amazing person I know she can be.

So, sometimes she gets Cs and sometimes she wears her hair in a way I know she'll regret when she sees pictures 10 years from now. Sometimes she makes bad choices when it comes to friends and sometimes she gets scolded at school. But she always comes out knowing where she went wrong and how the mistakes she made were no one's but her own.

For some reason I have always been particularly sensitive about what extra-curricular activities she was involved in. I didn't want to force her into the things I did -- dancing and acting and arts and crafts. But I didn't want to deter her from those if they were something she was interested in.

So, even when she was small, I showed her the brochures and let her choose. And you know what? She almost always chose exactly what I would have chosen. OK, so she ice skated for a while (and the only place I think ice belongs is in one's drink). But other than that, she couldn't be more my girl.

She's far more talented in the art department than I, but is equally drawn to the materials, as I always have been. She was too nervous to audition for plays when she was younger, but, still, she loves the theater. I didn't create a mini-me; I facilitated the creation of who she was meant to be.

You know, I took her to her first Nia class a few weeks back, and that's when I knew everything I had been working towards was truly coming together. Nia is a somatic-based movement practice. In other words, a dance class that tends to mind and spirit, as well as body. It's all about awareness and intention and listening to your body. The first time I took her I was amazed at how she instantly "got it."

"It's like your whole body is awake," she said to me. "I bet the whole world would stop fighting if they danced together. I don't know why. But I just felt like crying."

I couldn't have said it better myself.

And now, as we dance together, I can see I have done precisely as I have hoped by raising a girl (not) like me.

A former college English instructor, Jenny Block is a freelance writer for numerous print and online publications and the author of "Open: Love, Sex, and Life in an Open Marriage." She is also the bi-monthly sex columnist for FoxNews.com. Read her blog on Red Room.

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]]>and Life in an Open MarriageJenny Blockmothers dayOpen: LoveRed_RoomSexJenny BlockSun, 08 May 2011 09:00:00 ESTMotherhood Moments: Passing On a Love of Wordshttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/08/passing-on-a-love-of-words/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/08/passing-on-a-love-of-words/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/08/passing-on-a-love-of-words/#commentsFiled under: , ,

zoe fitzgerald

Zoe FitzGerald Carter with her mother and daughter. Credit: Zoe FitzGerald Carter

If childhood had a soundtrack, mine would be the hammering keys and intermittent "ping" of a busy typewriter.

From as far back as I can remember, my mother would regularly disappear into her study to write on her IBM Selectric, emerging hours later with piles of papers and empty coffee cups, with a dreamy, satisfied expression on her face. When I was in elementary school, she was working on a master's degree in literature, and, by the time I started high school, she had begun an autobiographical novel that would consume her for the rest of her life.

Although I occasionally resented these absences, I was intensely curious about what went on behind that closed study door. What could possibly demand so much of her attention? Then, in third or fourth grade, she gave me a little blue diary with a golden lock and key, and I got my first inkling that writing down one's private thoughts and observations could be kind of ... thrilling.

I'll never forget the delicious anticipation of taking my diary out to the back yard and opening it up to a fresh page. And what did it matter that I wrote things like, "Our cat had kittens today" or "I hate my sister?" A writer was born.

Recognizing a kindred spirit, my mother took me under her wing. Together, we'd pour over my stories and school papers, discussing the finer points of grammar or word choice. Thanks to her tutorials, by the time I left home I could write a well-crafted essay or research paper in my sleep.

But I had learned about more than just form and structure; I had learned to care about precision and clarity in language. My mother's fierce interest in the rhythm and beauty of words had sparked an answering passion in me and this passion would lead me to my career as a professional writer.

The years passed, I moved away, married, had two children and continued to write. Then, in my early 30s, my father died and my mother asked me to help her edit her novel. I immediately agreed, grateful for the excuse it would give us to regularly get together. We soon fell into a comfortable -- and comforting -- routine. Every few weeks, she would come up to New York from her home in Washington, D.C. and stay with me. We would lie at either end of the couch passing pages of her manuscript back and forth, along with a plate of cheese or fruit, and talk about my various cuts and changes. Although our roles as editor/writer were reversed, it felt like old times.

My mother's book needed a lot of paring down -- it was well over 1,000 pages at this point -- but I soaked up every word. At last, I had access to the mysteries of my private, self-contained mother! Riveted, I read about her unhappy childhood: Her glamorous, neglectful parents, her stiff elderly grandparents who took her in when her parents disappeared. I drank it all in, amazed that she'd emerged from this lonely childhood such a strong and independent-minded woman, determined to have a different kind of family -- a different kind of life.

As her editor this time around, I was ostensibly her "teacher," but I quickly understood that I was still learning from her. No longer about grammar and language, but about the value and importance of looking inward, of observing and understanding yourself, and then capturing those insights on the page. This is what she had been doing for all those years in her study, I thought, grateful to have been brought into that process.

In the end, my mother never published her book. I think she couldn't bear to expose so much of herself to the world. But one of the last things she said to me before she died was that she had led a writer's life and that she was proud of her choices. She had no regrets.

There have been many moments since my mother's death in 2001 when I have missed her. On holidays and birthdays certainly, but even more so, on the day I sold my first book. But whenever one of my daughters hands me something they've written and says, "Mom, can you read this for me?" I feel her right there beside me.

Zoe FitzGerald Carter is an author and journalist who has written for numerous publications, including The New York Times, Vogue and Salon. She is the author of the memoir "Imperfect Endings: A Daughter's Story of Love, Loss and Letting Go." "Imperfect Endings" was featured in O magazine, and was chosen as a Barnes & Noble Discover Great New Writers pick. Read her blog on Red Room.

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]]>Imperfect Endings: A Daughters Story of LoveLoss and Letting Gomothers dayRed_RoomZoe FitzGerald CarterZoe FitzGerald CarterSun, 08 May 2011 08:00:00 ESTMotherhood Moments: Coping with Mother's Day When Mom is in Decline or Gonehttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/06/motherhood-moments-coping-with-mothers-day-when-mom-is-in-decl/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/06/motherhood-moments-coping-with-mothers-day-when-mom-is-in-decl/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/06/motherhood-moments-coping-with-mothers-day-when-mom-is-in-decl/#commentsFiled under: , ,

Jo Maeder and her mother. Credit: Portrait Innovations

What happens when a cynical hard-core New Yorker reluctantly moves to the South to care for the mother who always drove her crazy? To her (my) surprise, she falls madly in love with both.

Unfortunately, one was not destined to last.

It was Mama Jo's inability to live alone and horrifying hoarding, and a drop in income on my end, that brought us together. Once out of her depressing home and into a new clean one with me, the adventures began. We explored wineries all over North Carolina, spent an evening in the company of a few male strippers and a lot of out-of-control women, and climbed naked into a hot tub in the woods. Then she couldn't get out. It was hilarious after I triumphantly used muscles I didn't know I had.

A bevy of drop-dead gorgeous drag queens hosting a bingo fundraiser serenaded her on her 83rd birthday. Then she joyously danced with one of them. I displayed her entire massive doll collection for the first time in 40 years (and to my shock fell in love with them, as well). A long-fractured family finally came together. The few years we had together were some of the best of my life, and hers.

I always know when the anniversary of Mama Jo's passing is approaching. The bluebirds begin making their first nest of the year in the box outside the kitchen window. This time, it marked five years since I lost her. I still miss her terribly, talk to her, cry over her. It doesn't get easier. Knowing I'm not alone and that this is normal is a consolation. And that "anticipatory grief" is worse.

I was warned by a hospice worker when my mother was deemed "actively dying" that I was going through the most difficult part. In hindsight, it was true. Helplessness and sadness engulfed me as I faced the fact that my mother was never going to leave our house again alive.

What should I say to her now, or not say? Do, or not do? I would cling to the slightest hope that she was getting better. She ate a little more today! She slept less! I'd sit in the driver's seat of the car that had taken us on so many journeys filled with tender and insightful conversations and sob uncontrollably at the thought that there would be no more. It was pure hell for three-and-a-half months.

And then, relief.

I describe it in the memoir I wrote about the experience as feeling like I'd been climbing a mountain with a backpack strapped on and having no idea how heavy it was until I took it off. But what beautiful vistas I saw while hiking.

After Mama Jo's death I was concerned I wouldn't be able to handle Mother's Day. The opposite has happened. It feels as though every day is Mother's Day. I'm forever connected to her in a way I wasn't when she was still here.

If you are facing the loss of Mom or any loved one, here's my advice: Be there. Just sit, hold their hand, and quietly be present. I wish I'd done more of that and less worrying about the loss. And brought more drag queens into the mix.

Jo Maeder wrote "When I Married My Mother," the true story of leaving her life as a New York City radio DJ to move to the Bible Belt to care for her estranged, eccentric mother. What she thought would be some of the worst years of her life were, in fact, some of the best. To find out more about Jo, and to read her book, visit Red Room.

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]]>Jo Maedermothers dayRed_RoomWhen I Married My MotherJo MaederFri, 06 May 2011 15:00:00 ESTBooks for Kids Full of Gender Biases, Report Showshttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/05/books-for-kids/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/05/books-for-kids/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/05/books-for-kids/#commentsFiled under: , ,

books for kids

Books for kids show gender bias. Credit: Getty

It's hard to escape the boy's club -- even when it comes to books for kids.

A new study shows a sizable gender bias when it comes to the last century of children's literature, The New York Times reports, with male heroes (think Curious George, Winnie the Poo and Babar) far outnumbering female characters.


Published in April's Gender and Society journal, the study that looked at almost 6,000 children's books published between 1900 and 2000, found 57 percent featured a main male character, while just 31 percent focused on a female. The other 12 percent are assumed gender-neutral, according to the newspaper.

When it came to central animal characters, 23 percent were male, compared to 7.5 percent female, and, The Times notes, Mother Duck in "Make Way for Ducklings" was the only female animal character to star in a Caldecott-winning book.

If that doesn't have feminists shouting "The sky is falling!", the study also finds that while one-third of each year's kid's books include a main female adult woman or animal character, 100 percent of books feature a male adult or animal.

Madeline, Beezus and the old woman in the shoe might want to caucus.

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]]>books for kidskids booksLesley KennedyThu, 05 May 2011 13:00:00 ESTLullaby and Goodnight, Now 'Go the F@#! to Sleep'http://www.parentdish.com/2011/04/27/lullaby-and-goodnight-now-go-the-f-to-sleep/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/04/27/lullaby-and-goodnight-now-go-the-f-to-sleep/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/04/27/lullaby-and-goodnight-now-go-the-f-to-sleep/#commentsFiled under: , , ,

Go the F to sleep

For those nights when "hush, little baby" just doesn't cut it. Credit: Amazon

When "nighty-night" or "hush, little baby" just aren't helping to lull your screaming baby to sleep, you may be tempted to take some cues from a new bedtime story: "Go the F@#k to Sleep."

It's a thought that has probably crossed the minds of many an exhausted parent at 3 a.m., when the wee one refuses shut eye. Now, novelist Adam Mansbach has put the idea to pen in his children's book "Go the F.... to Sleep," which is not due out until next October, and is actually not for kids, he tells "Today."

An excerpt from the book:

"The cats nestle close to their kittens.
The lambs have laid down with the sheep.
You're cozy and warm in your bed, my dear.
Please go the f@#k to sleep."

"Hopefully, the book is very reflective of what we all feel putting our kids to bed," Mansbach tells the news show. "We all love our kids -- it's not like we stop loving our kids -- but as the minutes tick by, we'll do anything to get out of that room."

A visiting professor of fiction at Rutgers University, Mansbach is dad to a 2-year-old daughter, Vivien.

He says he hopes the book will be a fun moment of relief for sleep-deprived parents, telling "Today" that despite the "tremendous culture of parenting," there's a lot that doesn't get talked about.

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]]>book for parentsGo the F.... to SleepMary Beth SammonsWed, 27 Apr 2011 13:00:00 ESTCrazy U, or, Getting Your Kid Into College: Author Q&Ahttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/04/05/getting-into-college/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/04/05/getting-into-college/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/04/05/getting-into-college/#commentsFiled under: , ,

getting into college

Crazy U. Credit: Andrew Ferguson

Add this to the laundry list of things that were simpler when you were a kid: Applying to college.

Back then you selected your reach and safety schools, filled out the applications, wrote an essay, dropped it in the mail and hoped for the best. Today it's like trying out for the Olympics -- after so diligently researching and preparing, let alone being in possession of excellent credentials, even the cream of the crop seems to get rejected.

ParentDish spoke with Andrew Ferguson, author of "Crazy U: One Dad's Crash Course on Getting His Kid Into College," about the 18-month process that nearly put him over the edge. Following is an edited version of that conversation.

ParentDish: What is the college application process like today?
Andrew Ferguson: You get pulled in five or six different directions at once. It's sort of like if you're trying to buy a luxury good that you can't really afford, where there are so many different kinds on offer and everybody is trying to pretend that theirs is completely unique, and by implication the other guy's luxury goods aren't as good as theirs.

PD: Ugh.
AF: I discovered this iron law of nature called the Principle of Constant Contradiction where if you're seeking advice about college admissions, for every piece of advice you get, within a week you will get a totally opposite piece that cancels it out.

PD: Sounds exasperating.
AF: It's especially bad on the Web. Somebody on College Confidential or [similar] bulletin boards will write, "You know, you really ought to give flowers to your counselor who writes your recommendation," and then someone writes, "No! That would be a bribe!" Meanwhile they're all people who have Internet names like PuppyWuppy and LoveSavage69. So you, as a parent, are thinking, "OK. Which is the crank? Is PuppyWuppy crazier than LoveSavage69?"

PD: Everything seems so arbitrary. How can a parent stay sane?
AF: That's why I wrote the book the way I did, which is as a story rather than as a long series of tips. The thing that really gets you through, and this sounds slightly sentimental, is your bond with your kid. In a way, you're both doing this for each other.

PD: How long did it take you to figure that one out?
AF: The ultimate piece of advice I give people, which sounds so banal is, "Relax. Believe it or not, just relax." There's nothing more infuriating than telling someone who's nervous to "relax." It could really send you around the bend. If I had a dime for every time somebody told me to relax in this process I could afford my son's tuition bill.

author andrew ferguson

Author Andrew Ferguson; Credit: Jack Shafer


PD: Ha!
AF: The vast majority of kids end up going to one of the top three schools that they wanted to go to. And any type of heartbreak that they endure is certainly going to be temporary. They end up in a place where they're happy and if they're meant to be happy and lead happy and fulfilling lives, they will, regardless of where they went to school.

PD: It sounds like you were very hands-on. Is this high level of parental involvement a fairly new phenomenon?
AF: I'd say at the intensity it is now, yes. It was about the early '90s where there was a tremendous increase in the amount of marketing and the pressure and this sense that kids had to go college to succeed. Something happened in the past 15 years to convince people that you cannot be happy in life unless you've got a college education. I think that is sort of disgraceful, in a way. And it becomes a self-fulfilling thing.

PD: How do the admissions officers handle this intense process?
AF: My impression is that these admissions officers are really tortured people. On the one hand, they know that they have to distance themselves from all this craziness and kind of tut-tut and say, "Oh, isn't it awful that it is this way," while on the other hand they're in a professional situation that demands they perpetuate the system they're supposedly finding so annoying.

PD: What do you know now that you wish you had known then?
AF: I wish I had been more selective in what I read, where I took advice. The Internet bulletin boards like College Confidential, I found to just be worthless precisely because there was no principle of selectivity. You simply couldn't figure out what was true and what wasn't. There are really good Web resources like the Department of Education's College Navigator. I wish I had known about that because that is fantastic data that they have. It's all very current, it's all been fact-checked and it's indispensable.

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]]>authorauthor QAJulie Z. RosenbergTue, 05 Apr 2011 10:00:00 ESTBethenny Frankel Dishes on Motherhood, In-laws and Her Latest Bookhttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/25/bethenny-frankel/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/25/bethenny-frankel/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/25/bethenny-frankel/#commentsFiled under: , ,

bethenny frankel

Credit: Paul Zimmerman, Getty Images

It didn't take long for Bethenny Frankel to become the fan favorite on Bravo's "The Real Housewives of New York City."

The reality star, natural foods chef and best-selling author soon scored her own spin-off, "Bethenny Getting Married?" -- in which she wed love Jason Hoppy and delivered their daughter, Bryn -- and currently stars in "Bethenny Ever After."

In her latest book, "A Place of Yes," Frankel, 40, lists 10 rules "for getting everything you want out of life."

ParentDish recently spoke with Frankel about her latest book, motherhood and dealing with her in-laws. An edited version of the interview follows.

ParentDish: What does the title "A Place of Yes" mean?
Bethenny Frankel: It does not mean a way to the power of positive thinking. It means a way to get there. You don't have to want what I want. It's about how to plow through and get there. It's how I got to where I am from coming from a place of yes. So many people told me no and how it couldn't happen. I kind of just knew in my gut that I could make things happen.

PD: There are 10 rules in the book. What do you think is the most important one?
BF: I would say maybe all roads lead to Rome, because people worry about the right job and it has to be the perfect situation. And all roads lead to Rome is kind of about getting on the road; it doesn't matter if you get derailed or have to stop, as long as you are moving forward, you can get to your destination one way or another.

PD: You talk a lot about your dysfunctional childhood. What do you carry over from it?
BF: I'm controlling and micromanaging and I have a hard time just being in the moment and I'm obsessive.

PD: You don't speak to Jill from "Real Housewives" at all anymore, right?
BF: No, we don't speak at all. Listen, I have boyfriends that I lived with that I broke up with that I don't speak to, you know. We met briefly before the show, but ultimately our friendship began and ended on reality TV. The way it went down was extremely difficult because my father passed away, I was in a new relationship and being pregnant. The way it went down was really not ideal.

PD: Do you think the housewives are getting out of control?
BF: I think, in a lot of cases, housewives get rewarded for bad behavior, me included. Reality TV is a stressful situation, and, for some people, they act in very different ways and I don't think it's necessarily ideal for everybody.

PD: How has motherhood changed you?
BF: My priorities totally changed. I wake up in the morning and the minute I hear her I want to run to her. If I go to L.A. for work, I'll take a red-eye and not stay overnight so I can come back and see her. I just want to be with her every single minute. I've been listening to every woman who says it flies by, and it really does. That will be problematic for me; I can already see that being my issue. I'm going to have a really hard time letting go.

PD: Your mother has said that you aren't telling the truth about your childhood. Does that bother you?
BF: No, it doesn't upset me at all. Did she have any idea I would become this successful and have an audience that listens to what I say and that I would write books? No. I feel compassion for her, because in order for me to tell my story in my book, in order for me to write about how I got here, I can't just leave a giant chunk of my life out.

... That was a choice I had to make. I don't really blame people for their actions that much. I understand why she provided photos of me to different outlets when I was younger. While I was in my childhood, I didn't think it was all that traumatic. It's just what I knew and there were a lot of really great times, especially with my mother, because we were definitely more friends than a mother-daughter relationship.

PD: Do you realize now that it wasn't a healthy relationship?
BF: Yeah. My mom was the cool mom. I was going to nightclubs when I was 13 and all that stuff. I was quite advanced at a young age. I heard every argument that ever happened in my house. If Jason and I are even raising our voices, I don't want Bryn to hear that. Not that I want her to think she's growing up in some perfect life or anything. It's just that I don't want a baby to hear any kind of raised voices.

PD: You also write that women should have sex with their husbands even when they're not in the mood.
BF: You just don't want to be the girl five years in, always saying no and in a raggedy robe. You want to try and come from a place of yes.

PD: So, do the producers want you to do goofy things on your show?
BF: Not on my show. That's why Max got fired (recently), to be perfectly honest. I didn't want someone who wanted to be funny and come up with quips. It actually really annoyed me. In reality, he'd be two hours late and he'd want to take a cab instead of the subway and I'm big on work ethic. You think this is a TV show -- this is my life. I get in wicked fights with my producers. There will not be a word out of place. If it's not something I said or did, it will not be on the show or I'll never do the show again. I have a serious foot-down mantra.

PD: I hope you're not offended, but I'm on Team Jason regarding issues with his parents. Your daughter is so lucky to have grandparents who adore her.
BF: I'm not offended. I do understand and I love them and they're wonderful. I don't need them to be here every two weeks staying over and vice versa. It's a 50/50 split as to what people think. Guilt shouldn't be a reason for doing things. I want my family and I have to have quality time, too. We need to have our own life. We need to have our own moments together and then share them with other people. I totally get where you're coming from, but it's a balance. Jason and his parents are very talkative and, on a TV show, that's really nice for an hour, but when you've been together for three days in a row you can imagine. That's fine if it's occasional, every week it's too much.

PD: How old were you when you got over your eating issues?
BF: In my early 30s. It was a trip to Italy where I decided I'm going to eat and my jeans are going to zip up the same. I'm going to have wine and gelato and that's where your diet is a bank account was born. Before this book of yes, "Naturally Thin" was my single greatest work achievement. It just changed people's lives. It's years later and it's still in the top 500 books on Amazon. I wouldn't change a word and it's years later. It just helps so many people with their food noise.

PD: Isn't it amazing that five years ago you were broke?
BF: Four years ago. My accountant came to me the other day and said your tax return in 2007 was negative $50,000, and it was way worse the year before.

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]]>A Place of YesBethenny FrankelinterviewNicki GostinFri, 25 Mar 2011 16:00:00 EST'Positive Discipline for Children With Special Needs': Author Q&Ahttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/24/positive-discipline-for-children-with-special-needs/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/24/positive-discipline-for-children-with-special-needs/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/24/positive-discipline-for-children-with-special-needs/#commentsFiled under: ,

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positive discipline Children with special needs need discipline, just like every other kid on the planet. How else are they going to learn about limits and boundaries, right from wrong and the basics of socially acceptable behavior?

According to the authors of the new book "Positive Discipline for Children with Special Needs," there's "a huge temptation for many parents of children with special needs" to pamper their kids.

But, they say, that only does the child a disservice. All children, including those with special needs, deserve the chance to feel capable, important and self-possessed, all of which can be learned using the tools in "Positive Discipline."

ParentDish recently spoke with two of the book's three authors, Steven Foster, L.C.S.W., and Arlene Raphael, M.S. An edited version of the conversation follows.

ParentDish: What makes this book different and useful for parents of children with special needs?
Steven Foster: In all the "Positive Discipline" books, which essentially deal with helping children who are behaving in ways that parents and teachers wish they wouldn't, we're trying to figure out what a child's mistaken belief about belonging and significance is, in order to help them express their need differently. In this book, we arrived at a concept we call "innocent behavior."

author steven foster

Author Steven Foster

PD: What's that?
SF: There are lots of conditions that drive kids to behave in particular ways. For example, kids with attention deficit disorder are often going to be impulsive or unable to focus. When kids are behaving in ways dictated by their conditions, they really are behaving innocently. In other words, they're not doing it to make us mad. One of the big thrusts of the book is to be able to differentiate between a behavior driven by a particular condition (innocent behavior) and a behavior that is reflective of mistaken goals about belonging and significance.

PD: What's a "mistaken goal"?
SF: Here's an example: If I'm leading a (preschool) circle time and I have a child who is interrupting me because she really wants to tell me something. I at first say, "Nope, not now. I need to first finish what I am saying and then I will listen." She might stop for a minute or two, but then feel compelled to start interrupting again. That is a mistaken goal called "undue attention," which means in that moment, what that child believes about belonging and being important, involves being the center of attention.

PD: How can you tell the difference between innocent behavior and mistaken goals?
SF: There are clues to mistaken goal behavior. For undue attention, often, the first clue is the adult being annoyed. And then a behavioral clue would be, "Am I intervening with a child who might stop briefly, but then might start up again?"

PD: Seems difficult to do, especially in the heat of the moment.
SF: We will misinterpret things and it then becomes our job to mend fences. ... It's really OK for parents to make mistakes. In the long run, kids aren't going to learn to fix mistakes unless they see us making them and making a point of fixing them.

PD: If we can't tell, how do we know what methods to use?
SF: The range of "Positive Discipline" tools will be helpful, whether or not you know if the behavior is innocent or mistaken.

author arlene raphael

Author Arlene Raphael


PD: A lot of parents of kids with special needs make concessions. Any advice?
Arlene Raphael: In the book, we talk about how to create an environment that teaches children behaviors that are socially useful. (Parents should) try to shift away from, "Oh, my poor child has a special needs condition, we have to help him out" to "What can we teach? What can we focus on?" That shifts the focus of feeling guilty about the child's problem to being proactive and focusing on the child's strengths.

PD: Ah, guilt. The all-powerful parental guilt.
SF: Parents with kids of severe special needs or highly impacted children often feel guilty. Many feel their child is getting a raw deal in the world, and they want to make it better. That's a very universal impulse.

PD: So how do we assuage the guilt but not make concessions?
SF: In special ed terms, accommodations are things we do to help children be capable; things we can put in place so that the playing field for the child is roughly equivalent to the playing field for a child without special needs. Things like special chairs, rearranging furniture, visual symbols to help children remember things. Allowances are things like, "We need to let him take toys because he doesn't know how to ask for a turn yet." Allowances aren't all that helpful.

PD: When you put it that way, it sounds obvious.
SF: Kids with special needs have a right to struggle. That can be counter-intuitive since they're already struggling, but when we make things too easy for them, we are not helping them develop the belief about themselves that they are capable and they can learn to solve problems. And those, we believe, are universal human needs.

PD: As a parent, it's hard to deal with a child who has additional obstacles on top of the normal frustrations of being a kid.
SF: Help your child be frustrated and find ways to deal with frustration. Notice that I said, "find a way to be frustrated." We're not ever going to be able to -- nor would it be desirable -- to create worlds in which the children we raise or teach are not angry, are not disappointed, are not frustrated. We look at those sorts of things as muscles, and if you don't learn to flex them in socially appropriate ways, they don't develop. People really do need to learn how to be angry effectively and how to be frustrated or disappointed effectively.

PD: What's the main message of your book?
SF: The overwhelming need to be connected to other people in a positive way, and the overwhelming need to feel significant and capable, is equally true for children with special needs as it is for children without them. Your kids really aren't that different.

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]]>adddisciplineinterviewpositive disciplinespecial needsJulie Z. RosenbergThu, 24 Mar 2011 16:00:00 EST'Parentless Parents': Q&A With Author Allison Gilberthttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/17/parentless-parents/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/17/parentless-parents/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/17/parentless-parents/#commentsFiled under: ,

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"Parentless Parents" looks at the growing number of adults whose parents have died. Credit: Hyperion

People are living longer, but apparently not long enough to make up for the "advanced maternal age" in which women are having children today, resulting in many parentless parents and grandparentless grandchildren.

It's a growing demographic, and one that's underexplored, says Allison Gilbert, author of "Parentless Parents: How the Loss of Our Mothers and Fathers Impacts the Way We Raise Our Children." A parentless parent herself, Gilbert says she was surprised no one was writing about the phenomenon or doing the requisite research.

So, Gilbert, who lives in New York with her husband, Mark, and her children, Jake, 10, and Lexi, 8, took it upon herself to explore this emergent population. ParentDish recently spoke with her about her new book. An edited version of the conversation follows.

ParentDish: What are some of the unique challenges for a parentless parent?
Allison Gilbert: I'll give an example from my own life. When my husband's parents talk about, "Oh, your dad used to do X, Y and Z when he was a kid," or, "I remember when your dad used to do that," my kids don't have that (from my side of the family). So, as their mom, I'm less complete to them because they can hear those stories about my husband from his parents and they get to see my husband being a son (but) they don't get to see me doing those things. I'm much more one-dimensional to them.

PD: That's tough. Are there positive aspects about being a parentless parent?
AG: There are so many things that are life affirming. If you approach this in a proactive way, there are so many things you can do to keep the memory of your parents alive in very fun, creative, age-appropriate ways. When you close that last page of my book, you're not sad that you've read this book. You're actually feeling empowered and supported and you come away with great ideas.

PD: So, it's not all doom and gloom?
AG: The most important takeaway I can give to anyone who is thinking about reading the book, (is that) there is so much empowering information in here. It's not doom and gloom, it's not "woe is me." But, more than that, your children can actually benefit because you've actually been through this experience; you've learned life lessons you can actually use for your own parenting and children.

PD: Such as?
AG: Parents who have been through this loss have a very fine appreciation for what's a small problem and what's a big problem. When your kids are going through ups and downs -- "You're going to get a bad grade. That boy is going to break up with you. You're not going to make the baseball team" -- I really think that going through this experience allows you to have perspective, and that can help you help your kids also gain perspective. A parent who has gone through some negative experiences can let kids pull back the curtain and see the other side perhaps more readily.

Author Allison Gilbert. Credit: Robert Tardio


PD: You wrote a chapter about keeping the memory of your parents alive. Any examples?
AG: My father was an architect and he was involved with building the corporate offices of the New York Giants. And my son is a huge football fan. I called the Giants corporate offices, explained who I was and what my dad did and asked if I could bring my kids on a tour of the corporate offices. We got one better and went to Giants Stadium before a game and got to be on the field during warm up. My son was in heaven.

PD: How old was he when you did this?
AG: Jake was 9 1/2. I guarantee you he knows his grandfather was an architect, he knows that one of his clients was the Giants, and, for the rest of his life, he will remember that it was his grandpa who paved the way for him to have this incredibly memorable and important experience. It made my father become more real to them.

PD: Wow. That's fantastic.
AG: My mom worked in a typical office, but I did the same thing with my kids for her. I wanted them to meet her coworkers. I wanted them to see the view outside Grandma's window. I think those kinds of trips and experiences are really possible. These types of field trips have the ability to make people more real, who perhaps your children have never met.

PD: What about introducing surrogate grandparents?
AG: One of the wonderful lessons that I have come away with is that there is such a thing as redefining family. That just because your immediate family is now different than what it once was, and that the two people who you would want most to share in your children's milestones and actually applaud at your child's dance recital or cheer at your son's basketball game, they are not ever going to be replaced. But you can develop relationships with people who can fill the gap. Certainly never completely, but you can move in that direction.

PD: How does one go about finding such surrogates?
AG: There's a matter of extending yourself and realizing that these relationships aren't going to just show up. You actually have to be proactive and seek them out and be receptive to them when they materialize, because people don't know if you want that from them. If you are open and receptive, these are relationships you can gain not just for yourself, but for your kids.

Watch the "Parentless Parents" book trailer.

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]]>allison gilbertAllisonGilbertbookparentingparentlessparentless parentsParentlessParentsQAJulie Z. RosenbergThu, 17 Mar 2011 16:00:00 EST'Henry's Demons': Q&A With Author Patrick Cockburnhttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/02/patrick-cockburn/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/02/patrick-cockburn/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/02/patrick-cockburn/#commentsFiled under:

Patrick Cockburn Henry's Demons book

Patrick Cockburn's book "Henry's Demons: Living With Schizophrenia, A Father and Son's Story"


While covering the Taliban in Kabul in January 2002, Irish journalist Patrick Cockburn had a disturbing phone conversation with his wife back in London. Their 20-year-old son, Henry, had nearly drowned in freezing-cold waters near his college in Brighton, England.

Sensing Henry was a danger to himself, the police dispatched him to a mental hospital, where he was later diagnosed with schizophrenia.

ParentDish spoke with Cockburn about his new book, "Henry's Demons: Living With Schizophrenia, A Father and Son's Story," in which he and Henry write alternating chapters. An edited version of the conversation follows.

ParentDish: You didn't seem to have any denial about your son's diagnosis.
Patrick Cockburn: One could see that Henry was in the grip of a psychosis. It wasn't that they diagnosed something and I was thinking Henry's basically all right. I could see there'd been a dramatic change in him and his behavior and that he very nearly died swimming in freezing seawater.

PD: Did it seem sudden?
PC: Yes, it sort of did. This happened at the beginning of the year [2002] and I'd just seen Henry at Christmas. He'd seemed his usual funny, charming, relaxed self. Clearly there were things going on in his mind, which he's written about in the book, [but] which I didn't know about and you might get the impression from reading what he wrote that this must have stood out a mile. But honestly, it didn't.

Patrick Cockburn

Credit: Martin Hunter

PD: Did you ever blame yourself?
PC: I've gone back a thousand times in my mind, "Where did [I] go wrong? Is there something [I] could have done?" But to be honest, one can beat oneself to the death with this sort of backwards-looking speculation. It's quite easy to wallow in guilt because it makes one feel, in a funny sense, closer to the person one loves. I tried to keep that under control, not indulge in that too much.

PD: While researching this book you were surprised to discover friends and colleagues who had family members of their own that suffer from schizophrenia.
PC: Having a sister or daughter or son with [schizophrenia] is such an earthquake in a family that people don't like to share it. There's probably an element of fear there ... mental illness is something we're still frightened of, I know I am, and we ought to be, in the way that our parents were terrified, for instance, of their children getting polio.

PD: You had polio when you were a child.
PC: Yes, I was 6 years old and one of the last people to get it. There are many physical illnesses that people have a real charge of terror in them, but I think schizophrenia and mental illness have mystery and fear attached to them that not many physical illnesses do these days. A former surgeon general once said schizophrenia is to mental illness what cancer is to physical illness.

PD: What do you want people to take away from this book?
PC: I want people to know about it and not conceal it, as an incredible number of people do. I think it much better if [families] talk about it because they'll get more help from their relatives, their friends; people are understanding, people don't run away in the opposite direction.

PD: Were you at all worried your younger son, Alex (then 13, now 23), might be prone to schizophrenia?
PC: I never really wanted to raise the specter of it happening to him, but he [thought] "Hey if this happened to my brother maybe it could happen to me?" He knew it was part genetic; he has the same genes. It worried me a bit, but I think it worried him a lot, too.

PD: How has this experience changed you as a father?
PC: I'm sort of more protective. When Henry was 19 or 20 I sort of thought I should ease off, let him develop himself, develop his own life and not be the over-attentive father, but one thing this [has] taught me is that people are vulnerable in different ways at that age as they are as a child. It's difficult for a parent to know what to do about this but you can't relax. I wish you could but I don't think you can.

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]]>Julie Z. RosenbergWed, 02 Mar 2011 12:00:00 ESTAuthor Explores Lives of 'Practice Babies' Once Raised on College Campuseshttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/02/23/practice-babies/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/02/23/practice-babies/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/02/23/practice-babies/#commentsFiled under: , ,

practice babies

This semester, we'll be studying art history, geology and baby-raising. Credit: Getty

It may sound like an episode from the popular MTV hit "Teen Mom," but once upon a time, babies were fed, bathed, read nursery rhymes and rocked to sleep by 18-year-olds on college campuses across the country.

From 1919 to 1969, infants -- called "practice babies" -- were delivered from orphanages to the home economics classrooms of U.S. colleges and universities, where young women were taught the science of mothering, NPR reports.

These "practice mothers" were taught Donna Reed-like domestic arts: cooking, cleaning, running a household and being a mom. According to NPR, the infants were essentially raised by teams of college coeds.

The campus approach to parenting served as the inspiration for author Lisa Grunwald's novel "The Irresistible Henry House," leading her to take a deeper look into what life was like for practice babies and their college-aged "moms."

ParentDish caught up with Grunwald, 50, mom to Elizabeth, 18, and Jonny, 13, via phone from her New York City apartment. An edited version of the interview follows.

ParentDish: How did you discover these "practice babies?"
Lisa Grunwald: I was working on an anthology of letters written by American women at the turn of the century. I was trying to study what life was like for mothers at the time, famous and not, and was seeking the secrets of women who aspired to be Betty Crocker. I expected to find letters about making good casseroles.

But I stumbled on the Corenell University website about home economics. There, I found this snapshot of the most beguiling baby with this roguish grin who had been a "practice baby." His name was Bobby Domecon and he had been cared for by about a dozen women who took turns being his "practice mom." Domecon, is short for "domestic economics." All of the babies at Cornell had the last name: Domecon. At Illinois State University, the babies all had the last name North or South.

PD: What inspired you to write the book, and why fiction?
LG: When I first read about this, I thought it was sort of weird and a little bit creepy. But I was gripped by Bobby's story and wanted to know more. So, I found out he'd arrived malnourished, very scrawny and not healthy, but that by the time he turned 4 months old in the "practice baby" setting, he was robust and obviously much healthier. I wanted to explore this further, but there was no real information on what happened to the babies after they were returned to the orphanages as toddlers and then were adopted. I had to make it fiction.

PD: What was the thinking behind colleges setting up "practice baby" programs?
LG: At the time in which this took place, everything was considered a possible opportunity for a scientific approach, and child care was no exception. The practice houses really embraced the idea that you could learn mothering the same way you learned cooking or learned chemistry -- everything was learnable, and systems were really important. I also discovered that many of the babies were in the orphanages because their families had fallen on hard times and couldn't care for their babies. The orphanages and colleges figured this was a better place for babies to be, to be cared by a team of "moms" and with all the scientific parenting practices in place -- a strict diet, regimented nap times, etc.

PD: How widespread was the "practice baby" phenomenon?
LG: I discovered that by the 1950s, there were 40 or 50 colleges and universities throughout the country who had this program in place, or something very similar. According to one 1952 estimate, there were 41 practice baby programs around the country, including ones at Eastern Illinois State, Oregon State University, Iowa State University, East Tennessee State University and Montana State University. At Cornell University for example, eight women students lived with a resident advisor in the "practice apartment."

PD: What where you looking to discover about these babies?
LG: There are all kinds of theories on parenting babies, from Doctor Spock to the idea of attachment disorder for babies who don't form a reliable attachment with one person, and I wanted to see how children developed without that. I found that these babies would have two or three "moms" within the course of a day, and 10 or more all told. They'd take turns being "the mother" so one might put the baby to sleep for a nap, and another would be the "mom" getting the baby out of the crib.


PD: Describe how the classes worked.
LG: At Cornell, "Practice, 126," was a required course for a Bachelor of Science in home economics. Half a dozen or more students worked rotating shifts of five weeks each, weighing and measuring, feeding and changing, taking the baby out for walks and losing sleep when he cried at night. The babies were supplied by child welfare groups and leased on contract by the universities before they were eventually returned to the orphanages and put up for adoption. The "moms" were very proud of their role and even kept scrapbooks of the baby's milestones.

PD: What has happened to the practice babies?
LG: Adoption records were hard to come by and there was no evidence, because the babies weren't followed and studied as they grew up. Just a couple weeks ago, I got my first call from a woman who said her mom was one of the practice moms, but I haven't had a chance to follow up yet. So, because I couldn't find out what happened to them, I figured it would be better to try to imagine what happened. It makes a much yummier novel.

PD: What discoveries did you make about parenting from studying the practice babies?
LG: When I first heard about this, I imagined I would discover a cautious tale about over-parenting or under-parenting, or something that would show me if I did right or wrong as a mom with my own two kids. I considered myself the opposite of a helicopter mom when they were little.

But I discovered that the theories on parenting are always changing. During the early part of the century, the thinking was that virtually anything could be improved by science, so, if transportation, communication and health could, why not motherhood? And there was no evidence that this was wrong, as most of the babies were returned to the orphanages physically healthier then when they arrived.

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]]>author interviewAuthorInterviewhome economicsHomeEconomicslisa grunwaldLisaGrunwaldpractice babiesPracticeBabiesThe Irresistible Henry HouseTheIrresistibleHenryHouseMary Beth SammonsWed, 23 Feb 2011 10:00:00 ESTWhen You Say 'Thank You,' Mean It: Q&A with Author Mary O'Donohuehttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/02/21/when-you-say-thank-you-mean-it-qanda-with-author-mary-odonohu/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/02/21/when-you-say-thank-you-mean-it-qanda-with-author-mary-odonohu/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/02/21/when-you-say-thank-you-mean-it-qanda-with-author-mary-odonohu/#commentsFiled under:

when you say thank you mean it book

Credit: Adams Media

When Mary O'Donohue's son, Connor, was 5 years old, a friend of hers gave him a blue shirt as a gift. The boy was underwhelmed.

Sensing his lack of enthusiasm, O'Donohue prompted him with the old parental standby, "What do you saaay?" Connor forced the words "thank you" from his lips and went about his business. O'Donohue was mortified.

"It was an epiphany moment," she says. "I'm not teaching him to be grateful, I'm teaching him to act like he's grateful. That was a real big moment for me."

This experience led her to create exercises that would be fun, but would also teach her children to feel gratitude. She eventually turned the lessons into the book "When You Say "Thank You," Mean It ... And 11 Other Lessons for Instilling Lifelong Values in Your Children."

The book offers a year-long program full of hands-on activities, with each month focusing on a different value such as respect, compassion and integrity, without preaching.

The ideal age range for teaching kids gratitude is between ages 5 and 12, because after that, O'Donohue says, parents often get push-back from their kids. The suburban Chicago-based mom to Connor, now 14, and Grace, 9, recently spoke with ParentDish. An edited version of the conversation follows.

author mary o'donohue

Author Mary O'Donohue says monthly lessons can help kids learn gratitude. Credit: Margaret Smith

ParentDish: What do your kids think about these monthly lessons and exercises?
Mary O'Donohue: When it's "Sense of Purpose Month," my kids love the question of the day. It's my daughter's favorite month of the year. They find out interesting things about themselves. I asked them recently, "If you woke up tomorrow and went to your dream school, what would it be like?" My daughter thought about it for a moment and told me it would be all about art. I had no idea that art was that important to her.

PD: Do the exercises really take just five minutes a day?
MO: It's so quick. I have 12 different families who participated (for the book) and I had a few moms who said, "Oh, I don't know if I have time for this." And I'd say, "Just give it a chance." And, universally, all the moms who said that came back to me after they'd done their month with their family and said, "Oh, gosh. This took up no time. It was so much less than I thought."

PD: How do you get your child to say, "I'm sorry" -- and mean it -- after he or she pushes another kid on the playground?
MO: I would say to my kid, "I think you owe that child an apology when you're ready to be sorry." And I would turn to the parent and say, "I'm really sorry that my child did this. I have a policy with my child that they do not apologize insincerely. The last thing I want my child to do is give your child an insincere apology. So, I'm sorry he did that and I hope he will get to the point where he says he's sorry, but I would rather have him say it for real."

PD: Do you have any suggestions on how to get your child to write a thank you note?
MO: I make sure the children understand what it's like to be appreciated. Let them know. "I really appreciated when you helped Mom with the dishes." "You put your books away, thank you. I really appreciated that." Make them feel appreciated so that they have a concept in their brain of what it really feels like to be genuinely thanked, so they get that connection.

PD: Then what?
MO: After that, I let them play with the toys. I want them to experience this wonderful gift they've been given. I let them know that these people who love them, that gave them these gifts, get to feel the same appreciation they felt. Because it's a wonderful feeling. I'll say to my child, "Go play the video game. I'll play with you." We can take a picture of us playing the video game, we can do an interview about it, a funny little video, you can create an art project, you can do whatever you want. It's my sense that they do better when it comes from their heart.

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]]>books for parentsBooksForParentsgratitudeMary ODonohueMaryOdonohueparenting booksParentingBookssaying thank youSayingThankYouJulie Z. RosenbergMon, 21 Feb 2011 10:30:00 ESTWhen Children Die: Book Offers Guide Through Parents' Emotional Hellhttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/02/17/when-children-die-book-offers-guide-through-parents-emotional/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/02/17/when-children-die-book-offers-guide-through-parents-emotional/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/02/17/when-children-die-book-offers-guide-through-parents-emotional/#commentsFiled under: ,

Parents have no choice but to go on after losing a child. Credit: Amazon.com

When a child dies, many parents, no doubt, want to die, too.

That's not an option, of course -- especially when there are surviving children who still need their mom and dad.

But how do you keep going? While it's mostly a matter of not having a choice, psychology professor Stephen Fleming at York University in Toronto, says grieving parents do not so much "recover" as they "regenerate."

"Parenting After the Death of a Child: A Practitioner's Guide," by Fleming and Jennifer Buckle, a professor at Memorial University in Newfoundland, was written when Buckle was a graduate student at York. They interviewed numerous parents who had lost one child and had one or more surviving children.

"Dads tend to be instrumental grievers," Fleming says in a press release. "They go back to work, commit to working for the family and they tend to overcome the fear of putting their children out into an unsafe world sooner than moms do."

Mothers, he adds, are more focused on internal feelings.

"They have an almost paralyzing fear that if one child can die, another could die, as well," he says in the release. "So, often, moms are dragged back into parenting by the surviving children."

Fleming says he hopes the book will educate counselors on the often insidious forms depression, generalized anxiety disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder can take in grieving parents. Too often, he adds, parents are not properly assessed for these reactions.

For parents, Fleming says in the release, he hopes the book helps them deal with the expectations they -- and the outside world -- put on their fragile and vulnerable shoulders.

There are lessons in other parents' stories, he says.

It is healthy, for example, to honor the deceased child's memory by continuing to talk about him or her with the surviving siblings.

Fleming says in the release that there are myths surrounding the deaths of the children -- that parents are more likely to divorce or family members will be split up. Parents can play a vital role in reassuring children that these are only myths and misconceptions, he says.

Roles in a family often do change following a child's death, Fleming says, yet families survive because, well, that's what families do.

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]]>bookschild deathChildDeathdeath of a childDeathOfAChildparenting booksParentingBooksstephen flemingStephenFlemingTom HendersonThu, 17 Feb 2011 15:00:00 EST'Teenage as a Second Language': Q&A With Author Barbara Greenberg, PhDhttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/02/14/teenage-as-a-second-language/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/02/14/teenage-as-a-second-language/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/02/14/teenage-as-a-second-language/#commentsFiled under: , , ,

Your teen will talk, but you have to wait until she's ready. Credit: Adams Media

Fine. Whatever. I don't care. That's the opening to "Teenage as a Second Language: A Parent's Guide to Becoming Bilingual," a how-to guide for frustrated parents everywhere.

In the book, psychologists Barbara Greenberg and Jennifer Powell-Lunder posit that teens "make healthier decisions, cope better with peer pressure and have higher self-esteem" when parents talk to them about sensitive subjects like sex and drugs. Kind of hard to do when your children don't want to talk to you. ParentDish spoke with co-author Greenberg who says, "There are a lot of secrets that teens won't tell you, which is why we wrote the book." An edited version of the interview follows.

ParentDish: Teenagers seem to be getting younger every year. Does this mean we have to have those dreaded talks earlier?
Barbara Greenberg: As a parent, you can't suddenly start having good dialogue with your kids when they become teens. You have to start talking to them when they're very young so you set the tone of what the relationship is going to be like and so you set a high quality of trust. It's really a myth to think that once they become teenagers you can change everything.

PD: What about parents who didn't start young?
BG: There are a lot of misconceptions. First is that they don't want to talk to you. The fact is that they do want to talk to you; they just want to control the timing and style of the dialogue. The second misconception is that they don't care what you think. The fact is they care very much what you think, even more now than when they were younger. The third thing is the reason that they lie and withhold information is not because they're bad kids but because they don't want to be embarrassed or disappoint parents.

PD: Any advice on how to get teens to talk?
BG: Teenagers don't like direct requests for information. "How was your day?" goes over like a lead balloon because it's too direct, and also, because it's not a precise question. Their day's not over because they're probably on Facebook and texting until about 9 or 10 o'clock.

"How was the party?" is too direct because the kids know [what you're really asking]. I remember with my teenagers when I said "How was the party?" what I really meant was, "Were you guys smoking pot there?"

PD: Can you give an example of an indirect question?
BG: When my daughter would go out to the movies with a guy I wouldn't say, "How was the date?" I would say, "How was the movie?" It was indirect and she could control how much information she would give me. But then she'd start spilling, "I'm not sure I like him ..." They have to control the kind and the amount of disclosure.

PD: What if the parent doesn't like what he or she is hearing?
BG: Kids are most likely to talk if parents are not emotionally over-reactive. If you say you're not going to become angry and you really stick to that, they will disclose. But if you want them not to talk to you, become emotional.

PD: How involved should parents be in their teenager's life?
BG: You want to know about their safety -- where they are, what they're up to, if they're hanging out with the right group of kids, if they're making good choices. But you really don't need to know who they have crushes on, who they think is hot or who's dating who.

PD: Why not?
BG: That's another well-kept secret: Kids don't want parents to be their friends. They're humiliated if you pick them up from a party wearing really low-rise jeans and some top that shows your tummy. I know because I did it once. I got into deep trouble.

PD: What about parents who try to speak the current teen slang?
BG: Part of being a teenager is establishing your own identity, so these are words that let them be teenagers. When the parents start [speaking teen slang] it's like they're competing [with their teen]. It's embarrassing to the kids. Parents should not engage in this because that's being a friend and kids want parents.


PD: Can you talk about body language?
BG: Eighty percent of communication is nonverbal. Anything a teen says can mean something different based on the accompanying nonverbal behavior. You know the whole scenario where a kid doesn't want to talk and the parent follows the kid to his room [and] tries to go into the bedroom? The kid just needs some space. They will talk to you, but it has to be at the right time.

PD: Any other nonverbal examples?
BG: We always point our body in the direction we want our conversation to go. So if we're having a conversation with our teens and their body is pointing toward the door, it means they want to be someplace else. Pay attention to where their focus is. Say, "It seems like you don't want to talk now but later, if you're in the mood, I'll be available."

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]]>talking to teensTalkingToTeensJulie Z. RosenbergMon, 14 Feb 2011 11:00:00 EST'12 Ways to Say I Love You' Journalhttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/02/07/12-ways-to-say-i-love-you-journal/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/02/07/12-ways-to-say-i-love-you-journal/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/02/07/12-ways-to-say-i-love-you-journal/#commentsFiled under:

12 Ways to Say I Love You

Pick out a special way to tell him how much you love him this Valentine's Day. Credit: Uncommon Goods

How do I love thee? If you find yourself tongue-tied around your sweetheart or simply want to get it down on paper for time immemorial, the "12 Ways to Say I Love You" Journal is a beautiful and unique way to tell your partner just how you feel about him.

Inspirational prompts such as "My favorite way to spend the day with you ..." and "The top five songs that make me think of you ..." make it easier to get it down on paper. While there's still plenty of room for notes, photos and small mementos of your time together.

Order one now for a Valentine's Day gift he won't soon forget.

Gorgeously hand-bound in Rhode Island by artist Jason Thompson, who also created "The Parent's Field Guide to Life," which we adore.

Available at Uncommon Goods for $28.

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]]>giftsgifts for hergifts for himGiftsForHerGiftsForHimjournalshipvalentines dayValentinesDayHoney BerkMon, 07 Feb 2011 14:00:00 EST