ParentDishhttp://www.parentdish.comParentDishhttp://www.parentdish.com/media/feedlogo.gifParentDishhttp://www.parentdish.comen-usCopyright 2012 Weblogs, Inc. The contents of this feed are available for non-commercial use only.Blogsmith http://www.blogsmith.com/Link Found Between Teen Sex and Divorce Ratehttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/06/16/teen-sex-and-divorce-rate/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/06/16/teen-sex-and-divorce-rate/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/06/16/teen-sex-and-divorce-rate/#commentsFiled under: , , , ,

Teen Sex and Divorce Rate

A study has shown that teens who engage in sexual intercourse at a young age are more likely to get divorced. Credit: Getty Images

Teenage girls may want to save themselves for marriage, that is, if they want to stay married.

Researchers at the University of Iowa have found a link between teenage girls losing their virginity and the chances they'll get divorced later on.

In fact, researchers found 31 percent of women who had sex for the first time as teenagers were divorced from their first husbands within five years, and 47 percent divorced within 10 years. By comparison, only 15 percent of girls who delayed sex until adulthood were divorced within five years and only 27 percent within 10 years.

A university press release reports the risk of divorce shot up dramatically when a girl's first sexual encounter was unwanted, she had mixed feelings about it or occurred before she was 16.

Lead researcher Anthony Paik, an associate professor of sociology, examined responses from 3,793 women to the 2002 National Survey of Family Growth. The women had all been married -- at least once.

Why the link between teenage sex and divorce?

Researchers speculate related factors such as a higher number of sexual partners, pregnancies and out-of-wedlock births might contribute to the higher divorce rate.

Some 31 percent of women who lost their virginity during adolescent went on to have multiple sex partners -- compared with 24 percent among women who waited. Almost 30 percent of sexually active teenage girls got pregnant, and one in four had babies before they got married -- compared with one in 10 among the later bloomers.

"The results are consistent with the argument that there are down sides to adolescent sexuality, including the increased likelihood of divorce," Paik says in the press release. "But there's also support for the 'more sex positive' view, because if a teen delays sex to late adolescence and it is wanted, that choice in itself doesn't necessarily lead to increased risk of divorce."

According to the press release, only a small percentage of women who had sex before age 18 said it was completely wanted. Only 1 percent chose to have sex at age 13 or younger, 5 percent at age 14 or 15, and 10 percent at age 16 or 17.

Paik speculates women who had sex as teenagers were predisposed to divorce.

"The attitudes that made them feel OK about having sex as teens may have also influenced the outcome of their marriage," Paik says in the press release. "The other possibility is a causal explanation -- that the early sexual experience led to the development of behaviors or beliefs that promote divorce.

"If the sex was not completely wanted or occurred in a traumatic context, it's easy to imagine how that could have a negative impact on how women might feel about relationships, or on relationship skills," Paik adds. "The experience could point people on a path toward less stable relationships."

It's a timely topic, given the current debate over the sexualization of girls, Paik says in the release.

"This study tries to provide some answers about adolescent sexuality and the risk of marital dissolution, and the results show that both the context and early onset of first intercourse are associated with divorce."

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]]>divorceteen sexTeen Sex and Divorce RateTom HendersonThu, 16 Jun 2011 15:00:00 ESTSurviving a Summer of Shared Custodyhttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/06/10/surviving-a-summer-of-shared-custody/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/06/10/surviving-a-summer-of-shared-custody/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/06/10/surviving-a-summer-of-shared-custody/#commentsFiled under: , ,

shared custody

Juggling separate vacations with camp and daycare schedules can throw everyone off-kilter. Credit Getty Images

For divorced moms and dads, sharing custody during summer vacation can be a challenge. Juggling separate vacations with camp and daycare schedules can throw everyone off-kilter -- but these tips can help make sure your custody schedule doesn't put a damper on summer fun.

Plan ahead. Going on vacation? Be sure you and your ex reach an agreement on what your kid needs for the trip -- and who will supply it. (For example, will she need dress clothes during her visit? A new swimsuit?) A checklist in your kid's suitcase is an easy way to keep track of what was sent and what should be returned.

Set up some personal space. If your child doesn't have his own room in both parents' houses, organize space for him before he arrives. If he'll share a room with a full-time kid resident, set aside drawers or closet space for his clothes. This will help him feel like he has his own space -- and the child sharing the room won't feel as intruded upon.

Share important phone numbers. Exchange important contact numbers like your child's doctor, dentist and where you'll be staying if you're going out of town. This is especially important if your child takes regular medication. If you're the non-custodial parent, make sure you're up-to-date on your kid's medications and dosing schedule -- and stick to it. It sounds obvious, but discontinuing meds without consulting your child's doctor may be dangerous to your child's health.

It's okay if they miss home. If your kid complains that she misses her other parent, be supportive -- and know that she's confiding her innermost feelings to you, not necessarily claiming a preference. Look for ways to calm her down and don't take it personally (and definitely don't use it as a license to bad-mouth your ex).

There's company in numbers. Let your kid's friends visit. Allowing older kids to bring their friends along when they visit is a surefire way to guard against boredom -- and keep them grounded when they miss their normal surroundings.

Remember to have fun! Plan activities beforehand to ensure your kid will look forward to her visit. If you're a working parent, day camps are always a big hit. Or, take time off and plan a special trip together.

Think quality, not quantity. By the same token, try not to over-schedule your kid so that every minute is spent doing something. Plan ample time for activities -- but allow time for vegging out and reconnecting, too.

RELATED LINKS:

16 Tips on How to Make Divorce Easier on Kids
15 Free - Or Almost Free - Kid Friendly Summer Activities
Disturbing Kid Videos Around the Web

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]]>shared custodysummer activitiesthe editors at iVillage.comFri, 10 Jun 2011 13:00:00 ESTJapan Approves Plan to Join Child Custody Pacthttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/24/japan-approves-plan-to-join-child-custody-pact/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/24/japan-approves-plan-to-join-child-custody-pact/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/24/japan-approves-plan-to-join-child-custody-pact/#commentsFiled under: , ,

Child Custody Pact

Chris Smith, center, R-N.J. with relatives of American children abducted to Japan, speaks at a news conference on Capitol Hill in Washington, calling for swift passage of a resolution on child abduction to Japan.Credit: AP

TOKYO (AP) - Japan's Cabinet approved a plan to join a global child custody treaty Friday, amid foreign pressure on Tokyo to revise policies some say allow Japanese mothers to too easily take their children away from foreign fathers.

Prime Minister Naoto Kan's Cabinet endorsed the move, which would spur changes in Japanese laws to bring them in line with the 1980 Hague Convention on international abduction, said Yusuke Asakura, an official at the Cabinet Office.

Japan is the only Group of Seven nation that hasn't signed the Hague pact. Asakura said the Cabinet plan must be approved by parliament for it to take effect, and it could face resistance there.

The United States, Britain, France and other countries have repeatedly urged Japan to join the convention.

Japanese law allows only one parent to have custody of children in cases of divorce - nearly always the mother. That's kept some foreign fathers and many Japanese fathers from seeing their children until they are grown. Activists say Japan's court system is tilted against fathers and foreigners.

The Hague convention seeks to ensure that custody decisions are made by the courts in a child's original country of residence and that the rights of access of both parents are protected.

The issue gained attention in 2009, when American Christopher Savoie was arrested in Japan after his Japanese ex-wife accused him of abducting their two children as they walked to school. His ex-wife Noriko Savoie had violated a U.S. court's custody decision by taking the children from Tennessee to Japan.

Japanese prosecutors eventually dropped the case against Savoie.

Last year, the U.S. House of Representatives turned up the pressure on Japan by voting overwhelmingly for a nonbinding resolution that "condemns the abduction and retention" of children held in Japan "in violation of their human rights and United States and international law."

Steve Christie, a 51-year-old Californian who works in Tokyo as a university instructor, said he viewed the move as a positive step, but was skeptical anything would change.

"I'm not holding my breath. I'll believe it when it's actually a done deal and I see it," said Christie, whose wife took his 10-year-old son with her when she left him about six years ago. For three years, he didn't know where his son was.

Now Christie, who has since divorced, manages to see his teenage son occasionally, but is still pushing for Japan to allow joint custody and greater visitation rights.

"I see some major improvement under Justice Minister (Satsuki) Eda, but I still suspect there are deeply entrenched bureaucrats still with the old mindset, sort of like, 'What's the problem? There is no problem,'" he said.

According to the U.S. State Department, there were more than 100 active cases involving 140 children "abducted to or wrongfully retained in Japan as of January 2011."

The U.S. Embassy in Tokyo said there were an additional 31 cases in which both parents and the child or children live in Japan where one parent has been denied access to the kids.

Copyright 2011 The Associated Press. The information contained in the AP news report may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or otherwise distributed without the prior written authority of The Associated Press. This article was written by SHINO YUASA, Associated Press. All active hyperlinks have been inserted by AOL.

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]]>Child Custody PactAssociated PressTue, 24 May 2011 16:00:00 ESTSchwarzenegger, Shriver Separating After 25 Yearshttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/10/schwarzenegger-shriver-separating-after-25-years/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/10/schwarzenegger-shriver-separating-after-25-years/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/10/schwarzenegger-shriver-separating-after-25-years/#commentsFiled under: , ,

Schwarzenegger, Shriver Separating

Actor Arnold Schwarzenegger poses with his bride Maria Shriver following their wedding ceremony in Hyannis, Mass. Credit: AP

LOS ANGELES (AP) - It was a storybook marriage in 1986 on a spring weekend on Cape Cod that united a princess of an American political dynasty, Maria Shriver, and the gap-toothed muscle-clad movie star famous enough to be known by one name, Arnold.

In many ways, it was a pairing of opposites: Her uncle was a U.S. president; his father was an Austrian policeman. She was the rising star of a network TV news show; he was the pot-puffing star of "Pumping Iron." He was a Republican with a soft spot for Richard Nixon; her family was a pillar in the nation's Democratic establishment.

Former California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger and Shriver announced their separation late Monday, cleaving a sometimes-turbulent 25-year relationship after "a time of great personal and professional transition for each of us," the couple said in a joint statement.

The breakup comes about four months after Schwarzenegger ended a bumpy, two-term run as California governor, a job his wife never wanted him to pursue. Since then, Schwarzenegger, 63, has been fashioning a role as an international advocate for green energy, giving speeches and lining up work in Hollywood. Shriver, 55, has guested-edited an edition of Oprah Winfrey's magazine but also talked about the stress of changing roles after serving as California's first lady.

The joint statement, issued by a spokesman for Schwarzenegger, said the two were working on the future of their relationship while living apart and they would continue to parent their four children - Katherine, 21, Christina, 19, Patrick, 17, and Christopher, 13.

"After a great deal of thought, reflection, discussion, and prayer, we came to this decision together," the statement said.

It was not clear from the statement if either remained at their gated, canyon estate in the Los Angeles neighborhood of Brentwood, or whom the children were with. Schwarzenegger's spokesman, Daniel Ketchell, said he wouldn't answer questions beyond what was said in Monday's statement.

The former governor tweeted frequently during his recent travels to Brazil, Nigeria and France, but Shriver was not mentioned in his online updates from the road. Shriver, also active on social networks, posted three updates on her Twitter page on the day of their 25th wedding anniversary, April 26, but did not mention the milestone.

About a month before the anniversary, Shriver wrote on her Facebook page that she was going through a transition in her life.

"As you know, transitions are not easy. I'd love to get your advice on how you've handled transitions in your own life," she said in a video posted on YouTube.

"It's so stressful to not know what you're doing next. People ask you what are you doing and then they can't believe that you don't know what you're doing," she said.

Schwarzenegger has often said that Shriver, who is keenly attuned to the risks of a life in politics, initially was very upset about his plan to run for governor. But when Schwarzenegger announced his decision on "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno" in August 2003, he said his wife stood by his decision.

During Schwarzenegger's time in office, Shriver and the couple's children never moved to Sacramento, preferring their secluded estate a few miles from the Pacific Ocean. Schwarzenegger never settled in Sacramento, choosing instead to commute by private jet between his home and the state capitol.

Schwarzenegger and Shriver long presented a gilded partnership that crossed politics, Hollywood and media. They are known for charitable work, and he also founded a committee with New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg and Pennsylvania Gov. Ed Rendell to encourage road, bridge and other infrastructure development.

Shriver, the daughter of the late Eunice Kennedy Shriver, left her job as an NBC News correspondent after Schwarzenegger took office.

In a May 2009 commencement speech at the University of Southern California, Schwarzenegger alluded to the powerful influence Shriver had on his life. He said when people ask him the secret to success, "I say, number one, come to America. Number two, work your butt off. And number three, marry a Kennedy."

As the state's first lady, Shriver ran an annual women's conference that attracted a long list of business, political and entertainment luminaries, along with an audience of thousands. She also was credited with overhauling the California Museum in downtown Sacramento, and, with Schwarzenegger, starting the California Hall of Fame.

In 2007, Shriver said she wouldn't resume a TV news career after the media circus surrounding Anna Nicole Smith's accidental drug overdose.

"It was then that I knew that the TV news business had changed and so had I," she said at the time. In a 2009 interview with The Associated Press, she said "I'm too much of a free spirit" to consider running for elective office.

Shriver stood by her husband during his campaign after the Los Angeles Times reported accusations that he had a history of groping women; Schwarzenegger later said he "behaved badly sometimes."

The breakup comes months after the death of Shriver's father, Peace Corps founder and former vice presidential candidate Sargent Shriver, in January.

Copyright 2011 The Associated Press. The information contained in the AP news report may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or otherwise distributed without the prior written authority of The Associated Press. This article was written by MICHAEL R. BLOOD, Associated Press. All active hyperlinks have been inserted by AOL.

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]]>arnold schwarzeneggerdivorceMaria ShriverSchwarzeneggerSchwarzenegger Shriver SeparatingseperationShriver SeparatingAssociated PressTue, 10 May 2011 09:30:00 ESTOne in Four Children in US Raised By a Single Parenthttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/04/28/single-parent/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/04/28/single-parent/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/04/28/single-parent/#commentsFiled under: , , , , ,

single parent

Credit: Getty Images

MIAMI (AP) - One in four children in the United States is being raised by a single parent - a percentage that has been on the rise and is higher than other developed countries, according to a report released Wednesday.

Of the 27 industrialized countries studied by the Organisation for Economic Cooperation and Development, the U.S. had 25.8 percent of children being raised by a single parent, compared with an average of 14.9 percent across the other countries.

Ireland was second (24.3 percent), followed by New Zealand (23.7 percent). Greece, Spain, Italy and Luxemborg had among the lowest percentages of children in single-parent homes.

Experts point to a variety of factors to explain the high U.S. figure, including a cultural shift toward greater acceptance of single-parent child rearing. The U.S. also lacks policies to help support families, including childcare at work and national paid maternity leave, which are commonplace in other countries.

"When our parents married, there was a sense that you were marrying for life," said Edward Zigler, founder and director of Yale's Edward Zigler Center in Child Development and Social Policy. "That sense is not as prevalent."

Single parents in the U.S. were more likely to be employed - 35.8 percent compared to a 21.3 percent average - but they also had higher rates of poverty, the report found.

"The in-work poverty is higher in the U.S. than other OECD countries, because at the bottom end of the labor market, earnings are very low," said Willem Adema, a senior economist in the group's social policy division. "For parents, the risk is higher because they have to make expenditures on childcare costs."

The Paris-based organization looked at a broad sector of indicators that affected families and children, including childhood poverty, early education and amount of time spent on parental care.

Across the nations examined, preschool enrollment has grown from 30 to 50 percent between 1998 and 2007. The average enrollment was 58.2 percent, while in the U.S. it was lower.

The report noted that public spending on child welfare and education is higher in the U.S. than in other countries - $160,000 per child compared to $149,000. However, the authors say most of that money is spent after the crucial early childhood years.

"This means early investment - including childcare and support for families around the time of birth - could be strengthened," the authors wrote in a separate paper examining the United States.

The study pointed out that the U.S. is the only OECD country that does not have a national paid parental leave policy. Some states have started to adopt such policies, but most parents are offered 12 weeks of unpaid leave. This is particularly difficult for unwed mothers, who may not be able to afford to take time off, Zigler said.

"We have not built in the kind of national support systems for families and children that other countries have," he said.

Childhood poverty rates in the U.S. are also expected to climb - 23.5 percent from 20 percent. Adema said the rise is a direct result of the financial crisis and higher unemployment rates.

"The financial strain causes all sorts of other strain, so ultimately it might contribute to family dissolution," Adema said. "At the same time, it might bring some families together. I suspect that the response differs across families."

The single parent phenomenon has been occurring over recent decades. The study noted the U.S. and England have higher teenage birthrates than other countries, partially contributing to the higher single-parent numbers, though the proportion of children born outside marriage was not significantly higher than the other countries.

Christina Gibson Davis, a professor at Duke University's Sanford School of Public Police, said changing gender roles, the rise of contraception, high incarceration rates in some communities and an acceptance of having children out of wedlock have all contributed to the growing number.

Terry O'Neill, president of the National Organization for Women, added it isn't being a single parent in itself that raises difficulties.

"Single moms do a brilliant and amazing job raising their children," said Terry O'Neill, president of the National Organization for Women. "It is also true that single moms in this country are systemically underpaid, and systematically under-resourced and systemically unrespected. It's not the fact they are single moms that makes things difficult."

Copyright 2011 The Associated Press. The information contained in the AP news report may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or otherwise distributed without the prior written authority of The Associated Press. This article was written by Christine Armario, AP Writer. All active hyperlinks have been inserted by AOL.

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]]>single parentingsingle parentsAssociated PressThu, 28 Apr 2011 13:30:00 ESTStudy: Staying Together 'For the Kids' Not Always a Good Ideahttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/04/21/children-of-divorce/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/04/21/children-of-divorce/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/04/21/children-of-divorce/#commentsFiled under: , ,

Watch a video on how to help your child adjust to divorce.

Maybe divorce is best for everyone involved. Credit: Getty Images

Sure, you and your spouse are constantly at each other's throats. You used to call each other "sweetheart," but now you are known to each other as "pig face" or "slimeball," and screaming has become your native language.

Still, you really ought to stay together, you insist. Think of the children -- you want to set a good example.

Then again, there are all sorts of ways to set an example.

Constance Gager, a sociologist and associate professor of Family and Child Studies at Montclair State University in New Jersey, conducted research and found that children having successful marriages later in life doesn't depend on their parents staying married.

It depends on how parents treat each other -- even if they do get divorced.

Previous research indicated that children from what we used to call "broken homes," are more likely to get divorced themselves. However, according to Gager, that's not necessarily true.

Gager teamed up with Scott Yabiku, an associate professor of sociology at Arizona State University, and Miriam Linver, an associate professor of Family and Child Studies at Montclair State University, to take a deeper look.

They compared adult children who grew up in high and low conflict families and whether or not their parents were divorced. Turns out the children of parents who had cordial marriages, followed by cordial divorces, are more likely to have successful relationships.

On the other hand, children whose parents bickered and bickered but never divorced are less likely to live happily ever after.

"We find that adult children exposed to high conflict and whose parents divorced are less likely to experience a cohabiting or marital break up compared to those who grew up with high conflict parents who remained married," Gager explains in the press release.

"Our research suggests that 'staying together for the sake of the children' may be misguided if children are exposed to high parental conflict."

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]]>divorceDivorce Montclair State University Research Children FightingTom HendersonThu, 21 Apr 2011 16:00:00 ESTOn Single Life, Sickness and Safety Netshttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/04/01/on-single-life/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/04/01/on-single-life/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/04/01/on-single-life/#commentsFiled under: ,

the single life

Illustration by Dori Hartley


I wake up just before dawn with a sledgehammer headache.

Aghhh. I mince to the bathroom, head pounding merrily down the hall and back. I dig myself a new cave in my flannel sheets, shivering. My throat wants in on the action: Hey! Check me out! I'm sore!

The girls are with their dad and his family until tomorrow, which means I have 24 hours to try to kick this.

And two articles to write, critical in my underemployed existence. Two litter boxes to clean, also critical. A house sorely in need of scrubbing. A dog-fur choked vacuum to empty. A backyard to pooper-scoop. A mound of laundry that's grown so high, it's insulating the bathroom ceiling. Bills that hiss at me from the desk whenever I walk by.

I am not in the mood to be a grown-up, not today.

Where is my butler? Where is my mommy? Where is my hot, smoldering-eyed cabana boy also trained in healing herbs and potions?

Without the girls in the house, though, there's a bit of a reprieve. I can cut myself some slack, tell myself the chores will wait, peck out the articles between cups of tea. Some single parents (heck, some married parents!) never get a time-out for themselves. I get a breather, from time to time, when I need it.

I'm lucky. I know it.

I have a single friend with young daughters, ages 3 and 7. Their father is not in the picture. Both my friend and her daughters have been sick near constantly this winter, a round-robin of colds and pneumonia and strep. My friend is a teacher. Between both her illnesses and her daughters', she's had to stay home from her job to care for herself and for them.

They've been too sick for daycare, and she has no family nearby. Now the school she teaches for wants her to pony up for the fees they've paid to substitute teachers. She can barely afford groceries as it is.

"C'est la vie," she tells me, with an exhausted shrug. She is pale, with dark circles under her eyes.

She's done all she could do, and it's still not enough.

Which makes me wonder: What safety nets exist in your community for single parents?

If you're a single parent with a chronic disease, or with a child who's chronically ill, what safety nets do you rely on?

What options do you have for daycare?

Where do you find support?

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]]>the single lifeJennifer MatternFri, 01 Apr 2011 13:30:00 ESTStudy: Parents With Twins Slightly More Likely to Get Divorcedhttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/31/study-parents-with-twins-slightly-more-likely-to-get-divorced/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/31/study-parents-with-twins-slightly-more-likely-to-get-divorced/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/31/study-parents-with-twins-slightly-more-likely-to-get-divorced/#commentsFiled under: , , ,


Twins

Parents of twins are more likely to get divorced. Credit: Getty Images

Your parents will tell you that their divorce has nothing to do with you. It is not your fault.

Don't listen to them.

You drove them to divorce. Or maybe it was your evil twin.

Either way, the Reuters News Service reports parents of twins are more likely to get divorced than parents who have to deal with only one of you little monsters.

OK, so parents of twins are only slightly more likely to get divorced. And it really has nothing to do with you or your sibling per se. But feel free to use the new study to beat yourself up anyway.

In fact, Reuters reports researchers don't really know why divorce rates are 1 percent higher among parents of twins. It could be the extra emotional or financial stress of having an extra baby. All researchers have right now is an interesting little statistic.

Dr. Anupam Jena of Massachusetts General Hospital in Boston and his colleagues examined data from the 1980 census. They compared the marital status of parents who had twins as their first-born children with other parents.

They wanted to use older data, Reuters reports, to make sure modern fertility treatments weren't to blame for divorces. Besides, later census surveys don't ask if families have twins. Researchers looked at a total of 800,000 families to find the 1 percent difference in divorce rates.

According to Reuters, twins made the biggest difference when mothers had lots of kids and less income. It also didn't help when the twins were older, and one of them was a boy.

Consider the financial stress: Reuters reports the average cost of raising a child from birth to age 18 may be as high as $250,000. You can almost double that for twins.

Twins represent between 3 and 4 percent of all births in the United States. And they may become more common with the increased use of fertility treatments.

Jena tells Reuters parents of twins shouldn't be afraid of divorce -- just aware.

"To warn families ahead of time that something like this may occur later on in life would not be a bad idea," he tells the news service, adding it would be helpful "to have a little more insight and pay a little bit more attention to some of the family dynamics that can occur."

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]]>more likely to get divorcedtwinsTwins Divorce Study Fertility StressTom HendersonThu, 31 Mar 2011 14:00:00 ESTLow-Paying Job? Blame Your Parents' Divorcehttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/30/divorce-study/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/30/divorce-study/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/30/divorce-study/#commentsFiled under: ,

parents divorce

Kids traumatized by their parents' divorce earn up to 30 percent less than kids whose parents remain married. Credit: Getty Images


Want your kids to put you in a nice nursing home -- one where they change the linens at least once every leap year?

Think twice about getting a divorce.

The London Daily Mail reports kids traumatized by their parents' divorce earn up to 30 percent less when they grow up compared with kids from unbroken homes.

This conclusion comes from a study by the Institute for Fiscal Studies and Rand Corporation. Just in case you weren't feeling guilty enough about your divorce already, now your kids can expect to earn $345,000 less during their lifetimes thanks to you.

Researchers looked at 17,634 British children born in the first week of March 1958, tracking them throughout their childhoods. Their parents and physicians were asked what kind of psychological problems (from one visit to a shrink all the way up to five-star, fur-lined, ocean-going schizophrenia) the kids experienced.

"Childhood psychological problems can have significant negative impacts over the course of an individual's life," James Smith, one of the authors of the study and a senior economist at the Rand Corporation, tells the Daily Mail.

Apparently.

The Daily Mail reports the study found kids who suffered psychological problems are likely to be "less conscientious" and tend to have "less stable" personal relationships.

Granted, the face of divorce has changed a bit over the years. Divorce in the '60s and '70s still carried a significant social stigma, and single mothers had fewer economic opportunities. So, maybe the trauma of divorce will not hold the same ravages for children of the 21st century as it did for the late baby boomers in the study?

Sorry. Researchers say it doesn't work that way.

They did some generational comparisons and estimate a troubled 23-year-old who started his first job in 2008 will earn $623,000 less in his lifetime than the well-adjusted guy in the next cubicle.

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]]>divorcedivorce studyTom HendersonWed, 30 Mar 2011 15:30:00 ESTTips for a Future Stepdad Who Doesn't Know a Lot About Girls Yethttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/25/tips-for-a-future-stepdad-who-doesnt-know-a-lot-about-girls-yet/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/25/tips-for-a-future-stepdad-who-doesnt-know-a-lot-about-girls-yet/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/25/tips-for-a-future-stepdad-who-doesnt-know-a-lot-about-girls-yet/#commentsFiled under: ,

Watch This Video and Take Some Tips On Co-Parenting From AdviceMama
tips for future stepdad

Illustration by Dori Hartley


When it comes to love, I've always believed if it's right, it's right, and that I'd know it. But a good checklist never hurts, either.

A while back, my daughters and I made a list of qualities that were must-haves in any fellow who dared brave our castle:

  • Gentle
  • Funny
  • Kind
  • Proactive
  • Warm
  • Loves Kids
  • Likes Travel
  • Honest
  • Compatible (day-to-day, easygoing)
  • Forgiving
  • Fun
Enter one very good, very unexpected man. This chap scored high marks on all counts, and a few other counts that Mommy, uh, will be keeping to herself, thankyouverymuch.

To my delight and amazement, he is as right as can be -- not just for me, but for our Girl Posse. As Daughter No. 1 said early on about him, "This one has potential."

It's official.

I choose him. He chooses me, and -- most importantly -- he chooses my girls.

We have begun planning a future, this man of "potential" and I -- a future full of little girls, big dogs, stray cats, juggled schedules, combined households and cluttered bathroom counters. He's in this for all the right reasons, I can tell. And, so far, he's barely flinched, even when I've tried to paint a picture for him of the pink, frilly, froufy, ballerina tutu chaos that will infiltrate his life. Brave, intrepid man!

Note to self: Excellent wedding gift -- look up builders who specialize in add-on "man caves."

The girls have given their blessing. So, now, we enter a new phase: we three girls getting oriented. My daughters and I have had several girl-power pancake summits this past week, trying to come up with useful tips and wisdom to offer to this new man in our lives, a man who looks like he will be around for a very, very long time.

"What does he need to know?" we keep asking each other, scratching our heads. After all, we are used to our messy, funny, active life. He has no kids of his own, so this will be a wild roller coaster ride for him.

We've compiled a new list, one we hope will be useful to him, and to other good men in the same situation. The girls came up with the title, which I quite like.

Tips for a Future Stepdad Who Doesn't Know a Lot About Girls Yet

  • If you are a person who marries a lady who has two girls, start to get used to the girlie songs, like Lady Gaga and Hannah Montana. (Daughter No. 2)
  • He must not act like an evil stepmother, i.e., make us do chores every single second of the day. (Daughter No. 1)
  • Don't yell at us. Only Mommy can do that. Unless we're in danger and about to run out in the street. (Daughter No. 2)
  • Don't be too soft on us, or else we'll be miserable. Because then we won't have any discipline, and some discipline is good. (Daughter No. 1)
  • Don't act like a baby. Don't whine if you don't get something you want. We all have to compromise. (Daughter No. 2)
  • Don't hog Mommy, because then you'll make us very sad and you'll seem evil. Mwah-ha-ha-ha! (Daughter No. 1)
  • You should always listen to Mommy. (Daughter No. 2)
  • Don't ruin girlie sleepovers by asking us to do boy things like Legos. Legos are fine, just not for sleepovers with our friends. (Daughter No. 1)
  • You should be very careful of when the dogs chew up the toys because I don't want your feet to get soggy. (Daughter No. 2)
  • Don't try and act like a replacement for our father, but treat us and protect us like we are your kids. And we will treat you with respect, too. (Daughter No. 1)
  • Help us with our homework if we need it. (Daughter No. 2)
  • Help us laugh if we cry. (Daughter No. 1)
  • Treat our mother like she is a mother, and also try to make her laugh. P.S. Beware of my squeaky laugh! (Daughter No. 2)
  • I want you to share lots of stories, so we can get to know you better. And you don't have to say anything you don't want to. (Daughter No. 1)
  • He also needs to know about little girls that ... sometimes ... they have FITS. But not all the time. (Daughter No. 2)
  • Drive us places when our mom can't. (Daughter No. )
  • Whenever we need to talk to someone on Skype, you should always let us. And always be there for us. (Daughter No. 2)
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]]>blended familykidsstep parentsstepdadstepfatherJennifer MatternFri, 25 Mar 2011 11:00:00 ESTParent of Abducted Child Releases CD to Help Othershttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/21/parent-of-abducted-child-releases-cd-to-help-others/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/21/parent-of-abducted-child-releases-cd-to-help-others/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/21/parent-of-abducted-child-releases-cd-to-help-others/#commentsFiled under:

A portion of the proceeds from George Transcender's "Songs for Parents of Missing Children" will go the the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children. Credit: Transcenderarts.net

When singer and songwriter George Transcender's toddler was abducted more than 20 years ago by a family member, his heart was permanently scarred, yet he says he found an outlet through music. The result: a 12-song CD, "Songs for Parents of Missing Children."

According to his website, a portion of the proceeds from the sale of the CD will be donated to the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children.

Ernie Allen, the center's president and chief executive officer, tells ParentDish in a phone interview that Transcender's tale is not unique. Of the 800,000 children reported missing each year, "about 200,000 of those are children taken by other family members," Allen says.

ParentDish spoke with Transcender, who has been reunited with his son. An edited version of the conversation follows.

ParentDish: Your music is similar in style to Neil Young. Is that intentional? Are you a fan of his work?
George Transcender: It's not intentional and, certainly, I'm a fan. Any serious musician who has not been influenced by Neil Young is either a liar, a fool or both.

PD: What motivated you to make this music?
GT: In 1988, my 2-year-old precious little boy was abducted. What ensued was a 4 ½ year search. (I) lived in a van (and traveled) thousands of miles. I had to sell everything I had -- grand pianos, art collections, book collections, just everything. Even my cherished electric guitar. The responsibility of parenthood, to me, is the most serious undertaking in a man's lifetime, a woman's lifetime, a parent's lifetime.

What motivated me to make this music was my absolute love for my child, and my responsibility as a parent to let him know, as he grew, wherever he was, that I was out there searching all those years.

All these art forms -- what creative people do -- it's a coping strategy against insanity. It's the only healthy defense mechanism humans have.

PD: Did you find your son?
GT: I found him after a major push with my last large chunk of money, and he surfaced in another part of the country. We flew there, and what commenced was 4 ½ years of custody trials, in which I went bankrupt a few times and experienced what it is to be a male in family court. It's akin to being a black in criminal court. With the asterisk, if you're male and (can afford) representation (and) expert witnesses ... But, generally speaking, it is an epidemic of bias in family court, because, in this country, it's a maternal presumption that we go upon.

(On TV) you'll see commercials that have the mom taking care of whatever needs to be taken care of having to do with this child's upbringing, and Daddy's not in that commercial nine (times) out of 10.

PD: So, how did the custody battle end?
GT: There are 729 hours in a month, approximately. At the end, I got 29 hours of broken up time during the month.

PD: What would you say to people who are put off by the CD's subject matter, who find the songs creepy or difficult to listen to?
GT: When we humans look at a person who's amputated, you know that feeling you get? We turn away for that second, as a reflexive action, because subconsciously (we're afraid) that it may happen to us.

PD: Have you had contact with any parents of missing children? How did they react to the music?
GT: I have (and) it's all been positive. One of the guys I had contact with -- I'll just give you a for instance of the kind of intensity -- went on a hunger strike for 57 days on the steps of a courtroom here because he was not allowed to see his daughters. He was real, and a good person, and he was a wonderful and courageous father. Fifty-seven days proved that to me; he almost lost his life.

Each personal encounter with a parent of a missing child elicits the same deep level of appreciation for what they heard because it was a catharsis for them, and catharsis is something that will allow you to have a good cry. And a good cry is necessary for a healthy human mind every now and then.

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]]>abducted childrenAbductedChildrengeorge transcenderGeorgeTranscendermissing childrenMissingChildrennational center for missing and exploited childrenNationalCenterForMissingAndExploitedChildrenSongs For Parents of Missing ChildrenSongsForParentsOfMissingChildrenBrett SingerMon, 21 Mar 2011 17:30:00 ESTMommy Is Dating After Divorce: Do Tell, Do Askhttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/18/mom-is-dating/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/18/mom-is-dating/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/18/mom-is-dating/#commentsFiled under: ,

Illustration by Dori Hartley


"So ... did you KISS him?"

My inquisitor is my 7-year-old daughter. The Spanish Inquisition could have used her. This one, she's persistent.

"What do you think?" I ask, stalling for time.

"YES. I think YES," she says confidently.

My 9-year-old pipes up. "But was it on the cheek or on the lips?"

Details, details. I squirm. "Ummm ..."

"ON THE LIPS! THEY TOTALLY KISSED ON THE LIPS!" Miss 7 yells.

"I KNEW it," smirks Miss 9.

"Can we just please go inside the restaurant now?" I say, blushing furiously.

I thought it was my job to embarrass my children, not the other way around.

I've always tried to be forthright with my kids about the fact that, yes, Mommy is dating post-divorce. We're three years out from my split with their father, and we're all in a much better place.

One popular line of conventional wisdom on dating post-divorce is the "Don't Tell, Don't Let Them Ask" thinking that holds divorced parents should say zip, nada, zero, squat to the kids about their dating lives until they are on the verge of remarrying.

This has never felt like the right strategy for our little estrogen posse. I want my daughters to know their mama is not just a mama. I want them to know I am a woman, as well, and that I am open to the possibility of finding someone special and lovely and true, someone who may stay in our lives. I want my daughters to know I keep my eyes wide open and that I'm careful with my affections, because anyone I choose must be worthy of all three of us.

So, we talk. We talk in a simple, straightforward way they can understand. We talk about the old goodness between their father and me, and how he and I agree they will forever be the best collaboration of our lives. We talk about the value that lies in remembering the good that came before. We mourn the loss of who we once were as a family, but we talk about the possibility that, someday, our family will be bigger, full of more love than we could have imagined.

Our frank talks demystify "dating," make it less precious, defuse it. I've never introduced casual dates to the girls. But when there's been a serious relationship, I let them know.

They don't get details -- they don't need details -- but they get the basics. Communication stays open, not compartmentalized. It's been a good tactic for us. Talking about Mommy dating has offered opportunities for discussions about self-worth, boundaries, goals, values, what compatibility is and why sharing our hearts and lives with others is not the same thing as giving our hearts away.

Someone mighty special has come along. I couldn't hide the grin on my face if I wanted to. I don't want to. This one, they will be meeting.

Miss 9 has prepared a list of questions for him. "Tell him we can go out for hot chocolate and I'm going to check him out for you. Don't worry, I'll be polite. He sounds like he has potential."

Miss 7 wants to tell him about princess dresses and tiaras and her favorite game, Apples to Apples. She says she wants to see how he smiles.

I love how he smiles. I hope so much they do, too.

It is as nerve-wracking as meeting the parents used to be, if not more.

I'd choose to go without a partner rather than bring someone into our lives who is not right. Life is good now, peaceful. We speak of this.

"I'd like to have a partner, but I don't need one, if that makes sense," I said, over dinner the other week. "Our life is solid. It would have to be the very, very rightest person for us all."

"Yeah. It's kind of like we're a puzzle that's already finished," Miss 9 observed.

"True. It's not like there's a hole we need to patch," I replied.

"But it's OK to want to have somebody special," said Miss 9. "Even grownups get lonely sometimes."

"It's more like our puzzle is good, but you can get an extra pack to build onto the puzzle, make it bigger with more colors," said Miss 7, excitedly.

"Yes," I said, marveling again at how much more they teach me than I can ever teach them. "It's kind of like that."

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]]>dating after divorceDatingAfterDivorcedivorceJennifer MatternFri, 18 Mar 2011 10:00:00 ESTDivorced? Follow This One-Step Co-Parenting Planhttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/17/co-parenting-divorce/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/17/co-parenting-divorce/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/17/co-parenting-divorce/#commentsFiled under: ,


co-parenting divorce

Divorce doesn't mean you can't still work together for your children. Illustration by Dori Hartley

This month, I've learned about four new divorces-in-progress -- with children involved in each situation.

My gut twists, thinking of the difficult path ahead for these families. I want to sneak into their still-shared homes at night and place hot water bottles over their hearts. And maybe stash some red wine in the fridge, while I'm at it. They're going to need it.

There are plenty of reasons for divorce. No one, absolutely no one, can guess at what happens behind closed doors. I will never dare to assume I know what brought them to this point. I know how much it stings, being on the receiving end of that jabbing, that speculating. The only thing I know for sure is there sure as hell are always two sides worth considering.

As a marriage sputters and dives, the reasons to leave become more compelling than the reasons to stay. It's simple physics. The downward momentum is deadly.

A few years out, when the ink has dried, the once razor-sharp reasons for divorce become pretty darn foggy. Often, the reasons become downright moot. The relationship is over. It was what is was, and now it isn't what it isn't. Period.

"Justification" and "validity" and "grounds" are perfectly satisfactory legal terms, but I've found none of them come close to the soul's painful vocabulary for the ending of a marriage. Attempting to build a brand-spankin' new, separate life for yourself while you're knee-deep in the scorched, smoking crater of all that you once believed to be true -- of all that you once hoped would be true -- is no task for the faint of heart.

Trying to parent wisely and compassionately while you rebuild yourself and recalibrate your compass (when you're not sobbing on the bathroom floor) is then, perhaps, the greatest and most daunting challenge of all, especially if custody is shared.

If you poke around into the etymology of divorce, you'll find the word means "a turning away," rather than a separation or a severing. This is never more apparent than when a divorce happens to a family, rather than a couple. There can be no complete separation, no true and final division.

Children bind two people -- no matter how desperately they wish to be unbound -- inexorably, permanently. Parents can turn their backs on each other, but they still must share the same heart space: the love of the wonderful, confounding, curious creatures they brought into this world.

Loving long and loving true is a Herculean task without the strain that children can cause -- through absolutely no fault of their own -- in a partnership. Someone once said to me, "Having a child is like tossing a grenade into a marriage." I admire the partners who are able to defuse the danger, plant flowers instead and stay the course.

But many of us can't make that happen. And if, while married, you can't get your collective crap together to agree on a solid, mutually satisfactory and satisfying game plan for raising the kids, agreeing on a strategy for raising them post-divorce is about as daunting as a one-armed, one-legged search for the Holy Grail.

Co-parenting after divorce is a precarious business at best, even when there are two good, loving parents who are invested in their children. For all of our problems and lurchy communication, I'd still count my ex and me in that category. We've been at it for three years, and God knows, we are still learning -- and smarting and wincing and biting our tongues.

Sometimes, we celebrate the little victories in passing. We recognize the beauty of these children of ours, after all. But communication is painful, often veiled and anything but simple.

After several years of thought, much stupidity, much angst, much frustration and too much useless wishing, I've come up with this handy-dandy one-step plan to co-parenting. Please hold your applause:

1. Extend the benefit of the doubt to the other parent.

Lather, rinse, repeat -- forever -- as necessary. Make this the rule of your co-parenting relationship; not the exception.

There will be many times when you think -- make that, you know -- they've dropped the damn ball. Newsflash: There will be just many times when they're thinking -- no, knowing -- the same damn thing. There will be teeth-gnashing, brow-slapping, private eye-rolling on both sides.

Please get over it; for the sake of the kids.

Huge Honkin' Disclaimer, So Don't Get All Up In Mah Grill: I recognize this one-step co-parenting plan is only useful if you dare to believe your co-parent is -- like you -- simply a flawed, loving, messy, imperfect human being who genuinely is trying to do his or her best with the tools he or she has.

I realize that is a big if. Feel free to exit this advice using the emergency exit to your left if you are not/can not be in that head space. I'll wait.

Oh, good. You're still here. We're lucky. It's true.

Mindful co-parenting doesn't mean you're perma-blissed out with multiple, daily respect-gasms for your ex-partner. It simply means you are willing to extend courtesy and respect to your ex daily, even when you don't always understand or agree with that person's point of view; even when your ex is not present.

As far as love-that-is-no-longer-love goes, this is a pretty radical concept, but the rewards are massive.

If you can set aside your own crap, and do your darndest to see the best in your co-parent, your kids will have more than a fighting chance to become their most amazing authentic selves -- compassionate people who breathe easy because they were able to grow up loving both parents openly, without needing to hide or deny the love that makes them whole.

So, when you can, bite your tongue. Ask yourself if it's worth it. If you are truly concerned about something, speak up to your co-parent, but kindly. Ask to understand, not to judge. Listen before you condemn, accuse, blame.

The fact is, you are no longer one household. There are two homes now, with different rules, different expectations, different needs. It is unfair and realistic and absolutely crazy to expect your rules to be implemented in a home that is no longer yours.

Your ex-partner does not love you anymore, but, if you're lucky, you know deep down that he or she loves the kids as much as you do. Return to that, again and again. Nurture the love you see in your kids for their other parent. Kids do fine, if they know upfront that their two homes have different expectations. They just need to be let in on that.

Be the head of your own household. Make clear rules. Delineate expectations. Talk to the kids about what is important to you, the home you'd like to create with them. Let them in on your thinking process and your feeling process. They are more resilient than you guess and more thirsty to understand than you know.

If you loved the person enough to dare to have children together, chances are good your children see the same good you once saw.

Extend the benefit of the doubt, and maybe you will find it coming your way more often, too. No promises, but the universe has a funny way of rewarding compassion and humility -- if you just get out of your own damn way and give it a chance to do its business.

OK, now you're gonna get all up in mah grill. I can feel it. But I'm just going to zap super-heroine rays of loving kindness and compassion your way.

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]]>co-parentingdivorceJennifer MatternThu, 17 Mar 2011 15:00:00 ESTTemper Tantrums: Mama Don't Play That Gamehttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/04/temper-tantrums/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/04/temper-tantrums/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/04/temper-tantrums/#commentsFiled under: , ,

kids temper tantrums

When temper tantrums hit, this mom doesn't back down. Illustration by Dori Hartley




It's one of those mornings. I try not to take them personally.

There's no rhyme or reason to it. Daughter #2 had gone to bed at a sensible 8:15 the night before. She'd slept through the night. I'd set out her school clothes for her at the foot of her bed, within easy reach.

I wake up both daughters as usual (gently and cheerfully! half-Mary Poppins, half-Caroline Ingalls!) at 6:40 a.m.. Daughter #1 climbs out of bed to ferret out the perfect pair of jeggings from a tangle of clothes in her closet.

Daughter #2 ignores me. This is not a good omen. I pop my head through her doorway. I ask her pointedly to please get dressed, use the bathroom, brush her teeth and come down for breakfast. Odd whimpering and growling commence from under her pillow. I head downstairs to make coffee, pack lunches and release the hounds, hoping Daughter #2 will sort herself out.

I am not sure what it is exactly that flips the switch. But at some terribly unfortunate point between 6:40 and 6:43 a.m., my post-modern Shirley Temple morphs into the full-blown raging spawn of Satan. She refuses to get dressed. She refuses to get out of bed. She refuses to acknowledge the existence of hairbrush, toothbrush, toothpaste, or toilet. From her room comes monstrous groans and terrifying howls: SHE WOULD NOT, SHE COULD NOT, SHE WOULD NEVER. If I do not wait on her hand and foot, as she demands, getting ready for school is not happening.

These are the times that try single mothers' souls. These are the times when it would be nice to have their father here -- a partner in exhaustion, willing to share responsibility for the creation of the rampaging beast upstairs.

I gulp my coffee like a beer. I sigh. Single Mama don't play this game.

I return to The Den of Fury. I tell Demon Spawn that she has exactly 40 minutes to get her shiz together and show some serious respect for her sister and me. I tell her we are not going to make her sister late for school, under any circumstance. I tell her if she does not get dressed, I will be taking her to school in her PJs -- end of story.

Forty ear-splitting, wall-pounding, bed-thrashing minutes pass. I nearly grind my molars into splinters, trying to maintain my Caroline Cool. The dogs cower under the dining room table. The cats take cover behind the couch.

Reasoning does not work. Scolding does not work.

There is no negotiating with a first-grade terrorist. One must be prepared to make a spectacle.

7:40: Time to leave. Daughter #1 gathers up her things and waits by the front door, mute. The siblings of Demon Spawn must also be prepared to sacrifice dignity if they are to get to school on time.

7:45: Now I am forced to take action. I gather up my PJ-wearing, shrieking 7-year-old. She has transformed into an invertebrate, which now makes it impossible to put her coat on over her PJs. Fine. Coat, clothing, shoes: I stuff them all into a plastic bag. I wedge Demon Spawn under my left arm, and carry her bag of belongings in my other arm. We three head down the hill to the car, in the chill winter air. Two neighbors glance our way, alarmed. I smile as if this is perfectly normal morning behavior for our family. Daughter #1 is grim, but quietly impressed. Daughter #2 thrashes and shrieks from where she is clamped in my armpit. "I'M COLD I'M COLD YOU'RE MEAN I'M COOOOOLD!"

In the car, the Patron Saint of Seatbelts takes pity on us and heeds my prayers. Miraculously, we are all belted in and on our way.

"I WANT TO HAVE MY PLAYDATES!" yells Daughter #2, then, knowing full well I am just about to tell her the week's playdates have been revoked.

"NOT HAPPENING," I say. "NO PLAYDATES THIS WEEK. UH-UH. NO WAY, HO-ZAY."

Daughter #2 spazzes, ad nauseum. In the rearview mirror, Daughter #1 smirks with something resembling vindication.

At school, before hopping out of the car, Daughter #1 whispers into my ear with great awe: "Can I tell my class about this morning?"

"Sure," I say. "This was the equivalent of walking three miles to school in the snow. Go for it."

When Daughter #2 and I pull up in front of the Lower School, she is no longer spazzing but sniffling. She meekly pulls on pants and a coat. We hold hands and head to her classroom.

I ask her first-grade teacher if we can have a word with her in the hallway. I am that mean. Daughter #2 stares at me, horrified. She adores her teacher.

"Miss C.," I say. "H has made some unfortunate choices this morning. If she continues making unfortunate choices, please let me know, because there will have to be further consequences."

I may love her first-grade teacher even more than she does. Miss C. gets it.

"Oh, dear," says Miss C. "I'm sorry to hear that. But I'm sure H is going to make good choices today. Right, H?"

H nods. She looks like she's been through a war. Her hair is pure tumbleweed. She is wearing a bedraggled PJ top with her leggings. She has had no breakfast. My heart aches for her. She doesn't want to be in that headspace any more than I want her to be.

It's hard, being 7. But I don't know what to do other than be her wall, sometimes. If I'm not saying, 'Uh-uh, no way,' who will?

I hug her goodbye. I tell her I know it's been a rough morning, and I love her very much. I tell her we can start over later. I tell her I am hard on her, sometimes, because I know she can do better.

She hugs me back tightly, a smile lighting up her elfin face again. We shake on the promise of a better afternoon, a better week.

We're all still learning.

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]]>single motherhoodSingleMotherhoodtemper tantrumsTemperTantrumsJennifer MatternFri, 04 Mar 2011 11:00:00 ESTLesbian Co-Mother Awarded Visitation by Arkansas Supreme Courthttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/02/24/lesbian-mother-arkansas/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/02/24/lesbian-mother-arkansas/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/02/24/lesbian-mother-arkansas/#commentsFiled under: , ,

lesbian mother Arkansas

Visitation isn't a given for the non-biological parent in a same-sex partnership. Credit: David McNew, Getty Images

A visitation battle can be a nasty affair when a heterosexual couple splits up, but in same-sex couples, visitation and custody rights are not legally assured in many U.S. states. However, a legal victory for one lesbian co-mom may be proof of shifting attitudes.

In Arkansas -- a state that prohibits adoption by co-habitating gay and lesbian couples -- the state Supreme Court has granted visitation rights to the former partner of a lesbian mother whose child she helped planned for and was the primary caregiver for when she was an infant, Gay City News reports.

Partners Alicia Bethany and Emily Jones lived together in Arkansas from 2000 to 2008. In 2004, the couple enlisted one of Jones' friends to donate sperm so they could conceive a child, which they agreed Bethany would carry.

After their daughter was born in 2005, Bethany returned to work and Jones stayed home as the primary caregiver. Jones' parents even cared for the little girl occasionally, whereas Bethany was out of touch with her family, the News reports.

When the couple broke up in 2008, they agreed that Jones would continue to co-parent their daughter. However, Bethany later cut Jones' visitation because she kept the little girl out longer than the 24-hours she had been allotted.

In response, Jones sued Bethany for legal guardianship of the little girl, though she later reduced her demand to visitation only. Bethany refused, saying Jones wasn't the child's biological or adoptive parent and therefore had no rights under Arkansas law, the newspaper reports.

During the trial, both women testified that they had planned to raise their daughter together, and Bethany even admitted she considered Jones to be the girl's other mother when she was born. Both women made claims as to the health and stability of the other.

County Circuit Judge Vann Smith ruled that visitation with Jones would be in the little girl's best interests, even though Bethany objected. Bethany's lawyers argued that Jones' relationship with the little girl was analogous to that of a grandparent, who would have no legal rights to visitation under the law, reports the News.

However, Smith's decision was based on Arkansas case law involving the legal concept of "in loco parentis," which refers to an individual who assumes parental status and responsibilities for another person -- typically a young child -- without a formal adoption.

In upholding Smith's decision, the state Supreme Court ruled that Jones' relationship with the child was more analogous to that of a step-parent -- who would have legal standing under Arkansas law -- than a grandparent.

It is possible that Bethany may seek an appeal from the U.S. Supreme Court, the newspaper reports.

The case is notable in that, politically, the state of Arkansas is not considered a friendly outpost for same-sex couples seeking the same rights as married couples.

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]]>gaylesbiansame sex marriagesame sex parentingsame sex parentsSameSexMarriageSameSexParentingSameSexParentsHoney BerkThu, 24 Feb 2011 09:31:00 ESTHelp! My Children's Mother Teaches Our Kids to Cheat and Liehttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/02/21/help-my-childrens-mother-teaches-our-kids-to-cheat-and-lie/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/02/21/help-my-childrens-mother-teaches-our-kids-to-cheat-and-lie/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/02/21/help-my-childrens-mother-teaches-our-kids-to-cheat-and-lie/#commentsFiled under: , ,


Dear AdviceMama,

My ex-wife, who has primary custody, has created Facebook pages for our 10 and 12-year-old children. The photos make my son look 13 years old and my daughter 20 years old. When I asked her to remove them (since both sites require the members to be 13), she refused, claiming that it was safe. She is teaching our kids to go around rules and to lie to get what they want. When I asked the children to do the right thing and not use the sites because they are not old enough, she cut off my Internet access to talk to them.

Signed,
Facebook Father

Dear Facebook Father,

As difficult as married life can be when couples don't get along, co-parenting with someone after divorce requires parents to face challenges that make unhappy married life seem like a walk in the park! But the fact is, your children need and deserve two caring and attentive parents, which requires you to do your utmost to make peace rather than war with their mother, if at all possible.

While I agree with your point of view on this issue, it's important that you keep your eye on the prize, and focus on the outcome that is best for your children, rather than using these situations as opportunities to vent or point out your former wife's character flaws.

If your children's mom does things you believe reflects poor judgment, resist the urge to come at her with reasons that suggest she's being a "bad" mother. This approach will only upset her, which may prompt her to "punish" you by withholding access to your children (a tactic that is always wrong and should never be used by feuding parents.)

I suggest that you limit the list of things you have to negotiate with your former wife by identifying the issues most important to you. Then consider working with a professional to create agreements about those topics.

These days, even if you and your children's mother live far apart, you can find therapists who will work with you by telephone. Your wife may be willing to address issues of ethics and rule-breaking if they are brought up by an objective, neutral third party who can help explain how harmful it is for children to be involved in dishonest behavior without triggering her resistance or defensiveness.

You can also use a therapist to establish clear ground rules for those times when the two of you have things to discuss. Conversations should stay focused on your children's needs, be based on the present (rather than bringing up the past), brief, respectful and polite.

NO MATTER WHAT, do not speak poorly about your children's mother within earshot of your kids, no matter how angry you feel toward her. Remember, your son and daughter are 50 precent of both of you. Anything negative that you say about their mom is, in effect, a negative comment about them, so exercise restraint! If you have a complaint about their mother's parenting, make every effort to resolve it without involving your children in the drama.

I know it must be enormously frustrating to have so little influence over your children in this scenario. Believe me, I understand that it sometimes seems impossible to act maturely when you feel so worried and helpless. But if you can rise to the challenge and conduct yourself with integrity and honor -- regardless of how your children's mother behaves -- you and your children will benefit enormously.

Best of luck!

Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama

AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.

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]]>FacebookSusan Stiffelman, MFTMon, 21 Feb 2011 11:00:00 ESTGreater Than or Less Than? Dating as a Single Motherhttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/02/11/dating-single-mother/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/02/11/dating-single-mother/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/02/11/dating-single-mother/#commentsFiled under: , ,

dating single mother

When you're dating as a single mother, it's about the kids, too. Illustration by Dori Hartley




I'm not dating anyone right now.

More often than not in my life, there's been someone. And I'm grateful for that.

I don't buy the concept that being in a relationship subtracts from one's development as an individual. I bristle at the self-help variety of suggestion that serial monogamy is pathological, a clear sign of someone who can't stand on his or her own two feet. Much of who I am comes from the wisdom -- often painful, but just as often beautiful -- gleaned from my relationships. I've learned what I can handle and what I can't. I've learned about boundaries, about drawing lines in the sand. The lessons have frequently been brutal, but they've also been necessary.

"Maybe you just need time on your own right now," a couple of married-for-years acquaintances suggested recently -- as if their status of "married" rendered them exempt from scrutiny, as if "married" means they've gotten it "right." I try to steer clear of the smug marrieds, who believe they've found the perfect balance of self and other, which authorizes them to assess the unfortunate singles of the world and their relationship choices.

I like down-to-earth married folks, the ones who 'fess up to the hard work of union. It's no picnic. I know. I've been there. And because of it, I know better what I have to offer, and what I need in another person.

I was dating someone until just very recently. It was a serious relationship, as serious as I'd allowed myself to get since my marriage. He's a good man, but I had fears that would not subside. My gut refused to let my brain run circles around it this time. My concerns were valid, my gut insisted. My concerns were growing, not lessening, over time. Although my brain came up with no less than 50 different reasons why I should stick with the relationship, my intuition finally sat down with a big red flag and refused to budge.

If there's one thing I've learned from my relationships, it's that ignoring my intuition is a slippery slope. It becomes a bad, bad habit. Intuition doesn't suffer fools lightly. When I turn away from what I know and try to talk myself into a different reality -- one that would be "easier" for others, one that I persuade myself I could figure out how to accept, if only I tried "harder" -- it only prolongs the inevitable. It makes for a nasty, snarled mess in the long run, hurting everyone involved all the more.

There is something to be said for dating as a single mother of two young daughters. In the B.C. (Before Children) era, I could skirt my intuition more easily -- give it the slip, for a while. "I can make this work." "This isn't so bad." "I'm sure he didn't mean it." "We're all flawed."

It's not that these statements aren't true. The question is merely this: Proceed in this relationship at what cost?

Before kids, my cost-and-risk-assessment process for any relationship was murkier, colored in shades of gray. After all, I would be the only one paying the price, I figured. I could cheat intuition, if I needed to. There was wiggle room.

That's no longer the case. Anyone I invite into my life, I'm inviting into my daughters' lives as well.

The other week, as I was wrestling with my intuition over concerns about this relationship -- one I had invested in quite dearly with a man I still care about, very much -- my younger daughter asked for help with her math homework.

I sat down with her at the dining room table, grateful for the distraction. She was laboring over a worksheet with familiar symbols: greater than or less than.

Ah.

I realized at that instant that if I ignored my gut, kept swallowing my fears, trying to explain them away, I would be Less Than. Less of a woman. Less of a mother. Less of everything I wanted to teach my daughters about self-worth, and always trusting their instincts.

Less than.

Finally, it was simple. Not easy, but simple.

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]]>datingdivorcerelationshipssingle parent datingSingleParentDatingJennifer MatternFri, 11 Feb 2011 11:00:00 ESTDivorce and Depression: Are Boys Really More Suicidal when Parents Split Up?http://www.parentdish.com/2011/02/10/divorce-depression/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/02/10/divorce-depression/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/02/10/divorce-depression/#commentsFiled under:

Divorce is no cake walk for anyone, adult or child. Even adult children-of-divorce suffer, that is, if you fall for the new study showing men who were kids when their parents divorced thought of suicide more than those whose parents were married. If someone only read the headlines it would be easy to get the impression children never recover from their folks splitting up.

The reality? Those unlucky grown children-of-divorce are now collecting retirement. They have grandchildren and great-grandchildren. Their parents divorced back in the 1930s, 1940s and 1950s and not in cosmopolitan New York or California but in Saskatchewan, Canada, well before the dawn of The Demi Moore/Bruce Willis Amicable Post-Divorce Parenting Phenomenon. Let's be real. Who separated during the Great Depression or World War II? Not many. Of the 6,744 adults surveyed, only 695 had divorced parents, that's a little over 10 percent. The societal stigma of divorce alone was enough to keep a woman in a loveless, if not rotten, or abusive marriage. Of course those kids fared poorly.

No wonder some thought about suicide. How often? Don't know. The suicide data boils down to a single yes-or-no question whether the respondents had "seriously" considered committing suicide. We also don't know when in the past 50 to 80 years these thoughts occurred or if they resulted in any suicide attempts. Obviously no one in this study actually killed themselves. There's that at least.

How many people thought about suicide? Exactly 17.5 percent of men and 17.5 percent of women with divorced parents, compared with 5.5 percent of men and 8.7 percent of women with married parents. Some media translated this as three times the risk for males. Scary!

The numbers look bad; the women's deep dark thoughts, however, can't be blamed on divorce. Not at all. Instead, blame the usual baggage that accompanied people who divorced way back when -- the poverty, the physical abuse, the drinking. When researchers controlled for those variables, there was no relationship between suicidal thoughts and divorce. That means divorce was in no way responsible for those troubling and troubled thoughts. Girls weren't depressed because their parents broke up, but because Daddy beat Mommy and there wasn't enough food on the table.

Men, though, were twice as likely to report suicidal thoughts even after controlling for the other variables. The researchers probably missed an important factor or two, but let's accept the link. It's understandable why boys would have suffered more than girls. Daddy wasn't around much. Sons had to suck it up and be all manly. Darius Rucker certainly wasn't singing "It's Alright to Cry." Not Marlo Thomas or Rosey Grier either.

Divorce deserves serious attention. Absolutely. That's why this dated data shouldn't get a free pass. It made good headlines, but the actual evidence is less sensational and belongs in an archive rather than today's How to Divorce Handbook. So go cry and get the sad out, but don't linger in the past.

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]]>Polly PalumboThu, 10 Feb 2011 11:00:00 ESTEven After Divorce, Love CAN Be All There Really Is...http://www.parentdish.com/2011/02/08/even-after-divorce-love-can-be-all-there-really-is/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/02/08/even-after-divorce-love-can-be-all-there-really-is/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/02/08/even-after-divorce-love-can-be-all-there-really-is/#commentsFiled under: ,

Susan Stiffelman with her former husband David, left, and an old boyfriend Peter, right

Unlikely grouping: Susan Stiffelman with her former husband David, left, and an old boyfriend Peter, right. Courtesy of Susan Stiffelman

I hosted a memorial at my house this weekend for a member of my tribe, a dearly beloved friend who had passed away suddenly. It was sort of a Big Chill event, but without the covert sex going on in back bedrooms.

Old friends gathered from near and far -- some who hadn't seen one another for 25 years -- and shared stories of our wonderful comrade, whom I'll call "D," with D's son and former wife, while the whole bunch of us wept unabashedly.

There were at least two of D's former girlfriends attending -- sitting together, comforting one another through the slideshow -- along with D's former wife. I had a great time hanging out with David, my former husband, and one of my boyfriends from long ago. It was one of those remarkable gatherings where everyone in the room focused on what mattered, knowing that most of what separates us from one another really could be left outside the door.

Divorce makes it easy to forget that. It's easy to become bitter, and to tell and retell stories of hurts and injustices. It's easy to get swept into the storm of emotion and remain stuck there. As amicable as our initial parting was, David and I hit some pretty low spots along the way, and it took a lot of letting go to arrive at where we are now.

But here is where we are now: David arrived at my house for the memorial with food and flowers, and he shared a great story about D from the days when we were married. He joined a group of six or seven men who came to my house the next day to watch the Super Bowl with D's son, who was staying with me, enveloping this young man into our tribe.

When David and I get together now -- whether it's at my house on Christmas, or in the emergency room for our son's strep throat -- there's a deep fondness for one another, and a growing gentleness. We have been through a lot, and there's a mutual respect for having journeyed alongside each another for a while -- closely, at first, and now loosely, as we co-parent our college-aged son.

It could have been otherwise. We could have politely avoided one another at gatherings we both attend, or come up with excuses to simply not show up. We could have stayed trapped in the stories, taking a look at the Everest we would have to climb to get over our anger, and simply turned away.

We aren't best friends. We don't have a relationship like you see in the movies, with former spouses turned daily confidantes. David doesn't fix me up with eligible men, and his girlfriend and I don't "do lunch." We don't have Sunday dinners together like my friend Laurie David does every week with her girls and their father. But we have made our peace, and with that, we have given our son the second best gift we might have given him. (The first being parents who stayed together because the marriage worked.)

So, it was pretty cool when I called our boy yesterday to say hi, and I handed the phone over to his father. I think my son was surprised -- pleasantly -- to find out Dad was watching the Super Bowl at Mom's.

It's not easy to "feel the love" after divorce. Making peace with a former spouse means scaling a mountain that appears to be too high, too slippery or simply impassable. But I know it can be done.

This doesn't mean we shouldn't remain guarded when we need to, or that we have to blithely maintain connections with former partners even if they're unhealthy or damaging.

But if the roadblock is simply a lack of forgiveness, or anger that has run its course, there comes a time when it's worth letting it go.

One of the most poignant remarks made at my friend's memorial was when someone spoke of the strength of D's love for the mother of his son. The marriage hadn't lasted more than five years, but their friendship had remained intact over three decades.

D's former wife had seen him a month before he died. They shared meals, laughs and time together with their boy. She is profoundly grateful that the difficulties they faced -- and there were many -- were handled with grace. No doubt their son is, too, as he begins traveling the road of loss with his mother there to support him and his father's beautiful spirit alive in both of their hearts.

The Beatles really did get it right when they sang, "Love is all there is." Despite the pain of moving on when relationships don't work, in the end, love really is all there is, and it's all that really matters.

AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.

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]]>Susan Stiffelman, MFTTue, 08 Feb 2011 12:00:00 ESTMy Family Is Broke, but Not Brokenhttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/02/04/family-is-broke/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/02/04/family-is-broke/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/02/04/family-is-broke/#commentsFiled under: ,

family is broke

Fairy Godmother, where are you? Illustration by Dori Hartley


My daughters and I make our way down the Walmart frozen food and cereal aisle. I cast furtive glances around me, hoping not to see anyone we know from the girls' school. I am ashamed that I feel ashamed. Organic greens, gluten-free rice bread, locally grown heirloom turnips -- that's the usual fare for their classmates and their families.

Here, the offerings are cheap, hormone-pumped, chemically laced, and processed. I figure I am also cheap, hormone-pumped and chemically laced. And my hair is processed. We will survive a week of bottom-rung food, I decide. I ate Twinkies for breakfast as a kid and lived to tell.

I do the best I can, as much as I can, in the nutrition department. It's a thankless task: I don't enjoy cooking, because I can't stop thinking about the dollar value of what I'm shoving around in the pot. Will they eat it? How many dollars will go to waste this time? I try to stick with tried and true. I'm the queen of lentil soup, made with discounted vegetables pushing their expiration dates. I can live on cabbage, oil and vinegar. Apples and bananas are staples, along with frozen berries for smoothies. Green beans and carrots make frequent appearances on our table.

This week, though, we are broke. Broke broke. This morning I had to borrow $400 cash from my mother to shock my DOA checking account into a still-flatlining $250. I can't remember the last time the account dipped below zero. But I screwed up. The real estate tax bill smacked me upside the head at the same time as the overdue oil bill. I paid both, not realizing how depleted the checking account had gotten. There's no income on the way for at least another week, if not longer.

As the girls try to find the most virtuous cereal, a petite elderly woman wearing a striped pink hat shuffles past with a cart. She pauses to grin at them.

"Are you helping your mother, girls?" she asks, with a lilt. There is something downright elfin about her.

The girls smile politely and say "Yes, yes we are." They know if you're going to talk to a stranger, a little old lady is usually a pretty safe bet.

The old woman turns her head to me. "Are they? A big help?" She studies my face carefully. There is something behind her questioning, something more than polite chit-chat.

I wonder for a moment if she's a fairy godmother, roaming the aisles of Walmart, scouting for the family most down on their luck, her wand carefully concealed in her purse.

I realize we are not that family, not even close. I smile, and place a hand on each daughter's head: a frozen-food aisle benediction.

"They are a huge help," I say. "I have the most wonderful girls. I'm about as lucky as you can get."

Fairy Godmother nods approvingly and continues on her way, humming.

When I look back at my daughters, they are smiling at me, their eyes clear, bright and unworried.



It's tough on the girls, having to switch homes every week. Homework goes missing. Clothing gets lost. They return to my home only to find that pants that fit two weeks ago are too short. Today at Walmart, we also need to find Daughter #1 new jeans, stat, and a long-sleeved T. Socks and underwear: also a must. Cat food, too, because Daughter #2's "birthday miracle kitten" eats like a Clydesdale.

My father never talked about money. "Money is no object," he liked to say, but my brother and I knew damn well it was an issue. I still feel pangs of guilt with every purchase I make, as if there is some free alternative to shoes and underwear that I am choosing to ignore.

I tell the girls to look for a few pairs of pants on clearance racks. I tell them money is tight this week, but I know we can't go another day without underwear and some new pants.

"How much money do we have?" asks Daughter #2. "Like, exactly how many dollars."

WWCID: What Would Caroline Ingalls Do?

I decide that Caroline would not beat around the bush.

"We've got $250, and it has to last us at least a week. Maybe more."

"That sounds like a lot, to a kid," comments Daughter #2.

"It's not," says Daughter #1. "Is that even ... normal?"

Normal. I don't know what's normal, for other families. "We just ... have to be really smart today. Wise with our resources."

Daughter #1 finds a $14 pair of jeans. They fit perfectly.

"Let's grab another pair in another color, since we know they fit," I say.

"Really?" One word. I realize I need to say something my father used to say. This phrase of his, I did believe.

"Don't panic," I say. "I'll tell you when it's time to panic. And I promise, it's not. We're going to be fine -- we just have to be smart."

"We can be smart," they say.

"I know. And being smart with money is a good lesson. You guys just have to learn it a little earlier than most kids."

We pay for our careful pile of items: about $120 of necessities.

"So that means we have ... $130 left?" Daughter #2 looks a little concerned.

"Yup," I say. I channel my inner Caroline. "We've got what we need, and a little money left over until I get paid again."

When we get home, we split the bags and their backpacks and haul our supplies up the hill to the house. Daughter #1 thanks me for her new clothes.

"You're a great mom," she says, simply.

"Yeah," says Daughter #2. "If I got mad, I might pretend I was going to run away, but I would never do it, because you're a good, strict, funny, GREAT mom, even if we're poor."

I think Caroline Ingalls would be pleased with that assessment. I'll take it.

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]]>childhood obesitynutritionpoorpovertysingle motherhoodSingleMotherhoodJennifer MatternFri, 04 Feb 2011 11:00:00 EST