ParentDishhttp://www.parentdish.comParentDishhttp://www.parentdish.com/media/feedlogo.gifParentDishhttp://www.parentdish.comen-usCopyright 2012 Weblogs, Inc. The contents of this feed are available for non-commercial use only.Blogsmith http://www.blogsmith.com/My Daughter is Super Sensitive and Gets Her Feelings Hurt Easily! What Can I Do?http://www.parentdish.com/2011/06/20/my-daughter-is-super-sensitive/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/06/20/my-daughter-is-super-sensitive/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/06/20/my-daughter-is-super-sensitive/#commentsFiled under: ,



Dear AdviceMama,

My daughter is extremely sensitive and gets her feelings hurt easily. I have tried to explain to her that she shouldn't take everything so personally but it doesn't help. What can I do?

Signed,
Walking on Eggshells

Dear Mom,

In her wonderful book, "The Highly Sensitive Child," Elaine Aron talks about the fact that in every animal population 15 to 20 percent of the group fall on the impulsive side of the spectrum, and 15 to 20 percent on the sensitive side. Once again, in her great wisdom, Mother Nature has orchestrated her creation so that some members of our "pack" will be fearless enough to venture forth out into the larger world, while others are cautious enough to pay attention to subtle warning signs that might lead to dangerous situations.

It's easier to be born with a nature that falls somewhere in the middle. Parents of children whose temperament is impulsive worry constantly about what kind of trouble the reckless behavior of their youngins' might get them into.

And as you well know, children who are highly sensitive face the challenge of simply coping with all the noise and commotion in our increasingly stimulating world. These youngsters tend toward shyness, meltdowns and/or a rigidity about what they they can and cannot comfortably do that create restrictions that drive parents a little crazy at times.

But just like hair color or height, children are born with the temperament they are born with, and the more parents try to force their kids to be different than their essential nature, the more problems they create.

Here's my advice on dealing with a sensitive child:

1. Rule out any trauma that might make an otherwise thick-skinned child suddenly sensitive, anxious or unstable. As I've said, a traditionally sensitive child is born with that temperament, but there are times when a child suffers an emotional blow and takes on extremely sensitive, insecure characteristics. If your otherwise resilient child is suddenly sensitive, find out what might have happened to cause her to be so thin-skinned, reactive or fearful. It may be worth exploring this with a professional, if you suspect she has experienced significant trauma.

2. Avoid being overly indulgent or overprotective. Some children become sensitive because they've been raised to expect people to give them whatever they want, which means they don't know how to handle frustration or disappointment. Don't reward her for being hypersensitive by fussing over her or giving in when she's not getting her way.

3. If she's not using the sensitivity as a manipulation, be gentle with your daughter. Children who are among that 15 to 20 percent on the sensitive end of the temperament scale have thinner filters; lights are brighter, sounds are louder and looks or comments that might go unnoticed by other children can hurt deeply. In other words, don't make her feel ashamed for being who she is, or tell her to simply lighten up.

4. Teach her cognitive tools for dealing with the behaviors in others that trigger her hurt feelings. I use something called ABC thinking that helps children identify what happened that caused then to feel hurt, and step back to see how their interpretation of an incident might be completely wrong.

Highly sensitive children find it harder to handle life's ups and downs. Be gentle with your daughter while helping her learn cognitive tools that she can use when she jumps to conclusions about life events or social interactions that leave her feeling victimized or overwhelmed.

And make sure that you highlight the many wonderful qualities -- including thoughtfulness and caring -- that your highly sensitive child brings to your world.

Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama

AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.

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]]>hurt feelingssensitive childSusan Stiffelman, MFTMon, 20 Jun 2011 10:00:00 ESTMy Little One Was So Excited About Being a Big Brother ... But Not Anymore!http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/30/advice-mama-sibling-rivalry/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/30/advice-mama-sibling-rivalry/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/30/advice-mama-sibling-rivalry/#commentsFiled under: ,





Dear AdviceMama,

During my pregnancy, my 3-year old could not have been more excited about having a little brother or sister. He told everyone he was going to be a big brother and couldn't wait for "his" little baby to be born. He was OK for the first few weeks, but now he is misbehaving in ways he never did before, having meltdowns at home and even at preschool -- a place he loves. What should I do?

From,
Pregnant

Dear Pregnant,

Ah, the proverbial Before and After Baby predicament. Welcome to a club with millions of members!

Your 3-year old is "saying" -- with his behavior -- what he lacks the words to express. And, truth be told, even if he had the words -- "I'm jealous of the baby..." or "I don't like seeing you kiss her..." -- it wouldn't repair the "ouch" in his little heart.

It certainly doesn't mean he won't get over his negative feelings and thoroughly love his little sister, but it does mean that, in a way, your little boy is grieving. He is going through many losses, and just needs some extra help to get through them.

When parents bring a newborn home, they are, for all intents and purposes, in an altered state. The first baby is a complete game-changer. We go from individuals with our own needs, wants, rhythms and moods to hardly recognizable versions of ourselves who would literally take a bullet or stop a train for this 7- or 8-pound bundle in our arms.

We sort of go crazy -- in a good way! -- as we instantaneously transform into parents, spurred on by hormones that seem to reconfigure who we are on a cellular level. Nothing will ever be the same -- ever -- when we first become parents.

When the second child arrives, that transformation has taken place, so at least we have a head start in terms of having some idea of what it means to care for a baby. Even though each child has their own temperament and personality, we've usually mastered the basics.

But what we can't be prepared for is the fact that we have now brought home to our first child a competitor for our love, time and attention. I realize we don't think of it that way (it sounds fairly awful), and it most definitely isn't what adding to our family is all about. But the initial impact on a child when a new sibling is brought into the picture is pretty much that his parents will be less "his."

A 3-year old is already in the midst of an attachment stage referred to by Gordon Neufeld as "Belonging or Loyalty," which has a possessive quality to it. In your son's eyes, you are his. Having a baby messes with his love affair with you, which had placed him exclusively on the stage of your heart.

Be patient with your son, and help him cry whenever he's upset. He needs to offload the swirling mixture of feelings he's trying to sort out. No doubt he is excited about having a baby sister, and will fall in love with her. But, for now, take advantage of the times he's frustrated about anything -- not getting the last piece of cake, or having to go to the store with Grandma when he wanted to be stay home with Mommy.

Don't try to explain why he shouldn't be frustrated when he is, or why he should love the baby when he doesn't. Avoid reminding him that he was excited about his sister before she came; that was before he knew what it meant to have her there every day!

Of course, it will help if you include him in big brother tasks that help him feel good about his new sister's presence in the family, such as helping you change her, or carrying the diaper bag for you. And, naturally, you'll want to give him as much one on one attention as you can so he gets nourished by your special love.

But ultimately, your little boy needs to be held, cuddled and gently guided through the maze of challenging emotions as he adjusts to the new look of your family. Give him room to let his difficult feelings bubble up and be tenderly understood, and he'll come around.

Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama

AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.

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]]>big brothersibling rivalrySusan Stiffelman, MFTMon, 30 May 2011 11:00:00 ESTMy Parents Won't Stop Interfering, From Grandparenting Expert Adair Larahttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/26/interfering-grandparents/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/26/interfering-grandparents/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/26/interfering-grandparents/#commentsFiled under:

Grandparenting expert Adair Lara offers suggestions to a mother of two whose own parents are intrusive and controlling.





Don't miss on MarloThomas.com:

I Want to See My Grandson More!
Adair gives advice to a man who, in the face of unfavorable circumstances, still wants to spend more time with his beloved grandson.
Watch the video

Grandparent Rivalries
Adair talks about ways to avoid having "grandparent rivalries."
Watch the video

Improving My Grandchildren's Eating Habits
Adair responds to a woman with concerns about her grandchildren's poor eating habits.
Watch the video

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]]>adair laragrandparentsmarlo thomasthe editors at MarloThomas.comThu, 26 May 2011 13:00:00 ESTRaising Kids to Be Less Stuff-Centeredhttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/20/raising-kids-to-be-less-stuff-centered/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/20/raising-kids-to-be-less-stuff-centered/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/20/raising-kids-to-be-less-stuff-centered/#commentsFiled under: , ,

stuff

Since launching "The Story of Stuff" film and book, some people have accused me of being against stuff. I'm not; in fact I consider myself pro-stuff!

I want people to appreciate their stuff more. I want us to think about the resources and energy that went into making our stuff, to respect and care for it and make it last as long as possible, rather than mindlessly buying, using, tossing and replacing it as such a frenzied pace.

I'm certainly not advocating we stop consuming stuff altogether; I'm advocating that we have a more aware, more balanced relationship with stuff. Too often, we turn to acquiring stuff to meet our emotional, social, recreational and other needs. This consumer-mania isn't good for our resource-stressed planet, isn't good for our family budgets and ultimately doesn't work.

We have more stuff than previous generations could have dreamed of, but we also have less leisure time, fewer friends and spend less time with our kids. There is a better way.



One of the toughest places to combat excessive consumerism is with today's kids. Advertisers spend millions of dollars and employ teams of child psychologists to convince our children to constantly want more stuff. Some youth advertisers actually call parents "gatekeepers" whom they must circumvent to reach the kids. Of course we're gatekeepers! We're parents! It's our job to protect and nurture and help our children grow into healthy, confident and caring adults. Fortunately, there are many ways to do this even in our stuff-focused culture.

Here are some tips I've gathered from my own experience in parenting, as well as from the thousands of parents who have emailed "The Story of Stuff Project" to share ideas.
  1. Model it. Raising kids to be less stuff-centered must be integrated into the overall way we live and work and play. Develop family traditions around creative time together, rather than buying stuff. Encourage homemade gifts rather than store bought, board games rather than commercial television, outings with friends and family to parks and museums rather than shopping malls. The more that choosing community and creativity over stuff is a part of who we are, the more natural and fun it becomes.

  2. Create Community. Seek out other families that value people based on their character rather than their stuff. Befriend neighbors and find parents at your child's school with similar values, It's a harder sell to preach consumer restraint if all your kid's friends have the latest electronic gadgets or wear only brand name clothes.

  3. Nurture non-product based identities. Most kids want some kind of group-based identifier. We can help them develop identities that aren't based on the logos they wear or the type of cell phone they own. Sports teams, theater groups, musical ensembles, hobby groups and cultural clubs all offer healthy non-commercial group identities.

  4. Bring back sharing. With parents working longer hours than previous generations, we spend less time getting to know our neighbors. One result is the erosion of the traditional networks for sharing. We don't all need our own wheelbarrow, bundt pan and glue gun! Sharing is good for our budgets, battling clutter in our homes, and good for building community since we have to talk to share. I've heard from families who've launched toy sharing circles so kids can have access to a variety toys without buying each and every one. My neighborhood has an annual book swap brunch for kids to swap books they've finished for new ones to read. The Sharing Solution has lots of tips for ramping up sharing in your community.

  5. Talk about it. Cultivating a resistance to the constant barrage of commercial messages takes awareness. Make it fun. Kids don't like being duped; explain how advertisers try to trick people into associating products with status and success and make a game of deciphering the techniques you see. My daughter and I play a game when we see a commercial: who can be the first to guess what the product is that's actually being sold. Whenever the commercial starts with a picture of an untouched green forest, she shouts out "new car!" Naming the tricks advertisers use is a great way to eliminate their ability to influence us.

  6. Protect commercial free zones, especially for kids. We simply must reclaim our physical and mental landscape from the constant barrage of messages telling us that we will be happier, more successful and more loved if we buy more stuff. If we want our kids to develop a sense of self beyond being consumers, some places simply have to be off limits for commercial messages. Join a group to keep commercial messages out of schools. Watch public commercial-free TV.
Combating the constant messages encouraging kids to buy stuff can be hard, but it also can be fun and can make our families, and our communities, stronger and healthier. And remember, you're not alone. There are great organizations, including the Campaign for a Commercial Free Childhood, The Story of Stuff and, of course PBS KIDS, which promote a less stuff-focused culture.

And, speaking of PBS KIDS, I worked with WGBH to create age-appropriate videos that get kids thinking about their stuff. You can check them out on Loop Scoops.

This article was originally on PBSParents and was written by Annie Leonard. Annie Leonard is the Director of the Story of Stuff Project and author of the book, The Story of Stuff (Free Press, March 2010).

More From PBSParents.org:

Child Development Tracker

Expert Q&A

Activity Search

Kitchen Explorers

The Parent Show

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]]>stuffteaching kids to be less stuff-centeredPBSParents.orgFri, 20 May 2011 17:00:00 EST5 Ways to Unplug on Vacationhttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/18/5-ways-to-unplug-on-vacation/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/18/5-ways-to-unplug-on-vacation/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/18/5-ways-to-unplug-on-vacation/#commentsFiled under: ,

unplug on vacation

The biggest challenge for family vacation is unplugging from our 24/7 media lives. Credit: Getty Images

What's the biggest challenge facing families this summer? Canceled flights? Rain delays? Try unplugging from our 24/7 media lives. For kids, that means no texting, no DS, no iPod, no computer. For parents, it means cutting the cord that keeps us connected to work (or Facebook, or our favorite podcast...).

We know it's not easy. And it affects nearly every family, no matter how old your kids are. (Some experts are even saying mobile apps are the hottest educational tools for kids!)

But with planning, coaxing and a major dose of self-control, you can ditch the gadgets and enjoy some family face time.

1. Soften the blow. Call a family meeting to discuss your vacation schedule. Explain that it's going to be a digital-free trip -- and why. Then move quickly to No. 2.

2. Be flexible. So no one feels completely out of touch, plan something media-related that you can all do together. Have a family movie night, or schedule time during the day that gives everyone time to check their email or text a friend. (Set a timer!)

3. Unplug yourself. Kids learn more from what we do than from what we say. So say so long to your iPhone or BlackBerry.

4. Do your research. Plan off-line activities that relate to where you're going. If you're going to Hawaii, learn about the native culture -- or take hula lessons!

5. Choose the road less traveled. Unplug your GPS, and have the kids navigate using a paper map. Extra credit for those who refold the map correctly.

Written by Caroline Knorr.

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Get more information for parents on media and technology by checking out Common Sense Media.

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]]>family vacationkids and mediasummer vacationunplugunplug on vacationunpluggingvacationthe editors at Common Sense MediaWed, 18 May 2011 10:30:00 ESTBecoming a Stepmother from Marlo Thomashttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/17/becoming-a-stepmother/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/17/becoming-a-stepmother/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/17/becoming-a-stepmother/#commentsFiled under: , ,

When I realized I was going to have the title of "stepmother," I thought, "Oh, no, I don't want to be one of those!" In fairy tales and children's stories, stepmothers are usually villains. I had to figure out how to be a nice one, a good one. The first step was becoming a true and trusted friend; the rest followed.




Auntie Marlo and Kate: Stepmotherhood
My niece Kate and I bring together women from each of our respective age groups to explore how different generations look at different issues. The topic of this segment is stepmotherhood.
Watch the video

Becoming a Happier Stepmother
It's not always easy to be a stepmom - I know that myself from experience! - but it has some wonderful rewards as well. I asked psychotherapist (and stepmom) Rachelle Katz if she had any tips for stepmothers. Rachelle had some great advice - read her tips, then share your own! (And if you're a stepdad or stepchild, chime in here with your own comments, too).
Read the article

Understanding Your Stepchildren (They're "Younger" Than You Think)
When I got married, I went from being single, with no kids, to being a stepmother with five children. We all survived it, and learned to thrive, and today I'm very close to them (and their own children). But I know the relationship between a new wife and her husband's children can be a difficult one to forge. I asked Rachelle Katz - psychotherapist, stepmom, and author of The Happy Stepmother - if she had any advice, and of course she did!
Read the article

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]]>the editors at MarloThomas.comTue, 17 May 2011 11:30:00 ESTCo-Sleeping: Is a Family Bed Worth the Safety Concerns?http://www.parentdish.com/2011/04/11/co-sleeping/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/04/11/co-sleeping/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/04/11/co-sleeping/#commentsFiled under: , ,

Watch a video on co-sleeping.
samantha van vleet cosleeping with baby picture

Samantha Van Vleet cuddles with her 6-week-old baby, Averly. Credit: Samantha Van Vleet

Sleeping is a group activity for the Van Vleet family -- all five of them.

Nothing can match the sense of security children Madison,4, Daniel, 2, and 6-week-old Averly feel when they cuddle with Mom, Dad and each other all night, every night, mom Samantha Van Vleet tells ParentDish.

"It places less stress on the baby because I'm able to hear her stir and wake up and can feed her before she cries," Van Vleet of Sterling, Alaska, says.

Van Vleet says Madison and Daniel now have their own beds, but most nights they only start there and race to the family bed, or often to each other's.

The Van Vleets are among a growing number of families aligning themselves on the family bed side of a heated controversy over whether young kids should sleep with Mom and Dad or in their own beds or cribs.

Those who support babies sleeping separately believe sleep is a regimen that needs to be taught to kids on the other side of the bedroom wall, maintaining that kids need to learn to soothe themselves to sleep. Family bed parents, meanwhile, feel co-sleeping will engender a sense of security in the child.

Co-sleeping has gotten a bad rap these days, due, in part, to the number of infants who have been injured or killed when a parent rolls over on them or they become entrapped or suffocated. Major organizations have spoken out against co-sleeping, including the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP), which says in a warning to parents that the practice should be avoided to reduce the number of sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS) cases.

"We strongly frown upon co-sleeping," the group states, recommending babies sleep in cribs.

And many experts say the risks surrounding co-sleeping far outweigh any emotional benefits.

"Co-sleeping is not recommended," Candace Smith-King, a pediatrician at Helen DeVos Children's Hospital in Grand Rapids, Mich., tells ParentDish."There are multiple risks and reasons it's not a safe practice. Many advocates for co-sleeping say it increases and supports breast-feeding. While breast-feeding is beneficial, co-sleeping is not a way to promote breast-feeding. Mothers are likely to fall asleep while feeding their baby and roll over on the newborn. It's just not worth the convenience."

Still, many parents and health care experts continue to support co-sleeping.

Children who sleep with their parents may experience less stress, Dr, Margot Sunderland, director of education and training at the Centre for Child Mental Health in London, states in her book "The Science of Parenting." She recommends kids sleep with their parents until they are 5.

Yvonne Quiones Syto co-slept with both of her children -- now 3 and 5, until they were 1, and credits co-sleeping for breast-feeding success and helping her get more sleep while she was nursing.

"I slept better when they were nursing than when they were weaned," Syto tells ParentDish. "My children now sleep in their own beds without any difficulty and have good, quality sleep, yet know they can come to us if needed."

Family therapist Barbara Chamberlin warns, however, that co-sleeping can have prolonged negative effects on a child's ability to soothe himself to sleep.

"While it can be a great bonding experience for parent and infant, I see many moms in my practice who cannot get their 9- and 10-year-olds out of their beds," Chamberlin tells ParentDish. "For these parents, every bedtime is a prolonged nightmare with kids refusing to go to bed without Mom or Dad lying down with them."

Denaye Barahona, a clinical psychologist, tells ParentDish although it is vital to provide a significant amount of interaction, touch and attention to your baby, it's by no means necessary to do so via co-sleeping.

"Parents often become consumed with the idea that they need to have a child in their arms every minute of the day to have a healthy bond, and this simply is not true," she says. "I caution parents to reflect on whether they are satisfying a need of their child, or satisfying their own needs and anxieties by co-sleeping."

Barahona also cautions that co-sleeping can cause issues in a marriage.

"I have seen many cases where a couple is experiencing marital strife, and placing a child in the bed creates an avenue to avoid intimacy and facing current issues," she tells ParentDish.

For those who really want to give co-sleeping a try, however, tips to minimize the risks include:

  • Using an arms-reach co-sleeper or bassinet placed next to the bed
  • Keeping the baby in a bed with just a light sheet, no pillows and a firm top mattress
  • Abstaining from drugs, sleeping pills or alcohol before retiring with baby
  • Not allowing other adults to sleep next to the baby
  • Keeping other children and pets out of the bed
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]]>co-sleepingfamily bedfamily sleepsleepMary Beth SammonsMon, 11 Apr 2011 13:00:00 ESTTwo Sisters Rule When it Comes to Family Harmony, Study Findshttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/04/08/brothers-sisters/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/04/08/brothers-sisters/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/04/08/brothers-sisters/#commentsFiled under: , , ,

family harmony

Two sisters make for the most harmonious family life. Credit: Getty Images

There may be something to the old schoolyard chant "Girls rule, boys drool!"

The U.K. website Bounty reports that it studied 2,116 families with different combos of kids -- both boys and girls -- and two girls makes "for the most harmonious family life as they are unlikely to fight, will play nicely and are generally a pleasure to be around."

The site continues that two girls "rarely annoy their parents with too much noise, confide in their parents and are unlikely to wind each other up or ignore each other."

The worst combo? Four daughters. Drama. City.

Bounty reports one in four parents with four girls say they are not completely happy with their situation and must referee an average of four fights a day.

Bounty's Faye Mingo says parents with bigger families find it difficult to keep the peace.

"The findings were absolutely fascinating -- we often assume little girls behave like angels, and if you have two this certainly seems to be the case," she says on the site. "But the more girls you have, the more of a handful they become -- more so in fact than boys. In fact, going from two to four girls seem to take parents from one extreme to the other -- whilst doubling the amount of boys has much less impact. We expected two, three or four boys to come out as the most difficult combination of children to have, purely because of their energetic and boisterous personalities."

Bounty ranked the best to worst combinations of kids:
1. Two girls
2. One boy and one girl
3. Two boys
4. Three girls
5. Three boys
6. Four boys
7. Two girls and one boy
8. Two boys and one girl
9. Three boys and one girl
10. Three girls and one boy
11. Two boys and two girls
12. Four girls

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]]>brothers and sisterssiblingssistersLesley KennedyFri, 08 Apr 2011 12:30:00 EST'You're the Meanest Mom in the World!'http://www.parentdish.com/2011/04/04/youre-the-meanest-mom-in-the-world/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/04/04/youre-the-meanest-mom-in-the-world/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/04/04/youre-the-meanest-mom-in-the-world/#commentsFiled under: , , ,


Dear AdviceMama,

My 12-year-old wants to do things that her friends get to do, but I don't think she's old enough and she's furious ... what should I do?

Signed, "Meanest Mom"


Dear Mom,

When it comes to contests, there's one that nearly every responsible parent wins now and then, and that's "Meanest Mom (or Dad) in the World!" If you take your parenting role seriously, it's inevitable that there will be times when your instincts about what's appropriate or safe for your youngster will collide with what they desperately want to do.

The first thing to keep in mind is that we need to be our child's parent, and that often means they aren't going to like us. Our job is not to be their friend, although it's wonderful when we're getting along and sharing laughs, interesting conversation or mutual interests. But hopefully you have your own friends. If you're looking to your child to fulfill your friendship needs, you're in trouble. To parent effectively, you have to be willing to create clear boundaries, even if it means your daughter "hates" you.

She doesn't hate you. She's mad.

And, underneath her anger, she's sad, or afraid, or anxious about what will happen because of your "no." In her mind, maybe she'll be excluded from future get-togethers with friends, and lose status in her social group. Or maybe she's afraid the other girls will talk badly about her behind her back (a realistic fear for a 12-year old). Or, she could be terrified that if she doesn't get to go to the mall/watch that R-rated movie/spend the night at Caitlyn's when her parents aren't home, she'll look like a baby to her peers, a horrible notion to a tween.

When these concerns get triggered by your "no," it's time to let your daughter vent, but it isn't time to offer long explanations. In the midst of her fury, she doesn't have the wherewithal to process whatever rational explanations you might have to offer. If you come at her with logic about why she can't do the sleepover or watch the R-rated movie, you'll simply awaken her "inner lawyer" and end up in loud, messy, and ultimately unsatisfying debate and drama.

My advice is to state the facts: "Unfortunately I'm not comfortable letting you sleep at Caitlyn's when her parents are away." If your daughter starts to fling horrible accusations, stay as steady as you can, at least on the outside. (On the inside, you may be crumbling, but try your best to appear strong.)

If she demands a reason, the best line is this: "I know you desperately want to go, and, whatever reason I give you right now isn't going to make any sense." This doesn't mean that later, when she's calmed down, you shouldn't explain your thinking. I think it's very important for children to understand what informs your thinking -- when they're calm enough and capable of doing so.

But in the midst of a hurricane, we don't hang pictures on the wall. When a child is in the midst of an emotional storm, it's not the right time to try to convince them of why your limitations are in their best interest. It will be tempting to justify your decision, especially if your daughter accuses you of being mean, old-fashioned, behind the times or any number of awful things.

This too shall pass. It may help to align with similarly-minded parents, so your daughter isn't the only one who doesn't get to do certain things. And of course, as she gets older, you'll have to continue to adjust, and rethink what is and isn't okay.

I would even go as far as saying that if you're on the fence about whether you feel comfortable with her doing something, you might invite her -- if she's respectful and calm -- to lay out the facts to you, and perhaps give you information that might change your mind.

But in the same way that we don't negotiate with terrorists, I would strongly discourage you from caving in to your daughter's demands simply because she's worn you down or hurt your feelings.

Effective parenting requires us to make choices that often cause us to temporarily lose the popularity contest with our kids. That's OK. In the long run, it's our job to parent, not make sure our kids like us. Sad, but true.

Ultimately, what will help your daughter the most will be your calm, soothing presence, helping her offload her fears about what your "no" might mean to her social status. It's likely she'll need to have a good cry. Who better to do that with than her loving parent? That would be ... you!

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]]>am I a mean mommean mommeanest momtweensSusan Stiffelman, MFTMon, 04 Apr 2011 13:00:00 ESTEven After Divorce, Love CAN Be All There Really Is...http://www.parentdish.com/2011/02/08/even-after-divorce-love-can-be-all-there-really-is/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/02/08/even-after-divorce-love-can-be-all-there-really-is/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/02/08/even-after-divorce-love-can-be-all-there-really-is/#commentsFiled under: ,

Susan Stiffelman with her former husband David, left, and an old boyfriend Peter, right

Unlikely grouping: Susan Stiffelman with her former husband David, left, and an old boyfriend Peter, right. Courtesy of Susan Stiffelman

I hosted a memorial at my house this weekend for a member of my tribe, a dearly beloved friend who had passed away suddenly. It was sort of a Big Chill event, but without the covert sex going on in back bedrooms.

Old friends gathered from near and far -- some who hadn't seen one another for 25 years -- and shared stories of our wonderful comrade, whom I'll call "D," with D's son and former wife, while the whole bunch of us wept unabashedly.

There were at least two of D's former girlfriends attending -- sitting together, comforting one another through the slideshow -- along with D's former wife. I had a great time hanging out with David, my former husband, and one of my boyfriends from long ago. It was one of those remarkable gatherings where everyone in the room focused on what mattered, knowing that most of what separates us from one another really could be left outside the door.

Divorce makes it easy to forget that. It's easy to become bitter, and to tell and retell stories of hurts and injustices. It's easy to get swept into the storm of emotion and remain stuck there. As amicable as our initial parting was, David and I hit some pretty low spots along the way, and it took a lot of letting go to arrive at where we are now.

But here is where we are now: David arrived at my house for the memorial with food and flowers, and he shared a great story about D from the days when we were married. He joined a group of six or seven men who came to my house the next day to watch the Super Bowl with D's son, who was staying with me, enveloping this young man into our tribe.

When David and I get together now -- whether it's at my house on Christmas, or in the emergency room for our son's strep throat -- there's a deep fondness for one another, and a growing gentleness. We have been through a lot, and there's a mutual respect for having journeyed alongside each another for a while -- closely, at first, and now loosely, as we co-parent our college-aged son.

It could have been otherwise. We could have politely avoided one another at gatherings we both attend, or come up with excuses to simply not show up. We could have stayed trapped in the stories, taking a look at the Everest we would have to climb to get over our anger, and simply turned away.

We aren't best friends. We don't have a relationship like you see in the movies, with former spouses turned daily confidantes. David doesn't fix me up with eligible men, and his girlfriend and I don't "do lunch." We don't have Sunday dinners together like my friend Laurie David does every week with her girls and their father. But we have made our peace, and with that, we have given our son the second best gift we might have given him. (The first being parents who stayed together because the marriage worked.)

So, it was pretty cool when I called our boy yesterday to say hi, and I handed the phone over to his father. I think my son was surprised -- pleasantly -- to find out Dad was watching the Super Bowl at Mom's.

It's not easy to "feel the love" after divorce. Making peace with a former spouse means scaling a mountain that appears to be too high, too slippery or simply impassable. But I know it can be done.

This doesn't mean we shouldn't remain guarded when we need to, or that we have to blithely maintain connections with former partners even if they're unhealthy or damaging.

But if the roadblock is simply a lack of forgiveness, or anger that has run its course, there comes a time when it's worth letting it go.

One of the most poignant remarks made at my friend's memorial was when someone spoke of the strength of D's love for the mother of his son. The marriage hadn't lasted more than five years, but their friendship had remained intact over three decades.

D's former wife had seen him a month before he died. They shared meals, laughs and time together with their boy. She is profoundly grateful that the difficulties they faced -- and there were many -- were handled with grace. No doubt their son is, too, as he begins traveling the road of loss with his mother there to support him and his father's beautiful spirit alive in both of their hearts.

The Beatles really did get it right when they sang, "Love is all there is." Despite the pain of moving on when relationships don't work, in the end, love really is all there is, and it's all that really matters.

AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.

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]]>Susan Stiffelman, MFTTue, 08 Feb 2011 12:00:00 ESTGuess Who Shouldn't Be Coming for Dinner: Etiquette Tips for New Baby Visitshttp://www.parentdish.com/2010/12/28/guess-who-shouldnt-be-coming-for-dinner-etiquette-tips-for-new/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/12/28/guess-who-shouldnt-be-coming-for-dinner-etiquette-tips-for-new/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/12/28/guess-who-shouldnt-be-coming-for-dinner-etiquette-tips-for-new/#commentsFiled under: ,

Make sure a new mom wants visitors before you head to the hospital. Credit: Getty


An offer from friends to deliver dinner following the birth of her now 4-year-old daughter sounded fabulous, Jaimie Franchi recalls. But the enticing promise quickly morphed into a culinary disaster, not to mention a major Ms. Manners faux pas.

The "chefs" showed up at her front door sans piping hot meal and promptly headed to Franchi's kitchen, raiding her cabinets for pots and pans and turning what she had envisioned as a simple hot casserole doorstep delivery into a two-hour meal preparation, leaving her sink filled with a giant pasta sauce mess.

"It was a nightmare," Franchi, a Montreal writer and single mother of two, tells ParentDish. "At 9:30 p.m., after sitting down to eat what they cooked, they got up and said, 'OK, since we did all the cooking, we'll leave the cleaning for you.' I sat there with my newborn, exhausted beyond belief, watching these people walk out the door and thinking what a massive inconvenience their 'help' was to me."

Welcome to the front lines of "New Baby Meets the Invasion of Clueless Visitors."

Think "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation," when Cousin Eddie and his wife pull up in an old clunker of an RV with their children Rocky and Ruby Sue and Snots, the family dog. Only worse, it's your mother-in-law, the entire clan and some random neighbors with infectious diseases who feel compelled to race to the hospital nursery when the first tweet announces your contractions are five minutes apart.

Or, they camp out in your living room for the duration of the postpartum experience "helping" you by sneezing all over your infant and raiding your refrigerator, sleep time and patience.

Just ask Rebeca Simpson Holloway. She vividly recalls when, less than 12 hours after her son was born, all of her in-laws "descended on my tiny hospital room all at once," she tells ParentDish.

The roster included her mother-in-law, her second husband and his 3-year-old grandson, her father-in-law and his second wife and her husband's cousin and her husband -- all arriving for an impromptu bedside visit.

"I was less than thrilled," says Holloway, an Indianapolis mom of two boys, ages 3 and 3 months, who runs the website The Average Parent.

"The trend," of unannounced arrivals seemed to continue for weeks, she says. "Considering that I was recovering from a C-section, I was a bit peeved by their lack of consideration."

Holloway says it would have been helpful if "they came with meals or stopped by the house to help fold laundry or something. But, essentially, all they did was sit and occupy precious time that could have been spent sleeping."

To help make new baby visits less dysfunctional and allow for more precious moments, ParentDish asked new parents and experts for some advice.

1. "Wait to be invited," etiquette coach Constance Hoffman tells ParentDish. And, "don't ask personal questions regarding the birthing experience."

This is the Golden Rule, Richie Frieman, the Modern Manners Guy, tells ParentDish.

"Do not do the old drop-in by landing on their doorstep and saying 'Hey, I was just in the area and thought I'd stop by.' Not only are drop-ins improper, but when it comes to the chaos of dealing with a new baby, timing is key. Plus, you do not want to be the one that rings the doorbell and wakes the baby up."

2. "Make visits short and sweet, knowing ahead of time that you will stay no more than an hour," Franchi says.

3. Know stuff happens. "Expect the unexpected -- body functions that is," Frieman says. "Don't think that the baby won't throw up, spit up, sneeze or mess their diaper when you are holding them. If you can't handle some spit up, you might be better off Skyping."

4. Offer a hand. "When you have had less than two hours of sleep in the past week, you'll need help, and having a friend or family member willing to lend a hand by making a meal, bringing something in or just running to pick up their dry cleaning, will make you a real champion in their eyes," Frieman says.

Lisa Mirza Grotts, an etiquette columnist for The Huffington Post, says getting lunch on the table or just being present to be a good listener is worth a lot.

"When my sister had her twins, I would go to her house and watch them while she was home just so she could take a bath, or do her nails, and have a little free time," she tells ParentDish.

5. Seal your lips. "Keep unsolicited advice to yourself," Franchi says. "Please, just don't do it."

Finally, it's up to the new parents to make rules and enforce them, experts agree.

When Holloway's second son was born, she armed herself with a list of regulations for visitors.

"I made a rule that nobody was allowed to visit until we returned home, and they had to call before coming," she says.

Looking back, she says she also would have included the following rules: Don't smoke on your way over, or right before seeing the baby. Volunteer to occupy the older child. And, "for God's sake, leave an empty chair for the woman who just has major surgery."

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]]>family visitsFamilyVisitsnew babyNewBabynewbornsvisiting babiesVisitingBabiesMary Beth SammonsTue, 28 Dec 2010 16:00:00 ESTStupid Questions People Ask Adoptive Parents, and Our Smartass Answershttp://www.parentdish.com/2010/11/30/stupid-questions-people-ask-adoptive-parents-and-our-smartass-a/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/11/30/stupid-questions-people-ask-adoptive-parents-and-our-smartass-a/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/11/30/stupid-questions-people-ask-adoptive-parents-and-our-smartass-a/#commentsFiled under: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Adoptive parents

Actually, there is such a thing as a stupid question. Illustration by Dori Hartley


As we say goodbye to National Adoption Month, let's close on a positive note. If you're an adoptive parent, this list will give you great answers to the most ridiculous questions you will ever get. If you're not an adoptive parent, think of this list as a reminder of when to adopt a think-before-you-ask moment.

1. Are those your real children?
*No, they're robots from the planet Mergatroid who landed here overnight. Careful, they may zap you with their bacteria-building laser gun.
*Is that your real brain or a loaner from the moron store?

2. Where is their real mother?
*With your husband.
*Out on parole next month. I'll give her your address.

3. Are they orphans?
*Why yes, didn't you catch their cameos in "Annie?"

4. Are your children related?
*Yes, to your father.
*Yes, they're siblings. You know, like your parents.

5. What do they eat?
*Idiots who ask stupid questions.
*Oh, goodness. Am I supposed to feed them?

6. Why didn't their mother have an abortion?
*Why didn't your mother have an abortion?

7. Can we touch their hair to see what it feels like?
*Sure, for $100.

8. Were they abused?
*Do you consider stupid comments and questions abuse?
*Yes, someone hit them upside the head with a 2-by-4. Here, let me show you how it feels.

9. Did they eat monkey (kid from Africa), rice (kid from China), borscht (kid from Russia), rice and beans (Central/South America)?
*Yes, because they're walking stereotypes of [insert nationality], just like you're a walking stereotype of an American idiot.

10. Where/how did you get them?
*I think it was somewhere in a TSA patdown line.
*On sale at Macy's. Black Friday. Buy one get one free.
*Have you ever heard of the store Buy Buy Baby?
*Ebay.
*On the corner over there. I think there's some left if you want some.
*Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt had a few left over, so ...
*From the International Association of None of Your Damn Business.

11. Were they in an orphanage? If so, where and for how long?
*No, they were actually placed in a traveling, government-run circus.
*Yes, it was the hard-knock life for them, 'stead of kisses, they got kicked.
*Only until Fagin taught them how to pick pockets.

12. Do they come from Haiti? It's good they escaped the earthquake.
*Yes. All the other third-world disaster victims had been snatched up already.

13. Why did you adopt them?
*Because I wanted to gray faster, like you!
*Angelina was busy and Madonna couldn't take the bad publicity.
*Somebody's gotta do the household chores and it's not gonna be me.
*I'm starting a home mail-order business. Free labor!
*It was between them and a Chia pet, and all my plants end up dying.

14. Couldn't you have your own children?
*Sure, but it kinda seemed so ... 2009.
*Sure, but whenever I run into you, for some reason I'm unable to perform in the bedroom.
*What, and wreck this perfect body with saggers and stretch marks like you did? Hello?
*Yes, but God and I agreed that this isn't the right time for another Messiah.

15. Do you know anything about their real parents? Are they alive?
*Nope. I killed them. [Laugh madly.]
*I probably shouldn't say this, but, she's a well-known public figure and he's well, let's just say very important. [Say this in hushed tones.]

16. How much money did they cost?
*Less than the cost of your cosmetic surgery.
*I got the discount ones, so it wasn't too bad actually.
*They were in a basket with a note that said, "Free! Take 'em!"
*I got them for selling subscriptions to Mother Jones.

17. Don't you feel sorry for birth mothers?
*Yes, yours in particular.

18. Do they know who their real parents are?
*Yes, the ringmaster and the bearded lady.
*Honestly, does anyone?
*No, do you?

19. Do you have an open adoption?
*The offer is always open for them to return to the Big Tent.
*Absolutely. We swap children every two years with a sweet family in Ohio.
*Sure, we're going to have a seance tonight.
*Do you have an open marriage? Your husband said it was an open marriage. Gosh, I hope he was telling the truth. I would hate for you to be hurt by someone's boorish insensitivity

20. When will you take them to see their real parents?
*When the circus comes to town again next summer. They've promised us free tickets.
*Not until we're sure we wanna keep them.
*When they realize that we are just impostors, their fake parents.
*Thought you'd never ask. How's next Tuesday?
*Gee, what do you suggest? Did you ever meet your real parents, or were they moved to another zoo?

21. Did you get to "pick" them?
*There wasn't much choice after you eliminated the World's Shortest Man from consideration.
*Yes, we found a pick-your-own baby farm.
*Yep, like lint off your sweater. Here, let me get that for you.
*No, they fell right off the tree.

22. What do they call you? Mom?
*They've already adopted the American practice of, "Hey, you."
*'Mom' seems to have that motherly ring to it, which is kind of cool being that I'm their mom.
*They call me mom for the same reason people call you dumb ass. It just fits.

23. Did they have diseases when they came to America? Do they have diseases now?
*Only one. It's a strange jungle disease only communicable through a high-five. Hey, you didn't happen to ... ? Oh, never mind.
*They have foot-in-mouth disease, which I believe they caught from you.

24. Do any of them have HIV?
*Do you?
*No, you can't have sex with them.

25. Do you feel like you "missed out" on having your own children?
*Yes, morning sickness, extra baby weight and painful labor are all on my Christmas list this year.
*No, these little wonders fill that empty void that was my terrible, unsatisfied life of doom and gloom.
*There are worse fates. Just ask your parents.

26. Why did you wait so long to have children?
*We were too busy drinking, drugging and dancing naked on bar tables.
*Most people don't realize schizophrenia becomes more manageable in middle-age.
*You soured me on the whole concept of humanity until I realized not everyone is an imbecile.

27. Do they speak English?
*Only when they swear.
*Yes. You should try it sometime.

28. When they arrived, did they know how to use the toilet?
*Yes, of course, because it's easier than reaching the faucet. [Pause here so they can think about what you just said.]
*Don't worry. They won't try to flush you. I explained to them the different kinds of turds.

29. Why don't they have birth control in that country?
*They want rich Americans to take their children away. It's a master plan to bring down the United States.

30: Do they still speak (Swahili, Chinese, Spanish, Russian)?
*Only at school. It gets them special ESL accommodations. We're trying to game the system.
*That and five other languages, all fluently.
*Yes, and they're teaching me several new ways to tell you to $#@! off!

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]]>adoptionadoptive familiesAdoptiveFamiliesthe editors at ParentDishTue, 30 Nov 2010 08:00:00 ESTToday's Riddle Me Thishttp://www.parentdish.com/2010/10/18/todays-riddle-me-this/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/10/18/todays-riddle-me-this/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/10/18/todays-riddle-me-this/#commentsFiled under: , , , , , , , , , ,


A man took a walk outside for an hour under heavy rain on an open road without an umbrella or anything covering his head. Yet his hair didn't get wet. How could this be?

Click on this link for the answer.

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]]>Tom HendersonMon, 18 Oct 2010 06:00:00 ESTTake the Bite Out of Your Kid's Fear of Petshttp://www.parentdish.com/2010/10/15/take-the-bite-out-of-your-kids-fear-of-pets/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/10/15/take-the-bite-out-of-your-kids-fear-of-pets/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/10/15/take-the-bite-out-of-your-kids-fear-of-pets/#commentsFiled under: , , , , , , , ,

child st. bernard dog picture

Help your kids overcome their fear of furry, four-legged creatures. Credit: Corbis

Here's another issue to give parents -- oh, we're saying it -- "paws": Lots of little ones are afraid of Fido.

However, since experts claim it's good for kids to be around dogs and other pets, it pays to help your children overcome their fears of the four-legged set.

"Your children's pets are much more than pals -- they can also teach them some valuable lessons about life," Cesar Millan, who has been called the Dr. Phil of pets, says on his website. Milan, who hosts National Geographic's popular TV series, "Dog Whisperer," says he believes it's good for all kids to grow up around dogs.

So, what's a parent to do if a child loses it at the sight of Lassie?

Heidi Ganahl, founder, president and CEO of Camp Bow Wow, one of the largest pet care franchises in North America, offers a five-step program to get kids physically and psychologically acclimated to animals.

"Let's face it: Animals can be scary to some children," Ganahl says in a release. "They make loud noises, jump and lick your face, which, to a child, can be traumatizing."

What's more, children need to be taught how to behave around dogs. Pulling tails and grabbing food or toys out of the dog's mouth are no-nos, she says. Here are her tips for helping kids face their animal fears:

1. Don't force contact. Forcing your child to pet an animal or insisting that a pet is harmless may only increase your child's fear. It's important to keep your child calm around the dog or cat. If they are forced to make contact it may only frighten your child (or the animal) even more.

2. Create story times. Read your child stories about happy pets and owners. Depending on your child's age, this can greatly impact how your child feels about dogs and cats.

3. Practice petting. Try showing your child how to properly act around pets with a stuffed animal. Show him or her how to gently pet and safely play with their furry friend. This makes for a lovable practice buddy that your child can feel more comfortable around.

4. Arrange play dates. Once your child stops fearing pets at a distance, it may be time to try introducing him or her to a friend or relative's dog or cat in doses.

5. Adopt a pet. Take your child to a pet adoption site, and try letting your child pick out a new pet. The excitement of having a pet of his or her choice may be the incentive needed to lose the fear.

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]]>children and petsChildrenAndPetsfamily petsFamilyPetspet fearsPetFearspetsMary Beth SammonsFri, 15 Oct 2010 12:14:00 ESTAre Some Halloween Costumes Too Scary?http://www.parentdish.com/2010/10/12/are-some-halloween-costumes-too-scary/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/10/12/are-some-halloween-costumes-too-scary/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/10/12/are-some-halloween-costumes-too-scary/#commentsFiled under: , , , , ,

halloween costume picture

Leave the fake axes to the adults. Credit: Tim Sloan/AFP/Getty Images




When my mother took me to see "Burnt Offerings" at the vulnerable age of 8 and "The Shining" at 12, instead of leaving the theater traumatized, I developed a healthy, even ravenous, taste for terror. And in accordance with my love for horror films, Halloween is my favorite holiday. Now that my kids are nearing that age range, I'd love to pass my passion onto them.

The costume search is perhaps the most exciting part of Halloween for my family and each year, we take delight in choosing costumes together. As the seasons have come and gone, my kids have dressed as The Cat in the Hat, Power Rangers, Mad-Eye Moody, Sam I Am and various witches and Star Wars characters.

But, these days, a trip through the Halloween costume section of any drugstore, mall, or website reveals something absolutely sinister. Even as a self-proclaimed terror junkie, I am appalled by some of the violent costume options that are hanging on the shelves for kids.

Co-mingling with colorful cowboys, benevolent ghosts and family-friendly TV characters are kid-sized costumes for sadistic murderers, knife-wielding rapists, and deformed homicidal lunatics. Most costumes are for children under 12, but in many cases, they shockingly also come in sizes 4-6.

To name a few: Michael Myers from "Halloween 1 and 2", Leatherface from "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre," Pinhead from the "Hellraiser" series, Jason from "Friday the 13th," and Freddy Krueger from "A Nightmare on Elm Street" all come in kids' sizes. Just slapping an R rating on these films is like putting a surgeon general's warning on a hand grenade. Kids are likely to be drawn to these costumes and ignore the rating no matter how hard we as parents pull them in another direction.

The inappropriateness doesn't stop at the characters themselves. The costumes are accessorized with life-like bloody machetes, blood-stained knives, axes, chainsaws, severed limbs with bloody or bony ends, and other torture and murder toys.

Now, I am all for parents taking responsibility for teaching their kids good values, but when companies go out of their way to market patently inappropriate products to kids, it makes it that much harder for parents to instill and enforce these values.

And it's naive to think a kid would wear a movie-themed Halloween costume yet not be curious about the movie itself. Try to explain to your kid the difference between Leatherface and Bob the Builder. If kids in school are raving about how "cool" this Leatherface costume is, trying to convince your kid that what it represents is not-so-cool will send all kinds of mixed messages.

The real world is already saturated with violence; our kids don't need to be hosed down with it via Halloween costumes.

I admit that if my kids do develop cravings for creepy movies like I did, it may be my fault. But until then, there's plenty for them to sink their tiny teeth into, like R.L. Stine, Harry Potter and bowl after bowl of candy corn.

Joel Schwartzberg is a nationally-published essayist and author of "The 40-Year-Old Version: Humoirs of a Divorced Dad"

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]]>halloweenhalloween costumesHalloweenCostumesJoel SchwartzbergTue, 12 Oct 2010 16:00:00 ESTHaunted Amusement Parks, Attractions Aim to Scarehttp://www.parentdish.com/2010/10/07/haunted-amusement-parks/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/10/07/haunted-amusement-parks/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/10/07/haunted-amusement-parks/#commentsFiled under: , , , , , , , , , ,

Knott's Berry Farm haunted amusement park picture

Knott's Berry Farm shows their Halloween event in Buena Park, Calif. Credit: Knott's Berry Farm, AP

NEW YORK (AP) - If you're too old for trick-or-treating but still love getting spooked on Halloween, it's time to trade in the superhero costume for a ticket to a haunted house or theme park.

But attractions like Universal's Halloween Horror Nights and Atlanta's Netherworld Haunted House are not for the faint of heart. You'll be trapped in creepy mazes, disoriented by strobe lights and fog, and confronted by crazed monsters. Experiences like these are not recommended for kids under 13, but even some grown-ups may not be able to handle them. If watching a Stephen King movie keeps you up all night, or you're prone to panic attacks in small spaces, better stick to apple-picking or the child-friendly "Mickey's Not So Scary Halloween Party" at Walt Disney World.

On the other hand, if you love the tingle of terror that comes with a really creepy horror movie, this is your kind of fun.

David Mandt, spokesman for the International Association of Amusement Parks and Attractions, noted that a number of parks have added new elements to their Halloween events this year: "They're figuring out new ways to scare the daylights out of you."

Mandt said this year's Halloween offerings include a number of behind-the-scenes tours, including, at Busch Gardens Williamsburg in Virginia, "All-Access Insider," ''Eerie Insider" and "Monster Stomp Revamped Insider" tours for the park's Howl-O-Scream, http://www.howloscream.com. The tours include cast introductions, front-of-the-line access to a haunted house and a chance to have your makeup done like one of the performers.

Eastern State Penitentiary in Philadelphia, which was a real prison until 1971 and today is a National Historic Landmark, hosts an annual Halloween event called Terror Behind the Walls. The attraction also offers an after-dark VIP tour, where you get an hourlong flashlight-guided tour of cellblocks, including Al Capone's cell, isolation cells, and Death Row; http://www.terrorbehindthewalls.com.

Knott's Berry Farm, a theme park in Buena Park, Calif., boasts one of the oldest Halloween theme park events in the country, dating to 1973. when "it was a few decorations and a few employees putting on some masks," said spokeswoman Jennifer Blazey. The event, now called Knott's Berry Farm Haunt, has grown dramatically. This year it features 13 mazes (including "Terror of London" with foggy streets and Jack the Ripper), three "scare zones," 1,000 monster-actors, and seven live shows ranging from improv comedy to a hypnotist. While Knott's does not release attendance figures, Blazey said the month that the Haunt runs makes more money for the company than any other time of year.

And while Knott's does have a weekend daytime event for ages 3 to 11, with a costume party and trick-or-treating, the after-7 p.m. Haunt is for ages 13 and up; http://haunt.knotts.com/ for dates and tickets.

Universal Orlando in Florida began its Halloween attraction as "a tiny little experimental event with one haunted house over one weekend" in 1991, according to Jim Timon, senior vice president of entertainment. This year, hundreds of thousands of visitors from around the country are expected for the park's 20th annual Halloween Horror Nights, with eight haunted houses, six scare zones and 1,000 "scareactors" in the park. The content is newly created each year for the Horror Nights, with original story lines and characters. This year's characters include an evil master named Fear who drives all the other monsters' diabolical deeds. Details about the back stories in the park attractions can be found on Universal's website; fans can then see them come to life in the park.

Timon said the costumes, stories and sets are so rich, realistic and detailed that they are "film-quality. We could literally make our own new movies from these characters. The lighting, the special effects, the visuals - we do everything we can to suspend your disbelief and take away your illusion of control."

One of Universal's haunted houses this year is called Legendary Truth, an estate home with a history of murders that have resulted in paranormal activity. Timon said the house has an unusual set-up in which visitors trigger the special effects themselves. "People are used to us scaring them," he said. "When they are the ones triggering the effects by how they are interacting with the haunted house, that's even scarier. It's a cool trick when they eventually realize, 'I'm the one causing this.'"

A note to Harry Potter fans: Universal Orlando consists of two parks. Halloween Horror Nights takes place at Universal Studios Florida, not at its sister park, Islands of Adventure, where The Wizarding World of Harry Potter is located.

Universal Studios Hollywood theme park in Los Angeles has its own Halloween Horror Nights, which are mostly themed on horror films like "A Nightmare on Elm Street" and "Friday the 13th." For a new maze this year unrelated to the movies, Universal created an original graphic novella, "Vampyre: Castle of the Undead," which can be seen online. The park also created a new scare zone haunted by La Llorona, based on a Latin American legend of a crying woman who drowned her children in anger over her philandering husband.

Details and tickets for Universal parks on either coasts can be found at http://www.HalloweenHorrorNights.com.

Six Flags Great America in Gurnee, Ill., is also counting two decades of Halloween events with the 20th season of "Fright Fest." The park's new "Saw Live" haunted house is themed on the "Saw" movie series, with props, characters and scenes from the films. For younger children, the park has spook-free zones. Details at http://bit.ly/cVcqyq.

Netherworld Haunted House in Atlanta - http://www.fearworld.com - ranks No. 1 on a list of top scariest attractions compiled by Larry Kirchner, editor of Hauntworld Magazine, an online industry publication. Netherworld promises that visitors will find themselves fleeing flying gargoyles, escaping from a house where the floors crack open and furniture comes to life, and trying to avoid capture by a mad scientist known as the Mangler, whose victims meet their fate in a drowning tank, flesh compactor and acid room.

"When you go through a haunted house on the level of Netherworld, you're totally immersed in an environment as detailed as a movie," Kirchner said.

But he added that there's a major difference between watching a movie and visiting a haunted house. "When you see a horror movie, you're sitting in a theater seat 100 feet away from a screen and nothing is going to shake your seat or fall in your face. In a haunted house, you're living in the horror movie," Kirchner said.

He added that part of what makes haunted houses so compelling is that they are also "unscripted live shows" that change every night depending on how the actors interact with guests, so no two visits will be exactly alike. The complete list of Kirchner's 13 favorite Halloween attractions is at http://www.hauntworld.com.

Another list of Halloween bests comes from Haunted Attraction Magazine, which lists "Must-See Haunted Houses" at http://www.hauntedattraction.com, starting with House of Shock in New Orleans. Others in the Haunted Attraction top 10 are Kevin McCurdy's Haunted Mansion in Poughkeepsie, N.Y., Scarehouse in Pittsburgh; Dead Acres in Columbus, Ohio; House of Torment, Austin, Texas; Fear Itself, Mishawaka, Ind.; Dent School House, Cincinnati; Nightmare on 13th, Salt Lake City; Wisconsin Feargrounds, Waukesha, Wis.; and Blood Manor, New York City.

But how do the creators make these experiences so scary? Timon, from Universal, said one of the fundamentals at the Orlando park is disorientation. Strobe lights and ultraviolet lights dilate your eyes; maze-like corridors and darkness make it hard for you to figure out where you're going; mirrors make you think someone is next to you when they're actually some distance away.

"People are terrified of losing control," Timon said. "So we love taking away that control."

Another technique is distracting guests with an elaborate scene, like a gory body on a gurney. "You're focused on it because it's really elaborate, so you're not paying attention to the four people who are sneaking up on you," Timon said.

Just remember at all of these attractions, actors are trained to invade your space without ever touching or harming you, so you're always safe even when you're scared out of your wits.

It's terror "as a form of entertainment," said Timon. "People like the scare, but they know they're in a safe environment."

Copyright 2010 The Associated Press. The information contained in the AP news report may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or otherwise distributed without the prior written authority of The Associated Press. All active hyperlinks have been inserted by AOL. This article was written by BETH J. HARPAZ, Associated Press Writer.

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]]>Associated PressThu, 07 Oct 2010 11:30:00 ESTAre We Really Raising a Generation of Nincompoops?http://www.parentdish.com/2010/10/01/are-we-really-raising-a-generation-of-nincompoops/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/10/01/are-we-really-raising-a-generation-of-nincompoops/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/10/01/are-we-really-raising-a-generation-of-nincompoops/#commentsFiled under:

Today's parents are raising a generation of children who, while remarkably tech savvy, are at risk of losing a grip on fundamental life skills, according to a recent article by Associated Press writer Beth Harpaz. Harpaz refers to 7-year-olds who can't tie shoes, teenagers who can't operate a can opener and college students who don't know how to address an envelope.

As impressive as it is to see a 3-year-old figure out how to use Mommy's new iPhone app, I have to wonder whether Harpaz is right. Are we doing our children a disservice by limiting their opportunities to solve problems without clicking a mouse or asking Mom for help?

Seth Godin, author of "Linchpin," describes his experience with a group of 10- to 12-year-olds when he asked them how a drinking bird toy worked. One child said, "It tips back and forth like it's drinking water." "I know that's what it's doing, but how? What questions could you ask to help you figure out how it works?"

"After a few minutes of silence, one child said, "Tell us." Not only were these children unable to explain how the toy worked, they could not even pose questions of a willing adult that might help them figure it out!

Mark Bauerlein, author of "The Dumbest Generation," says, "Growing up with cell phones and Google means kids don't have to figure things out or solve problems any more. They can look up what they need online or call mom or dad for step-by-step instructions."

As tempting as it is to solve our children's problems for them or give them access to electronic tools that can dish out a quick fix, we must let our kids engage their minds with real-life challenges. Whether it's figuring out how to use the can opener when they've grown up with pop tops, tying their shoes when they're used to Velcro, or addressing an envelope in an era of emails, our kids must be less plugged-in, and more connected to the real world.

Human beings thrive on stretching and growing, and achieving -- through persistence and perseverance -- what might have appeared impossible. As parents, we must be careful that in our desire to keep our children happy and entertained, we don't deprive them of the pleasure of genuine accomplishment.

I don't believe we're bringing up a generation of nincompoops. But I do agree that unless we're careful, we run the risk of raising kids who don't have the patience or focus necessary for coping with life's inevitable challenges. My advice? Make sure there are enough "power outages" around your house to ensure that your kids don't lose the chance to solve puzzles, build, read, compose, paint, cook, and maybe even write an actual letter (versus email) to Grandma. The Internet may come and go -- or at least our server could go down -- but those basic human skills will serve our children forever.

 AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.

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]]>Susan Stiffelman, MFTFri, 01 Oct 2010 13:30:00 ESTShould I Keep Loaning Money to My Adult Daughter?http://www.parentdish.com/2010/09/20/should-i-keep-loaning-money-to-my-adult-daughter/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/09/20/should-i-keep-loaning-money-to-my-adult-daughter/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/09/20/should-i-keep-loaning-money-to-my-adult-daughter/#commentsFiled under: , , , , ,


Dear AdviceMama,

I've loaned $5,000 to my grown daughter (she's in her 40s). She has also borrowed money from her sister and stepmother in the last year and a half. She has two homes, one that she and her family live in and a vacation home in the mountains. They had their motor home repossessed and are having a hard time making car and mortgage payments. I am about to retire and I really don't want to give them what I have saved towards retirement. Also, I think it wouldn't solve the problem -- it would just be a temporary fix. Of course, she's not too happy with me right now (she has hinted at needing another loan) and I feel bad. Thanks for your input.

Signed,
Reluctant ATM

Dear Reluctant ATM,

I'm sure you've heard this many times, but it's true: Don't lend money to relatives unless you're in a position to part with it forever. While I'm sure there are exceptions, I can't count the number of conflicts I've seen between family members over borrowing -- and repaying -- money. The loaner says, "You told me you'd repay me in February and it's August!" while their adult son replies, "Well you obviously you don't care about your whether your granddaughter gets to go to preschool!" And on it goes ...

Continue reading Should I Keep Loaning Money to My Adult Daughter?

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]]>Susan Stiffelman, MFTMon, 20 Sep 2010 11:00:00 ESTMy 17-Year-Old Is Drifting Away! What Should I Do?http://www.parentdish.com/2010/09/13/my-17-year-old-is-drifing-away-what-should-i-do/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/09/13/my-17-year-old-is-drifing-away-what-should-i-do/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/09/13/my-17-year-old-is-drifing-away-what-should-i-do/#commentsFiled under: , , , , ,

Dear AdviceMama:

I have a 17-year-old daughter and I sometimes feel like we're drifting apart. We used to be close, but not so much now. Is this just a part of growing up? Do I just give her the space she needs?

Signed,
Sad Mom

Dear Sad Mom,

You're asking one of the most common questions posed by parents of adolescents: Should I accept my teenager's lack of interest in spending time with me and back off entirely, or make a different kind of effort to stay connected?

This issue is confusing to us because our teenage kids often send mixed signals. One minute they're "normal" -- actually making eye contact and laughing at our jokes -- and the next they're tripping over themselves to get out of the house as soon as their friends honk the horn to pick them up.

Continue reading My 17-Year-Old Is Drifting Away! What Should I Do?

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]]>Susan Stiffelman, MFTMon, 13 Sep 2010 11:00:00 EST12 Steps to Becoming a Happier Grandparenthttp://www.parentdish.com/2010/09/12/12-steps-to-becoming-a-happier-grandparent/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/09/12/12-steps-to-becoming-a-happier-grandparent/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/09/12/12-steps-to-becoming-a-happier-grandparent/#commentsFiled under: , , ,

Happy grandmother holding granddaughter

Credit: Getty Images

The general public -- including our children and grandchildren -- may be more aware of Grandparents Day than, say, Root Canal Appreciation Day, National Hairball Awareness Day or Liberace's Birthday, but that's not saying much. Personally, I know of no grandparents, no matter how loving and selfless, who are regularly celebrated, let alone acknowledged, on this, our special day.

So, if the kids aren't going to pay any attention to us, let's take matters into our own hands. Let's step back and reflect on what it means to be a good grandparent. Here's a list of aspirations for the coming year, a sort of 12-step program for grandparents who love, judge, spend or worry too much -- and all the rest who simply adore their grandkids.

Step 1: Put Your Faith in Your Adult Children

A wise friend suggested that the more I trust my son and daughter-in-law to be good parents, the better parents they'll be. This means not rushing to judgment or second-guessing their every move -- even silently. Our faith helps to bolster their confidence; our criticism and doubt undermine it. Besides, if we grandparents learned (eventually) how to be "good-enough" parents (to quote D.W. Winnicott), so will they.

Continue reading 12 Steps to Becoming a Happier Grandparent

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]]>the editors at Grandparents.comSun, 12 Sep 2010 09:00:00 EST