ParentDishhttp://www.parentdish.comParentDishhttp://www.parentdish.com/media/feedlogo.gifParentDishhttp://www.parentdish.comen-usCopyright 2012 Weblogs, Inc. The contents of this feed are available for non-commercial use only.Blogsmith http://www.blogsmith.com/Baby Shower Gifts for Dadhttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/06/20/baby-shower-gifts-for-dad/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/06/20/baby-shower-gifts-for-dad/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/06/20/baby-shower-gifts-for-dad/#commentsFiled under: ,

When it comes to baby showers, mom seems to be the one who is showered in gifts. But, dad deserves presents too. These dads from DadLabs asked around to find out what the best gifts for new dads are. Hint: burp cloths are not at the top of the list. Golf stuff, tools and beer seem to be common themes. Shocking, right?

Baby Shower Gifts For the Dad?

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]]>baby shower giftsgifts for DadJessica SamakowMon, 20 Jun 2011 17:00:00 ESTA Little Time Apart Can Shield Toddlers from Mom's Depressionhttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/06/15/mom-depression/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/06/15/mom-depression/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/06/15/mom-depression/#commentsFiled under: , , ,

child care

Credit: Getty Images

If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

Fortunately, research has discovered a way to keep toddler's from getting caught in the fallout of their mother's depression: Stay the bleep out of her way.

It's true. WebMD reports just a few hours of child care can shield toddlers from the psychological radiation of an exploding mommy.

Mommies often lose their tempers because small children can drive them feather-plucking insane. Just a few hours apart acts as a pressure valve for both mother and child, lead researcher Lynne Giles of the University of Adelaide in South Australia tells WebMD.

"Modest amounts of formal child care in toddlerhood for the children of mothers with recurrent depressive symptoms can have enduring benefits for the emotional and behavioral state of the child around the time they transition to school," says Giles.

By "formal child care," Giles means day-care centers or paid caregivers such as a nannies. Informal child care, by contrast, is leaving with the kids with Grandma. No offense to Grandma, but the formal child care showed a more beneficial effect in the study.

Of the 438 moms in the study, 69 percent showed no signs of depression, 20 percent reported some depression and 11 were seriously bummed out. Formal day care seemed to help mostly moms with chronic depression.

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]]>BabysitterChild CaredaycareToddlers Child Care Maternal Depression Respite Behavior AustralTom HendersonWed, 15 Jun 2011 14:30:00 ESTWriting a Will: Yes, Parents, You Need One!http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/25/writing-a-will/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/25/writing-a-will/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/25/writing-a-will/#commentsFiled under:

writing a will

Creepy? Maybe. But you need to write a will. Credit: Getty Images

The idea of writing a will gives some of us the creeps. After all, what you're preparing for is your demise -- hardly a rosy thought. But, if you're a parent, it's essential to start planning for that fateful day.

Your kids depend on you f,or more than your love -- they depend on you for their quality of life. And, if something happens to you and/or your spouse, you need to make sure they're taken care of. Who will they live with? How will they be raised? Who gets your wedding ring? You want a say in all these decisions and more.

Beyond a gloomy reputation, there are also lots of misconceptions about wills. Two biggies: what they cost and how they work.

Myth No.1: Wills are expensive. Cost is number one on the list of why more of us don't have wills. In fact, a study by Lawyers.com last year found that more than 40 percent of folks blamed tight finances as the reason why they haven't gotten a will yet. But a basic DIY will kit -- which makes clear who will be the guardians of your children, along with some basic estate decisions -- only costs about $50 on sites such as Nolo and LegalZoom.

Your kids are worth at least half the cost of your monthly cable bill, right? Making a full estate plan that involves a lawyer can run you $500 to $1,000, depending on how complicated your estate and your instructions are.

What costs more than that, however, is fighting the judgment of the court if you or your spouse doesn't have a will. A contest in court between you and your in-laws could cost upwards of $10,000. Wills and trusts are your first line of defense -- and an investment in protecting not only your family unit, but everything you've worked so hard to have.

Myth No. 2: Your spouse and kids will get your assets anyway. The same study found that 20 percent of Americans think the courts automatically hand over what you have to your spouse and/or kids when you die. Wrong. Not having a will means not only that a judge will decide where your kids (and your assets and debts) go, but that someone can contest and fight those decisions.

Really, a will is just the beginning. You also need a living trust to name beneficiaries for assets, including your house, retirement funds or even jewelry or a car. Of course, a solid living trust should go through the eyes of a lawyer, even if you get started on your own online. The extra money spent is all about preventing gobs more from leaving your estate down the road.

We know what you're thinking: "Estate? What estate?!" But estate is just a fancy word for the stuff you've got that's worth something -- from equity in your home to cash in the bank to retirement savings. All are part of your "estate," and thus part of estate planning, no matter how big or small.

So squash your excuses. Keep the courts out of your family affairs and your stuff. Get that will today, and work on that living trust, too. You'll make sure that on that fateful day, what your loved ones are mourning is you -- not the loss of their home and way of life, too.

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]]>estate planningwriting a willwriting your willthe editors at iVillage.comWed, 25 May 2011 10:30:00 ESTKid-Friendly Living Room Decoratinghttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/04/27/kid-friendly-living-room/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/04/27/kid-friendly-living-room/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/04/27/kid-friendly-living-room/#commentsFiled under: , ,



A living room that's comfortable, stylish and appreciated by all age groups? It's possible.

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]]>home-decoratingkids-roomsVideothe editors at ShelterPopWed, 27 Apr 2011 17:00:00 ESTYour Baby: Going Green From Head to Toehttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/04/22/going-green/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/04/22/going-green/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/04/22/going-green/#commentsFiled under: , ,

going green

Credit: Corbis

From organic food to eco-friendly fashion and hybrid cars, more and more people, including new parents, are "going green" these days. But, with so much information out there, the lifestyle change can often be overwhelming.

"There are certain things that are obvious," said Dr. Benjamin Kligler, a board-certified family practitioner and director of research at the Continuum Center for Health and Healing in New York City. "For example, watching fish consumption because of mercury is a great place to start from keeping your baby from toxic exposure."

According to the Food and Drug Administration, moderate seafood consumption (12 ounces a week) during pregnancy is OK as long as fish known to be high in mercury, such as shark and swordfish, are avoided.

As many parents know, a good part of the pregnancy is spent getting the nursery ready. This may involve everything from painting to stripping floors. If that's the case, Kligler suggested getting out of the house.

"If there's construction going on in your house, mothers-to-be should probably move out during that time," he said. "Also, use low-volatile oil content paints. The paint doesn't have as much solvents, it's easy to find, and it's only about five percent more expensive than regular paint."

The bottom line -- be aware of what kind of chemicals you're exposing your body to.

"Things get exposed through the skin," Kligler noted. "It's not just about what you eat."

Once the walls are painted -- it's time to furnish the nursery. One must-have "green" item is the mattress, according to pediatrician Alan Greene, author of Raising Baby Green: The Earth-Friendly Guide to Pregnancy, Childbirth, and Baby Care.

"The first thing I would choose is an organic mattress because a baby's face is so close to the mattress all day."

If you're wondering what the difference is between an organic mattress and a conventional one -- it all comes down to the chemicals. Some of the materials used to make synthetic mattresses include: Flame retardants, polyurethane, foam, polyester, plastic and formaldehyde, noted Greene. He also stressed that children sleep on mattresses for more than 12 hours a day so using a green mattress, free of chemical additives, is important.

Going Organic

Another huge part of going green is what you put in your mouth and your child's mouth.

"If there was one time in a life to have organic food, it's from conception through that first year of life," said Greene.

Here's a list of his Top 5 essential organic foods:

1. If you're going to eat beef, make sure it's organic to avoid all the growth hormones.

2. Organic milk is also a must because of the pesticide and antibiotic use. Some studies have also found organic milk has more antioxidants and healthier fats compared to regular milk.

3. Organic potatoes. Regular potatoes have the highest average amount of pesticides of any produce item -- even after peeled and washed, noted Greene.

4. An apple a day -- but, only if it's all-natural. Apple trees are often sprayed with organophosphate pesticides, which are actually nerve agents used to kill insects. Exposure to this agent can alter brain function and kids are the most susceptible.

5. Soy also falls under this category. Most of the soy crop planted in the United States is genetically modified (87 percent). So it's a good idea to always buy organic soy.

When it comes to breast-feeding or bottle-feeding, both Kligler and Greene strongly agree that breast-feeding is the best option. But, for those moms who opt to bottle-feed, there are a few green guidelines to follow.

"Breast-feeding isn't right for everybody, so if you're not going to do that, organic formula is a good way to go," Kligler said.

And what kind of bottle you put the formula in is also very important.

"I do suggest using a bottle that is bisphenol-A (BPA) free, said Greene. "Studies in animals have found it's very clear that BPA is an endocrine disrupter."

Up next on the list -- household cleaning products.

"Go into your cabinets and throw out everything that has a long list of ingredients you can't understand," said Kligler.

Once you've accomplished that task, it's time buy some new supplies.

"Go for environmentally friendly products," said Greene. "Studies have shown during pregnancy the use of certain cleaning products can lead to a higher risk of asthma."

Greene, who's a father of four, practices what he preaches. He told FoxNews.com that his family uses cleaning products from the Shaklee Corporation, a company that has been producing natural cleaning products for the last five decades. Shaklee's Get Clean household line offers everything from disinfecting wipes to dryer sheets, which are all made from "pure" ingredients.

Last, but not least -- diapers.

"Some people get really obsessed with diapers," said Greene. "But when you calculate the whole thing out (whether you're using cloth of disposables), it's about equal to burning 54 gallons of gas. That's all the diapers for an entire year. So, you can relax a little bit. There are a lot of things that have a bigger environmental impact."

The big take home message, according to Greene, "There is not a separation between the environment and us. Everything you breathe in, eat and put on your skin has an effect."


More stories from FoxNews.com:
Celebrities Who Promote Breastfeeding
132-Pound Toddler
Best and Worst Easter Treats

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]]>Going greenGreeningthe editors at FoxNews.comFri, 22 Apr 2011 09:30:00 EST'You're the Meanest Mom in the World!'http://www.parentdish.com/2011/04/04/youre-the-meanest-mom-in-the-world/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/04/04/youre-the-meanest-mom-in-the-world/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/04/04/youre-the-meanest-mom-in-the-world/#commentsFiled under: , , ,


Dear AdviceMama,

My 12-year-old wants to do things that her friends get to do, but I don't think she's old enough and she's furious ... what should I do?

Signed, "Meanest Mom"


Dear Mom,

When it comes to contests, there's one that nearly every responsible parent wins now and then, and that's "Meanest Mom (or Dad) in the World!" If you take your parenting role seriously, it's inevitable that there will be times when your instincts about what's appropriate or safe for your youngster will collide with what they desperately want to do.

The first thing to keep in mind is that we need to be our child's parent, and that often means they aren't going to like us. Our job is not to be their friend, although it's wonderful when we're getting along and sharing laughs, interesting conversation or mutual interests. But hopefully you have your own friends. If you're looking to your child to fulfill your friendship needs, you're in trouble. To parent effectively, you have to be willing to create clear boundaries, even if it means your daughter "hates" you.

She doesn't hate you. She's mad.

And, underneath her anger, she's sad, or afraid, or anxious about what will happen because of your "no." In her mind, maybe she'll be excluded from future get-togethers with friends, and lose status in her social group. Or maybe she's afraid the other girls will talk badly about her behind her back (a realistic fear for a 12-year old). Or, she could be terrified that if she doesn't get to go to the mall/watch that R-rated movie/spend the night at Caitlyn's when her parents aren't home, she'll look like a baby to her peers, a horrible notion to a tween.

When these concerns get triggered by your "no," it's time to let your daughter vent, but it isn't time to offer long explanations. In the midst of her fury, she doesn't have the wherewithal to process whatever rational explanations you might have to offer. If you come at her with logic about why she can't do the sleepover or watch the R-rated movie, you'll simply awaken her "inner lawyer" and end up in loud, messy, and ultimately unsatisfying debate and drama.

My advice is to state the facts: "Unfortunately I'm not comfortable letting you sleep at Caitlyn's when her parents are away." If your daughter starts to fling horrible accusations, stay as steady as you can, at least on the outside. (On the inside, you may be crumbling, but try your best to appear strong.)

If she demands a reason, the best line is this: "I know you desperately want to go, and, whatever reason I give you right now isn't going to make any sense." This doesn't mean that later, when she's calmed down, you shouldn't explain your thinking. I think it's very important for children to understand what informs your thinking -- when they're calm enough and capable of doing so.

But in the midst of a hurricane, we don't hang pictures on the wall. When a child is in the midst of an emotional storm, it's not the right time to try to convince them of why your limitations are in their best interest. It will be tempting to justify your decision, especially if your daughter accuses you of being mean, old-fashioned, behind the times or any number of awful things.

This too shall pass. It may help to align with similarly-minded parents, so your daughter isn't the only one who doesn't get to do certain things. And of course, as she gets older, you'll have to continue to adjust, and rethink what is and isn't okay.

I would even go as far as saying that if you're on the fence about whether you feel comfortable with her doing something, you might invite her -- if she's respectful and calm -- to lay out the facts to you, and perhaps give you information that might change your mind.

But in the same way that we don't negotiate with terrorists, I would strongly discourage you from caving in to your daughter's demands simply because she's worn you down or hurt your feelings.

Effective parenting requires us to make choices that often cause us to temporarily lose the popularity contest with our kids. That's OK. In the long run, it's our job to parent, not make sure our kids like us. Sad, but true.

Ultimately, what will help your daughter the most will be your calm, soothing presence, helping her offload her fears about what your "no" might mean to her social status. It's likely she'll need to have a good cry. Who better to do that with than her loving parent? That would be ... you!

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]]>am I a mean mommean mommeanest momtweensSusan Stiffelman, MFTMon, 04 Apr 2011 13:00:00 ESTSure, Your 7-Year-Old Can Walk, But Why Not Carry Him?http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/22/sure-your-7-year-old-can-walk-but-why-not-carry-him/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/22/sure-your-7-year-old-can-walk-but-why-not-carry-him/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/22/sure-your-7-year-old-can-walk-but-why-not-carry-him/#commentsFiled under: ,

If you thought carrying your baby for the first year or two was tough, I've got some bad news for you. It's the Piggyback Rider -- a newfangled, $80 child carrier that promises it can handle kids up to 60 pounds ... and 7 years old.

Yep. Now you can schlep your little second grader around, on your back, just like you did when she was 1. Or 2. Or maybe a petite 3. Suddenly, the idea that we should be carrying our kids around for another four or five years is supposed to sound normal. Even fun. Even good for parents and kids. When actually, it's ridiculous for both.

"Children (2½ - 7 years) love the height advantage, rest and, most of all, the quality time with their parents," boasts the Piggyback Rider website.

Ack! Kids love the "rest" they get? Aren't kids supposed to be running around? Aren't they getting fat enough already? Aren't we -- the grown-ups! -- the ones who always need a rest? I know I sure do! And if I was staggering under the weight of a whiny grammar school student grabbing my hair, I'd need three days in a mud bath before I could get up again.

As for "quality time" with parents, how does this qualify? The kid is strapped in. He's talking to a ponytail. He has as much free will as a mounted moosehead. Is it really quality time when you're Mommy's backpack?

The whole idea of carrying one's children usually has to do with their inability to get around on their own. Once a kid is capable of walking, why stop them? Would you stop a kid from chewing? "Wait, honey! Let me chew that first!" Or wiping himself? "Bend over!" So why stop a kid -- and we're not talking about children with special needs here -- from literally standing on his own?

In the video about the device, the creator crows that it is great for "adventures" like "applepicking." But the joy of applepicking is freely frolicking -- a joy denied to kiddie cling-ons.

Under the guise of easing a parent's burden and helping kids, this product does just the opposite. It burdens parents far longer than anyone ever dreamed, and it stunts kids by making them dependent on their parents.

That said, I bet it'll sell. Anytime you can convince parents that they should be doing more, for longer, for their perfectly capable kids, you can usually make a buck. Or $80.

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]]>piggyback riderPiggybackRiderLenore SkenazyTue, 22 Mar 2011 11:00:00 ESTTreating Depressed Moms Makes Kids Feel Better, Too, Study Sayshttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/17/treating-depressed-moms-makes-kids-feel-better-too-study-says/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/17/treating-depressed-moms-makes-kids-feel-better-too-study-says/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/17/treating-depressed-moms-makes-kids-feel-better-too-study-says/#commentsFiled under: , , ,

Watch Video Related to This Article
depressed moms

Treating mothers will treat their kids. Credit: Corbis

If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

So it stands to reason that when Mama lightens up, the dark cloud over her children's heads disappears, as well.

Researchers put this hypothesis to the test and -- whadaya know -- it's true. When a mother is successfully treated for depression, everyone has a better day. Especially the kiddies.

BusinessWeek reports researchers studied 80 women with children ages 7 to 17 who suffer from depression. The women were enrolled in a U.S. National Institute of Mental Health trial for the seriously bummed out. These are people who didn't respond to the first, second or even third attempts at treatment.

However, according to BusinessWeek, as soon as the melancholy mommies showed the first sign of improvement, kids start perking up at home and doing better in school. Overall, they just functioned better. Some mothers took longer climbing out of their funks than others.

But even among those women, children started feeling better. It just took them a little while longer to actually improve their performances at school.

Ladies who kept singing the blues saw, naturally enough, no improvement with their kids.

The study appears in the March 15 online edition of the American Journal of Psychiatry.

"This study shows that (depression) remission, even after several months of treatment, can have major positive effects not only for the patient but also for her children," researcher Myrna Weissman says in a journal news release.

Susan Stiffelman, a family therapist in Southern California who writes the "Ask Advice Mama" column for ParentDish, says depression is definitely contagious. She tells ParentDish the number one thing depressed mothers and fathers need to do is take action.

"You're really making a choice when you're choosing to do nothing, and that choice is to loop your child into your depression," she says.

Parents caught in that pit need to give their child a chance to climb out, Stiffelman says. Expose them to cheerful family members and friends. Let them them vent their feelings.

"You want to make sure your child still has a childhood," she says.

And although depression is contagious, Stiffelman tells ParentDish, "it's not a life sentence. It's not a given."

You always have choices.

"With so much in society that tells us that depression is inheritable, the best thing you can do for a child, if you're depressed, is for them to see you actively seeking help, support and treatment," Stiffelman says.

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]]>depressed momsDepressedMomsdepressionTom HendersonThu, 17 Mar 2011 17:30:00 ESTTop 10 Pieces of Advice I Just Made Up for Myself (See If Any Help You)http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/04/top-10-pieces-of-advice-i-just-made-up-for-myself-see-if-any-he/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/04/top-10-pieces-of-advice-i-just-made-up-for-myself-see-if-any-he/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/04/top-10-pieces-of-advice-i-just-made-up-for-myself-see-if-any-he/#commentsFiled under: ,


Acclaimed activist and author Gloria Steinem. Credit: Gloria Steinem
Acclaimed activist and author Gloria Steinem shares a few pieces of advice that she made up for herself - see if any help you!

10. If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, but you think it's a pig... it's a pig.

9. Marx was smart about a lot of things, but not about his embrace of "the end justifies the means." Actually, the means dictate the ends. We won't have laughter and kindness and poetry and pleasure at the end of any revolution unless we have laughter and kindness and poetry and pleasure along the way.

8. Laughter is the most revolutionary emotion - because it's free and can't be forced. Fear can be compelled. Even love can be compelled if we're kept isolated and dependent long enough. But laughter comes from an "Aha!" place of sudden understanding, when known things come together and make something new. Einstein had to be careful while shaving because when he suddenly had an "Aha!" he laughed and cut himself.

7. There's more variation among human groups than between human groups. "Masculine" and feminine" are created roles, just as are ideas of race and class. So when making any generalized statement about women and men, substitute, say, Gentiles and Jews, Whites and Blacks, or Rich and Poor. If it's still acceptable, okay. If it's not - it's not.

6. For 95 percent of human history, spirituality placed god in all living things. God was withdrawn from women and nature to make it okay to conquer women and nature. As a smart Egyptologist said, "Monotheism is but imperialism in religion." Here's the good news: What humans did, humans can undo.

5. Religion is too often politics in the sky. When God looks like the ruling class, we're in deep shit. When there's a limited priesthood, it's deeper. When we're told to obey in order to get a reward after death, it's deepest. Now that Doomsday religions have coincided with Doomsday weapons, it may mean life or death to return spirituality to religion.

4. The Golden Rule was written by smart folks for people who were superior: Treat others as you would want to be treated. Women and men who've been inferior need to reverse it: Treat yourself as well as you treat others.

3. Labeling makes the invisible visible, but it's limiting. Categories are the enemy of connecting. Link, don't rank.

2. All five of our senses exist only in the present. We can't fully live in the past or the future - or even in Computer Land. Right now where you are is all there is.

1. If even one generation were born without ranking and raised without violence, we have no idea what might be possible on this Spaceship Earth.

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]]>the editors at MarloThomas.comFri, 04 Mar 2011 12:28:00 ESTStop and Listen!http://www.parentdish.com/2011/02/23/stop-and-listen/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/02/23/stop-and-listen/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/02/23/stop-and-listen/#commentsFiled under: , ,

Credit: Andy Kropa/Getty Images

A friend of mine forwarded me the story below, which I found amazing. It reminded me of a time when Phil and I stopped in our tracks to listen to a street musician who was completely immersed in his music, and whose sound was so beautiful and pure he practically brought tears to my eyes. To this day the memory of it can make me smile - and I wish some of the hurried Metro passengers in this story had only stopped to listen. Read the story below (and read the original report from the Washington Post for more), then let's talk about it. Have we really become so rushed in our daily lives that we can't experience a moment of beauty?

The Story

On a cold January morning in 2007, a man with a violin played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes in a Washington, DC, Metro station. During that time, approximately 2,000 people went through the station, most of them on their way to work. After about three minutes, a middle-aged man noticed that there was a musician playing. He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds, and then he hurried on to meet his schedule.

About four minutes later, the violinist received his first dollar when a woman threw money in the hat and, without stopping, continued to walk.

At six minutes, a young man leaned against the wall to listen to him, then looked at his watch and started to walk again.

At 10 minutes, a small boy stopped to listen, but his mother tugged him along hurriedly. The kid stopped to look at the violinist again, but the mother pushed hard and the child continued to walk, turning his head the whole time. This action was repeated by several other children, but every parent - without exception - forced their children to move on quickly.

By 45 minutes, with the musician playing continuously, only six people had stopped and listened for a short while. About 20 gave money but continued to walk at their normal pace. The man collected a total of $32. When he finished playing, silence took over. No one noticed, and no one applauded. There was no recognition at all.

No one knew it, but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the greatest musicians in the world. He had played one of the most intricate pieces ever written, using a violin worth $3.5 million dollars. Two days earlier, he had played the same music in a sold-out theater in Boston, where the seats averaged $200 each. This day, though, he was playing incognito in the Metro as part of a social experiment organized by the Washington Post about perception, taste, and priorities.

This experiment raised several questions:

o. In a commonplace environment, at an inappropriate hour, do we perceive beauty?

o. If so, do we stop to appreciate it?

o. Do we recognize talent in an unexpected context?

One possible conclusion reached from this experiment could be this:

If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in the world, playing some of the finest music ever written, with one of the most beautiful instruments ever made, how many other things are we missing as we rush through life?

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]]>the editors at MarloThomas.comWed, 23 Feb 2011 15:36:00 ESTStupid Questions People Ask Adoptive Parents, and Our Smartass Answershttp://www.parentdish.com/2010/11/30/stupid-questions-people-ask-adoptive-parents-and-our-smartass-a/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/11/30/stupid-questions-people-ask-adoptive-parents-and-our-smartass-a/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/11/30/stupid-questions-people-ask-adoptive-parents-and-our-smartass-a/#commentsFiled under: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Adoptive parents

Actually, there is such a thing as a stupid question. Illustration by Dori Hartley


As we say goodbye to National Adoption Month, let's close on a positive note. If you're an adoptive parent, this list will give you great answers to the most ridiculous questions you will ever get. If you're not an adoptive parent, think of this list as a reminder of when to adopt a think-before-you-ask moment.

1. Are those your real children?
*No, they're robots from the planet Mergatroid who landed here overnight. Careful, they may zap you with their bacteria-building laser gun.
*Is that your real brain or a loaner from the moron store?

2. Where is their real mother?
*With your husband.
*Out on parole next month. I'll give her your address.

3. Are they orphans?
*Why yes, didn't you catch their cameos in "Annie?"

4. Are your children related?
*Yes, to your father.
*Yes, they're siblings. You know, like your parents.

5. What do they eat?
*Idiots who ask stupid questions.
*Oh, goodness. Am I supposed to feed them?

6. Why didn't their mother have an abortion?
*Why didn't your mother have an abortion?

7. Can we touch their hair to see what it feels like?
*Sure, for $100.

8. Were they abused?
*Do you consider stupid comments and questions abuse?
*Yes, someone hit them upside the head with a 2-by-4. Here, let me show you how it feels.

9. Did they eat monkey (kid from Africa), rice (kid from China), borscht (kid from Russia), rice and beans (Central/South America)?
*Yes, because they're walking stereotypes of [insert nationality], just like you're a walking stereotype of an American idiot.

10. Where/how did you get them?
*I think it was somewhere in a TSA patdown line.
*On sale at Macy's. Black Friday. Buy one get one free.
*Have you ever heard of the store Buy Buy Baby?
*Ebay.
*On the corner over there. I think there's some left if you want some.
*Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt had a few left over, so ...
*From the International Association of None of Your Damn Business.

11. Were they in an orphanage? If so, where and for how long?
*No, they were actually placed in a traveling, government-run circus.
*Yes, it was the hard-knock life for them, 'stead of kisses, they got kicked.
*Only until Fagin taught them how to pick pockets.

12. Do they come from Haiti? It's good they escaped the earthquake.
*Yes. All the other third-world disaster victims had been snatched up already.

13. Why did you adopt them?
*Because I wanted to gray faster, like you!
*Angelina was busy and Madonna couldn't take the bad publicity.
*Somebody's gotta do the household chores and it's not gonna be me.
*I'm starting a home mail-order business. Free labor!
*It was between them and a Chia pet, and all my plants end up dying.

14. Couldn't you have your own children?
*Sure, but it kinda seemed so ... 2009.
*Sure, but whenever I run into you, for some reason I'm unable to perform in the bedroom.
*What, and wreck this perfect body with saggers and stretch marks like you did? Hello?
*Yes, but God and I agreed that this isn't the right time for another Messiah.

15. Do you know anything about their real parents? Are they alive?
*Nope. I killed them. [Laugh madly.]
*I probably shouldn't say this, but, she's a well-known public figure and he's well, let's just say very important. [Say this in hushed tones.]

16. How much money did they cost?
*Less than the cost of your cosmetic surgery.
*I got the discount ones, so it wasn't too bad actually.
*They were in a basket with a note that said, "Free! Take 'em!"
*I got them for selling subscriptions to Mother Jones.

17. Don't you feel sorry for birth mothers?
*Yes, yours in particular.

18. Do they know who their real parents are?
*Yes, the ringmaster and the bearded lady.
*Honestly, does anyone?
*No, do you?

19. Do you have an open adoption?
*The offer is always open for them to return to the Big Tent.
*Absolutely. We swap children every two years with a sweet family in Ohio.
*Sure, we're going to have a seance tonight.
*Do you have an open marriage? Your husband said it was an open marriage. Gosh, I hope he was telling the truth. I would hate for you to be hurt by someone's boorish insensitivity

20. When will you take them to see their real parents?
*When the circus comes to town again next summer. They've promised us free tickets.
*Not until we're sure we wanna keep them.
*When they realize that we are just impostors, their fake parents.
*Thought you'd never ask. How's next Tuesday?
*Gee, what do you suggest? Did you ever meet your real parents, or were they moved to another zoo?

21. Did you get to "pick" them?
*There wasn't much choice after you eliminated the World's Shortest Man from consideration.
*Yes, we found a pick-your-own baby farm.
*Yep, like lint off your sweater. Here, let me get that for you.
*No, they fell right off the tree.

22. What do they call you? Mom?
*They've already adopted the American practice of, "Hey, you."
*'Mom' seems to have that motherly ring to it, which is kind of cool being that I'm their mom.
*They call me mom for the same reason people call you dumb ass. It just fits.

23. Did they have diseases when they came to America? Do they have diseases now?
*Only one. It's a strange jungle disease only communicable through a high-five. Hey, you didn't happen to ... ? Oh, never mind.
*They have foot-in-mouth disease, which I believe they caught from you.

24. Do any of them have HIV?
*Do you?
*No, you can't have sex with them.

25. Do you feel like you "missed out" on having your own children?
*Yes, morning sickness, extra baby weight and painful labor are all on my Christmas list this year.
*No, these little wonders fill that empty void that was my terrible, unsatisfied life of doom and gloom.
*There are worse fates. Just ask your parents.

26. Why did you wait so long to have children?
*We were too busy drinking, drugging and dancing naked on bar tables.
*Most people don't realize schizophrenia becomes more manageable in middle-age.
*You soured me on the whole concept of humanity until I realized not everyone is an imbecile.

27. Do they speak English?
*Only when they swear.
*Yes. You should try it sometime.

28. When they arrived, did they know how to use the toilet?
*Yes, of course, because it's easier than reaching the faucet. [Pause here so they can think about what you just said.]
*Don't worry. They won't try to flush you. I explained to them the different kinds of turds.

29. Why don't they have birth control in that country?
*They want rich Americans to take their children away. It's a master plan to bring down the United States.

30: Do they still speak (Swahili, Chinese, Spanish, Russian)?
*Only at school. It gets them special ESL accommodations. We're trying to game the system.
*That and five other languages, all fluently.
*Yes, and they're teaching me several new ways to tell you to $#@! off!

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]]>adoptionadoptive familiesAdoptiveFamiliesthe editors at ParentDishTue, 30 Nov 2010 08:00:00 ESTTips for Facing Infertility During the Holidayshttp://www.parentdish.com/2010/11/23/tips-for-facing-infertility-during-the-holidays/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/11/23/tips-for-facing-infertility-during-the-holidays/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/11/23/tips-for-facing-infertility-during-the-holidays/#commentsFiled under: ,

lori leroy picture

As a person dealing with fertility issues, Lori LeRoy finds the holidays especially difficult. Credit: Kevin Foster

Every bit as much as she embraces sharing the holidays with family and friends, Lori LeRoy says staring at the cards already arriving in her mailbox featuring the faces of smiling babies delivers a gripping sadness.

It is a silent grief, she tells ParentDish, and one she will wear just beneath the smile she brings to the holiday table.

For six years, the Indianapolis public relations director and her husband, Nick, have been through the grueling process of infertility treatments. Despite being able to belt out a whooping 22 eggs, oral hormones, in vitro fertilization and myriad treatments, which she ticks off like they were items on a menu, the couple has hit a fertility wall.

"I was strolling around Target last weekend, wiping away tears after seeing the cutest Santa onesies, stocking and toys," the 30-something LeRoy tells Parent Dish. "I think this season, I'll shop online to avoid a lot of potential heartache."

This year, even though LeRoy began her day running in a 5K Turkey Trot with close friends and will be surrounded at the table by her parents, aunt and uncle, nieces and nephews, her sister's family and her husband at her side, she says she feels utterly alone.

"We're calling them the 'hellidays,' " LeRoy says, referring to a pact with a friend who also is facing the holidays without a child.

Lori and her husband Nick have been dealing with fertility treatments for six years. Credit: Darren Ho

Infertility is a painful reality for 6 million women and men across the country, who find themselves in the midst of a holiday season that signals a time of celebration when their own uncertain futures seem sad, says Kristen Lohman Burris, an Idaho acupuncturist who treats hundreds of women facing infertility at her center.

Burris, who struggled with her own fertility issues for years, now has twins, and tells ParentDish she wants to send a message of hope to infertile couples: "You are not alone."

One out of every 10 couples in the United States is infertile, according to the American Fertility Association.

"One of the most painful experiences of one's life is the inability to conceive or stay pregnant," Burris tells ParentDish. "During the holidays people love to tell stories about their children -- what their children are doing in school, athletic achievements and funny anecdotal stories."

To help ease the heartbreak and tensions throughout the holiday season, Burris and other experts offer key survival strategies:

Smooth talk: Find a subtle way to let family members know that, yes, you are trying, but you'd rather focus on enjoying the holiday instead of talking about it right now, Elan Simckes, M.D., for Fertility Partnership of St. Peters, Mo., tells ParentDish.

"If your relatives don't get the message -- we all have that sweet-but-a-little-obtuse aunt, right? -- think of a short answer to the question before heading to the party, so you won't be put on the spot with nothing to say," Simckes says. "Be armed with other interesting news or information to share with your relatives, so you can give your answer to the baby question and then quickly turn the conversation in another direction."

Ban the baby department: During shopping treks to the mall, steer clear of the baby section, Burris advises.

Home alone: Staying in is not always a bad option, as holiday gatherings typically revolve around children, says Iris Waichler, author of "Riding the Infertility Roller Coaster: A Guide to Educate and Inspire."

"Give yourself a break from the ongoing parties and celebrations that you are not ready to participate in," she tells ParentDish.

Start new traditions. Create a new or different holiday ritual with your partner or close friends or family members as a way of acknowledging the holidays in a lower key, comfortable manner, Waichler says.

Create mantras: Burris suggests couples struggling with fertility should create an arsenal of internal mantras: "I will not be childless forever." "I will have stories to share like this one day, too."

Cry, baby: If all else fails, Burris recommends fleeing to the bathroom "for a good cry."

Like many couples, LeRoy has employed her sense of humor as a secret survival weapon. On behalf of other couples facing infertility this holiday season, she is launching her own Internet campaign: "National Don't Send Me Christmas Cards with Photos of Your Kids on Them Month," on her blog, "Fertility Foibles."

There, she chronicles the lighter side of infertility, "trying to find funny or awkward moments throughout the process of trying to get pregnant and pointing out the absurdity of some of it," she says.

"Getting cards with kids playing in the snow or dressed in matching sweaters is usually enough to send me and many other 'infertiles' over the edge," LeRoy tells ParentDish. "So, this year, snarky and bitter though it is, I am hoping to save some friends 44 cents by asking them not to send me a card. If that doesn't work, I'd advise people to just throw them away before they open them."

In an effort to tap into their parenting instincts, LeRoy and her husband have four rescued pets (three cats and a Labrador) and are adopting a second English Lab this Thanksgiving. They've also been mired in red tape in an effort to adopt a 3-year-old boy from an orphanage in Vietnam.

She says that sometimes what helps most "is to know that I am not alone."

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]]>fertilityinfertile couplesInfertileCouplesinfertilityMary Beth SammonsTue, 23 Nov 2010 15:32:00 ESTShould I Keep Loaning Money to My Adult Daughter?http://www.parentdish.com/2010/09/20/should-i-keep-loaning-money-to-my-adult-daughter/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/09/20/should-i-keep-loaning-money-to-my-adult-daughter/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/09/20/should-i-keep-loaning-money-to-my-adult-daughter/#commentsFiled under: , , , , ,


Dear AdviceMama,

I've loaned $5,000 to my grown daughter (she's in her 40s). She has also borrowed money from her sister and stepmother in the last year and a half. She has two homes, one that she and her family live in and a vacation home in the mountains. They had their motor home repossessed and are having a hard time making car and mortgage payments. I am about to retire and I really don't want to give them what I have saved towards retirement. Also, I think it wouldn't solve the problem -- it would just be a temporary fix. Of course, she's not too happy with me right now (she has hinted at needing another loan) and I feel bad. Thanks for your input.

Signed,
Reluctant ATM

Dear Reluctant ATM,

I'm sure you've heard this many times, but it's true: Don't lend money to relatives unless you're in a position to part with it forever. While I'm sure there are exceptions, I can't count the number of conflicts I've seen between family members over borrowing -- and repaying -- money. The loaner says, "You told me you'd repay me in February and it's August!" while their adult son replies, "Well you obviously you don't care about your whether your granddaughter gets to go to preschool!" And on it goes ...

Continue reading Should I Keep Loaning Money to My Adult Daughter?

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]]>Susan Stiffelman, MFTMon, 20 Sep 2010 11:00:00 ESTKrazy Coupon Lady Tips: Clipping Coupons Could Put $10,000 Back in Your Wallethttp://www.parentdish.com/2010/09/10/krazy-coupon-lady-tips-clipping-coupons-could-put-10-000-back/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/09/10/krazy-coupon-lady-tips-clipping-coupons-could-put-10-000-back/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/09/10/krazy-coupon-lady-tips-clipping-coupons-could-put-10-000-back/#commentsFiled under: , , , ,

Coupon clipping advice

Coupons can help you save big-time if you put in a little work. Credit: Getty Images


Want to save $10,000 a year? Of course you do, and coupon queens Heather Wheeler and Joanie Demer want to show you how.

After penning their 2009 guide to using coupons, "Pick Another Checkout Lane, Honey," the stay-at-home moms created TheKrazyCouponLady website.

"When we saw the downturn in the economy and how people were losing their jobs or taking pay cuts, we decided to develop an outlet to help people out," Wheeler tells ParentDish. "I, myself, started matching sale items to coupons found in the newspaper and went from spending $500 a month on groceries to $150 a month."

So, you're ready to start clipping? Wheeler says if you put just one hour a week into searching for coupons, the max you'll save is $200 a month. But, if you're willing to put a few more hours into your search, in the long run you can put $10,000 back into your wallet each year.

Continue reading Krazy Coupon Lady Tips: Clipping Coupons Could Put $10,000 Back in Your Wallet

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]]>couponsmoneysaving moneySavingMoneyshoppingIlyssa PanitzFri, 10 Sep 2010 11:00:00 ESTMy 7-Year-Old is Getting Kicked Off the School Bus for Misbehavior!http://www.parentdish.com/2010/08/23/my-7-year-old-is-getting-kicked-off-the-school-bus-for-misbehavi/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/08/23/my-7-year-old-is-getting-kicked-off-the-school-bus-for-misbehavi/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/08/23/my-7-year-old-is-getting-kicked-off-the-school-bus-for-misbehavi/#commentsFiled under: , ,


Dear AdviceMama,

My 7-year-old is very cranky most of the time. Time outs and taking things away from her don't seem to work. She got kicked off the school bus and sometimes has to sit in the school office at recess. I had her treated for ADHD and she is on meds. They work for a few hours and then we're back to square one. What else can I do to help her make better choices and do better not only at home but school as well?

Signed,
Worried Mom

Dear Worried,

I appreciate the caring tone in your question; you come across as wanting to help your daughter with her impulse issues, rather than angrily trying to figure out how to force her to behave herself. Indeed, children with ADHD can have significant challenges managing their behavior. It takes a strong and understanding parent to help them learn the skills to -- as you say, make better choices.

Continue reading My 7-Year-Old is Getting Kicked Off the School Bus for Misbehavior!

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]]>Susan Stiffelman, MFTMon, 23 Aug 2010 11:00:00 ESTAm I Horrible for Being Excited That My Daughter's Returning to College?http://www.parentdish.com/2010/08/16/am-i-horrible-for-being-excited-that-my-daughters-returning-to/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/08/16/am-i-horrible-for-being-excited-that-my-daughters-returning-to/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/08/16/am-i-horrible-for-being-excited-that-my-daughters-returning-to/#commentsFiled under: , , , , , ,


Dear AdviceMama,

My youngest of four daughters is heading off to college for her second year. I cannot tell you how happy it makes me that my husband and I will have the house to ourselves again. When she came home in May I thought I was going to die. The drama, the constant need for money, rides and teenagers in my house at night (when we were trying to sleep since we had work in the morning) was driving us crazy! Are we horrible for not enjoying this time when she is home?

Signed,
Missing My Empty Nest

Dear Empty Nest,

Your question left me chuckling for a long time. I love how honest you are, and how you're -- appropriately -- claiming your own space and life after giving so much of both to raising your girls.

Continue reading Am I Horrible for Being Excited That My Daughter's Returning to College?

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]]>Susan Stiffelman, MFTMon, 16 Aug 2010 13:00:00 ESTNo Boundaries for My Son at His Dad's House!http://www.parentdish.com/2010/08/02/no-boundaries-for-my-son-at-his-dads-house/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/08/02/no-boundaries-for-my-son-at-his-dads-house/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/08/02/no-boundaries-for-my-son-at-his-dads-house/#commentsFiled under: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,


Dear AdviceMama,

How do you set boundaries for high school teens (partying, late curfews) when one parent sets limits and the other parent doesn't? My son moved in with his father because he can keep doing what he wants and can get away with it. I can't set consequences because my son knows he doesn't have to follow since his dad doesn't enforce any consequences I try to set.

Signed,
Feeling Helpless

Dear Helpless,

Your situation is shared by many parents who feel powerless to set limits with their children or teens because the other parent undermines their authority. I wish there was an easy answer, but there isn't. (I assume the custody arrangement is not something you can change.) There are, however, things you can do to help your son make better choices, even if his father isn't on the same page.

Continue reading No Boundaries for My Son at His Dad's House!

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]]>Susan Stiffelman, MFTMon, 02 Aug 2010 11:00:00 ESTShould I Choose a Name My Husband Hates?http://www.parentdish.com/2010/07/29/should-i-choose-a-name-my-husband-hates/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/07/29/should-i-choose-a-name-my-husband-hates/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/07/29/should-i-choose-a-name-my-husband-hates/#commentsFiled under: , , , ,


I have loved the name Sloan since I heard it about three years ago and immediately knew that's what I would name my daughter. My husband has never liked the name. We have disagreed on it since. He has recently told me that if it is that important to me, he was fine with it. Is it really OK?

- Sloan Dreamer

Oh, what a happy problem! I know it doesn't look that way from where you sit, agonizing over a name that has held a special place in your heart for years. But trust me, this is the best kind of naming conflict you can have.

Continue reading Should I Choose a Name My Husband Hates?

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]]>baby name conflictsbaby namingBabyNameConflictsBabyNamingmarital happinessmarital-communicationMaritalHappinessproblem solvingProblemSolvingrelationship adviceRelationshipAdvicerelationshipsThe Name LadyThu, 29 Jul 2010 11:00:00 ESTSay What?! ParentDish Team Comes Clean on Cursinghttp://www.parentdish.com/2010/07/14/say-what-parentdish-moms-and-dads-come-clean-on-cursing/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/07/14/say-what-parentdish-moms-and-dads-come-clean-on-cursing/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/07/14/say-what-parentdish-moms-and-dads-come-clean-on-cursing/#commentsFiled under: , ,

You kiss your mother with that mouth? Illustration by Christopher Healy


Recently, we met a woman who revealed to us her best-kept parenting secret: For 30 minutes each week, in the privacy of her home, she lets her 8- and 11-year-old kids use all the swear words they can come up with. We were instantly struck by how brilliant an idea this is -- letting her kids use "bad words" not only lessens their shock value, it also allows her to hear firsthand what her kids are "learning" from week-to-week.

That got us thinking about our own kids and swearing, and we realized that we probably bear a great deal of responsibility for our kids' questionable vocabularies. And, apparently, we're not alone.

Nearly three-quarters of moms and dads admit to cursing at another driver with their child in the car, according to a recent Evenflo "Savvy Parents Survey" of 1,000 parents with kids younger than 5. Another 28 percent say they've flipped the bird, and 21 percent have rolled down their window to scream at another driver.

But while cursing may be common, and may even help relieve pain or prevent physical violence, it's hard not to cringe when your toddler repeats four-letter words with perfect diction.

We asked ParentDish editors and writers how they handle the issue of cursing in their homes. Have your own swearing story to share? Add a (bleepin') comment below.

Continue reading Say What?! ParentDish Team Comes Clean on Cursing

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]]>bad wordsBadWordscurse wordsCurseWordscursingprofanityswearingHoney BerkWed, 14 Jul 2010 13:00:00 ESTHelp! I Lost Our Home and I'm Feeling Overwhelmed!http://www.parentdish.com/2010/06/21/help-i-lost-our-home-and-im-feeling-overwhelmed/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/06/21/help-i-lost-our-home-and-im-feeling-overwhelmed/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/06/21/help-i-lost-our-home-and-im-feeling-overwhelmed/#commentsFiled under: , , , , ,


Dear AdviceMama,

How do you keep the upper hand when you are a single parent raising three kids in today's economy? I lost my house and we had to move back in with my parents (that is an entirely different issue), but I sometimes feel like I am losing at every turn. I work full time, and then only see my kids for two or three hours before bedtime. After that, I have to figure out cleaning, laundry and relaxing. Everyone says it should be easy, but it isn't. Any suggestions? Thank you!

Signed,
Hard Times

Dear Hard Times,

I'm so sorry to hear that you lost your house, and have had to navigate the many challenges that have come with that. You -- and many parents in your difficult situation -- have had to stretch well beyond what you probably imagined when you started your family. Pat yourself on the back for taking care of yourself and your children in the midst of such difficult times.

Continue reading Help! I Lost Our Home and I'm Feeling Overwhelmed!

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]]>Susan Stiffelman, MFTMon, 21 Jun 2010 11:00:00 EST