ParentDishhttp://www.parentdish.comParentDishhttp://www.parentdish.com/media/feedlogo.gifParentDishhttp://www.parentdish.comen-usCopyright 2012 Weblogs, Inc. The contents of this feed are available for non-commercial use only.Blogsmith http://www.blogsmith.com/Your Turn: Honoring Our Grandmothershttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/06/01/honoring-our-grandmothers/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/06/01/honoring-our-grandmothers/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/06/01/honoring-our-grandmothers/#commentsFiled under:

My grandmother was a wonderful source of inspiration. Her intrepid, fun-loving character -- and the support she always provided -- greatly encouraged me in the pursuit of my dreams.





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]]>grandmothersmarlo thomasthe editors at MarloThomas.comWed, 01 Jun 2011 17:30:00 ESTHenry Louis Gates Jr. on Tracking the Family History of Slaveshttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/24/henry-louis-gates-jr-on-tracking-the-family-history-of-slaves/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/24/henry-louis-gates-jr-on-tracking-the-family-history-of-slaves/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/24/henry-louis-gates-jr-on-tracking-the-family-history-of-slaves/#commentsFiled under: ,

family history

By Henry Louis Gates, Jr.

One of the transformative moments of my life occurred when my grandfather, Edward Gates, died in 1960. I was 10 years old, and, following his burial, my father showed me my grandfather's scrapbooks.

There, buried in those yellowing pages of newsprint, was an obituary -- the obituary, to my astonishment, of our family matriarch, an ex-slave named Jane Gates.

"An estimable colored woman," the obituary read, also mentioning that she had been a mid-wife.

"That woman was Pop's grandmother," my father said, quietly. "She is your great-great-grandmother. And she is the oldest Gates."

I was fascinated. I wanted to know how I got here from there: from the mysterious and shadowy preserve of slavery in the depths of the black past. I became obsessed with my family tree, and peppered my father with questions about the names and dates of my ancestors, which, ever so dutifully, I wrote down in a notebook.

I knew I had white ancestors. My father, his six brothers, and their sister, were clearly part white. I wanted to learn the names of both my black and white ancestors. I remember poring over ads in the backs of magazines that encouraged readers to send in their names and $20 or so, in exchange for one of those colorful European coats of arms, the sort one would see hanging on the wall of a castle in England.

I thought about ordering one for the Gates family. I knew it wouldn't have anything to do with me, necessarily, but who could be sure? As I got older, I even allowed myself to dream about learning the name of the very tribe we had come from in Africa.

I became an historian, in part, I think, out of this desire to know myself more fully, which, of course, over time became a desire to understand others, as well -- to learn about the past of my people, the African-American people, and, ultimately, the past of my nation.

Finding my own roots has been my lifelong quest ever since my grandfather's funeral. But there was always a problem in this search. And, if you're black, and have tried to trace your roots, you know it well: slavery. Slavery was, among many other evil things, a systemic effort to rob blacks of all family ties and the most basic sense of self-knowledge.

With very few exceptions, each slave had one name only, a first name. Good luck building a family tree for somebody who only has one name.

After decades of being frustrated by this experience, I decided to do something about it. Over the past four years, I have been producing a documentary series for PBS called "African-American Lives," which traces the family histories of prominent African-Americans back to slavery and beyond.

We track down every little scrap of paper we can find about our subjects, and when the paper trail ends, inevitably, in the abyss of slavery, we look at something that our ancestors from Africa brought with them that not even the slave trade could take away: our distinctive strands of DNA.

With cells collected from the insides of our mouths, geneticists can compare our genetic material to DNA samples taken from people on the African continent. The process is a bit like matching finger prints on "CSI."

The series was a risky experiment at first -- no one had tried this before -- but it has turned out to be a remarkably rewarding experience. I have learned more about myself and my people than I ever imagined possible. And I am very curious to see what you all think about this work.

As a parent, as well as an historian, I also encourage you to introduce your children to their family history. A great way to start is by showing them photo albums and scrapbooks from the past. That's how my father got my attention. Look for family documents such as obituaries, birth certificates, diplomas - - anything that might show your ancestors' names and details of their lives. Talk to older family members. Track down distant relatives. And write everything down. You also might want to check out "A Beginner's Guide to Tracing Your Roots" for more ideas.

If you've already introduced your children to their ancestry, how did you go about it?

This article was originally on PBSParents and was written by Henry Louis Gates, Jr. Henry Louis Gates, Jr. is the Alphonse Fletcher University Professor at Harvard University and the director of the W.E.B. Du Bois Institute for African and African American Research. He is also editor-in-chief of the Oxford African American Studies Center, the first comprehensive scholarly online resource in the field of African American and Africana Studies.

More From PBSParents.org:

African American Lives 2

PBS Parents - Black History Month Page

PBS Parents - Books that Bring the Black Experience to Life

PBS KIDS--Grow a Tree!

The Root

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]]>familyfamily historyfamily history of slaveshenry gates jr.slaveryPBSParents.orgTue, 24 May 2011 17:00:00 ESTBuilding the Branches of Your Family Treehttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/30/family-tree/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/30/family-tree/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/30/family-tree/#commentsFiled under: , ,

family tree picture

Family photos will help with your research. Credit: rick, Flickr

Google the phrase "family tree" and you may be overwhelmed by what you see. Certainly, there's no shortage of sites to help you navigate through the world of genealogy. But just like an oak tree starts out as an acorn, you need to start small and build your way up.

Here's what you need to know to get your seedling started.

"First, identify the oldest people in your family," Guillermo Fernandez, a budding genealogist who has been tracking his family's heritage for the past 15 years, tells ParentDish. Arrive for interviews armed with photos and ask about specific people and events to trigger memories.

Ask to see their photos, too, and then scan them into your computer. Names, dates and other factual information is great to get out of the way first, but the real meat comes from family lore and anecdotes. You're bound to hear some amazing stories. If permissible, consider video or audio taping these sessions.

Next, gather as much paper documentation as you can. This includes birth, marriage and death certificates, photos (those with names and dates on the back are ideal) and possibly even family heirlooms. You never know what you might find buried in your basement or stowed in your attic. See if your relatives have boxes in the deep recesses of their own homes that they might allow you to access. Think of it as a treasure hunt with the prize being a closer connection to your past.

Here are some online resources to aid in your search:

  • FindAGrave.com and Internment.net allow you to search data from thousands of cemeteries around the world.
  • USGenWeb.org, created and maintained by a group of volunteer genealogists, organizes free genealogy sites by county and state. WorldGenWeb Project is the international version.
  • Footnote.com works in conjunction with the U.S. National Archives, offering data, original records and images.
  • Nearly half of the U.S. population can trace their roots to Ellis Island. Consequently, its site is a treasure trove of data. Click on the genealogy tab for useful tidbits and tools.
  • ProGenealogists is a consortium of professional genealogists with experience, knowledge and access to billions of records.
  • Here are two well-established online sites that can help you store and organize your data: As the largest online resource for family history, Ancestry.com users can search from four billion historical records, with millions of names being added weekly. FamilyTreeMagazine.com, the online component of its bimonthly print publication, offers a free weekly e-newsletter, several blogs, online video tutorials and more.
The Internet just keeps getting more sophisticated with its genealogy research data and digital products. Fernandez gives a shout-out to Geni.com, which he says is trying to be the Facebook of genealogy.

"In fact," he says, "you can actually log in using your Facebook profile."

Once there, you can link up with other family members on the site and share photos, videos and events, create discussion threads and more. And because it's private, no one can view your information without your permission.

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]]>ancestorsancestryancestry.comevergreenfamiliesfamilyfamily funfamily tiesFamily TimeFamilyFunFamilyTiesFamilyTimegenealogygenealogy databasesgenealogy tree framesGenealogy.comGenealogyDatabasesGenealogyTreeFramesJulie Z. RosenbergWed, 30 Mar 2011 17:00:00 ESTHow to Create a Family Treehttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/01/27/a-family-tree/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/01/27/a-family-tree/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/01/27/a-family-tree/#commentsFiled under: , ,

a family tree

Software programs can help in your family tree research. Credit: MCT

There are as many ways to make a family tree as there are types of families.

Thankfully, there are some universal basics to help you get started. First, you need to collect your family's data. Start by interviewing family members, the oldest ones first, and gathering as much documentation as you can find. Many people find genealogy-specific software to be a boon in helping them collect and organize their information.

But, before you purchase any genealogy software, Consumer Search (a neutral aggregator of product reviews) recommends you consider the following:

  • Try before you buy. Take advantage of any free trial offers to weed out potential duds.
  • Look for GEDCOM, which stands for Genealogical Data Communication, the universal family-tree file format. It allows you and your relatives to use different programs, yet still share family data.
  • Make sure it's web compatible. Since the Internet has become an integral part of genealogy research, make sure the software you use works online.
Two of the best-reviewed genealogy software programs are RootsMagic and Legacy Family Tree.

Once you've accumulated and organized all the information you need, you can start thinking about how you want to display it. Just like the research component, there are many digital resources to help you create the family tree of your dreams. Here are a few to check out:
  • Family Tree Super Tools is compatible with most of the popular genealogy software and allows you to create multimedia slide shows with pictures, video and sound. The heirloom-quality wall charts are impressive, and you get a multitude of design tools and options.
  • Generation Maps has an impressive number of genealogy display products from bow-tie, fan and hourglass shapes to classic tree and pedigree styles.
  • SmartDraw offers a free trial of its software that helps you create unique family trees, genealogy charts and genograms, among other things.
  • Family Tree Templates has 40 different templates you can download for free, or you can pay a nominal fee to customize them.
There are many ways to put your personal stamp on your family tree, such as photos, hand and thumbprints or a family crest. If your family hails from all over the world, try incorporating a map into the design with some fun element that indicates who came from where. You're only limited by your imagination.

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]]>ancestryancestry.comevergreenfamilyfamily funfamily treefamily tree makerfamily treesFamilyFunFamilyTreeFamilyTreeMakerFamilyTreesgenealogygenealogy databasesgenealogy tree framesGenealogy.comGenealogyDatabasesGenealogyTreeFramesheritagesoftwarevideoJulie Z. RosenbergThu, 27 Jan 2011 15:00:00 ESTMy Son's Mean-Spirited Grandmother May Be Preventing Him From Grieving His Father's Deathhttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/01/24/my-sons-mean-spirited-grandmother-may-be-preventing-him-from-gr/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/01/24/my-sons-mean-spirited-grandmother-may-be-preventing-him-from-gr/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/01/24/my-sons-mean-spirited-grandmother-may-be-preventing-him-from-gr/#commentsFiled under: , ,







Dear AdviceMama,

My 9-year-old son lost his father last March in a motorcycle accident. His paternal grandmother filed for custody of him just hours after they turned off his father's life support. I have kept custody, but my son hasn't been able to grieve properly because of the catty, petty way his grandmother and her horrid boyfriend are with me and those around us. How do I help my child mourn his daddy properly with all this selfishness going on around him?

Signed,
Grieving Mom

Dear Grieving,

I'm so sorry to hear about the sad turn of events in your son's life, and in yours, as well. Losing a parent is extraordinarily difficult, but a sudden death like this must have left your young child in enormous shock, not to mention great sorrow.

While I am sure his grandmother would tell her version of the story, it is clear that what your son needs and deserves is to have the unified support of his loved ones to help him through his grief.

But even if his grandmother continues to make things difficult, there is much you can do to help your son grieve the loss of his father.

Here's my advice:
  • Encourage your son to talk about his loss, and create emotional space for him to voice his feelings with words like "Tell me more ..." when he expresses unhappiness or anger. Make sure he knows that when he's with you, it's safe to vent big emotions.
  • Create rituals that honor his father's memory. You might light a candle once a week and talk about his dad for a few minutes. Or allow your son to set up photos in a special area where the two of you go to sit and remember his dad. This might help him reach inside to feel the sadness that he might otherwise be suppressing.
  • Use his father's name in conversation to keep his presence alive for your son. Sometimes people are uncomfortable about mentioning someone who has passed because they don't want to remind a loved one of their loss. But it's very important for a grieving person to feel that those around him are thinking of the loved one who has died, and miss him, too.
  • Don't push your son into grieving. Allow him to express his sadness when he's able and willing, but recognize that he will also want to play and have fun, and that doesn't necessarily mean he's repressing his feelings.
As upsetting as it is that your son's grandmother has been so mean-spirited, her behavior doesn't have to rob you of the ability to help your son grieve. We can hope that in time she will find a healthier way to deal with her own grief.

Meanwhile, follow these suggestions to help your son move through this loss, and seek professional counsel if he demonstrates symptoms like excessive irritability, difficulty concentrating, trouble sleeping, appetite changes, academic problems, withdrawal, diminished interest in activities or extreme sadness.

Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama

AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.

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]]>grieflosing a parentLosingAParentSusan Stiffelman, MFTMon, 24 Jan 2011 11:00:00 ESTAll in the Step Family: 4 in 10 Americans Have Step Relativeshttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/01/18/all-in-the-step-family-4-in-10-americans-have-step-relatives/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/01/18/all-in-the-step-family-4-in-10-americans-have-step-relatives/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/01/18/all-in-the-step-family-4-in-10-americans-have-step-relatives/#commentsFiled under: ,

Stepkids, stepdads, stepmoms ... All are welcome in the blended family mix, a new survey shows. Credit: Getty

In a real-life take on the show "Modern Family," four in 10 Americans are including all sorts of step relatives -- sibs, kids, cousins, moms and dads -- on the branches of their family trees. And they're liking the blended mix, a new Pew Research Center survey shows.

It doesn't matter what's feeding the mix, such as divorce or babies born out of wedlock. People say family ties are the most important priority in their lives, according to the survey, but biological connections continue to trump step relatives when it comes to the sense of obligation and loyalty to the clan.

Researchers surveyed 2,691 adults and their families and found 42 percent say they have at least one step relative. Of that 42 percent, 18 percent have a living stepparent, 13 percent have at least one stepchild and three in 10 have a half sibling.

Blended families are as likely as others to say family is the most important element in their lives, Kim Parker, author of the report, tells the Washington Times. "Having a step family is not something most people anticipate or plan for, and that is reflected in the survey findings."

Research around step families is in its early stages, according to the Pew study, but it's not a far stretch to point to Americans for fueling these growing step family numbers, experts say.

Americans marry and divorce faster than people in any other industrialized county, writes sociologist Andrew J. Cherlin his 2009 book, "The Marriage-Go-Round: The State of Marriage and Family in America Today."

But having a step family is not something most people foresee. Fifty-four percent say their family life has not turned out as expected. However, seven in 10 who have at least one step relative say they are very happy with their family lives, the survey finds.

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]]>blended familiesBlendedFamiliespew research centerPewResearchCenterstepfamiliesstepparentsMary Beth SammonsTue, 18 Jan 2011 12:45:00 ESTHow to Find the Light in an Interfaith Marriagehttp://www.parentdish.com/2010/12/28/interfaith-marriage/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/12/28/interfaith-marriage/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/12/28/interfaith-marriage/#commentsFiled under: , ,

interfaith marriage

Christmas lights or a menorah? Different religions don't have to be a big deal in a family. Credit: Corbis

You're an Irish Catholic school teacher who falls in love with a Jewish cab driver/aspiring novelist at a New York City bus stop.

Naturally, complications ensue.

This is the premise of "Bridget Loves Bernie," a sitcom that appeared briefly on CBS in 1972. It appeared briefly, network executives say, because of a flood of letters from people upset about a Catholic-Jewish romance.

Like that's anything new. A Catholic girl falling for a Jewish boy was the subject of the Broadway play "Abie's Irish Rose" in 1922. It became a radio show in 1942, with Bud Collyer (who was also the voice of Superman) as the Jewish title character, Abie Levy.

People just assume interfaith marriages will result in conflict, drama and sometimes even hijinks and hilarity. If nothing else, goes the age-old question, how will they raise the children?

It's really not a big deal in most families.

Francine Shetterly of Polk County, Ore., is Jewish. Her husband Lane, a former Oregon state representative, is Lutheran.

You might think Christmas would present a problem in the Shetterly house. Hardly. The family celebrates Hannukah and Christmas equally.

"The entire month seems like one big holiday," Francine Shetterly said in a 2004 interview for her hometown newspaper, the Polk County Itemizer-Observer.

People naturally tend to marry partners with whom they have a lot in common, including shared religious and spiritual beliefs. And if you rarely stray beyond the comfort of your own social circle, you are more likely to find such a person.

When people from different religious traditions get together, their chances of staying together are bleak. Reliable statistics are hard to find, but most say at least half of interfaith marriages end in divorce.

Hold the phone. Don't 50 percent of all marriages end in divorce?

Maybe people in interfaith marriages roll the dice and take their chances along with everyone else. In fact, there are statistics to suggest your chances of staying in a marriage are even grimmer if you marry within your faith -- especially if you happen to be a fundamentalist Christian.

Forget all that talk about family values. The family that prays together doesn't necessarily stay together. A study by the religious Barna Research Group concluded divorces among Christians describing themselves "born again" were 27 percent higher than they were in other Christian churches.

Agnostics and atheists had the lowest overall divorce rate at 21 percent.

Tips for working through conflicts of an interfaith marriage can be found religioustolerance.org. Some suggestions from the website include:

  • Be realistic. Almost no one in the throes of falling in love thinks the relationship will end, but half of them do. Be realistic and get a lot of premarital counseling.
  • Tackle interfaith problems directly. Love doesn't conquer all. Neither does direct, blunt and honest communication. Between the two, however, the latter stands the best shot. Remember that the person you need to be honest with the most is yourself. Truly assess how important the differences are to you -- or will be once the passions of falling in love have subsided.
  • Consider the in-laws. Parents often have valuable life experiences that can inform your decisions. Of course, they can also be gigantic pains in the you-know-what. Just remember it's up to you to make the final determination.
  • Plan in advance. Don't wait until the baby is born to decide whether he or she should be raised Muslim or Wiccan.
  • Take an interfaith tour. "Interfaith tours are becoming increasingly popular, particularly in Israel," travel writer Judi Dash notes. "Jewish, Christian and sometimes Muslim participants get a taste of each others' religious traditions by exploring holy and historically significant sites."
Related: Raising children without religion

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]]>evergreenholidaysinterfaith-holidaysinterfaith-marriagesreligionTom HendersonTue, 28 Dec 2010 08:00:00 ESTWhen Relatives Give Your Child a Gift You Don't Allow, Things Can Get Awkward!http://www.parentdish.com/2010/12/21/when-relatives-give-your-child-a-gift-you-dont-allow-things-ca/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/12/21/when-relatives-give-your-child-a-gift-you-dont-allow-things-ca/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/12/21/when-relatives-give-your-child-a-gift-you-dont-allow-things-ca/#commentsFiled under: ,


When my son was about 8 years old, one of his relatives gave him an Eminem CD. Having seen how intrigued my boy had been by the rapper's music when he had heard it at his house, Uncle X thought he'd found the perfect gift for his nephew. It was a very uncle-y thing to do, and my son was thrilled. I was not.

Don't get me wrong. I love music -- every kind, flavor and genre. Truth be told, I even liked Eminem. Apart from his highly offensive lyrics, I thought he was a very talented young man.

I also felt that the words to his songs and the dark undertone of his music were completely inappropriate for an 8-year-old. As you may have guessed, this led to some problems. I took the CD away, my son was furious, and I had to decide whether or not to mention it to his uncle, and, if so, how to broach the subject without offending him.

'Tis the season. The season to shop, decorate and open presents, some of which you do not want your children to have. Chances are, the gift you don't want your youngster to open is the very one he'll be so excited to receive that you'll have to pry it out of his grubby little hands while he clutches it for dear life, possibly while kicking and screaming.

To make matters worse, because of that ear-to-ear grin on your child's face when he opens the unacceptable gift, the relative who gave it may feel obligated to wage war on your child's behalf.

And so the drama begins, with you being accused of being "the meanest mom in the world" or an uptight parent who doesn't want your darling to have a little bit of fun. Meanwhile, the goodwill of gift-giving flies out the window.

Brace yourselves, parents. Be strong. Your relatives may be well-meaning, but if you're confident that they've given your child something entirely inappropriate, you have to take a stand. You can allow your child to enjoy the gift until Aunt So-and-So leaves, and then gently tell him he'll have to exchange it for something else. Or you can let Auntie know right away that you so appreciate the gift -- your child has been longing for that very item -- but that unfortunately it's beyond his age range or inconsistent with your values.

Either way, the clearer you are, the less you'll get looped into a power struggle or battle. Acknowledge your child's upset -- and Auntie or Uncle's disbelief -- without launching a major offensive. Be gracious and grateful, and most of all, don't blame your relative for deliberately giving something they "knew" your child couldn't have (even if you suspect they were aware of your views about the gifted item.) Offer your thanks, and let your child know that he can exchange it for something else.

Finally, if the gift is something you'd rather your child not have, but isn't that big a deal, let him keep it. You may not want your son to have that Super-Duper Commando Squirt gun, or a Cutesy Girl makeup kit, but if it isn't awful, let your child keep the gift -- with whatever restrictions you feel to be necessary. (He loses the squirter if it gets taken inside, or the makeup cannot be worn outside the house.)

Have fun, make merry and enjoy the holidays!

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]]>christmas giftsChristmasGiftseminemgift givingGiftGivingSusan Stiffelman, MFTTue, 21 Dec 2010 12:00:00 ESTSwitzerland Debates Legalizing Incesthttp://www.parentdish.com/2010/12/17/switzerland-debates-legalizing-incest/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/12/17/switzerland-debates-legalizing-incest/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/12/17/switzerland-debates-legalizing-incest/#commentsFiled under: , ,

Will incest become legal in Switzerland? Credit: Fabrice Coffrini, AFP/Getty Images


Swiss parliament may be giving a new meaning to the term "brotherly love." They have drafted a law that would repeal incest laws so that family members could have sex, if they so pleased.

Some claim incest laws are obsolete because there have only been three cases in the past three decades, The Telegraph reports.

Daniel Visher, a Green Party MP, is in favor of the law. "Incest is a difficult moral question, but not one that is answered by penal law," he told The Telegraph. Pun intended? We're not sure.

The Protestant People's Party and The Christian People's Party of Switzerland are on the opposite side, claiming incest should remain punishable. Who ever said Switzerland was neutral?

A spokesperson for The Protestant People's Party points out the obvious, "Murder is also quite rare in Switzerland but no one suggests that we remove that as an office from the statutes."

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]]>incestswitzerlandJessica SamakowFri, 17 Dec 2010 18:06:00 ESTOpinion: A Clean House Does Not a Merry Christmas Makehttp://www.parentdish.com/2010/12/17/clean-house/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/12/17/clean-house/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/12/17/clean-house/#commentsFiled under: ,

Clean House

Clean the house? Or have another holiday cocktail? Illustration by Dori Hartley

On Dec. 26, parents everywhere have a beatific glow -- because Christmas is 364 days away.

Christmas stinks when you're a grownup. All you want is for your family to have a wonderful holiday, even if it kills you -- and it just might.

Shopping, cooking, traveling, trying to get ahead at the office so you aren't slammed when you get back on Jan. 3 ... it's enough to turn even the most tender-hearted parent into a great big holiday Grinch.

The very last thing you want to worry about is whether or not there's dust under your sofa.

But the fine people at Molly Maid are suggesting that the path to a stress-free holiday is exactly that: They recommend using the five days leading up to Dec. 25 to clean house -- literally.

They even have it all laid out for us. On Day One, tackle the porch, foyer and central closet. On Day Two, wipe down all the doorframes. On Day Three, replace your shower liner.

Replace the shower liner? Really?

Really?

It's certain that the folks from Molly Maid are experts. After all, they are part of a national cleaning franchise, so when it comes to scrubbing the baseboards and cleaning the bathroom sink, they know what they're talking about.

But suggesting that the path to a Zen holiday is to dust your ceiling fan and organize the clutter?

We think not.

You know what would be less stressful than getting ready for the holidays? Five days in Bermuda, that's what. Cocktails on sparkling beaches served by attractive young waitstaff, followed up by a full night's sleep in a king-sized hotel bed, with no one to wake you up and ask you when Santa is coming. Is he here yet? Is he?

WELL, IS HE?

Or how about five days in a mountain cabin with no TV reception, no Internet access, and no deadlines. And no in-laws.

Wait, wait -- we've got it! Schedule a visit to the gynecologist every day starting on Dec. 20, and close out the week with a mammogram. Even staring down a speculum for five straight days would be less taxing than getting ready for Christmas.

Or go shopping for a swimsuit and jeans for five days straight. How about doing that juice cleanse you've been thinking about? You could just lock yourself in a closet with a bottle of gin and come out on Jan. 2.

You get the idea.

Look, the holidays can be hell. They can be crazy, stressful, brimming with unspoken family tensions and a real killer on the credit card. Suggesting that parents -- or, really, moms, because let's be frank, suggestions for cleaning up the joint are probably aimed at the woman of the house -- spend even more time freaking out about having a perfect holiday is just a plain old bad idea.

The best we can hope for is that we make it through to Dec. 25 with our holiday spirit somewhat intact, and that even if that day is less than perfect, we get to see that special light in our kids' eyes that happens but once a year. Because for them, no matter how stressed out we might be, Christmas is still magic.

So go ahead and worry about what Uncle Frank is going to say at Christmas dinner. Go ahead and worry about how you're going to bake all those cookies. Go ahead and worry about whether or not your flight home for the holidays will be delayed by snow and ice. But do not worry about the dried peas under your kitchen table.

Isn't that what New Year's resolutions are for, anyways?

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]]>christmasholiday stressHolidayStressAmy HatchFri, 17 Dec 2010 10:00:00 ESTFamily Portrait: Four Generations of Womenhttp://www.parentdish.com/2010/12/09/family-portrait-four-generations-of-women/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/12/09/family-portrait-four-generations-of-women/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/12/09/family-portrait-four-generations-of-women/#commentsFiled under: ,

ParentDish copy editor Ashwini Bhat (second from left) with her daughter Neena (far left), her grandmother, Lakshmi, and her mother, Sharada. Courtesy of Ashwini Bhat



Ashwini Bhat, ParentDish's copy editor, might be based in Bangalore, India, but when she sent us this lovely photo of herself with her daughter, mother and grandmother, we were touched by how we can all relate to a shared family moment like this. Ash tells us that they were all sitting together looking at an old book of animals that she and her siblings used to love as kids when it suddenly struck her that there might not be many occasions like that in the future. So, she quickly thought to ask her brother to snap a picture. We're glad you did, Ash.

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]]>the editors at ParentDishThu, 09 Dec 2010 17:14:00 ESTStupid Questions People Ask Adoptive Parents, and Our Smartass Answershttp://www.parentdish.com/2010/11/30/stupid-questions-people-ask-adoptive-parents-and-our-smartass-a/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/11/30/stupid-questions-people-ask-adoptive-parents-and-our-smartass-a/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/11/30/stupid-questions-people-ask-adoptive-parents-and-our-smartass-a/#commentsFiled under: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Adoptive parents

Actually, there is such a thing as a stupid question. Illustration by Dori Hartley


As we say goodbye to National Adoption Month, let's close on a positive note. If you're an adoptive parent, this list will give you great answers to the most ridiculous questions you will ever get. If you're not an adoptive parent, think of this list as a reminder of when to adopt a think-before-you-ask moment.

1. Are those your real children?
*No, they're robots from the planet Mergatroid who landed here overnight. Careful, they may zap you with their bacteria-building laser gun.
*Is that your real brain or a loaner from the moron store?

2. Where is their real mother?
*With your husband.
*Out on parole next month. I'll give her your address.

3. Are they orphans?
*Why yes, didn't you catch their cameos in "Annie?"

4. Are your children related?
*Yes, to your father.
*Yes, they're siblings. You know, like your parents.

5. What do they eat?
*Idiots who ask stupid questions.
*Oh, goodness. Am I supposed to feed them?

6. Why didn't their mother have an abortion?
*Why didn't your mother have an abortion?

7. Can we touch their hair to see what it feels like?
*Sure, for $100.

8. Were they abused?
*Do you consider stupid comments and questions abuse?
*Yes, someone hit them upside the head with a 2-by-4. Here, let me show you how it feels.

9. Did they eat monkey (kid from Africa), rice (kid from China), borscht (kid from Russia), rice and beans (Central/South America)?
*Yes, because they're walking stereotypes of [insert nationality], just like you're a walking stereotype of an American idiot.

10. Where/how did you get them?
*I think it was somewhere in a TSA patdown line.
*On sale at Macy's. Black Friday. Buy one get one free.
*Have you ever heard of the store Buy Buy Baby?
*Ebay.
*On the corner over there. I think there's some left if you want some.
*Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt had a few left over, so ...
*From the International Association of None of Your Damn Business.

11. Were they in an orphanage? If so, where and for how long?
*No, they were actually placed in a traveling, government-run circus.
*Yes, it was the hard-knock life for them, 'stead of kisses, they got kicked.
*Only until Fagin taught them how to pick pockets.

12. Do they come from Haiti? It's good they escaped the earthquake.
*Yes. All the other third-world disaster victims had been snatched up already.

13. Why did you adopt them?
*Because I wanted to gray faster, like you!
*Angelina was busy and Madonna couldn't take the bad publicity.
*Somebody's gotta do the household chores and it's not gonna be me.
*I'm starting a home mail-order business. Free labor!
*It was between them and a Chia pet, and all my plants end up dying.

14. Couldn't you have your own children?
*Sure, but it kinda seemed so ... 2009.
*Sure, but whenever I run into you, for some reason I'm unable to perform in the bedroom.
*What, and wreck this perfect body with saggers and stretch marks like you did? Hello?
*Yes, but God and I agreed that this isn't the right time for another Messiah.

15. Do you know anything about their real parents? Are they alive?
*Nope. I killed them. [Laugh madly.]
*I probably shouldn't say this, but, she's a well-known public figure and he's well, let's just say very important. [Say this in hushed tones.]

16. How much money did they cost?
*Less than the cost of your cosmetic surgery.
*I got the discount ones, so it wasn't too bad actually.
*They were in a basket with a note that said, "Free! Take 'em!"
*I got them for selling subscriptions to Mother Jones.

17. Don't you feel sorry for birth mothers?
*Yes, yours in particular.

18. Do they know who their real parents are?
*Yes, the ringmaster and the bearded lady.
*Honestly, does anyone?
*No, do you?

19. Do you have an open adoption?
*The offer is always open for them to return to the Big Tent.
*Absolutely. We swap children every two years with a sweet family in Ohio.
*Sure, we're going to have a seance tonight.
*Do you have an open marriage? Your husband said it was an open marriage. Gosh, I hope he was telling the truth. I would hate for you to be hurt by someone's boorish insensitivity

20. When will you take them to see their real parents?
*When the circus comes to town again next summer. They've promised us free tickets.
*Not until we're sure we wanna keep them.
*When they realize that we are just impostors, their fake parents.
*Thought you'd never ask. How's next Tuesday?
*Gee, what do you suggest? Did you ever meet your real parents, or were they moved to another zoo?

21. Did you get to "pick" them?
*There wasn't much choice after you eliminated the World's Shortest Man from consideration.
*Yes, we found a pick-your-own baby farm.
*Yep, like lint off your sweater. Here, let me get that for you.
*No, they fell right off the tree.

22. What do they call you? Mom?
*They've already adopted the American practice of, "Hey, you."
*'Mom' seems to have that motherly ring to it, which is kind of cool being that I'm their mom.
*They call me mom for the same reason people call you dumb ass. It just fits.

23. Did they have diseases when they came to America? Do they have diseases now?
*Only one. It's a strange jungle disease only communicable through a high-five. Hey, you didn't happen to ... ? Oh, never mind.
*They have foot-in-mouth disease, which I believe they caught from you.

24. Do any of them have HIV?
*Do you?
*No, you can't have sex with them.

25. Do you feel like you "missed out" on having your own children?
*Yes, morning sickness, extra baby weight and painful labor are all on my Christmas list this year.
*No, these little wonders fill that empty void that was my terrible, unsatisfied life of doom and gloom.
*There are worse fates. Just ask your parents.

26. Why did you wait so long to have children?
*We were too busy drinking, drugging and dancing naked on bar tables.
*Most people don't realize schizophrenia becomes more manageable in middle-age.
*You soured me on the whole concept of humanity until I realized not everyone is an imbecile.

27. Do they speak English?
*Only when they swear.
*Yes. You should try it sometime.

28. When they arrived, did they know how to use the toilet?
*Yes, of course, because it's easier than reaching the faucet. [Pause here so they can think about what you just said.]
*Don't worry. They won't try to flush you. I explained to them the different kinds of turds.

29. Why don't they have birth control in that country?
*They want rich Americans to take their children away. It's a master plan to bring down the United States.

30: Do they still speak (Swahili, Chinese, Spanish, Russian)?
*Only at school. It gets them special ESL accommodations. We're trying to game the system.
*That and five other languages, all fluently.
*Yes, and they're teaching me several new ways to tell you to $#@! off!

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]]>adoptionadoptive familiesAdoptiveFamiliesthe editors at ParentDishTue, 30 Nov 2010 08:00:00 ESTHow to Split Time Between the Grandparents During the Holidayshttp://www.parentdish.com/2010/11/28/how-to-split-time-between-the-grandparents-during-the-holidays/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/11/28/how-to-split-time-between-the-grandparents-during-the-holidays/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/11/28/how-to-split-time-between-the-grandparents-during-the-holidays/#commentsFiled under: ,

grandparent time

Deciding where to spend the holidays can cause stress to a family. Credit: alancleaver_2000, Flickr

It's supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year, but tensions over how to split your time up between all the grandparents during the holidays can add an extra dose of crazy to an already hectic season.

We all want to spend time with our extended families at the holidays, but an increasingly mobile society means most people will have to travel a significant distance to make that happen. So, just how and when do adult children decide to set boundaries when it comes to holiday gatherings?

Things can get especially dicey when one person has strong feelings about where to spend that special day, says Susan Pease Banitt, a therapist based in Portland, Ore.

"Healthy couples draw the sacred circle around the two of them and do what is best for the couple," Banitt says. "Unhealthy couples have someone still triangulated into their family who fails to put their spouse first."

The solution? Set your boundaries from the get-go and recognize that most people understand that as children grow up and start their own families, they may not come home every year, Banitt says.

You can, however, take the sting out of that decision and offer to visit the grandparents at another time close to the holidays, or invite them to your home for a celebration of the holiday that doesn't fall on the actual calendar date.

If that sounds easier said than done, you're right. But there are plenty of folks who've made the move and lived to tell the tale. Stress management expert Debbie Mandel points out that it's impossible to be "mathematically equal."

"You need to factor in accommodations, cost of travel and need -- is one set of grandparents lonelier or more frail than the other," says Mandel, author of "Addicted to Stress." "It is best to discuss this at a family gathering by calling a family meeting to write down a schedule, which might include alternate years, or alternate holidays or half a holiday here and half a holiday there -- or have both sets of grandparents come to you."

When all else fails, divide and conquer. Just ask split-holiday survivor Sam Feinstein of Silver Spring, Md., who puts it this way: "I always have, and as far as I can tell always will, split the holidays," he says. "Instead of trying to hit both grandparents in one break, I always hit one side of the family for Thanksgiving, and then the other for Christmas. As far as I can tell, this is why they invented Thanksgiving."

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]]>chrsitmasevergreengrandparentsholiday-travelholidaysthanksAmy HatchSun, 28 Nov 2010 09:00:00 ESTHow to Handle Family Gift Giving When Everyone Has Different Budgetshttp://www.parentdish.com/2010/11/22/how-to-handle-family-gift-giving-when-everyone-has-different-bud/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/11/22/how-to-handle-family-gift-giving-when-everyone-has-different-bud/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/11/22/how-to-handle-family-gift-giving-when-everyone-has-different-bud/#commentsFiled under: ,

Once upon a time, the tradition of gift giving was about sharing tokens of affection that were meant to touch the heart of a loved one and express gratitude for their presence. There was -- at least in the way I imagine it -- a sweetness and simplicity that moved people to either create or scout out something special that would bring a smile to the recipient's face, affirming that they were cherished and appreciated.

Today, all bets are off.

Most of us feel enormous pressure to get the right gift -- and spend far more than our rational minds (or bank balance) would advise -- in the hopes of pleasing those we love.

To make matters worse, we sometimes find ourselves having significantly more or less, financially speaking, than our relatives. Uncle Mark lost his job, and his wife is taking care of their newborn and toddler, while Aunt Molly's family just received a windfall from her husband's side of the family. How do you navigate the gift-giving ritual when not everyone is in the same shape financially?

o. Set guidelines. Discuss whether everyone wants to spend within their particular means or would be happier having a mutually-agreed-upon dollar limit for gifts, so no one feels blindsided by the difference between a box of homemade soaps and a new iPad. Big gifts that are generously offered by a wealthy family member are fine if you're sure they won't create discomfort among less well-off recipients, so have a family powwow before the holidays to establish ground rules.

o. Play the "Pick One Name" game. Have everyone in the family -- from young to old -- randomly choose a name out of a hat (or with an online name generator) to select just one person to get a gift for, and set a price limit. This allows those without financial resources to creatively focus on what their particular person would enjoy, whether store bought or homemade. It can forge special connections between family members as different duos learn more about one another in the process of choosing that one special present.

o. Let the chips fall where they may. In some families, it's understood that some relatives will spend a lot, and some will spend a little, and everyone graciously rolls with it without drama. If it works for you and your relatives, allow those who are able to lavish gifts on their less wealthy loved ones without letting is suggest that anyone is better or worse. Those with deeper pockets should just make sure to act with sensitivity, so they don't demand center stage as they present their big gifts.

Exchanging gifts with family members in widely different economic situations can be awkward, but establishing expectations in advance can reduce the tension felt by those who can't afford to buy impressive presents. And if it happens that you aren't able to come to an agreement, then those who are struggling to make ends meet should hold their heads up high as they offer their famous homemade chocolate cake to Uncle Moneybags, while he hands your children their new iPods. As long as everyone gives and receives graciously and remembers that what's really under the wrapping paper is love, holiday gift giving among family can be sweet, regardless of the price tag.

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]]>Susan Stiffelman, MFTMon, 22 Nov 2010 12:02:00 ESTThe Mother-in-Law/Daughter-in-Law Translatorhttp://www.parentdish.com/2010/10/22/the-mother-in-law-daughter-in-law-translator/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/10/22/the-mother-in-law-daughter-in-law-translator/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/10/22/the-mother-in-law-daughter-in-law-translator/#commentsFiled under: , , ,

mother in law picture

Do you fantasize about taking your mother-in-law or daughter-in-law down in a sumo match? Credit: Yoshikazu Tsuno, AFP/Getty Images


Bet you didn't know this, but Sunday, October 24, is Mother-in-Law Day. Since 2002, families -- well, some families -- have celebrated this holiday on the fourth Sunday of October. (We're sure that its proximity on the calendar to Halloween is completely coincidental.) A lot of jokes have been written about mothers-in-law, but many couples rely on their "other mothers" for child care, holiday meals, and even financial support, so after 364 days of being taken for granted, maybe they deserve one day of celebration.

In the spirit of the holiday, we want to help bring mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law together, because we understand that, just once in a while, you may have a little trouble understanding each other. So we've created this "MIL-DIL Translator" to help you decipher the hidden messages you may be sending each other. Share it with all the MILs and DILs in your life:

Daughters-in-law ...

When your MIL says: That's a lovely picture of your parents on the refrigerator! ...
What she means is: So I should assume you're keeping my picture in a shoebox somewhere?

When your MIL says: What a nice surprise! You didn't need to go to the trouble of cooking me dinner ...
What she means is: Oh, so you DO know how to operate a stove! I owe my husband $20.

When your MIL says: Don't worry about seeing me over the holidays. Whatever works for you is fine ...
What she means is: I'll just sit at home, alone, bitter, and be sure that nothing I've ever done for you has been appreciated.

When your MIL says: How thoughtful! Thank you for this lovely present! ...
What she means is: I'll be regifting it to your mother next year.

When your MIL says: You have a cleaning lady coming in now? Well, good for you! ...
What she means is: It's hard to tell because she does as halfhearted a job as you did.

When your MIL says: You've enrolled my granddaughter in a fencing class? That's incredible! ...
What she means is: Whatever happened to the Girl Scouts?

When your MIL says: Good for you for taking her pacifier away. She'll be upset for a while, but it's time ...
What she means is: Tell me again why you couldn't do it tomorrow, when I'm out of earshot?

When your MIL says: He's just a ball of energy, isn't he? ...
What she means is: When are you having him checked?

And, mothers-in-law ...

When your DIL says: You should stay for dinner; it's no trouble at all ...
What she means is: I'm giving you one hour from when the plate hits the table. Then I turn down the heat.

When your DIL says: Don't worry; the children will love whatever you buy them ...
What she means is: If you get them exactly what I suggest.

When your DIL says: Oh, the kids are easy; they'll eat anything you give them ...
What she means is: As long as it's a hot dog, a French fry, or a chicken nugget.

When your DIL says: It's so wonderful how close you still are to your son ...
What she means is: But he's mine now so don't you dare badmouth me to him!

When your DIL says: We'd never dream of leaving the kids with someone from outside the family ...
What she means is: Make sure you're on call for us seven nights a week.

When your DIL says: You gave them all candy bars right before bedtime? We'll, that's why they love grandma! ...
What she means is: You're never babysitting again.

When your DIL says: We've decided not to allow the kids any TV time; it's no substitute for creative play or family time ...
What she means is: You were a terrible mother.

When your DIL says: We let him wear his Batman cape everywhere. I think it's adorable ...
What she means is: I'm a terrible mother.


Editor's Note: This article was originally published on Grandparents.com.

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]]>daughter in lawDaughterInLawmother in lawMotherInLawGary DrevitchFri, 22 Oct 2010 11:00:00 EST8-Year-Old Painting Prodigy Racks Up $250K in Art Saleshttp://www.parentdish.com/2010/10/14/8-year-old-painting-prodigy-racks-up-250k-in-art-sales/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/10/14/8-year-old-painting-prodigy-racks-up-250k-in-art-sales/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/10/14/8-year-old-painting-prodigy-racks-up-250k-in-art-sales/#commentsFiled under: , , , , , , , ,

PRODUCTION PLAYER! DO NOT DELETE.


Proving that it's never too early to carve out a career niche, an 8-year-old painting prodigy is making big bucks selling her canvasses to grownups.

Autumn de Forest took a break from third grade this morning to fly across the country and appear on "Today" with her mom and dad and her colorful -- and increasingly pricey -- collection of paintings in tow.

Her work, which draws comparisons to artistic masters including Picasso, Warhol, Dali and Matisse, has been sold by the dozens at auction for a total of about $250,000. The highest price paid for one of her paintings is $25,000. It's called "People Are Strange," inspired by The Doors song of the same name, according to "Today."

The Las Vegas grade school student was 4 years old when she brought home an art project from preschool: a watercolor she called "Elephant," she tells Matt Lauer. Mom and Dad say her depiction of the animal was abstract with pronounced brushstrokes that they found very deliberate and "startlingly artistic."

"At first we did think it was a fluke," says Autumn's mother, Katherine, who appeared on "Today" with her daughter. "We were scratching our head and thought it was an anomaly and interesting."

But, when Autumn was 5, her masterpiece moment came when she traded in her kitchen table canvas for big-sized plywood in the garage.

"I turned away," says her dad, Doug, on "Today." "And what seemed like a few moments later, I turned back, and I swear to you it was as if [abstract expressionist painter] Mark Rothko had done some kind of mid-century masterpiece. Certainly, it was simple and abstract, but profound in its simplicity. It was just kind of a wonderful moment."

So, the proud parents bought her canvasses and supplies "to see what would happen," Doug says.

Autumn, who turns 9 this month, has never taken formal instruction, although her parents believe she would benefit from it and would like her to start, they say on the show. So far, her work is the result of pure intuition, imagination and inspiration. She painted "The Messenger," depicting a fetus attached to its umbilical cord, after going to an exhibition with her mother at age 5, and becoming fascinated with a display of a pregnant woman.

Though her parents are in creative fields, neither is a visual artist. Doug is a musician, Katherine an actress. There are, however, several accomplished and collected painters in Doug's family: Lockwood de Forest (1850-1932), George de Forest (1855-1941) and Roy de Forest (1930-2007), who was part of California's "funk art" movement, the family says on "Today."

Despite her success, Autumn is modest about her talent and isn't squandering her earnings, which the family is saving for college.

"I love my paintings, but I'm not the bragger of my paintings," she tells Lauer. "If someone is going to pay a huge amount of money to buy my painting and if they know I'm going to spend it to buy a bunch of Barbie dolls, they know you're going to waste your money on something not important. But people know the money is going into my education, maybe even art school."

These days, she says painting is a daily ritual.

"I do it every day," Autumn says. "I try to do as much as I can ... I do my best."

But it looks like Autumn has some male competition on the painting prodigy front from across the pond. Kieron Williamson, 8, has been called a mini-Monet by the British press. The Norfolk, England, youth's deft brush strokes, like those of a seasoned artist, have been hailed for their likeness to the French impressionist.

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]]>child artchild artistChildArtChildArtistyoung artistyoung painterYoungArtistYoungPainterMary Beth SammonsThu, 14 Oct 2010 14:00:00 ESTPot for Grandma? Middle-Aged Adults Buying Weed for Ailing Parentshttp://www.parentdish.com/2010/10/11/pot/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/10/11/pot/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/10/11/pot/#commentsFiled under: , , , , , ,

marjuana weed pot picture

Don't forget the casserole for Sunday dinner. Or the weed. Credit: Eric Risberg/AP

Ever think the day would come when you'd be on the way to Grandma's house with a goodie bag of marijuana?

According to a report in The New York Times, middle-aged adult caregivers are coming to the rescue with cannabis to help ease a variety of ailments for their ailing elderly parents.

Age and the growing acceptance of medical marijuana are propelling adult children, who in many cases once smoked weed themselves, to supply it for their parents, according to The Times.

A 46-year-old Illinois man named Bryan (who did not give his last name since marijuana is illegal in the Midwestern state) tells The Times he started baking marijuana brownies and ginger snaps laced with the stuff to help his father with a heart ailment and his mother's dizzy spells and nausea. He says both were asking his help for their growing fear of Alzheimer's disease and cancer.

When Bryan was a teen, he tells The Times, his parents were strictly opposed to pot.

"We would have grounded him," his mother, 72, tells The Times. "We have concerns about the law, but I would not go back to not taking the cookie and going through what I went through. Of course, if they catch me, I'll have to quit taking it."

The family is not alone. Though Illinois does not allow medical use of marijuana, 14 states, including Alaska, California and Colorado, along with the District of Columbia do, according to MedicalMarijuana.procon.org and the Medical Marijuana Policy report.

As Baby Boomers and the 40- to 50-something generation who got high as teens move into and through middle age, experts expect marijuana use to be on the rise, The Times reports. Currently, less than 1 percent of people 65 and older say they smoked marijuana in the last year, according to a 2009 survey by the federal Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA).

The rate for people ages 50 to 65 who say they smoke marijuana was nearly 4 percent -- about six times higher than the 65-and-older crowd -- suggesting they were more likely to continue whatever patterns of drug use they had established in their younger years, according to the SAMHSA report. In both age groups, marijuana abuse was very low, about 1 in 800.

"I think use of medical marijuana in older people is going to be much greater in the future," Dan G. Blazer, a professor of geriatric psychology at Duke University who has studied drug use among older people, tells The Times.

Cannabinoids, the active agents in marijuana, have shown promise as pain relievers, especially for pain arising from nerve damage, Dr. Seddon R. Savage, a pain specialist and president of the American Pain Society, a medical professionals' group, tells The Times.

Two cannabinoid prescription drugs are approved for use in this country, but only to treat nausea or appetite loss, according to the newspaper.


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]]>marijuanamedical marijuanaMedicalMarijuanapotMary Beth SammonsMon, 11 Oct 2010 12:00:00 ESTWho Counts As Family? Some Americans Rank Same-Sex Partners Lower Than the Doghttp://www.parentdish.com/2010/10/01/who-counts-as-family-some-americans-rank-same-sex-partners-lowe/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/10/01/who-counts-as-family-some-americans-rank-same-sex-partners-lowe/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/10/01/who-counts-as-family-some-americans-rank-same-sex-partners-lowe/#commentsFiled under: , , , , , , , ,

same sex couple picture

Erick Sosa, left, and Mark Kibby enjoy a day of fun with their sons, Cole and Parker Sosa-Kibby. Credit: Dave Ouano Photography

Despite a growing acceptance of gay and lesbian couples, 30 percent of Americans still think pets rank higher than a gay partner as a family member.

Unmarried same-sex couples with children, as well as married gay and lesbian couples with kids, are quickly gaining acceptance as families by Americans, according to a recent study. But, when children are not involved, same-sex married partners rank lower than the family dog in the 'who is family, who is not' category.

"There's been an increasing receptiveness to include same-sex couples in people's definitions of family," study co-author Brian Powell tells ParentDish. A sociology professor at Indiana University in Bloomington, his findings are reported in his new book, "Counted Out: Same-Sex Relations and Americans' Definitions of Family," published this month by the Russell Sage Foundation.

"But, it comes down to the fact that people believe that only if there is a child, there is a family," he says. "A child connotes permanence, and we discovered that even if a family breaks up, we still consider them a family when there is a child."

Between 2003 and 2010, three surveys conducted by Powell's team showed a significant shift toward counting same-sex couples with children as family -- from 54 percent of respondents in 2003 to 68 percent in 2010. In all, more than 2,300 people were surveyed. Powell links the changing attitudes to a 10 percent rise between 2003 and 2010 in the share of survey respondents who reported having a gay friend or relative.

In their most recent 2010 telephone survey of 830 people, Americans were almost equally divided on same-sex marriage.

"I don't think people are ready to embrace it, but people are ready to accept it," Powell says.

In 2006, when asked if gay couples and pets count as family, 30 percent said pets count but not gay couples. In the 2010 survey, 83 percent of the respondents said they perceived unmarried heterosexual couples with children as a family; 40 percent extended that recognition to unmarried straight couples without children.

But Powell is quick to point out the disparity in what is defined as "family," which evolves around the legality of a marriage license, religious views and/or taking care of a child.

"I like to use the pun, 'this should give us paws,' but fact that gay couples are given less status than pets should be something we should think strongly about," he says.

Powell compares the positive shift in the view of same-sex families to the gradual acceptance of interracial marriage in the 1960s.

"People are definitely expanding their definition of what is family," he says.

Erik Sosa, a Kenosha, Wisc. stay-at-home dad who parents two young boys with his partner Mark Kibby, says he's seen a positive change in the way people perceive the couple in the last three years since they adopted the boys, both now 4.

"When we first moved in, it took the neighbors a little while to accept us as family," says Sosa, who is called "Papa" by the boys and is not married to Kibby, who is called "Daddy."

The couple moved to the suburban town when they adopted Cole and Parker Sosa-Kibby from Guatamala when the boys were 5 months old.

"What is really interesting to me is how much people see the commonalities in what I do and the other housewives on the block are doing every day," Sosa says. "Basically, we all have the same struggles as parents and all of us believe that the children come first and we come second. Families aren't about sex, they're about parenting and the definition is revolving to mean people who love each other and want to create a life together. "

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]]>gay parentingGayParentingsame sex marriageSameSexMarriageMary Beth SammonsFri, 01 Oct 2010 17:30:00 ESTHey, Grandma, Show Me the Money! Grandparents Generous With Cash, Poll Showshttp://www.parentdish.com/2010/09/29/hey-grandma-show-me-the-money-grandparents-generous-with-cash/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/09/29/hey-grandma-show-me-the-money-grandparents-generous-with-cash/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/09/29/hey-grandma-show-me-the-money-grandparents-generous-with-cash/#commentsFiled under: , , , , , ,

grandparent cash

Hey, Gramps, can I have a 10 spot? Credit: Getty Images

It's tough to dispense advice to kids today, so maybe that's why grandparents are finding it easier to say "I love you" with cash, leaving the hardcore lessons on life, love, work and getting ahead to the parents.

But, these financial contributions are a pretty big deal, according to a recent poll taken by the MetLife Mature Market Institute. According to the study of almost 1,100 American grandparents, almost two-thirds have provided financial support to their grandchildren during the last five years.

That adds up to $370.7 billion -- an average of $8,661 per set of grandparents -- during the last five years. Forty percent of those grandkid donations go to general funds, while 26 percent are targeted for education expenses.

Fueling this funding is the economic downturn, Sandra Timmermann, director of the Mature Market Institute tells ParentDish. Most grandparents (78 percent) would rather make contributions to their offspring while they are alive, rather than leaving a lump sum in a will, she says.

"Grandparents are more willing than ever to help their grandchildren, even though they may be suffering economically," Timmermann says.

On the education front, 46 percent of grandparents are setting up college funds, 26 percent are paying for pre-college educational expenses (high school, grade school, etc.) and 24 percent are helping with college tuition and loans. Grandparents also are helping to augment the college experience by buying cars and computers.

"Like grandparents in earlier generations, today's grandparents want to be involved in their grandchildren's lives," Timmermann says. "What may be different today is that grandparents are helping their children and grandchildren to meet immediate financial needs."

The giving is much appreciated, Debra Marrone, a Long Island mom of a college student and recent college graduate, tells ParentDish. Her folks put up the seed money for her children's college tutions.

"It is enormously helpful and is making a big difference," she says. "These days, the college laptop expenses alone are a financial hit."

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]]>college tuitionCollegeTuitionfinancial aidFinancialAidgrandparentsgrandparents moneyGrandparentsMoneyMary Beth SammonsWed, 29 Sep 2010 12:00:00 ESTShould I Keep Loaning Money to My Adult Daughter?http://www.parentdish.com/2010/09/20/should-i-keep-loaning-money-to-my-adult-daughter/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/09/20/should-i-keep-loaning-money-to-my-adult-daughter/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/09/20/should-i-keep-loaning-money-to-my-adult-daughter/#commentsFiled under: , , , , ,


Dear AdviceMama,

I've loaned $5,000 to my grown daughter (she's in her 40s). She has also borrowed money from her sister and stepmother in the last year and a half. She has two homes, one that she and her family live in and a vacation home in the mountains. They had their motor home repossessed and are having a hard time making car and mortgage payments. I am about to retire and I really don't want to give them what I have saved towards retirement. Also, I think it wouldn't solve the problem -- it would just be a temporary fix. Of course, she's not too happy with me right now (she has hinted at needing another loan) and I feel bad. Thanks for your input.

Signed,
Reluctant ATM

Dear Reluctant ATM,

I'm sure you've heard this many times, but it's true: Don't lend money to relatives unless you're in a position to part with it forever. While I'm sure there are exceptions, I can't count the number of conflicts I've seen between family members over borrowing -- and repaying -- money. The loaner says, "You told me you'd repay me in February and it's August!" while their adult son replies, "Well you obviously you don't care about your whether your granddaughter gets to go to preschool!" And on it goes ...

Continue reading Should I Keep Loaning Money to My Adult Daughter?

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]]>Susan Stiffelman, MFTMon, 20 Sep 2010 11:00:00 EST