ParentDishhttp://www.parentdish.comParentDishhttp://www.parentdish.com/media/feedlogo.gifParentDishhttp://www.parentdish.comen-usCopyright 2012 Weblogs, Inc. The contents of this feed are available for non-commercial use only.Blogsmith http://www.blogsmith.com/My Kids Fight All the Time! How Do I Stop Sibling Rivalry?http://www.parentdish.com/2011/06/13/stop-sibling-rivalry/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/06/13/stop-sibling-rivalry/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/06/13/stop-sibling-rivalry/#commentsFiled under: , , ,


Dear AdviceMama,

What can I do about my children's sibling rivalry? They fight all the time!

Signed,
Exasperated Mom


Dear Exasperated,

It's natural for children to feel frustrated when big sister takes the last cookie, or little brother touches their "stuff." Not only do brothers and sisters compete with one another for a parent's attention, they sometimes simply argue out of habit. But when siblings cannot negotiate disagreements without hurting one another -- either physically or emotionally -- parents need to take action. Here's my advice:

1. Establish expectations for behavior so your children clearly know what you will and will not allow. I like the phrase, "Our home is a non-violent home," delivered with authority. While you should explain to your children that it's perfectly normal and OK to be angry, it is not OK to strike out with hurtful behavior or words. And make sure you're sticking to the standards, as well.

2. Try to address the root cause of hurtful remarks. A child who consistently taunts his brother or sister is a) feeling chronically frustrated and misunderstood; b) shaking loose difficult feelings from other situations (like the school playground); or c) "paying back" a sibling for hurting him.

Choose a time when you can give each of your children your undivided attention, and ask leading questions such as, "I notice it's been hard for you to resist hitting your brother when he comes into your room without asking. Tell me what makes you so mad when he does that..." Avoid interrupting with threats or lectures. By listening with care, you may be able to address the underlying causes of your siblings' frustrations with one another.

3. Schedule regular family meetings where each member gets to feel heard as they offload annoying issues that fuel discord. Insist that everyone first share something positive about each family member, and then make time for them to voice a complaint or make a request. Allow whoever's talking to have the stage -- some families use a talking stick -- so they get the sense that no matter how old or young, everyone in your family gets to be heard. By teaching your children that they have the right to respectfully make reasonable requests of one another, you will lessen their reliance on verbal or physical aggression to get their needs met.

4. Try not to turn on what I call "Mom TV" when your kids fight. Sometimes bickering happens simply because children are bored, or they want to stir things up and get some drama going with mom. While my approach generally focuses on preventing problems, if your kids are bickering and won't try to work things out, separate them without a lot of discussion until they've cooled down. In other words, don't make your own dramatic reaction a payoff for their misbehavior.

Sibling rivalry is a serious issue, and needs to be managed by cool, calm parenting. By addressing underlying causes, establishing clear guidelines for how to handle disagreements and making sure your children have a chance to feel heard about their upsets, you can minimize the bickering, and establish a more peaceful home.

Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama

AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.

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]]>Sibling RivalrySusan Stiffelman, MFTMon, 13 Jun 2011 10:00:00 ESTNurturing Sibling Relationshipshttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/10/nurturing-sibling-relationships/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/10/nurturing-sibling-relationships/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/10/nurturing-sibling-relationships/#commentsFiled under: ,

sibling relationships

When my oldest daughter was 7 and her little sister was 5, I told them they could go swimming after finishing a page of homework. After a while, my 5-year-old raised two pages of work up in the air and proudly proclaimed, "We can go swimming now! Let's go!"

Confused, I asked her what she meant because her older sister was still working on her homework. She replied, "Oh, Mommy, we can go swimming now because I did two pages of homework." Wondering if she had misunderstood the guidelines, I pointed in the direction of her sister, who was still busily working at her desk. With a proud smile on her face and wide-eyed excitement, my sweet little 5-year-old exclaimed, "No, Mommy, we can go now because I did two pages: one for me and one for my sister!"

While applauding her for her thoughtfulness, yet setting the correct boundary, I told her, "Oh, honey, that is very sweet of you to want to help your sister, but she really needs to finish her own work. Thank you for the thought, but your extra page doesn't count for your sister."

With an accepting nod of the head she replied, "OK, Mommy, but the love counts, right?"

It warms a parent's heart to see love between siblings. When a parent witnesses one sibling choosing to do something loving towards another on his own accord, it creates a deep sense of satisfaction. More than anything else, parents want to see their children get along harmoniously, support each other and be "bestest" friends.

Unfortunately, this love between siblings does not always come naturally or easily. Siblings are often squabbling, competing or having less than positive feelings about each other. Left to their own devices, they will bicker to no end. It takes vision, patience, modeling and encouragement on the parents' part, and plenty of practice on the children's part, for the sibling relationship to be a positive one.

Yes, children are young, but relationships are real. As much as adults struggle with having positive relationships, children do, as well. They need their parents' help.

While parents want to nurture a positive relationship between their children, many times they don't know exactly how to go about it. Should they have their children room together so that they will develop a closer bond? Should they insist on their children taking classes together or sharing hobbies? Or should they step back and let their children figure out the relationship and hope for the best?

Just like so many other areas in life, children need specific instruction and good modeling to know how to develop good sibling relationships. As most parents know, siblings do not become best friends automatically just because they are living in the same house. Children need parents to help nurture this very important relationship.

Try these five tips to help strengthen the connection between your children:

1. Practice what you preach, because your children are learning more from what you do than from what you say. Instead of shouting at your children to stop shouting, encourage them to use a gentle voice with each other. Use kindness and thoughtfulness in your actions, and your children will be more likely to follow suit.

2. Does every child in the family get shoes just because one of your children gets his much needed soccer shoes? Do your children always complain that you're not fair? When children complain about something not being fair, what they really mean is that it's not exactly "equal." They want the exact same portion of ice cream as their sibling every time but let's face it, life is not always equal. Explain to your children that fairness means you get what you need, but it doesn't always happen at the exact same time or in the exact same way. And, that's okay.

3. Siblings need meaningful activities in order for them to have opportunities to work together and have memorable, bonding experiences. If left unattended on a daily basis without goals or focus, frequent conflicts and aggravations are sure to flair up. Bake cookies together. Build forts. Work together as a team toward a common goal. Children benefit greatly when parents help to channel their children's energy into something positive.

4. Consider whether your children have been together too much for their own good. Allowing each child to have private time in the playroom for a day or letting a child attend birthday parties alone once in a while can be a good thing. Maybe they could benefit from a change in scenery and company.

5. For siblings who have five or more years between them, it can be more challenging to find connections and opportunities to nurture. Despite the wide gap, it is still very important for them to have a positive relationship and the energy put into this is well worth it. One danger to avoid is giving the older sibling authority over the younger sibling. Of course they should look out for their younger brother or sister but parents need to set the boundary and expectation that siblings are friends first.

As often as you can, intentionally nurture the sibling relationship with good modeling, opportunity, encouragement and teaching. It's impossible for kids to always get along, but at least you now have a few strategies to help create harmony among your kids. What other strategies have worked for you?

This article originally appeared on PBSParents and was written by Suzy Martyn. Suzy is the author of Enjoy the Ride: Tools, Tips, and Inspiration for the Most Common Parenting Challenges and Sleep Tight: Help Your Child Attain a Good Night's Sleep in Three Days As a mentor mom and keynote speaker for Babies 'R Us and MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) groups, Martyn enjoys sharing her knowledge and experience with parents and hearing what concerns them the most. Her experience has been enhanced by more than 25 years of caring for children in the classroom, through in-home childcare, and as a parenting consultant as well as from being the mother of three daughters who are "bestest" friends.

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]]>nuturing sibling relationshipssibling relationshipssiblingsPBSParents.orgTue, 10 May 2011 12:00:00 ESTSteps to Stepfamily Successhttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/04/steps-to-stepfamily-success/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/04/steps-to-stepfamily-success/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/04/steps-to-stepfamily-success/#commentsFiled under: , , , ,

stepfamily success

Typical multi-home stepfamilies are like intact biological families in many ways. But, they differ structurally, developmentally and dynamically in many ways too.

Stepfamilies who aren't aware of these differences risk using biological family norms and expectations to guide their day-to-day lives. That's like trying to play baseball with soccer equipment and basketball rules -- guaranteed to create confusion, conflict and stress.

Learning to live well in a new family takes time. Everyone has a lot to learn, including how to cope in a new environment. One of the first things you'll want to do is to recognize some of the myths of stepfamilies. For example:

Myth #1: "I love you, and I must love your kids."
Reality: "I love you and will patiently work at respecting your kids. They and I may never love each other. If we do, it will feel different than biological parent-child love, and that's okay.

Myth #2: "Your or my ex-mate is not part of our family!"
Reality: "As long as your biological children from your previous marriage live, their other biological parent, and their new mate(s), if any, will emotionally, financially, legally and genetically influence all of your lives. Ignoring or discounting the needs and feelings of these other adults will stress everyone for years.

Myth #3: "We're just like a regular biological family."
Reality: Not really. Your new extended family and the linking of stepfamily co-parenting homes add up to loads of relatives with many major losses to mourn, and many conflicting values and customs to resolve. You are, however, normal -- a normal multi-home stepfamily.

Myth #4: "Your or my kids will never come between us."
Reality: Stepfamily adults' inability to resolve clashes over one or more step-kids, including related money issues, is the most quoted reason for a stepfamily divorce. Underneath this usually lie your own unhealed wounds.

Myth #5: "Stepparenting is pretty much like biological parenting, without the childbirth."
Reality: While stepparents' primary goals are about the same as those of biological parents, the emotional, legal and social environments of average stepparents differ in numerous ways. This usually leads to confusion, frustration, and stress, until all the stepfamily adults agree clearly on what each other's key responsibilities are.

Myth #6: "Your and/or my biological kids(s) will always live with us."
Reality: In about 30 percent of U.S. stepfamilies, one or more minor biological kids move into the home of their other biological parent at some point. The resulting emotional and financial shock waves can be extremely challenging. The key is to build realistic expectations for your new stepfamily homes, roles and relationships. If you don't, ongoing frustrations and disappointments can end up harming your marriage. Learning together what's normal in average stepfamilies -- early on -- can help considerably.

Here are a few more ideas on how to keep your new family on the right track:

1. Adopt an open learner's mind to new ways of doing things.

2. Award yourself patience, permission to mess up and learn, and strokes for the smallest triumphs.

3. Expect some people to misunderstand and to criticize your new values, goals, and plans -- or you. Realize they probably are stuck in a biological family mode of thinking. That's their issue.

4. Keep your emotional knees flexed, hold hands, and enjoy the adventure and challenge together. It's worth it!

Your relatives and friends might mistakenly expect your new household and kin to feel and act like a biological family. They also may not approve of either the prior divorce(s) or the remarriage. Yet, when well-run by confidant stepfamily adult teams (not simply couples), this modern version of an ancient family form can provide the warmth, comfort, inspiration, support, security -- and often (not always) the love -- that adults and kids long for.

What's your biggest challenge as a stepparent? How are you dealing with it?

This article was originally published on PBS Parents by Gloria Lintermans. Gloria Lintermans is the author of The Secrets to Stepfamily Success: Revolutionary Tools to create a Blended Family of Support and Respect, The Healing Power of Grief: The Journey Through Loss to Love and Laughter, and The Healing Power of Love: Transcending the Loss of a Spouse to New Love.

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]]>stepchildrenstepfamiliesstepfamily successPBSParents.orgWed, 04 May 2011 10:00:00 ESTTwo Sisters Rule When it Comes to Family Harmony, Study Findshttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/04/08/brothers-sisters/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/04/08/brothers-sisters/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/04/08/brothers-sisters/#commentsFiled under: , , ,

family harmony

Two sisters make for the most harmonious family life. Credit: Getty Images

There may be something to the old schoolyard chant "Girls rule, boys drool!"

The U.K. website Bounty reports that it studied 2,116 families with different combos of kids -- both boys and girls -- and two girls makes "for the most harmonious family life as they are unlikely to fight, will play nicely and are generally a pleasure to be around."

The site continues that two girls "rarely annoy their parents with too much noise, confide in their parents and are unlikely to wind each other up or ignore each other."

The worst combo? Four daughters. Drama. City.

Bounty reports one in four parents with four girls say they are not completely happy with their situation and must referee an average of four fights a day.

Bounty's Faye Mingo says parents with bigger families find it difficult to keep the peace.

"The findings were absolutely fascinating -- we often assume little girls behave like angels, and if you have two this certainly seems to be the case," she says on the site. "But the more girls you have, the more of a handful they become -- more so in fact than boys. In fact, going from two to four girls seem to take parents from one extreme to the other -- whilst doubling the amount of boys has much less impact. We expected two, three or four boys to come out as the most difficult combination of children to have, purely because of their energetic and boisterous personalities."

Bounty ranked the best to worst combinations of kids:
1. Two girls
2. One boy and one girl
3. Two boys
4. Three girls
5. Three boys
6. Four boys
7. Two girls and one boy
8. Two boys and one girl
9. Three boys and one girl
10. Three girls and one boy
11. Two boys and two girls
12. Four girls

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]]>brothers and sisterssiblingssistersLesley KennedyFri, 08 Apr 2011 12:30:00 ESTPrepare Big Brothers and Sisters for a New Siblinghttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/04/prepare-big-brothers-and-sisters-for-a-new-sibling/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/04/prepare-big-brothers-and-sisters-for-a-new-sibling/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/04/prepare-big-brothers-and-sisters-for-a-new-sibling/#commentsFiled under: , ,

prepare for new sibling

Credit: Getty Images


Preparing a child for the arrival of a sibling requires more than buying a "Big Brother" or "Big Sister" T-shirt.

It's necessary to explain the new baby's role in the family, says Laurie Kramer, a professor of applied family studies at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign.

Describe the baby as "a new person in our family who we're going to love and who's going to love us," Kramer, who studies what makes successful sibling relationships, tells ParentDish. Let the child know the baby will have "its own set of needs and thoughts" and explain to a child that a sibling is a lifelong friend, Kramer adds.

She also recommends teaching the older child social skills that will help him or her get along with a new brother or sister.


"It's important that they've got all the tools they need to establish a good relationship with a younger sibling," Kramer says.

Children who know how to invite other children to play or are able to say that they want to play alone tend to have better relationships with their siblings, Kramer says. It's also helpful to teach kids to communicate a wide range of emotions so they can express their feelings about the new addition to the family. Problem-solving skills and the ability to empathize with another's feeling also are useful, Kramer explains.

It's important to have conversations with a child about what it means to be a big brother or big sister, says Deborah Schoch, the childbirth educator at Cooper University Hospital in Camden, N.J. Parents should help their children start to see themselves as siblings, she tells ParentDish.

Schoch encourages children to express their feelings in pictures and stories. She also counsels parents to give kids practical advice about how babies eat, communicate and act.

"Give them an idea of what babies can and can't do," Schoch says. "Let them know they have to be gentle in the beginning."

Bringing youngsters on a tour of the hospital will help prepare them for the birth of the sibling. It's comforting for kids to see where Mom will go when she has the baby and to meet the people who will take care of her, Schoch says.

After the baby is born, moms should find some special activities they can do with the older siblings. Even simple things like sharing a snack or reading a story will help the older child feel important.

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]]>big brotherbig sisterevergreenhaving a babynew babynew siblingprepare for new siblingPrepareForNewSiblingMelissa Kossler DuttonFri, 04 Mar 2011 13:00:00 ESTBoy, 11, Disconnects From Family After Half Sister's Birthhttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/01/31/boy-11-disconnects-from-family-after-half-sisters-birth/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/01/31/boy-11-disconnects-from-family-after-half-sisters-birth/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/01/31/boy-11-disconnects-from-family-after-half-sisters-birth/#commentsFiled under: ,

Dear AdviceMama,

I was hospitalized for a month after having a new baby girl, and during that time my 11-year-old son, who was looked after by his stepdad (my husband), started getting into trouble at school. Now his grades are also slipping. I'm concerned about how to get him to join into the new baby experience without him getting jealous. He lives on Xbox and I have to threaten him to do anything with us. Please help!

Signed,
Concerned Mom

Dear Concerned,

Think of all the things your 11-year-old has had to deal with in the last few weeks: His mother was gone for a month because of a medical condition and he was left in the care of his stepdad. You reappeared with a new little sister to care for while healing from whatever required you to stay in the hospital. And suddenly there was a newborn requiring constant attention, making it easy for him to slip into the background.

It's easy to see that your son may be struggling to figure out where he fits in to this new family. Here's my advice:

o. Encourage your son to vent about the many changes he's been forced to adjust to recently. Acknowledge how hard it was to be away from you for so long. Let him tell you if he's jealous, sad or angry. The more you can get him to express what's bubbling beneath the emotional surface, the less he'll act on his negative feelings by getting into trouble or isolating himself from the family.

o. Make time to be alone with your 11-year old. He needs to know that he's still special and important to you, and actions speak much louder than words. I know you're probably feeling stretched already, but do your best to give him undivided attention every day, whether it's playing a few hands of a card game, telling jokes, or just cuddling.

o. Don't force the new baby on your son, but do create opportunities for him to hold her or just watch her make funny baby faces. Let him overhear you telling your daughter about her big brother's wonderful qualities. Once your son feels that his sister's presence doesn't mean that you aren't "his" anymore, he'll see her less as an annoying intruder, and more as an interesting diversion and a positive addition to the family.

o. Consider removing the Xbox and finding healthier activities for your boy to do in the common areas of your house. Many kids suppress their feelings by using video games as a drug to numb them from painful feelings. Make it appealing and interesting to be around you and his stepdad so that he feels wanted and included, rather than like an outsider.

Your son has gone from being an only child for 11 years to having to share you with a new husband and sibling, after coping with your extended hospital stay. Don't make the mistake of thinking that he's in his room because he loves his Xbox. While it's easy to get distracted by a video game, what all children really want and need is to feel lovingly connected to their family. Follow these tips, be patient and don't give up. Your son's behavior and grades will improve once things feel right again in his world.

Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama

AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.

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]]>blended familiesBlendedFamiliessibling rivalrySiblingRivalrySusan Stiffelman, MFTMon, 31 Jan 2011 11:00:00 ESTFamily Portrait: Four Generations of Womenhttp://www.parentdish.com/2010/12/09/family-portrait-four-generations-of-women/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/12/09/family-portrait-four-generations-of-women/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/12/09/family-portrait-four-generations-of-women/#commentsFiled under: ,

ParentDish copy editor Ashwini Bhat (second from left) with her daughter Neena (far left), her grandmother, Lakshmi, and her mother, Sharada. Courtesy of Ashwini Bhat



Ashwini Bhat, ParentDish's copy editor, might be based in Bangalore, India, but when she sent us this lovely photo of herself with her daughter, mother and grandmother, we were touched by how we can all relate to a shared family moment like this. Ash tells us that they were all sitting together looking at an old book of animals that she and her siblings used to love as kids when it suddenly struck her that there might not be many occasions like that in the future. So, she quickly thought to ask her brother to snap a picture. We're glad you did, Ash.

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]]>the editors at ParentDishThu, 09 Dec 2010 17:14:00 ESTStupid Questions People Ask Adoptive Parents, and Our Smartass Answershttp://www.parentdish.com/2010/11/30/stupid-questions-people-ask-adoptive-parents-and-our-smartass-a/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/11/30/stupid-questions-people-ask-adoptive-parents-and-our-smartass-a/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/11/30/stupid-questions-people-ask-adoptive-parents-and-our-smartass-a/#commentsFiled under: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Adoptive parents

Actually, there is such a thing as a stupid question. Illustration by Dori Hartley


As we say goodbye to National Adoption Month, let's close on a positive note. If you're an adoptive parent, this list will give you great answers to the most ridiculous questions you will ever get. If you're not an adoptive parent, think of this list as a reminder of when to adopt a think-before-you-ask moment.

1. Are those your real children?
*No, they're robots from the planet Mergatroid who landed here overnight. Careful, they may zap you with their bacteria-building laser gun.
*Is that your real brain or a loaner from the moron store?

2. Where is their real mother?
*With your husband.
*Out on parole next month. I'll give her your address.

3. Are they orphans?
*Why yes, didn't you catch their cameos in "Annie?"

4. Are your children related?
*Yes, to your father.
*Yes, they're siblings. You know, like your parents.

5. What do they eat?
*Idiots who ask stupid questions.
*Oh, goodness. Am I supposed to feed them?

6. Why didn't their mother have an abortion?
*Why didn't your mother have an abortion?

7. Can we touch their hair to see what it feels like?
*Sure, for $100.

8. Were they abused?
*Do you consider stupid comments and questions abuse?
*Yes, someone hit them upside the head with a 2-by-4. Here, let me show you how it feels.

9. Did they eat monkey (kid from Africa), rice (kid from China), borscht (kid from Russia), rice and beans (Central/South America)?
*Yes, because they're walking stereotypes of [insert nationality], just like you're a walking stereotype of an American idiot.

10. Where/how did you get them?
*I think it was somewhere in a TSA patdown line.
*On sale at Macy's. Black Friday. Buy one get one free.
*Have you ever heard of the store Buy Buy Baby?
*Ebay.
*On the corner over there. I think there's some left if you want some.
*Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt had a few left over, so ...
*From the International Association of None of Your Damn Business.

11. Were they in an orphanage? If so, where and for how long?
*No, they were actually placed in a traveling, government-run circus.
*Yes, it was the hard-knock life for them, 'stead of kisses, they got kicked.
*Only until Fagin taught them how to pick pockets.

12. Do they come from Haiti? It's good they escaped the earthquake.
*Yes. All the other third-world disaster victims had been snatched up already.

13. Why did you adopt them?
*Because I wanted to gray faster, like you!
*Angelina was busy and Madonna couldn't take the bad publicity.
*Somebody's gotta do the household chores and it's not gonna be me.
*I'm starting a home mail-order business. Free labor!
*It was between them and a Chia pet, and all my plants end up dying.

14. Couldn't you have your own children?
*Sure, but it kinda seemed so ... 2009.
*Sure, but whenever I run into you, for some reason I'm unable to perform in the bedroom.
*What, and wreck this perfect body with saggers and stretch marks like you did? Hello?
*Yes, but God and I agreed that this isn't the right time for another Messiah.

15. Do you know anything about their real parents? Are they alive?
*Nope. I killed them. [Laugh madly.]
*I probably shouldn't say this, but, she's a well-known public figure and he's well, let's just say very important. [Say this in hushed tones.]

16. How much money did they cost?
*Less than the cost of your cosmetic surgery.
*I got the discount ones, so it wasn't too bad actually.
*They were in a basket with a note that said, "Free! Take 'em!"
*I got them for selling subscriptions to Mother Jones.

17. Don't you feel sorry for birth mothers?
*Yes, yours in particular.

18. Do they know who their real parents are?
*Yes, the ringmaster and the bearded lady.
*Honestly, does anyone?
*No, do you?

19. Do you have an open adoption?
*The offer is always open for them to return to the Big Tent.
*Absolutely. We swap children every two years with a sweet family in Ohio.
*Sure, we're going to have a seance tonight.
*Do you have an open marriage? Your husband said it was an open marriage. Gosh, I hope he was telling the truth. I would hate for you to be hurt by someone's boorish insensitivity

20. When will you take them to see their real parents?
*When the circus comes to town again next summer. They've promised us free tickets.
*Not until we're sure we wanna keep them.
*When they realize that we are just impostors, their fake parents.
*Thought you'd never ask. How's next Tuesday?
*Gee, what do you suggest? Did you ever meet your real parents, or were they moved to another zoo?

21. Did you get to "pick" them?
*There wasn't much choice after you eliminated the World's Shortest Man from consideration.
*Yes, we found a pick-your-own baby farm.
*Yep, like lint off your sweater. Here, let me get that for you.
*No, they fell right off the tree.

22. What do they call you? Mom?
*They've already adopted the American practice of, "Hey, you."
*'Mom' seems to have that motherly ring to it, which is kind of cool being that I'm their mom.
*They call me mom for the same reason people call you dumb ass. It just fits.

23. Did they have diseases when they came to America? Do they have diseases now?
*Only one. It's a strange jungle disease only communicable through a high-five. Hey, you didn't happen to ... ? Oh, never mind.
*They have foot-in-mouth disease, which I believe they caught from you.

24. Do any of them have HIV?
*Do you?
*No, you can't have sex with them.

25. Do you feel like you "missed out" on having your own children?
*Yes, morning sickness, extra baby weight and painful labor are all on my Christmas list this year.
*No, these little wonders fill that empty void that was my terrible, unsatisfied life of doom and gloom.
*There are worse fates. Just ask your parents.

26. Why did you wait so long to have children?
*We were too busy drinking, drugging and dancing naked on bar tables.
*Most people don't realize schizophrenia becomes more manageable in middle-age.
*You soured me on the whole concept of humanity until I realized not everyone is an imbecile.

27. Do they speak English?
*Only when they swear.
*Yes. You should try it sometime.

28. When they arrived, did they know how to use the toilet?
*Yes, of course, because it's easier than reaching the faucet. [Pause here so they can think about what you just said.]
*Don't worry. They won't try to flush you. I explained to them the different kinds of turds.

29. Why don't they have birth control in that country?
*They want rich Americans to take their children away. It's a master plan to bring down the United States.

30: Do they still speak (Swahili, Chinese, Spanish, Russian)?
*Only at school. It gets them special ESL accommodations. We're trying to game the system.
*That and five other languages, all fluently.
*Yes, and they're teaching me several new ways to tell you to $#@! off!

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]]>adoptionadoptive familiesAdoptiveFamiliesthe editors at ParentDishTue, 30 Nov 2010 08:00:00 ESTTransracial Adoption Leads to Stares: How One Mother Dealshttp://www.parentdish.com/2010/11/04/transracial-adoption-leads-to-stares-how-one-mother-deals/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/11/04/transracial-adoption-leads-to-stares-how-one-mother-deals/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/11/04/transracial-adoption-leads-to-stares-how-one-mother-deals/#commentsFiled under: , , , , ,

transracial adoption picture

Ilie Ruby and her three children. Credit: Ilie Ruby

There is a natural curiosity about a Caucasian woman holding the hands of three African kiddos at a Chinese restaurant. Visually, things don't quite jive. Transracial families are still, in most places, an oddity, and staring comes with the territory. This is what I tell my three children, all adopted from Ethiopia.

Two years ago, when my children first arrived, people stared at us wherever we went -- a water park, the mall, the grocery store, the train station, the beach. During our first summer as a family, people seemed to be riveted by the striking beauty of my eldest; the dark shade of her skin made even more luminous by the summer sun.

The problem is compounded because my daughter has a penchant for lo mein.

The Chinese restaurant that my daughter insists on dining at has been the site of the most overt staring offenses. At one dinner in particular, the family behind us (whom she was facing) was staring at her, which included two little girls whispering. While she tried to ignore it, she said that the situation was hurting her heart. I leaned over the booth and politely waved at the staring family.

"Geez, my daughter thinks your girls are staring at her," I offered. "Is it because she is so beautiful?" Thankfully, the mother caught on quickly, and agreed that yes, it was because my daughter was so beautiful.

Not long after, it happened again in the same Chinese restaurant. I had just returned from taking my toddler to the restroom when my eldest reported that the people at the facing table were staring at her (different family than the previous offenders). So this time I told her to smile and wave. She did. Then I turned around and smiled and politely waved at them. They all waved and smiled back. "Your kids are beautiful," the mother called out. "And so well-behaved." I thanked her.

Now, two years later, we ignore the staring. Perhaps we don't notice it anymore. Perhaps we have become part of the fabric of our community. I am acutely aware that my repertoire of responses and reactions will continue to evolve as I grow in my own understanding of our family and its place in the world. And I also know that my children's reactions will change as they move through varying developmental stages. So we take each day and each situation as it comes. On occasion, when I am confounded, I call a very wise adoptive mom of six Ethiopian children for her best advice. It truly does take a village.

Thankfully, now, with some time under her belt, my eldest has a confidence that humbles me and a zest for life that gives her a rare charisma. She has a group of friends who adore her. She is charming, funny, and if you cross her, she'll stand up for herself.

Does race get in the way? Sometimes. Does it still hurt? Sometimes. As I cuddle my children, talk to them, walk them through scenarios and keep them from harm's way, what I try to keep in the front of my mind is that I can never truly understand what this particular issue feels like to them. I can share my own childhood struggles, but I can't pretend to know this particular struggle intimately. And I can't tell them not to let it hurt their hearts.

Though painful at times, I must let my children have their feelings. I can help them speak their truth and equip them to deal with whatever comes their way. But in order to flourish, we have to accept that "looking different" is a part of our lives, and assert that this is a real family built by adoption, bonded by love. My children have a place where they belong and parents who love and adore them. This seems to take the sting out of things, I've found. For all the questions and staring from strangers, the racial divide has, in some ways, strengthened us. Because when held up against the bond we have -- the humor, the connection, the trust, the love -- well, nothing really stands a chance.

As for the Chinese restaurant, my eldest has the standing option of never going back there. But my outgoing, glorious daughter has a penchant for lo mein. And regardless of what has gone on before, she continues to insist on going back to that Chinese restaurant.

Ilie Ruby is the mother of three children from Ethiopia and the author of The Language of Trees, a novel about healing, second chances and how far we will go to protect the ones we love. Read her blog on Red Room.

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]]>adoptiontransracial adoptionTransracialAdoptionIlie RubyThu, 04 Nov 2010 12:00:00 ESTSnap Judgement: A Holiday Card Photo Dilemmahttp://www.parentdish.com/2010/11/03/snap-judgement-a-holiday-card-photo-dilemma/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/11/03/snap-judgement-a-holiday-card-photo-dilemma/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/11/03/snap-judgement-a-holiday-card-photo-dilemma/#commentsFiled under: , , , , ,

The author, third from left, and his clan win The Happiest Family photo contest in 1957. Credit: Davega Stores

My father was always taking pictures. Still photos, movies, he had to have all the latest equipment. We were always being posed for just one more shot. Going through his boxes not long after he died, I found a reel of Super-8 millimeter sound film he'd taken of my bar mitzvah. Well, not my real bar mitzvah (no cameras in the temple, please) but a recreation of it in our basement.

When I married Leslie in 1988, I inherited the role of family photographer. Meaning, among other things, that, like my father, I'm missing from most of our family photographs.

The dust-covered boxes of slides and negatives have mostly been replaced by iPhotos. Meaning I have thousands of pictures that are unsorted, uncatalogued and rarely looked at. Like my dad, I still manage to annoy my kids by taking pictures of them whenever I can.

On the last weekend of August, we drove them, Emily and Nick, from home in New York City to Ann Arbor, Michigan, where my son was to begin his freshman year of college. Leslie and I, in the front seats of the rented SUV, had signed our separation agreement and filed for divorce just a few weeks earlier.

We didn't speak very much.

The two kids sat in the back with Nick's MacBook Pro watching movies and old episodes of "The Office" that they seemed to know by heart. Earbuds cut them off from us; an added buffer was provided by the satellite radio I'd set to the jazz, blues, classical, classic rock, folk and Sinatra channels, and which I surfed impatiently.

It felt like a demilitarized zone on wheels.

We stopped overnight in Cleveland, at the home of my brother Ed and his wife, Sue, their suburban place big enough to provide separate bedrooms for Leslie and me. Emily and Nick shared a room, as they like to do, because they tend to stay up all night watching, well, movies and old episodes of "The Office."

We retired early, and the next morning, after a late breakfast, I cajoled the kids into letting me take some pictures in the lush backyard before heading off for the last few hours of the drive. It was not the send-off any of us had imagined, for we all seemed keenly aware that the place Nick would be coming home to on vacations and breaks was never to be the same again.

Some of our closest friends were shocked when we announced that were splitting up. They're still shocked. Leslie and I had hosted memorable dinner parties and reared children who took pleasure in family rituals, family vacations, family meals. We'd put on, in the inimitable words of Ed Sullivan, a really good shoe.

Bennetts-Gerard Family holiday card, 2003. Credit: Jeremy Gerard

"I have every one of your Christmas cards," several friends said, their voices tinged with disbelief.

Yes, the Christmas card. It was just Emily for the first three years, and then the two of them -- never the four of us. It was always a holiday picture -- no one ever got a family Christmas card with our kids on horses at a dude ranch in July. They were in outfits befitting the season, usually red and green, almost always with snow.

People tended to keep those holiday pictures of the Bennetts-Gerard kids. "We're part of a perfect family," they advertised.

When I was 5, my mother, father, brothers and I drove to the opening of a new department store in a nearby town. They were taking pictures of every family, and that night, while my parents were out, we got a phone call telling us that we'd won the Davega Stores' Happy Family Contest. As the Happiest Family, we were entitled to $100 worth of free stuff, which in1957 was quite a windfall. My brothers and I posted signs all over the house telling my parents we'd been named the Happiest Family, which of course we weren't and never had been. I learned early on that, contrary to the popular notion, at least in the era before PhotoShop, pictures often lie.

Now, on the clear bright morning of that Sunday in Cleveland, when the summer heat was first showing signs of blowing away in autumn breezes, Em and Nick posed in in my big brother's tidy backyard. One particular photo haunts me: the light is golden, the greens are vibrant and the two of them look a little distant, as though their minds are focused elsewhere. Certainly not on Christmas morning in a living room on Riverside Drive crowded with a huge tree and stockings and dozens of packages waiting to be opened.

I believe that's the picture I'm going to send out this year.

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]]>empty nestempty-nestEmptyNestJeremy GerardWed, 03 Nov 2010 12:00:00 ESTWhen Adult Children Fight, a Mother's Heart Breakshttp://www.parentdish.com/2010/10/29/when-adult-children-fight-a-mothers-heart-breaks/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/10/29/when-adult-children-fight-a-mothers-heart-breaks/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/10/29/when-adult-children-fight-a-mothers-heart-breaks/#commentsFiled under: , ,

The author's sons, Alex and Nicolas, in simpler days. Credit: Jessica Barksdale Inclan


When my older son Alex was a child, he did everything before he knew how and without considering if it would work. He walked and fell, rode a bike and crashed. He tried to be a grown-up his way. He crashed, he burned, he learned.

When my younger son Nicolas was a child, he didn't do anything until he knew he could do it without fail. He waited until he was 16 months old to walk, and one day, he stood up and ran. He read when he could understand complete sentences. After many difficult bike riding lessons with his father, he couldn't do more than one or two pedals before falling. Then one day when his father was facing the other way, Nicolas took off down the street.

Alex is an anarchist. He is a hater of leaders and laws, a college graduate and now a writer who envisions a government as slim as a piece of paper. He despises anything that enforce rules on the masses -- traffic signs, tax laws, social norms and customs.

Nicolas, on the other hand, was a military history major, now a police-academy aspirant and law-abiding citizen with one moving violation that he erased through traffic school.

At one time, these were my happy little boys, my sons who played together all day on the weekends, slept in the same room for years. In that small bedroom, they had an enormous Lego town, a town that stayed together through two moves, only dismantled when Nicolas was a sophomore in high school. When they played with the town, Alex took charge, taking the role of the main character; Nicholas was everyone else.

They both went to the same college, called each other frequently, hiked together, laughed together. But when Nicolas began to become the man he is, their ideologies started to pull them apart.

Nicolas could no longer go to the rallies, the protests, the angry mob scenes at the United States Army base in Tacoma. He couldn't listen to Alex's wild tales of anarchist revelry. He began to despise all that Alex stood for, and their drives home from Washington State began to get ugly, full of silences or harsh words. When Alex found out that Nicolas was applying to police departments for work, he felt his brother was attacking his principles.

Our last meal together, all of us sitting around the table of our new home, was as unpleasant as could be.

"Could you just stop?" Nicolas yelled, putting down his fork. "I can't listen to this propaganda anymore. You're just lazy. You just don't want to work."

"And you're doing this cop crap to spite me," Alex shouted back. "You don't really want to be a pig, do you?"

"You think my choice is about you?" Nicolas said. "How narcissistic can you get?"

Finally, after more emotional punching, Nicolas pushed away from the table. Alex followed him in to the kitchen, words flying like missiles, despite my attempts to break up the fight. I eventually managed to quell that argument, but throughout their visit here, the fight erupted again and again, ending with a tense, silent ride up to the Northwest and a standoff that lasted for months.

I have a photo on my desk of my two curly-headed boys, Nicolas hugging Alex, Alex's arm pulling him close. Both are smiling big-toothed smiles. But these two little boys are gone. And the little brother doesn't want to be the tag-along anymore. He's his own man, with his own values and his own life, and what he wants is his brother to accept him. Alex fights back, wanting his ideas to be heard and honored. Seeing that the past is slipping away, big brother grasps for the memories of what was.

I also want to cling to that long-ago brother relationship because it was magical. Somehow, I thought back then, I did something right with these two.

The fighting. This is the part of parenting that we don't think about when children are in diapers. Here is when children become adults, and adults don't always agree and then happily eat peanut butter-and-jelly sandwiches together. Young adults learn how to individuate, and that's what I'm watching now.

It's possible that these two will never come back to one another. The fight could be the axe that splits their relationship wide open, forever irreparable. I close my eyes and breathe in hard when I think of them forever at opposite sides. Siblings are the closest relationships in time and age and place. Siblings know each other in ways no one else can, and to see my boys approach an end to this connection is more than I can bear.

Though it's possible things may never be repaired, and their eroding relationship is painful for all three of us, I have faith that buried beneath the hurt and anger is that hug, those smiles, those two boys in the photo taken so long ago.

Jessica Barksdale Inclan is a novelist who teaches literature and creative writing for Diablo Valley College. Visit her at Red Room to read about her work, including her supernatural romance novel Being with Him, now available in paperback.

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]]>Jessica Barksdale InclanFri, 29 Oct 2010 10:00:00 ESTConfessions of a Childhood Bullyhttp://www.parentdish.com/2010/10/26/confessions-of-a-childhood-bully/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/10/26/confessions-of-a-childhood-bully/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/10/26/confessions-of-a-childhood-bully/#commentsFiled under: , , , , , ,

childhood bully picture

Do bullying wounds ever heal? Illustration by Christopher Healy

My sister was three years younger than me and small for her age. She had a pixie haircut and a dark complexion that set her apart from the rest of our fair-skinned family. Strangers often mistook her for a boy or a foreign-born adoptee.

I rarely dared to hurt her physically, not because she was younger and painfully thin, but because what she lacked in strength she made up for in ferociousness. When she was a toddler, I'd impulsively slap or pinch her and keep walking -- until the time I felt her teeth sink into my back. From then on, I kept my distance.

Instead, I assaulted her with words, calling her a mistake, mutant, slob, loser. I glared at her across the dinner table, or pretended she wasn't there as I talked to my parents and brothers, everyone but her. I snorted in contempt when she brought up her achievements in kindergarten, and laughed when she shared a bad day. She stayed silent as our mother gave her meaningful looks, as if to say, "Remember what we talked about." Mom repeatedly ordered me to stop being nasty and leave her alone, to no avail. I was bursting with irrational hatred.

Now I read articles about bullying and cringe. Victims I have never met reopen decades-old memories of my little sister, my scapegoat. Together, their awful helplessness weighs me down like a load of bricks; it kicks me in the gut and knocks the air out of me. I fantasize about saving just one child from a bully, as if to wipe my own slate clean.

But my sympathy also extends, guiltily, to the perpetrators. I wonder if someone is insulting and domineering those kids, too, or if they have witnessed someone they love being tormented. Will anyone even think to investigate? I imagine staging an intervention and holding a mirror to a bully's seething insides. But after he faces the awful truth, then what? I've treated the symptom, not the disease. There's no happy ending to that scenario.

I know now that when I bullied my sister, I was fighting somebody else. She was an arbitrary enemy on whom I would practice my revenge. My real target was a babysitter, an adult relative who frequently abused me verbally. Although I stood up for myself and talked back, it had no effect.

My sister reacted to my tongue lashings the way I wished my harasser would've. Her silence was my reward. After I hurt her, I would feel energized and hopeful, like I could take on any threat. But in that moment of relief, a nagging voice whispered that my sister didn't deserve such treatment any more than I did. Unable to handle the guilt, I would quickly rationalize my behavior: "My sister made me feel like this. She did deserve it."

Today, we live on opposite coasts and see each other once a year or so. I shower her young daughter with gifts. I try to talk to my sister about the past and forge a closer relationship. Once or twice she's confided in me about weathering tough times as an adult, but it's been several years since we really connected. Her poker face reveals nothing to me of her feelings or opinions. Our mother says that's just the way she is.

I hope my mother is wrong. I want to believe my sister is guarded only around me. I can't bear to think she is aloof with strangers and close friends alike, and that I helped make her that way.

My sister enjoys watching her only child play tea party with her stuffed animals. At 5, my niece is happy and self-sufficient and fearless.

My sister turned out stronger than her bully. She treats others the way she should have been treated, not the way she was treated by me. I'm proud of her. And, I am truly sorry.

Jo Parente is the ParentDish nom de plume, a pen name, used by our editorial team when we want to spill our dirty little secrets but still keep our dignity, and families, intact.

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]]>Jo ParenteTue, 26 Oct 2010 14:00:00 ESTRoom for Baby: Sharing With Siblingshttp://www.parentdish.com/2010/10/22/room-for-baby-sharing-with-siblings/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/10/22/room-for-baby-sharing-with-siblings/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/10/22/room-for-baby-sharing-with-siblings/#commentsFiled under: , ,

Now, this is the image you pray for when your toddler is sharing a room with your baby. Credit: Getty

Siblings sharing a bedroom is a fact of life when you live in a small space, but toddlers sharing a room with a baby sibling can present a special challenge to parents.

It's essential that your kids sleep well at night and during nap times, as good sleep is important for you and your children. However, how will your toddler adapt to sharing a room with your new baby? Will your baby's frequent night-wakings disturb your toddler's sleep? How can you coordinate naps? If your toddler must make room for baby in his bedroom, there are a few things you should keep in mind.

1. Children can adapt easily. Oftentimes, your first child will be a light sleeper because you most likely put him to sleep in total silence when he was an infant. First-time parents tend to encourage house guests to be very quiet if they visit while your baby is sleeping. The good news is just because your toddler is a light sleeper now doesn't mean he will always wake at the first noise he hears when he's sharing a room with the baby. He will quickly learn to go back to sleep when awakened in the middle of the night. If not, you can always try a sleep training method, such as Marc Weissbluth's "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child."

2. Expect problems at the beginning. Your toddler will probably react negatively to sharing a room with his baby sibling, and he probably will be waking up in the middle of the night when the baby wakes up. Know that you will most likely have several nights of night-waking for the first couple of weeks of sharing a room with the baby. It will take some time for your toddler to adjust to sleeping heavier. Give him reassurances that he will be able to sleep through the night eventually.

3. Learn how to coordinate naps. Nap times for toddlers can be tricky, as there can be a certain window of time optimum for sleep. When your toddler is sharing a room with the baby, your infant could distract your toddler from falling asleep and throw his entire nap routine out of sorts. One thing to try to keep this from happening is to put your oldest child to sleep first, and then put your baby down for her nap. You may have to do some experimenting and reworking, but once you've found a routine that works, stick with it.

4. Prepare for early wake-ups. Your baby most likely will awake pretty early for her first feeding, and if she's sharing a room with her older brother, he probably will wake up at this time, as well. You can try to get him back to sleep by giving him a book to look at while you feed the baby, and he may fall back asleep before you put your baby back to bed. If you have problems with him going back to sleep, consider using a Pack 'n Play for your baby to sleep in placed in your bedroom for her last couple of hours of sleep to keep from disturbing her brother.

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]]>baby roomparent-dishroom for babysharing a roomSally WorshamFri, 22 Oct 2010 07:45:00 ESTMy Son Is Awful to His Younger Sister. What Can I Do?http://www.parentdish.com/2010/09/27/my-son-is-awful-to-his-younger-sister-what-can-i-do/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/09/27/my-son-is-awful-to-his-younger-sister-what-can-i-do/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/09/27/my-son-is-awful-to-his-younger-sister-what-can-i-do/#commentsFiled under: , , ,

Dear AdviceMama,

My 13-year-old son responds negatively to his 10-year-old sister. Since he was little, he has criticized her, whispered sarcastic remarks and even shoved her. We have tried to praise him when he's positive toward her, and have taken away privileges but he continues to bully my daughter. What else can we do to end this?

Signed,
Out of Options

Dear Options,

Imagine how you'd feel if your husband brought home a new wife and tried to convince you that he still loved you the same, and that he was sure that this new woman would add to the happiness of your family. Picture him trying to convince you that in time you'd come to love his new wife with all your heart. Chances are, you'd have a whole lot of resentment toward this new lady -- and your husband would have a whole lot of explaining to do!

As much as we want our children to adore their siblings, mutual affection doesn't always happen on its own. Some kids are quite welcoming toward a new brother or sister, but others require our concerted effort to forge a loving connection between them.

I'm glad you want to address the problem now; studies suggest that a sibling's negative behavior can impact a child as much or even more than that of a parent's, because a brother or sister represents that all-important peer approval (or disapproval), which has such a profound effect on a child's self-esteem.

Here's my advice:

Allow your son to express his emotions, without censoring him or giving him what I call an Act II, where you try to explain why he should feel differently about your daughter. Chances are, he's been "leaking out" his anger toward his sister with mean jabs and shoves because he hasn't been allowed to voice his negative feelings without being scolded.

Make comments that you think he'll say "Yes" to, so he feels you hear and understand his frustration: "Sometimes your sister really annoys you, and it's tempting to say something mean to hurt her ..." or "It's hard to resist putting your sister down when you get so mad ..."

Offer him safe and acceptable outlets for his anger; hand him a plastic baseball bat and let him hit a pile of crumpled newspapers, or give him a piece of big-sized bubble wrap that he can stomp on to get his feelings out. The more you make it okay for your son to be upset, the less his bottled up emotions will spill over onto his sister.

Do make sure you're giving each of your children the chance to feel special in your eyes by spending one-on-one time with them, and by generously acknowledging the unique ways that they light up your world. The more your son feels seen and appreciated by you, the less his jealousy will fuel his misbehavior.

While your son may not fully appreciate his sister's presence now, if you take these steps, there's a good chance they'll eventually become lifelong friends. Don't give up! Someday, they'll both thank you for the effort you make to help them create a healthy relationship.


Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.

Have a question for AdviceMama? Submit your question here

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]]>Susan Stiffelman, MFTMon, 27 Sep 2010 12:02:00 ESTShould We Use Two Middle Names to Keep the Peace?http://www.parentdish.com/2010/09/16/should-we-use-two-middle-names-to-keep-the-peace/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/09/16/should-we-use-two-middle-names-to-keep-the-peace/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/09/16/should-we-use-two-middle-names-to-keep-the-peace/#commentsFiled under: ,

What are your thoughts on using two middle names? I have two boys who would both like to select the middle name for their new brother. Of course, they can't agree!

- Compromising Mom

This is a new twist on an extra middle name. Most parents who choose to double up are making some nod to tradition. In some cases, the family has always used two middle names, such as the grandfathers on both sides of the family. Other families want to honor prominent ancestors or proud lineages.

Continue reading Should We Use Two Middle Names to Keep the Peace?

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]]>family traditionsFamilyTraditionsmiddle namemiddle namesMiddleNameMiddleNamessibling bondingSiblingBondingThe Name LadyThu, 16 Sep 2010 16:10:00 ESTDivorce: Saying Good-Bye to the Kids and the Nesthttp://www.parentdish.com/2010/08/17/divorce-saying-good-bye-to-the-kids-and-the-nest/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/08/17/divorce-saying-good-bye-to-the-kids-and-the-nest/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/08/17/divorce-saying-good-bye-to-the-kids-and-the-nest/#commentsFiled under: , , ,

Jeremy Gerard's kids

The author's children, Nick and Emily. Credit: Jeremy Gerard

Tears come easily to me -- an airline commercial can do the trick -- but crying, of the loud, snot-gulping, bottomless despair sort, is rare. Yet that's what happened when I flipped through Nick's yearbook and came to the page we'd bought to salute his graduation from high school in June.

The top half has cameo photographs of him at various ages, with a congratulatory note from my wife Leslie and me, standard-issue stuff. The bottom half was designed by his older sister Emily. In the picture, they're walking away from me, their arms around around each other, she looking back at the camera, a huge smile lighting up her face.

"Wee one," her message reads, "I got your back. Love, the luckiest big sister in the whole wide world."

None of us knew how much those words, written last fall, would mean when they were published so many months later. Over family dinner in the spring, Leslie and I told them that we were divorcing and I would be moving out as soon as I could find a new place of my own.

Continue reading Divorce: Saying Good-Bye to the Kids and the Nest

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]]>divorceempty nestempty-nestsingle parentingJeremy GerardTue, 17 Aug 2010 15:30:00 ESTBig or Little, Sisters Help Ward off Depressionhttp://www.parentdish.com/2010/08/04/big-or-little-sisters-help-ward-off-depression/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/08/04/big-or-little-sisters-help-ward-off-depression/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/08/04/big-or-little-sisters-help-ward-off-depression/#commentsFiled under: , , , , , , ,

Sisters Serena and Venus Williams are partners on and off the court. Credit: Anja Niedringhaus/AP

She may be bossy or annoying and she might steal your clothes, but having a sister, whether older or younger, helps kids ward off the blues.

A recent study on the impact of siblings showed that kids between the ages of 10 and 14 were less likely to feel unloved, guilty, lonely, self-conscious or fearful if they have a sister. That was true regardless of how far apart the kids were in age.

"Even after you account for parents' influence, siblings do matter in unique ways," the study's lead author, Laura Padilla-Walker, a professor at Brigham Young University School of Family Life, says in a statement. "They give kids something that parents don't."

It's not just sisters who count. Having a loving sibling of either gender promoted good deeds and charitable attitudes such as helping a neighbor or watching out for other kids at school -- twice as strongly as having a loving parent did.

Continue reading Big or Little, Sisters Help Ward off Depression

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]]>depressionsiblingssistersMonique El-FaizyWed, 04 Aug 2010 17:30:00 EST'SpongeBob' and Other Names Our Child Wanted to Name the New Babyhttp://www.parentdish.com/2010/07/27/spongebob-and-other-names-our-child-wanted-to-name-the-new-bab/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/07/27/spongebob-and-other-names-our-child-wanted-to-name-the-new-bab/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/07/27/spongebob-and-other-names-our-child-wanted-to-name-the-new-bab/#commentsFiled under: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

"SpongeBob" does have a nice ring to it... Credit: Nickelodeon / AP

Magician Penn Gillette and his wife named their baby daughter Moxie CrimeFighter.
That raises an interesting question: "What the $#@!?"

Moxie CrimeFighter sounds like a name another kid would come up with. Children can be extraordinarily clever when it comes to naming other children. And we're not just talking about colorful odor-based nicknames.

We asked contributors to Seed.com -- AOL's freelance website -- to share some of the names their children suggested for siblings. Here are some of the best responses.

"After my husband and I gave our daughter Sam the big job of helping us name our son, she immediately turned to us and very seriously stated 'SpongeBob.' I tried to explain that "SpongeBob" wasn't really a name. 'But Mom!' she exclaimed, 'SpongeBob is a cute name!' " -Melissa Vacca

"When our 4-year-old daughter was informed she would have a new baby brother or sister in a few months, and when asked what to name the said child, she replied, 'Let's name the baby after the dog!' Whom she also named: 'Peanut butter.'"

Continue reading 'SpongeBob' and Other Names Our Child Wanted to Name the New Baby

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]]>baby namesBabyNamesexpire-images:2011-6-30spongebobthe editors at ParentDishTue, 27 Jul 2010 13:00:00 ESTEasy Ways to Bring New Style to Old Hand-Me-Downshttp://www.parentdish.com/2010/07/22/easy-ways-to-bring-new-style-to-old-hand-me-downs/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/07/22/easy-ways-to-bring-new-style-to-old-hand-me-downs/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/07/22/easy-ways-to-bring-new-style-to-old-hand-me-downs/#commentsFiled under: , , , , , ,

Dress up those jean hand me downs

Turn denim scraps into a bouquet to dress up jeans or a jacket. Photo: Gina Provenzano

Just try to name a kid who would pass up something new for a hand-me-down from an older sibling. Still thinking? That's what we thought.

While nobody prefers hand-me-downs, few can deny the budgetary bonuses, as well as the ecological benefits, of passing along gently worn clothing from one child to the next. Good news: With a few simple steps, you can give previously-worn duds an entirely new look.

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]]>back to schoolBackToSchoolfashionhand me down clotheshand me downsHandMeDownClothesHandMeDownskids clothesKidsClothesstyleGina ProvenzanoThu, 22 Jul 2010 13:00:00 ESTKids Fighting? Don't Send Them to Their Rooms - Teach Them to Get Alonghttp://www.parentdish.com/2010/07/21/kids-fighting-dont-send-them-to-their-rooms-teach-them-to-ge/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/07/21/kids-fighting-dont-send-them-to-their-rooms-teach-them-to-ge/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/07/21/kids-fighting-dont-send-them-to-their-rooms-teach-them-to-ge/#commentsFiled under: , , , , ,

Give peace a chance. Credit: Getty Images


It's standard operating procedure for a parent with fighting kids: If you're feeling particularly energetic, you stop to figure out who did what and maybe even who started it (or not), and then you send your kids to their room.

Turns out, it's time to throw away that parenting manual.

A researcher from the University of Illinois says that approach is not the best one for raising siblings who can get along. By focusing on the conflicts between kids, parents are preventing them from learning how to work things out, Laurie Kramer, professor of applied family studies, writes in the journal Child Development Perspectives.

"Even if you're successful at reducing conflict and antagonism, research suggests that you'll probably be left with little positive interaction between siblings," Kramer says in a statement. "Do you really want your kids to head for their rooms and spend time mainly on their own interests and with their own friends?"

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]]>conflict-resolutionparentingsibling rivalrySiblingRivalrysiblingsMonique El-FaizyWed, 21 Jul 2010 13:14:00 EST