ParentDishhttp://www.parentdish.comParentDishhttp://www.parentdish.com/media/feedlogo.gifParentDishhttp://www.parentdish.comen-usCopyright 2012 Weblogs, Inc. The contents of this feed are available for non-commercial use only.Blogsmith http://www.blogsmith.com/Study: Employers Can Keep Mom Happy -- And on the Jobhttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/06/21/employers-can-keep-mom-happy/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/06/21/employers-can-keep-mom-happy/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/06/21/employers-can-keep-mom-happy/#commentsFiled under: ,

Employers Can Keep Mama Happy

Moms are more likely to keep their jobs if they have more control over their work schedules and have job security as well as the ability to make use of a variety of their job skills. Credit: Getty Images


Will she really return from maternity leave? Or will she take one look at that newborn and leave us forever?

Such thoughts plague employers.

However, a study out of Baylor University suggests they can increase their odds of luring good employees back to work and hanging on to them following maternity leaves.

Moms are more likely to keep their jobs if they have more control over their work schedules and have job security as well as the ability to make use of a variety of their job skills. Dads would probably like all that stuff, but researchers at Baylor were focusing on keeping moms happy in this particular study, which is published online in the Journal of Applied Psychology.

"Having a flexible schedule is an important element necessary to decrease working mom turnover because it can be used when work demands arise," the study's author, Dawn Carlson, says in a university press release.

"When confronted by one or more job demands, a flexible schedule provides working moms with alternatives for meeting those demands while caring for their newborns," adds Carlson, a professor of management and H. R. Gibson Chair of Organizational Development at the Hankamer School of Business at Baylor.

"When working moms are better able to control their work environment and adapt, work-related stress is less likely to become a family issue."

Carlson notes that 71 percent of women with children under the age of 18 were working or looking for work; nearly 60 percent of women with young children were employed. Yet a lot of moms who return to work after childbirth subsequently leave the labor force. Carlson conducted this study to find out why.

The transition back to work is pivotal for a new mother, she says in the press release. The study offers insight into how a job can either contribute to or detract from the mother's decision to stay with her employer.

Carlson and her team surveyed 179 full-time working mothers in North Carolina with an average age of 31. The majority, 79 percent, was married. They worked an average of 39.7 hours per week and planned on returning to work 30 or more hours within four months after having their babies.

"Job security heightens motivation and energy, particularly for mothers who are sensitive to the security of their jobs after returning from maternity leave," Merideth Ferguson, an assistant professor of management and entrepreneurship at Baylor and a co-author of the study, says in the release.

"When working mothers believe that their tenure with an organization is not at risk, they will have more energy and other resources with which to fully engage and perform both at work and at home," she adds.

Mental and physical health play an important role in retaining working mothers and deserve attention, Carlson concludes.

"Although further research is needed, the results of this study indicate the impact of job characteristics on work-family relations that play a role in the mental and physical health and retention of working mothers as they make the pivotal transition back to work after childbirth," she says.

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]]>Baylor University Research Working Mothers Flexible SchedulesEmployers Can Keep Mama Happywork lifeTom HendersonTue, 21 Jun 2011 16:30:00 ESTDon't Invite Your Mom to the Job Interview (and Other Tips)http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/25/helicopter-parents-job-interviews/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/25/helicopter-parents-job-interviews/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/25/helicopter-parents-job-interviews/#commentsFiled under: ,

job interview

It's one thing being a helicopter mom ... Credit: Getty Images

"Mooom! I am 48 years old! I think I can apply for a job without your help. No, I do not think it helps for you to tell the CEO that I am a 'good boy.' "

Don't be embarrassed.

A lot of well-meaning but misguided parents have done a lot worse things to humiliate their children on the job trail.

One mother called a job interviewer [during the job interview] to lobby for her son. Another stopped a potential boss at the grocery store to press her daughter's case.

Executives at OfficeTeam, a staffing service specializing in the placement of administrative professionals, asked employers to share their best (or worst) examples of meddling parents. Here, according to an OfficeTeam press release, are some of the responses:

o. "One parent wanted to sit in during the interview."

o. "A parent called a politician to push me to hire his son."

o. "A mother submitted her daughter's resume on her behalf."

o. "A parent called to ask about a job applicant's work schedule and salary."

o. "I received a call from a father asking about the status of his son's application."

o. "A parent came by my desk and told me that he expected his daughter to get preference for a position since he was a manager at the company."

o. "A mother called to ask how her child did in the job interview."

o. "A parent called to find out why we did not hire her son and why we felt he was not qualified."

"Although most parents mean well, those who become overly involved in a child's job search can derail their son or daughter's prospects of being hired because companies may question the applicant's level of independence and maturity," Robert Hosking, executive director of OfficeTeam, says in the release. "New graduates should steer their parents away from direct contact with potential employers and toward behind-the-scenes guidance and networking assistance."

Some behind-the-scenes ways parents can help, according to OfficeTeam:

o. Networking. A parent's friends and colleagues can help set up introductory meetings with employers and alert you to opportunities.

o. Counseling. Have parents review your resume and cover letter. They can spot typos and other errors and make sure the most valuable information is included. Use your parents as a sounding board about potential opportunities.

o. Practicing. Conduct mock interviews with parents to practice responses to common questions. Ask for constructive feedback on your answers and delivery.

Finally, looking for a job can be difficult, OfficeTeam execs say. It's important to remain positive. Seek parental advice and support throughout the process to keep on track.

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]]>helicopter parentsjob interviewTom HendersonWed, 25 May 2011 16:00:00 ESTPlanning for Summer Child Carehttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/13/planning-for-summer-child-care/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/13/planning-for-summer-child-care/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/13/planning-for-summer-child-care/#commentsFiled under: , ,

Summer Child Care

Summer will be here before you know it, and our little ones are counting down the days until school lets out. When that happens, families will have to fill anywhere from eight to 10 hours a day of child care. Summer isn't only a difficult time to plan and arrange child care, it's also the most expensive part of the year.

The average family can spend up $7,000 per child during the summer months. That's half of their annual child care budget! I asked our Care.com members if they planned on cutting back for the summer. In this economy, it wasn't surprising to see that 75 percent planned to find money-saving alternatives this year.

In the past, Ron (my husband) and I always put our boys into summer camps. But, this year, with the economic downturn, we've chatted about some other creative ways to cut costs while still making sure our 9-year-old son, Adam, enjoys his summer.

For example, Adam would love to go to a baseball camp, but that quickly gets pricey. Our local town camp is a great alternative since it's more economical and many of his school friends would be there, too. Of course, with the local camp, we'd have to figure out after-camp babysitting ... planning just never ends, does it?

If you're thinking about your child care plans for the summer, I've put together some ideas to keep the season fun for your little ones, while staying friendly to your family's budget.

Enlist Backup Babysitters
We ran another poll within the last few weeks asking Care.com members what kind of child care they'll need for the summer. The biggest response? A babysitter.

Before you hire a sitter, make sure you check the market rate. With college students looking for work, babysitting rates may be lower than other times of year. This handy salary calculator can keep you up-to-date on the local babysitting rates.

In the summertime, schedules can get crazy between work and the kids' activities, so prepare a backup list of caregivers. Sitters get sick (or take vacation), so you'll need extra help.

If you can, try using friends or relatives. Maybe they won't be your primary babysitters, but just using them as alternates can save money. You'll just have to help them out in return.

Share Sitters
Share the cost and split a summer sitter with a neighbor or two! This works great, especially if you're like my family and only have one child who needs a sitter. With the economy the way it is, most regular babysitters are used to these cost-saving arrangements, but you still want to be sure not to overload them with too many children. Try not to have them watch more than three kids under age 6, four kids under age 12, or more than five of any age.

Co-operation is key!
Care exchanges or swaps are great for setting up playdates and saving some money. They help parents connect with other families looking to share sitter services (for kids and pets). They're also an easy way to meet a family like yours and trade off babysitting shifts. However you set up an exchange, remember this--one day a week of free child care equals a 20 percent savings over the whole summer.

Summer Camp Savings
Many families are concerned about summer camp's cost. There are low-cost alternatives, though. Day camps can be great money-saving alternatives to overnight camps. And church or community camps often attract a wide range of local children, are usually pretty affordable and have a ton of activities for kids of all ages.

School's Out, Education Isn't
It's summer break for teachers, too, you know. Many of them spend their summers as a tutor to pay the bills. Instead of camp, why not hire one for a day each week to teach hobbies and skills? Make it fun for your kids so they don't think it's a chore -- pick a subject they're already interested in and create playdates by inviting friends. They'll enjoy themselves and their brains won't go to mush (which makes moms like me happy).

This article was originally published on PBS Parents by Sheila Marcelo. Sheila has always been passionate about business and family. After frequent struggles to find quality care providers not only for her two boys, but also following her father's quadruple bypass surgery in 2001, Sheila recognized the lack of resources available to help families address their constantly changing care needs. Thus, the idea for Care.com was born.

More From PBSParents.org:

Child Development Tracker

Expert Q&A

Activity Search

Kitchen Explorers

The Parent Show

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]]>Babysitterbabysittingchild careSummer Child CaresummertimePBSParents.orgFri, 13 May 2011 11:00:00 ESTAre You Paying for Day Care or a Human TV Remote?http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/04/day-care-tv/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/04/day-care-tv/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/04/day-care-tv/#commentsFiled under: , ,

daycare

This probably doesn't happen often -- your kids are more likely in front of the TV. Credit: Getty Images

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

It could be your kids while you're at work. Odds are, they spend more time with SpongeBob Squarepants than with that woman with the framed day care certificate on her wall.

No matter what it says on the certificate, it could be that the only childcare skill she's mastered is turning on the TV.

According to US News & World Report, two-thirds of day care centers have TVs, and nearly 60 percent of their operators ignore the American Academy of Pediatrics' guidelines for television exposure in young children.

Maybe it's just an Ohio thing.

The numbers come from an Ohio study where researchers looked at 255 day care centers. According to the magazine, they found TVs in 69 percent of the centers, and children glued to the tube at least four times per month. Some 10 percent of the centers had the TV on constantly as background noise.

"The thing about television is that if it's developmentally appropriate, it's not evil, but it comes at the expense of interpersonal interaction, which is really how children achieve developmental goals," Rahil Briggs, director of the Healthy Steps program at Montefiore Medical Group in New York City, tells US News & World Report.

"When children are plopped in front of the TV, they can be missing out on what's more important for social and language development: social interaction," she adds.

Leaders of the American Academy of Pediatrics recommend no TV at all for children younger than 2.

"The evidence around TV and children is that TV viewing is associated with obesity, which may be because it's replacing physical activity time, kids may be eating while they're watching TV, or because of exposure to food ads," Kristen Copeland, lead author of the Ohio study, tells US News & World Report.

"In children under 2, the concern is with learning and cognitive development. Learning occurs mostly through interaction with adults," adds Copeland, an assistant professor of pediatrics in the division of general and community pediatrics at Cincinnati Children's Hospital Medical Center.

Sometimes, Briggs tells the magazine, parents understandably use TV to entertain kids while they tend to household chores. Day care is another story.

"When parents put children in early childcare, they're expecting that it will be an early learning opportunity," she tells the magazine. "And if the TV is on in day care, it's taking up time that should be so much better used."

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]]>day caredaycare providorkids and tvtvTom HendersonWed, 04 May 2011 14:30:00 ESTKids Answer: What Do Parents Really Do at Work?http://www.parentdish.com/2011/04/29/kids-answer-what-do-parents-really-do-at-work/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/04/29/kids-answer-what-do-parents-really-do-at-work/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/04/29/kids-answer-what-do-parents-really-do-at-work/#commentsFiled under: , ,

On April 28, AOL celebrated National Take Your Child to Work Day in a big way to show kids that work is not just a mythical place where people in suits type on computers all day (OK, so maybe it is that type of place).

We unleashed 7-year-old reporter Aiden on AOL's New York City offices, where he asked kids who accompanied their parents to work that day how they imagine their parents spend time at the office, and, more importantly, how much cash they think their folks are raking in. Hint: If you make more than $200 a year, you're doing pretty well!

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]]>AOLtake your child to work dayJessica Samakow and Damon DahlenFri, 29 Apr 2011 16:10:00 ESTDads Want Workplace Flexibility, Too, Expert Sayshttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/30/dads-want-workplace-flexibility-too-expert-says/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/30/dads-want-workplace-flexibility-too-expert-says/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/30/dads-want-workplace-flexibility-too-expert-says/#commentsFiled under: ,

When I wrote last week about workplace flexibility and my frustration that so many mothers have to drop out of their careers because of the lack of it, you had a lot to say.

Some of you have experienced the same frustration, while others vented that mothers shouldn't get special treatment at the office over and above other employees.

Your comments inspired me to look at this topic more closely. Are women asking too much of their employers? Is a flexible job limited to higher-paid employees only? Do men wish they had more flexibility to work from home or work different hours, or is this just a "mommy problem?" How should an employee propose a more flexible position to his or her boss?

I was fortunate to have a conversation with Lois Backon, senior vice president of the Families and Work Institute and co-director of When Work Works, a nationwide initiative to bring research on workplace effectiveness and flexibility into community and business practice. She helped me separate myth from reality.

Q: Several ParentDish readers expressed aggravation that non-parent workers have to "pick up the slack" when mothers ask to leave early or want more flexible hours or the ability to work from home. Are mothers asking for unfair special treatment?

Backon: Our research shows that 87 percent of all employees -- men, women, younger, older, salaried or hourly -- put workplace flexibility as the top consideration when looking at a new job. It's not just mothers who are asking for and want flexibility. A big driver of flexibility right now is the aging workforce, people who can't afford to retire and are finding it tough to straddle work, eldercare responsibilities, grandparenting and their own physical health issues.

Q: Still, based on the comments, a lot of people consider flexible hours and similar kinds of practices a special accommodation.

Backon: Our data show that it's a smart business practice. If you look at companies that are highly effective, with flexible workplace practices, they are doing better than their counterparts. They have much higher employee retention rates, employee job satisfaction and employee engagement. We found that 79 percent of employees who work at flexible companies report excellent or good health, while only 21 percent of employees working at companies with poor or fair flexibility report good health. Think of the impact that could have on a company's health insurance costs.

Q: A few men raised their voices to point out that I shouldn't have limited my piece to mothers who need to be able to care for their kids. What about men? Do they want flexibility, too?

Backon: Men are definitely seeking more balance, too -- 70 percent of all couples are now dual-earners, and men are now sharing more of the household duties than ever before, including childcare. In fact, more men say they are experiencing high levels of work-life conflict than women.

Q: Is workplace flexibility something to which only white collar or salaried employees have access? What about hourly workers? Is it possible for service-oriented organizations, like stores that need people on the floor, to be flexible?

Backon: We are now seeing manufacturing and retail companies becoming more flexible, as well. One practice we've seen is allowing teams to come together to figure out scheduling that works for all of the team members. They are being creative and making things work and it benefits everyone, including the employer.

Q: Whether it's a mom or dad or grandparent or anyone else that would like more flexibility at their job, what advice would you give them?

Backon: One idea is to propose a pilot. Tell your employer this doesn't have to be a permanent solution, but something you could do for a short trial to see if it works. Explain why your proposal would make you more productive and suggest ideas on how the effectiveness of the pilot would be measured. We offer a comprehensive list of tips and tools for employees that I would also encourage your readers to check out.

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]]>work life balanceworking momsworking parentsworkplace flexibilityKatherine StoneWed, 30 Mar 2011 12:00:00 EST70 Percent of Moms Are Bringing Home the Baconhttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/29/working-moms/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/29/working-moms/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/29/working-moms/#commentsFiled under: ,

Watch A Related Video to This Article
working moms

It's off to work most moms go! Credit: Getty

There's always been a long list of ammunition in the Mommy Wars between working and stay-at-home mothers.

But new statistics could call for a cease fire. A report shows that seven out of 10 American moms -- that's 70.8 percent -- with kids younger than 18 are in the labor force or looking for work, according to data from the Bureau of Labor Statistics.
Bu
But working moms have not been immune to economic hard times. The study finds the unemployment rate for single moms with kids younger than 18, was 14.6, according to Today.com.

The study also shows married moms, who have historically fared better in the job market than single moms, faced an unemployment rate of 6.3 percent last year.

Moms (63.9 percent) with children younger than 6 were less likely to be working than the 76.5 percent of moms with kids from 6- to 17-years-old. The number of working moms with babies younger than 1 was 56.5 percent.

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]]>stay at home momswork lifeworking momsMary Beth SammonsTue, 29 Mar 2011 13:30:00 ESTWorking Moms, Dads Too Stressed for Sex, Survey Findshttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/25/working-moms-dads-too-stressed-for-sex-survey-finds/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/25/working-moms-dads-too-stressed-for-sex-survey-finds/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/25/working-moms-dads-too-stressed-for-sex-survey-finds/#commentsFiled under: , , ,

working mom

A survey finds 25 percent of working parents say they would have more flexibility in their lives if they left their current jobs. Credit: Getty Images

Marriage and kids are apparently a surefire cure for sex.

At least 62 percent of working parents are too stressed out to have sex with their spouses, according to a national survey commissioned by Care.com Inc. They're also too frazzled to go to the gym or even keep in contact with their friends.

Maybe it's time to consider career opportunities in either the fast food or housekeeping industries.

According to the same survey, 25 percent of working parents say they would have more flexibility in their lives if they left their current jobs for jobs that pay less -- even considerably less. And, speaking of flexibility, it might also improve their sex lives.

Care.com has a dog in this fight.

The company provides nanny and baby-sitting services. So, feeling overwhelmed by parental responsibilities? Care.com might just have a solution.

Despite any ulterior motives, however, the company's survey, conducted online with responses from 600 parents Feb. 22 to March 1, still offers a small window to parents' stressed-out souls.

A press release reports 35 percent of parents cite work as the most stressful element in their lives, while 24 percent say finding a trusted nanny or baby-sitter is more stressful than keeping a spouse happy or excelling at work.

"While the White House recently announced the great strides of women in the workplace, this survey shows that the work-life balance for so many working parents remains elusive," Wendy Sachs, editor of Care.com, says in the release. "It's no surprise that moms who are toting buzzing BlackBerries in their bags chock-full of work emails, can feel tapped out and not eager for sex."

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]]>marriagesexsex surveyTom HendersonFri, 25 Mar 2011 12:30:00 ESTPut Down the Bluetooth: Patience and Focus Can Mean More Money, Better Healthhttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/24/put-down-the-bluetooth-patience-and-focus-can-mean-more-money/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/24/put-down-the-bluetooth-patience-and-focus-can-mean-more-money/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/24/put-down-the-bluetooth-patience-and-focus-can-mean-more-money/#commentsFiled under: , ,

Stop texting. Turn off the IM. Self-control offers a host of benefits, including better health, more money and less jail time, according to a new study out of New Zealand.

Actually, the well-designed study spanning three decades is a real feat of perseverance in itself. In 1975, researchers Terrie Moffitt and Avshalom Caspi from Duke University started tracking self-control in more than 1,000 Kiwi kids from toddlerhood to adulthood.

Every two years, while the kiddies were 3 to 11 years old, the researchers collected reports from teachers, parents and the kids themselves about their hyperactivity, attention, impulsivity and aggression.

All the forbearance paid off. The results eventually validated the perks of patience and planning. The kids who kept their hands to themselves and focused fared better later in life. By age 32, those with poor control as children suffered more high cholesterol, high blood pressure, obesity, gum disease, alcoholism, bankruptcy, failed relationships and sexually-transmitted diseases.

Often, in their early teens, they made bad choices with major consequences such as smoking, quitting school or becoming parents through unplanned pregnancies. As adults, they were more likely to be single, abuse drugs and get arrested -- essentially the Kiwi equivalent of Charlie Sheen minus the fame and high-priced hookers.

The impulsive, ill-mannered and illegal impulses can't be entirely blamed on parents, however. Moffitt and Caspi also looked at more than 500 pairs of British fraternal male twins to parse out any differences due to parenting and home environment and found brothers differed in how well they coped with frustration and distractions.

Those with less self-control at age 5 had worse grades and were more likely to smoke by age 12 than their brothers. So, the delinquency can't be entirely blamed on poor parenting, as twins raised by the same parents displayed different levels of impulsivity and aggression, some engaging in downright stupid behavior.

Not that stupidity explained all the bad behavior, either.

Still paying attention? Self-control predicted future outcomes much better than -- and regardless of -- intelligence. That's good news. The ability to persevere through challenges, plan ahead and manage impulses turned out to be more important than IQ. Patience trumped smarts!

Thank goodness, because behavior management can be taught, whereas intelligence has proven rather immutable unless, of course, you're trying to sell a boxed set of DVDs with classical music and creepy puppets.

As a psychologist, I dig this focus on behavior, rather than some abstract ability. I can address it today, maybe on the way home from school. Maybe forget the snacks in the car and make the kiddies wait a few miles before breaking them out.

Despite the whines, I'll let my second-grader figure out how to spell all the words for her reading journal. Hopefully, these small moments serve as preparation for challenges that can't be readily solved by an app or Google search.

So, now that the word is out about self-control, maybe we should hold Mom and Dad responsible for reinforcing and modeling more purposeful thought and action. Start now or your child may someday be the highest paid actor working in television.

Done. Now, go check your inbox.

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]]>patienceself controlSelfControlPolly PalumboThu, 24 Mar 2011 11:00:00 ESTWhy Are Companies Still So Inflexible With Working Mothers?http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/23/companies-working-mothers/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/23/companies-working-mothers/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/23/companies-working-mothers/#commentsFiled under: ,

Many years ago, I commuted every day, 45 minutes each way, to downtown Atlanta for my job. I was fortunate that I could afford to put my son in a top-notch day care facility, one that he and I both loved.

The day care had a very low ratio of babies to workers compared to most places, which is what drew me to the place. Every morning, I'd drop him off and he would happily sit on the braided rug and start drooling all over all the toys, and I'd happily head off to a job I enjoyed.

Evening picks-ups, on the other hand, were not so happy. In fact, they were a nightmare that still haunts me to this day. This center had a rule that every child had to be picked up by 6 p.m. No later.

There were more than a few days when I'd find out at 5:15 p.m., as I was ready to head out the door, that some vice president wanted to have a marketing meeting at 5:30. Only, I was supposed to be leaving, like, now, because it was my only hope of getting to my son in time.

I remember one day in particular when it was the chief marketing officer who wanted to meet me and a few others at 5:30 p.m. It's not often you get face time with the CMO of your giant consumer marketing corporation. As little miss "climb-the-corporate-ladder," you can imagine my excitement. Yet, I had to say no, because I had to get home. My husband was out of town, as usual, and I had to take off like a jet. Of course, I got stuck in traffic, and was late to pick him up. Not only had I missed the meeting, but I was a total Mom failure for picking my kid up last.

Every evening I would experience the same painful trade-off. Either I would miss out on an important meeting or I'd press my luck and leave much later than I should have, only to get stuck in traffic and sit on the highway sobbing because I was so worried I wouldn't get to my sweet boy in time. It felt like I was playing Russian roulette.

For years after I left that job, I still had nightmares that involved picking my child up from day care. I'd dream that I forgot to pick him up, or that I was at the office and looked at the clock to find it was already 8 p.m. I'd arrive at the center and he'd be gone, and I had no idea who to call or where to go to find him. I'd search and search and search until my brain couldn't take the stress and I'd wake up covered in sweat, having heart palpitations.

At the time, I wondered why it was so important to my company that everyone work in the same place at the same time. Why did we have to arrive no later than 9 a.m. and leave no earlier than 5 p.m.? Couldn't I work at home sometimes? Couldn't I come in earlier, and then leave a little earlier, but also work at night? Did it matter where I was, as long as the work I was doing was excellent and I was available for necessary meetings?

I saw so many women leave my company once they had children, because there was very little flexibility. Sure, you could do a job share program with another person, but that was effectively a career killer and everyone knew it.

I'm not the only one who has faced such inflexibility, or the pretense of flexibility when it really didn't exist. A post by mom and astrophysicist Susan Niebur on her Toddler Planet blog reminds me of the daily sacrifices and choices from which I suffered.

"When I faced the choice to stay and run the amazing Discovery Program of new NASA missions to explore the planets or be home before my kids' bedtime, I wavered. I explored my options, and, after a time, there were none. No one at NASA headquarters allowed regular telecommuting at the time, and no one allowed part-time work. I know. I called in all my chits and went to talk to everyone I knew, in offices from Astrophysics to Heliophysics to Planetary, the Chief Scientist's Office and staff positions, but there was nothing. No options. No way to stay at the job of my dreams and also work less than 40 hours a week -- 50 including commuting time -- away from my infant. No one could even understand why I would want to."


Niebur left her dreams behind to stay home, and says she doesn't regret her decision, but she still wonders "what if?"

I don't regret leaving my career, either, yet, I still don't understand why organizations make it so hard for women who have children to succeed.

I find myself asking why companies work so hard to hire and train women, but are so willing to let these accomplished women, now filled with so much institutional knowledge, go down the road.

Companies need women, whether in the boardroom or the office or the store or the wherever. We are smart. We have different perspectives. We are good at what we do.

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]]>parentingwork life balanceworking momsworking mothersWorkingMomsWorkingMothersWorkLifeBalanceKatherine StoneWed, 23 Mar 2011 13:30:00 ESTIf Money Doesn't Buy Happiness, What Does?http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/16/if-money-doesnt-buy-happiness-what-does/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/16/if-money-doesnt-buy-happiness-what-does/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/16/if-money-doesnt-buy-happiness-what-does/#commentsFiled under: , ,

About seven years ago, I was laid off from my job. I was a marketing director at a well-known corporation, and, after a wonderful career there, I ended up with a boss I didn't like who didn't like me back.

I'll never forget the day he invited me up to his office and told me I could either leave or accept a performance improvement plan.

What? Are you kidding? I've been promoted almost every year I have been at this company. I've won performance awards. My appraisals have always been stellar! Are you kidding?!

He wasn't kidding, and I refused to accept the performance improvement plan. Later that day, I was boxing up my picture frames and memorabilia and going home.

The next day I had no idea what to do. I was reeling. I recall sitting in a shopping mall parking lot in my car crying my eyes out because I didn't know who I was anymore or whether I had any remaining value. I wasn't sure how I could find happiness, because I had tied my self-worth so closely to my job.

Whenever I think of what I would wish for my children, two things always rise to the top: health and happiness. As a goal, health seems pretty clear -- no disease, no chronic suffering and an ability to use their bodies to do whatever they want.

Achieving happiness, however, is not so clear-cut.

Everybody wants it. There are more than a few best-selling books about it. People make life-changing decisions -- including getting married, breaking up, having babies, changing jobs and moving residences -- to try and get it. There's no single picture of what it looks like, though, and I imagine many of the things we do, thinking they will make us happy, fall pretty short of the destination.

Because I'm nerdy that way, I was reading a book last night about creating social change, "The Dragonfly Effect" by Jennifer Aaker and Andy Smith. While I should have been focused on what I need to do to make my new nonprofit effective, I was stopped in my tracks by the discussion of happiness in the book's introduction.

Apparently, if you are between the ages of 25 and 30, money is linked to happiness. After that, though, the shine wears off and people start looking for meaningfulness to make them happy. The authors define meaningfulness as "a change in direction that leads to more sustainable happiness, the kind that enriches lives, provides purpose and creates impact."

In other words, instead of expecting money and other people to make us happy, we should find ways to give to others and contribute to the greater good, and the meaning that is created by doing such things will bring us happiness.

They add that human beings have " ... three basic needs in terms of their self-worth: competence (feeling that we are effective and able), autonomy (feeling that we are able to dictate our own behavior) and relatedness (feeling that we are connected to others)."

To be honest, I made a boatload of money at my corporate job, had the freedom to buy and do whatever I wanted and wonderful friends who worked there with me. I had the competence and even the relatedness, at least for a while (but not much autonomy), but I doubt I was enriching that many lives with my work. I tried to find meaning in it, but it wasn't really there for me.

I never would have believed I'd become a full-time advocate for women with postpartum depression whose annual salary would be very close to zero dollars and zero cents. I no longer work in a high rise in an office with a door. I no longer have an administrative assistant. No annual bonus. No free BlackBerry. No expense account. No more flying business class to meetings in Europe's capitals.

Instead, I sit here in my sweats with my laptop, and the furthest I travel is to the bathroom or the kitchen. Yet, I am surprised at how competent, autonomous and connected I feel. I am happy!

I hear back from women who have been helped by Postpartum Progress and I can see the difference it is making. I am in charge of what I write and what I do on a daily basis. Thanks to a combination of my friends, family and social media, I always feel connected to interesting people and ideas. I love being able to get to know and talk to many of you each week via comments and Twitter.

I went into uncharted waters and, to my surprise, came out chock full of meaningfulness.

Perhaps that is the lesson I need to give my children on happiness. Don't worry as much about being happy, just do what you can to make meaning in your lives. Reach inside to understand what compels you and where you feel passion, and do something about it. Help others.

By no means will I suggest they forgo day jobs, sell their belongings and move to an ashram in India. I just want them to carve out a place, however large or small, where they can make an impact. It could be volunteer work, or a hobby they enjoy or group involvement of some sort that gives them purpose. Whatever it is, I hope they get it in enough doses that they have the happiness for which I pray daily.

What about you? Are you experiencing competence, autonomy and relatedness? Could you get them somehow? Where do you find purpose in your own life?

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]]>does money buy happinessDoesMoneyBuyHappinesshappinessjobsmoneyparentingKatherine StoneWed, 16 Mar 2011 11:00:00 ESTStudy: Working Mothers Have One More Reason to Feel Guiltyhttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/02/18/working-mothers/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/02/18/working-mothers/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/02/18/working-mothers/#commentsFiled under: ,

Working mother guilt

The children of working mothers are apparently at greater risk of health problems. Credit: Corbis


This just in: Working mothers are the leading cause of male pattern baldness.

No, not really.

But they might as well be. It seems they are responsible for just about every ill that besets humanity. They can't catch a break. Just this month, ParentDish reported on how working mothers supposedly have more fat kids.

Now a new study is adding another leg to the guilt trip. The children of working mothers are apparently at greater risk of health problems.

The Kansas City Star reports researchers from North Carolina State University just had to bum working mothers out by finding that their kids have a 200 percent greater risk of overnight hospital stays, asthma episodes, injuries and poisonings.

"Maternal employment imposes a burden on a mother's time and may result in the poorer supervision or care of her children," writes Dr. Melinda Morrill, the North Carolina economics professor who led the study. "A child's health is at least partially a function of time-intensive activities such as healthy meal preparation and house cleaning."

Another risk: Increasing smugness among stay-at-home moms.

Morrill acknowledges that, telling the Kansas City Star she worries about toxic smug levels and warns people not to make sweeping generalizations about working mothers.


And we all know working mothers don't sweep all that much. Oops. Sorry, generalization.

Morrill and her team looked at 89,000 kids ages 7 to 17 and examined 20 years of data from the federal National Health Interview Survey.

The Star reports that her conclusions fly in the face of previous studies, which concluded that the children of working mothers are actually healthier because their families have more money for health care and because their moms feel good about themselves.

Well, they did until Morrill's study came along anyway.

Morrill tells the Kansas City Star the previous studies confused causes with effects. They overlooked the fact that some mothers can't work outside the home because their kids have special needs or chronic health problems, she says.

She adds that decisions to work or stay home are based on complex sets of variables. Only one thing is certain. Working mothers are evil -- eeeeevil!

Actually, Morrill tells the Star, that's the wrong message to take away from the study.

"A mother's decision to work could reflect underlying (and unobserved) ability, skills or preferences, so that a mother that works may be different in important ways from a mother that does not work," she writes in the study.

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]]>Sick Children Working Mothers Stay-At-Home Mothers North CarolinSickChildrenWorkingMothersStay-at-homeMothersNorthCarolinaStateUTom HendersonFri, 18 Feb 2011 15:04:00 ESTMy Inner 8-Year-Old Thinks I'm a Rock Starhttp://www.parentdish.com/2011/02/18/my-inner-8-year-old-thinks-im-a-rock-star/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/02/18/my-inner-8-year-old-thinks-im-a-rock-star/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/02/18/my-inner-8-year-old-thinks-im-a-rock-star/#commentsFiled under: , ,

Keep on rockin' in the me world. Illustration by Dori Hartley


At 8, I assumed I had plenty of time. Plenty of time to get it all right.

I'm not sure I ever knew what this mysterious "it" was, or how to define "right." But I was sure that I'd figure it all out by 40. By 40, I'd have "it" in the bag.

When 30 came around, I was newly married and newly knocked up. I'd had a play published and several more produced. I'd been invited to a corner office at 30 Rockefeller Center, to discuss transitioning from playwriting to screenwriting at NBC.

The world was my yummy, chewy oyster. Money was tight at 30, but man, my future was bright. I was on track.

I figured my 40s would center around a terrific kitchen with a built-in dishwasher, an overhead chandelier of copper cookware and some kind of gorgeous, perpetually clean flooring underfoot. The rest of my 40-something-self's house would be equally killer -- full of light and air and charmingly painted antique tables and overstuffed couches and roaring fireplaces and iron claw foot tubs. (I was desperately unoriginal in my wishes, but in defense of my 30-year-old self, I have to say the scenario still sounds awfully nice.)

I also thought my 40s would be privy to a terrific view every morning: a rocky, windswept coast, perhaps. Or a meadow full of wildflowers, with a picturesque creek snaking its way through. Maine? Nova Scotia? British Columbia?

I'd be in top demand in L.A. and New York, of course. My 40-something screenwriting career would be fab and varied -- jetting coast-to-coast for meetings, visiting movie sets in Europe and South America. I'd manage it while also making a name for myself as a superb character actress in various highly acclaimed indie films, being an absurdly fantastic mother to my three or four angelic offspring AND running several nonprofit animal rescue organizations.

Oprah would have me on speed-dial, natch.

Cue the laugh track. Go ahead. I'll wait.



We tell our kids to dream big. The messages run rampant in our culture: Reach for the moon! If you don't make it, you'll still land in the stars! If you can dream it, you can become it! Believe in yourself, and nothing can stop you!

Nothing can stop you, except maybe ... uh, life. Life has a funny way of mucking up the best-laid plans.

I did what I was told: I dreamed big. I put in the work. I had a few lovely highs along the way, but for the most part, the failures have been just as colossal as the dreams once were. And I wonder sometimes if I should've expected a little less from myself or made sure others expected less of me.

I'm wondering if there's a middle ground. I wonder sometimes if we shouldn't be encouraging our children to dream moderately, to dream realistically, to prepare for stagnation and disappointment. But nobody wants to think that way, especially about their own kids. Heck, it's downright un-American. Folks went ballistic recently over Tiger Mom, but I think a Sloth Mom ("Let's watch Scooby Doo, honey. No point in practicing that violin, sweetie. Trust me, Mommy's heard you play.") would provoke even more vitriol from the American masses.



In case you hadn't guessed, things didn't quite work out the way Thirty had hoped. Thirty is no longer speaking to Forty; Thirty is downright pissed off at Forty, who's pointing the finger at Thirty-Five. And now, Thirty-Five refuses to talk unless she has her own lawyer. It's a stalemate.

But my 8-year-old self adores Forty. Eight thinks Forty is pretty awesome. After all, Forty has a little house in the country, full of little girls and dogs and cats and toys and NO BOYS and a super-cool thing called a computer. Forty writes stories for a living. Forty can drive a car and have Cocoa Puffs for dinner. Like, whenever she wants.

Eight thinks Forty is a ROCK STAR.

Forty can work with that.

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]]>Jennifer MatternFri, 18 Feb 2011 12:10:00 ESTRockin' at 50http://www.parentdish.com/2011/02/14/rockin-at-50/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/02/14/rockin-at-50/http://www.parentdish.com/2011/02/14/rockin-at-50/#commentsFiled under: ,

"At that moment," recalls Betsy, "I knew I was at the start of a new journey. And I knew I wasn't going back." Credit: Betsy True

For most families in the northern suburb of Westfield, New Jersey, it was a typical Saturday night. They buckled their kids into the backseats of their minivans for an evening that promised to be full of music and fun. The rest of the weekend, they knew, would hold the usual routine - soccer games, Sunday brunch and the last-minute rush to finish forgotten homework.

But inside the Cranford Dramatic Club Theatre, as the stage crew adjusted the lights and the band did one final sound-check, Betsy True, an effervescent dynamo who most of the stay-at-home moms en route to the show knew only as one of their own, was preparing to step into her future.

"At that moment," recalls Betsy, "I knew I was at the start of a new journey. And I knew I wasn't going back." For three hours that night, Betsy rocked the stage in a full-blown one-woman concert. In the first act, she perched on a stool in an elegant black ensemble, and sang the kinds of songs she used to sing when she was a professional performer - ballads and show tunes. For the second act, she strutted on stage in jeans and a sparkly tank-top, then tore down the house with non-stop rock, pop and blues. Call it Madison Square Garden Meets the Burbs - the only thing that was missing was the paparazzi, and that was clearly their loss.

Betsy True rocks the crowd at her 50th birthday concert.
Husband Daniel Bloomfield (goatee, purple shirt) mans the second keyboard in the back.


This was a night Betsy had been planning for two years - a celebration of her 50th birthday and fundraiser for an urban school with an underfunded arts program. But beneath the blaring amps and blazing lights, it was much more than that: In 1996, with the birth of her first daughter, Betsy had "willingly and joyfully" walked away from a Broadway career (one that included starring roles in Les Miserables and Gypsy) to become a full-time mom. Tonight was about recapturing the dreams she'd put on hold.

"When my first child was born, I knew I couldn't be the mom I wanted to be if I tried to juggle motherhood with the creative process that a career on the stage demands," she says knowingly. "A lot of women feel like they're better moms if they work outside the home as well - and that's great. But I wanted to soak up the whole experience. I didn't want I didn't want to look back and say 'I wish I had spent more time with my children.'"

So for the first decade of the new millennium, Betsy - who'd been performing since she was a child in Columbia, Maryland - felt comfortable, even blessed, to have stepped out from under the stage lights. "Here I have these two great kids [Anna, 14 and Emily, 11], a wonderful husband and a home that I love. But at about 47 - and I don't want to sound selfish - I started to ask myself, So you got what you wanted. Now what?

"Then when I turned 48, knowing I was two years from turning 50, I began to make a list of all the things I am and all the things I wanted to do. One of my dreams had always been to sing in a rock band."

So where does a suburban mom who hasn't set foot on a musical stage in more than a dozen years even begin? First, by recruiting the brothers she'd cast in plays in the family basement from the time they were three. Both of them had been in rock 'n' roll bands earlier in their adult lives, so she enlisted them not only to back her up, but to offer support and wisdom.

"One of the things my brother Erik told me about singing in a rock band was, 'You have to own it. Every song is about sex, and if you don't own it, nobody's going to care how great your singing might be.' This was one of my biggest hurdles," Betsy says with a hint of sadness in her voice, "mostly because of the way I had been feeling about myself. I spent most of my time in workout clothes, unshowered and always in a rush. A lot of moms don't feel sexy or hot or womanly - and that was something I really wanted to reconnect with. So I put myself on a Pilates workout schedule a full year before the concert."

As Betsy worked on getting her rock star body back, the band began shaping up as well. For more than a year, brothers Erik and John would make the occasional four-hour drive from Baltimore for weekend rehearsals, while Betsy's husband Dan Bloomfield (whom she lovingly refers to as "the Linda McCartney of the group") was tapped to brush up on those childhood piano lessons and man the keyboards. Meanwhile, other moms and dads in their inner-circle - some of whom had also dreamed of performing on stage - filled in as band mates and backup singers. Together they were "The Moody Trues." "There are times when you feel like your whole life comes together," Betsy says softly. "When my kids got on stage to introduce us, I realized this was one of those times. I'd always felt like I had two missions - one as a creator and one as a mother - but the idea of having it all felt more like a myth to me."

Yet that night, in front of a packed crowd of family and friends, Betsy True realized she had to be true to herself.

"That evening validated everything for me," she says. "It gave me permission to go on the journey, to go on the search. I realized that this is a piece of me that I can't deny. Still, I can't tell you I'm doing this without guilt," she adds. "As a mom, I'm the anchor of this family, and when the anchor changes it changes the whole family. Sometimes I feel like it's Anna's turn to discover herself - not my turn. But as my friend Amy always says, there's space for both of us.

"I'm still not completely comfortable with how to be a good mother, a good wife and an authentic artist," she continues, with tears welling up in her eyes. "I don't want to look back and regret. I don't want to look back and say I never tried it. I want to look back and say I really loved my life - and I want my girls to see that you really can live your dreams."

The sold-out show in Cranford was not only the beginning of Betsy's new journey, but a journey for hundreds of students at the North Star Academy Charter School of Newark. The money raised that evening was used to create the Betsy True "Performateria," a space that now lives in the school's cafeteria, complete with lights, a sound system and costumes - a platform, you might say, for the school's rising stars. And while Betsy doesn't see herself taking this particular show on the road, a return to Broadway isn't out of the question. In the meantime, she's begun taking songwriting and screenwriting classes and has returned to writing plays.

"I'm in Oz, in my ruby slippers, trying to figure out where home is," she says smiling. "I have no idea where this journey is going, I just know I need to create. I loved my 50th birthday, and I'll never forget it, because it gave me so many gifts. Reclaiming my artistic identity - and my womanhood - were just two of many."

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]]>the editors at MarloThomas.comMon, 14 Feb 2011 15:40:00 ESTWhat Would You Say To Barbara Walters?http://www.parentdish.com/2010/12/15/barbara-walters/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/12/15/barbara-walters/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/12/15/barbara-walters/#commentsFiled under: ,

Barbara Walters

Barbara Walters asked an uncomfortable question to Rachel Campos-Duffy. Credit: Evan Agostini, AP

ParentDish columnist Rachel Campos-Duffy was a guest on "The View" recently, and Barbara Walters asked her the following question:

"Did you ever think, 'I wish I had a career and I didn't have six kids?'"

Even if you ignore the obvious fact that Rachel has accomplished quite a bit in what most of us would call a career (writing, hosting television shows, including a stint filling in for Elisabeth Hasselbeck in 2009), many people felt this was an odd question. Joshua Mercer wondered on CatholicVote.org if Ms. Walters could have used a different phrasing, such as, "Do you sometimes regret not continuing your TV career?"

So we were wondering: What would you say to Barbara Walters? Keep it clean, please. This is a family web site.

Got an idea for a Hot Topic? Talk to us!

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]]>barbara waltersBarbaraWaltersHot Topichot topicsHotTopicHotTopicsrachel campos duffyRachel Campos-DuffyRachelCampos-duffyRachelCamposDuffythe viewTheViewBrett SingerWed, 15 Dec 2010 10:02:00 ESTWhen to Start Giving Your Child an Allowancehttp://www.parentdish.com/2010/11/29/when-to-start-giving-your-child-an-allowance/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/11/29/when-to-start-giving-your-child-an-allowance/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/11/29/when-to-start-giving-your-child-an-allowance/#commentsFiled under:

money

An allowance can teach kids a lot about money. Credit: Karen Bleier, AFP/Getty Images

Giving kids an allowance has long been associated with also giving them chores, but some say tying a regular sum of money to rewards or punishments can be detrimental to a child's future financial health.

Amy McCready, a mom of two and founder of Positive Parenting Solutions Inc., says using money given in the form of an allowance can help kids build a healthy lifelong relationship with money and also help them develop general life skills.

Kids as young as 4 or 5 years old may have a very basic understanding of money, but are still ready to receive an allowance, McCready says, and the amount given should be determined by asking yourself three basic questions:

  1. What do I expect him/her to buy with an allowance? Is it for savings, charitable contributions, lunch, spending , activities?
  2. How much money will he/she reasonably need to do that? In the teenage years, consider giving a lump sum (not too much) for the purpose of buying clothes. The child can make the decision on how that money is spent.
  3. How much will make him/her just slightly uncomfortable? Give them just enough to provide an incentive to work hard to earn more.

Once you've made a decision on how much of an allowance to give your child, McCready suggests parents resist the temptation to tie the money to "chores." Instead, consider renaming chores "family contributions."

"It may sound like semantics, but using the words 'family contributions' provides a consistent reminder that every member of the family must contribute to the overall welfare of the family," she says. "Even the youngest members of the family can contribute by putting napkins on the table, turning off light switches, etc."

Offer your child the opportunity to earn extra cash by doing work that goes above and beyond the expected family contributions. Let him or her clean the garage, rake leaves or do heavier cleaning.

"The jobs should deliver a significant contribution to the family and be outside his normal responsibilities," McCready says. "The opportunity to earn additional money by doing more is because he demonstrates that he is more capable, more sufficient and more skilled."

Finally, McCready advises parents to avoid nagging their child about work that isn't completed.

"You will lay out the opportunities for earning additional income and your child has an option to do them or not," she says. "When the extra jobs are fully completed, then he'll be paid the extra amount. If he wants to do them, that's great. If not, that's fine, but he won't be paid."

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]]>allowancechoresevergreenkids-allowancekids-moneymoneyAmy HatchMon, 29 Nov 2010 18:00:00 ESTMoms and Drinking: Secret After-Hour Addictions of Working Mothershttp://www.parentdish.com/2010/10/27/moms-and-drinking/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/10/27/moms-and-drinking/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/10/27/moms-and-drinking/#commentsFiled under: , ,

mom drinking picture

Moms are good at hiding their drinking. Credit: Getty Images

Is it "wine-o'clock" yet?" is a cry heard among many moms after a rough day with the kids, the boss and, in many cases, both.

But a new study says a startling number of working mothers are shifting from imbibing in an occasional glass of cabernet to downing drinks and popping borrowed Xanax to take the pressures off work and family life -- and they are hiding these addictions.

This drinking in the dark phenomenon is on the rise, according to a series of reports from Working Mother magazine, which found that 5.3 million women in the United States drink in a way that threatens their safety and that the number of women ages 30 to 40 who abuse alcohol has doubled over the past decade. What's more, one in four children has an addictive parent, according to the research.

"What was most startling is that these are women who appear to be in total control, they hold good jobs, their kids are doing well in school and they're not hanging out in bars at 2 a.m.," Suzann Riss, Working Mother's editor-in-chief tells ParentDish. "But they are dying inside and are in serious trouble. Their kids depend on them and addictions are progressive."

The survey also showed that 40 percent of the respondents drink to cope with stress and 57 percent of working moms reported they have misused prescription drugs. And both of these figures look set to rise, Riss says.

"Our biggest shock was that these women are successful at hiding their addictions," she tells ParentDish. "One woman we profiled hid hers for 20 years. But they have these secret lives where they are addicts. It's a subject no one talks about and most of them thought they were all alone."
v
The problem is more widespread than we think, Riss says. The magazine's series, "Everybody Knows Somebody," says fueling this rising health threat is the recession and the fact that more moms are the family breadwinners now than ever before.

"Another ripple effect of the bad economy is that working moms and wives have unprecedented stress on them," Riss, mom to 5-year-old Jack, says. "They don't know how to handle that stress. We're not saying that a glass of wine a night means you're in trouble, but we are talking about women who are dependent on alcohol or drugs and cannot make it through the day without them."

The impetus for the Working Mother series was the Diane Schuler story, Riss tells ParentDish. Schuler was the 36-year-old Long Island mother who, in July of 2009, drove down the highway the wrong way after 10 drinks and smoking marijuana. The accident took her life and the lives of her 2-year-old daughter and three nieces who were riding in her van, as well as three men who were in the SUV she hit. Her 5-year-old son was the sole survivor.

"When that story broke, we started to hear more and more rumblings about this as a real problem for working moms," Riss says. "We wanted to look more into these secret addictions and the secret lives of women who work right next to most of us in the workplace."

At the same time, a growing number of working moms who collectively experience "one of those days," have found a way to vent with a light-hearted, tongue-in-cheek Facebook group called "OMG I so need a glass of wine or I'm gonna sell my kids."

With 110,000 members strong, working mom of two and founder Christine Trice of Sacramento, Calif., says the group was born out of "one of those mommy moments," and is meant to be a place where stressed-out moms can feel they are not alone and find solace in the fact "that we can laugh at ourselves and joke that we're having a bad day and need a glass of wine," Trice tells ParentDish.

"It's kind of a sisterhood of moms who can laugh at themselves and admit for a moment that it isn't easy to be a mom or a working mom," says Trice, who runs two businesses, Brown Bag Botanicals and The Belly Beautiful.

Trice tells ParentDish the group is "not meant to promote drinking, but to be the safe place where moms can admit it is stressful."

"My father was an alcoholic and I know all about the severed relationships and damage that can be done in a family from drinking," she says. "But I also know what happens when you stuff down that stress and feel like you are all alone and are a bad mom because you had a challenging day. That's why we're here to help moms know it's OK to say 'I'm having a horrible day.' "

So, what are the warning signs for when a glass of wine to take the edge off stress has turned into a full-on addiction? Women who drink eight or more drinks a week or four or more drinks a night are at a risk for addiction, Riss says. Working Mother has created a quiz to help working moms assess their drinking habits, or give clues to suspicions about co-workers and friend's you are concerned about.

"The bottom line, though, is that if you are worried that you have a problem, you probably do," Riss says.

The problem is compounded because women are more likely to hide addictions than men, Heidi Jacobsen, a licensed mental health counselor who works with prescription drug-addicted women at WestCare, an outpatient substance abuse treatment center in St. Petersburg, Fla., tells Working Mother.

"They're also less likely to seek treatment than men because they worry about the people who depend on them," she tells the magazine. "They can't lose their job, their home and their children."

The secrecy shrouding this growing health risk was one of the biggest challenges in creating the series of reports, Riss tells ParentDish.

"When we started doing this story, we could not get women to give their real names and we didn't want to do it that way," she says. "We are proud that we found courageous women to come out and start talking about this. Our hope is that women who are suffering silently will know they are not alone and that there is hope for recovery. They can get help and they can get better."

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]]>alcoholalcohol addictionAlcoholAddictiondrug addictionDrugAddictionworking motherworking womenWorkingMotherWorkingWomenMary Beth SammonsWed, 27 Oct 2010 10:55:00 ESTMoms More Likely to Be Primary Breadwinner and Primary Caretaker, Survey Findshttp://www.parentdish.com/2010/10/20/moms-more-likely-to-be-primary-breadwinner-and-primary-caretaker/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/10/20/moms-more-likely-to-be-primary-breadwinner-and-primary-caretaker/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/10/20/moms-more-likely-to-be-primary-breadwinner-and-primary-caretaker/#commentsFiled under: ,

leave it to beaver picture

Unlike the iconic June Cleaver, today's mom is likely to earn more than Dad, but still does most of the housework. Credit: AP photo/file

The recent death of actress Barbara Billingsley, best known as '50s TV mom June Cleaver, has sparked new conversations about the evolution of the American mom and her role today in the family and the workplace.

These reflections come at a time when women make up more than half of the people on American payrolls for the first time in history, with moms serving as the primary breadwinners in nearly 40 percent of all families, according to a report released this week by Working Mother.

The report surveyed more than 4,600 people across the country, including working mothers, stay-at-home moms, working dads and working singles, to examine the issue of mothers in the workplace. The findings reveal a number of significant shifts in attitude that have taken place in the past 25 years, since the magazine first began identifying its best companies for working mothers.

The survey found that moms who view their jobs as a career, rather than just a paycheck, are reportedly happier in nearly every aspect of life -- kids, marriage, friendships, spouses and the choice to work -- than moms who say they're working primarily for the money. These moms also say they earn more money and respect and have more confidence.

But it's not a hefty salary that leads a woman to label her work as a career vs. a paycheck; women say they feel they have a career when they have opportunities to develop skills and advance, feel supported and respected and believe their work fulfills a higher purpose than simply making money.

"This research reveals that women who embrace the long-term commitment that a career implies feel more satisfied and positive about every marker that we measured, including being 'in balance.' " Carol Evans, president of Working Mother Media, says in a news release.

In contrast to the stereotypical "old boys' network," working moms report male managers are among their biggest supporters. In fact, male managers were more likely than any other group, including working moms themselves, to say working mothers take on additional work, travel for work, take on stretch assignments, are willing to relocate for their job and are committed to career advancement.

"Once we have children, we start performing to the max," Marie Wilson, president of the White House Project, a nonprofit group that researches and advocates for female leadership, tells Working Mother.

Wilson says male managers develop a lot of respect for working moms when they witness the ensuing juggling act and see just how motivated and efficient working moms are, and how they're willing to go above and beyond.

And, apparently, those late night emails don't go unnoticed by male managers, who view them as evidence of the long hours many working moms put in, often catching up on their work in the evening, when the kids are in bed.

However, when men leave the office and go home to their own working spouses, the dreaded double standard rears its ugly head.

The same men who praise their dedicated working mom employees are more likely to say that one parent should stay at home to care for children. They were also more likely to say that, when a mother works outside the home, it negatively impacts her relationship with her children, according to the survey.

And, even though the United States has embraced the dual-income household, where there's a greater need for flexibility for both parents, flex is still viewed as a woman's issue, according to the report.

While moms say a flexible schedule is second only to stability and security when looking for a new job, men are more likely to have jobs that allow for flexibility and feel they can take off time when necessary, without fear of retribution.

It's different for women, who don't want to be stereotyped as moms -- they'll miss the soccer game but stay home when the kids are sick. And, when women do take time off, many moms compensate for it by using paid time off, according to the survey.

But flex time isn't the only inequity uncovered by the survey: When it comes to domestic chores, women were significantly more likely to say they should be split down the middle, yet fewer than half of the women surveyed say their spouses do their fair share. In contrast, the majority of men feel they're doing their fair share.

When mom is the primary breadwinner, couples disagree about more than just who should clean the bathroom. Fifty-nine percent of men surveyed said, in theory, they were comfortable with the idea of their partner earning more; yet, that comfort level drops to 42 percent when women actually are the breadwinners.

The study concludes that families today need to be open-minded because they can't just step into the same roles their parents played just a generation ago.

And, as far as the workplace goes, one respondent tells Working Mother that perceptions of what women can handle have yet to catch up with reality, "Because, of course, women are already handling it all."

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]]>researchsurveyworking momworking momsworking motherWorking Mother Magazineworking mothersWorkingMomWorkingMomsWorkingMotherWorkingMotherMagazineWorkingMothersHoney BerkWed, 20 Oct 2010 13:12:00 ESTGood News for Working Mothers: Going Back to Work Doesn't Harm the Kidshttp://www.parentdish.com/2010/10/15/good-news-for-working-mothers-going-back-to-work-doesnt-harm-t/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/10/15/good-news-for-working-mothers-going-back-to-work-doesnt-harm-t/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/10/15/good-news-for-working-mothers-going-back-to-work-doesnt-harm-t/#commentsFiled under: , , , ,

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It's OK to go back to work. Seriously. Credit: Getty Images

It's settled: Working mothers don't need to feel guilty about going back to work.

A review of nearly 70 studies conducted over 50 years shows that children whose mothers went back to work within three years of their birth were no more likely to have academic or behavioral problems than children of stay-at-home-moms, according to a report in the Psychological Bulletin.

In fact, having a working mother may be beneficial.

"We did see some suggestions that employment was favorable," Rachel Lucas-Thompson, assistant professor of psychiatry at Macalester College and the report's lead author, tells ParentDish. "We did find that overall employment was associated with decreases in internalizing behavior and increases in teacher rating of achievement."

Lucas-Thompson conducted the study with colleagues at the University of Irvine, California, looking at data gathered between 1960 and 2010.

The children who most clearly benefited from their mother's employment came from single-parent or low-income families. Those kids had better academic and intelligence scores and fewer behavioral problems than children whose mothers didn't work, the report says, perhaps because the increased income meant the family had more resources and fewer money stresses.

That benefit didn't extend to higher-income families. Those children were more likely to have achievement dips later on if their mothers worked full time, researchers found.

Timing mattered, as well.

"We did find that there were differences in these outcomes based on whether we looked at the first year alone versus across the first three years," Lucas-Thompson says.

The children of women who went back to full-time work within a year of giving birth were more likely to have achievement issues and conduct or aggression issues later on, than if their mothers worked part-time or not at all. If a woman waited until the second or third year of her child's life, the likelihood her child would develop such problems evaporated.

"These findings could support moves toward more flexible parental leave policies," Lucas-Thompson says.

In all cases, the negative associations in performance and behavior were very slight, Lucas-Thompson tells ParentDish.

"Mothers do not need to be overly concerned if they want to or need to return to work early in their child's life," she says.

The researchers only considered studies that measured school performance through achievement test scores, school grades, intelligence test scores and teachers' ratings of cognitive abilities. They categorized behavioral issues as "internalizing behaviors" such as anxiety and withdrawal and "externalize behaviors" such as aggression and conduct problems. They relied on the assessments of parents, teachers and, in the case of older children, the students themselves.

"Hopefully this gives working mothers some comfort," Lucas-Thompson says.

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]]>academic performanceAcademicPerformancebehaviorworking mothersWorkingMothersMonique El-FaizyFri, 15 Oct 2010 15:00:00 ESTGuess Who's Bringing Home the Bacon? Working Wives are the Breadwinnershttp://www.parentdish.com/2010/10/14/guess-whos-bringing-home-the-bacon-working-wives-are-the-bread/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/10/14/guess-whos-bringing-home-the-bacon-working-wives-are-the-bread/http://www.parentdish.com/2010/10/14/guess-whos-bringing-home-the-bacon-working-wives-are-the-bread/#commentsFiled under: , , , ,

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Work it, Mom. Credit: Corbis

Where have all the Mr. Rights gone? Turns out that now, more than at any other time in history, working wives are bearing the brunt of the recession, slaving away at the office, while their unemployed husbands are shuttling the kids to and from soccer practice, according to a study from the Carsey Institute at the University of New Hampshire.

But even though wives earned almost half of the family finances -- 47 percent in 2009, up from 45 percent the previous year -- they're still not making the big bucks, the study finds. This is the biggest jump in 15 years, but not because their salaries rose, rather because more of their husbands lost jobs, the study says.
"Make no mistake: This increase is not due to advancement or opportunities for women, but rather it is an indication of hard financial times for families," says Kristin Smith, a family demographer at the Institute, in the study.

Women weren't getting higher wages during the recession, according to the study. The median wages of employed wives fell to $30,000 in 2009, from $31,041 two years earlier. The median income of husbands with employed wives fell in that time to $42,000 from $46,562.

At the same time, the economy is striking its blow at more of the male-dominated jobs, such as construction and manufacturing, which leaves wives earning more of the family pay, the study states.

"As husbands lose their jobs, family earnings plummet, and the role of wives' earnings often becomes critical to keeping families afloat," Smith says.

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]]>recessionwomen and jobsWomenAndJobsworking womenWorkingWomenMary Beth SammonsThu, 14 Oct 2010 15:30:00 EST